I'm feeling better today. The dark, heavy blanket of depression is lifting from my soul. I feel it physically. I don't know why it is lifting. I rejoice when it starts its ascent away from me.
When it descends or ascends I wrack my brain constantly on why. I try to figure out the trigger. I feel that I can prevent it from happening again if I know the trigger.
It is so strange because I can physically feel the depression before it takes its complete grip of me and when it is leaving me. I am so curious if others have experienced the same.
Thank God I am feeling better. In one sense I don't want to question why because I'm scared to tempt fate and bring it back again. However, I do question and no answer ensues.
Yesterday I worked 12.5 hours and today I plan to work 12. At least it didn't affect me financially this time. It's a lot of hard work catching up and I am completely tired of it all.
Oh, I remember that "black dog" following me around ALL THE TIME. Avoiding the grip is an lifelong thing. It does get better as you get older - in that you may feel more in control. My 30's were forgettable really. I was just joyless. Really when I look back - ugh. It is hard because you have external stuff happening which makes it all the more difficult to get on top of. It is a very physical experience and when I feel that creeping I just narrow down my life for the week it takes to heave off. Just ongoing really. Glad you feel a bit better though.
ReplyDelete12 hours of work a day? That is quite a load. I hope the weekend will help cheer you up a bit.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is a terrible thing, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteGlad you're doing better. Enjoy your hard won peace.
ReplyDeleteI can totally feel the physical symptoms of depression. They are often as difficult to deal with as the emotional/mental part...at least for me. This year has been especially nasty. I'm ready to feel the sun on my face again.
ReplyDeleteOne question for you though - have you stayed consistent with meds? I mean, consistently on the same meds or do you find that you find a combo that works for you for a while then you have to make changes again? I thought I had finally found a combo that worked but...I'm gonna have to make a change again.