Thursday, February 21, 2008

Could I Possibly Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

In my last post, Untreatable left a comment stating that what I was describing could also be BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. I was shocked when I read his comment. I never thought about BPD. Never. So, I went to Wikipedia and read the following about BPD. I was once again shocked at how much resonated with me when reading the Wikipedia article.

Below I will copy and paste parts of the article with my comments.

"Disturbances suffered by those with borderline personality disorder are wide-ranging. The general profile of the disorder typically includes a pervasive instability in mood, extreme "black and white" thinking, or "splitting", chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior, as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self."

Wow! This really got to me. My moods go up and down and the cycle never goes away. AND I have been known to have black and white thinking since I was a child. As I get older things have become more gray, but yes I have had this. My sense of self is pretty poor. I don't have much self-esteem AT ALL. I don't have much self-worth either. My self-image is nonexistent. My identity feels lost at times. This is one of the reasons why I started this find myself and discover who I am. I have felt lost for a long time.

In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation. These disturbances have a pervasive negative impact on many or all of the psychosocial facets of life. This includes the ability to maintain relationships in work, home, and social settings.

I have been able to maintain relationships in all aspects of my life and I have not experienced dissociation that much in my life other than certain times which I will discuss more in depth soon.

The most consistent finding in the search for causation in the disorder is a history of childhood trauma, although some researchers have suggested a genetic predisposition.

Yes, I have experienced trauma as probably most everyone has at some point in their life. Most of the trauma occurred during childhood. Regarding genetic predispositions, bipolar, depression and who knows what else is all over my family tree on both sides. Depression runs through our veins like water. Many family members on both sides were/are alcoholics and/or drug addicts which in my opinion shows that they had/have some type of mental thing going on which they tried/try to medicate with drugs and alcohol.

A DSM diagnosis of BPD requires any five out of nine listed criteria to be present for a significant period of time. There are thus 256 different combinations of symptoms that could result in a diagnosis, of which 136 have been found in practice in one study. The criteria are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

I would not say that I have had "frantic" efforts, but I always felt abandoned by my biological father. He left when I was two years old. My parents got divorced. I rarely saw him. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain when I saw him because he is bipolar and his moods were quite erratic. He was physically violent, beat my mother when they were married and I also remember him hitting me in the head which knocked me back into a couch. My head swelled and when he realized what he did he then put ice packs on my forehead and cried for three hours apologizing for what he had done. He told me then that he was beaten by his father as a child and was even whipped with chains. He just kept saying, "I'm so sorry....I love you" over and over again. It was surreal. I was 10 years old.

I also remember that same summer when he beat up his third wife (he has been married five times so far) and I heard her screaming in the apartment. In a rage he then ran after me and my step-brother around the apartment, cornered us in the bedroom we shared and and tore the room apart. He threw everything on us including the mattress and bed frames.

When I became older I found out that Jim had raped three underage girls in his late teenage years and early 20's. The last time I know that he raped a girl was when he was married to my Mom and he picked up a hitchhiker and took her back to the house while Momma was working and chained her to the bed. He then raped her and kicked her out of the house. She was an African-American underage girl who had a very poor family. No charges were filed.

The other two times he raped a girl, my grandfather had to sell things in order to have money to pay the families off so they wouldn't go to the police. Imagine receiving money when your daughter was raped and being OK with that. I just cannot.

I found out that after he raped his cousin (he was 18 while she was 6), his father took him behind the barn and whipped him with chains. The person who told me this never knew that Jim told me he was whipped with chains when I was 10 years old. This person told me when I was in my 20's and the two stories matched. I finally understood why he was whipped with chains. Afterwards the family acted like nothing happened and the cousin had to continue going to their house every weekend.

Jim was a womanizer and cheated with every person he had a relationship wit and was into drugs and alcohol big-time. While in the Coast Guard after I was born, a drug raid occurred in the apartment where we lived. A "friend" of his who was an undercover policeman did the raid and Jim was sent to jail. My Mom and I went to live with her adopted parents.

Wow, I'm talking a lot about Jim, but even writing about this spurs on more memories and I feel the need to get them out. Maybe it will be good for me. I really don't know. I will talk about all of these things because at this point I will try anything to get better.

I was terrified of Jim. He had a HUGE temper and you never knew when it would go off. When he was a teenager he would become so angry so fast that he would start hyperventilating. They would have to put a bag over his head so that he wouldn't pass out.

Jim was also VERY charming and could make you feel like you were the only person left in the world. He could make you feel so very loved and special and bam, you are on the floor after he exploded for a minimal reason.

My grandfather (on my Mom's side) used to say that he couldn't believe a thing that came out of Jim's mouth. He said that if Jim told him the sun was shining that he would have to walk outside to see for himself because he was such a liar.

I am used to being rejected and because of that, recently I am going through a stage with my daughter where I am scared she will not have anything to do with me when she gets older. She is 15 now and I've been having a difficult time with it even to the point of crying while my imagination runs wild with thoughts of her possibly rejecting me later in life.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Not really sure about this one. I have had intense relationships, but I don't have a pattern of them. When I see the word "idealization", I feel it fits because I have always been very idealistic.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Yes, all the time.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

I was HIGHLY impulsive as a child, but have gotten much better over time. I was bulimic/anorexic in my teen years and had to go to a psychologist a little over a year to get help. It's ironic because I would look at myself in the mirror back then and see a HUGE, fat blob. I never realized how thin I became. At my worst stage I had gotten to the point where I could hardly eat without throwing up. I would binge eat as well as starve myself. I remember eating an entire box of cereal at a time, going to the bathroom to throw it up and then eating another box of cereal and repeating the cycle.

The only substance abuse I have had is cigarettes. I smoked for 19 years. I started when I was 17. What I never talked about in this blog is that about nine months ago I quit smoking cold turkey. It was very difficult. I'm drinking a cup of hot tea while writing this and yes, I would love a cigarette still.

Hmmm...reckless driving...well, every day I drive to work at around 80 mph while the speed limit is 60. Is that considered reckless or normal? I am hyper-aware while doing it and am watching all of the time. Also, most of the time I don't wear a seatbelt. After being hit by a train at 17 while in my car and my seatbelt broke I just felt like they weren't all they are cracked up to be. Is that reckless or normal to not wear a seatbelt?

Promiscuous sex...Yes, I had a lot of that in my 20's. I think the reason for that though is because of things that have happened over time. I'll get into that later.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.

Though I have never been a cutter, I think about suicide quite a bit. I have since I was a child.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Yes, that has happened throughout my life.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

YES, all of the time. I have felt worthlessness and have felt empty since childhood.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Never. This is more of a "Jim thing".

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

No, never. I have never been paranoid, and the only time I have had dissociative episodes is during specific times which I will get into later.

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone, or perceived failure.

Unfortunately, yes.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness.

Yes, I have always been sensitive to this, but it has never been debilitating or really caused stress on relationships with others. However, lately I've noticed that I am much more sensitive to things and quickly feel like someone is criticizing me when they probably aren't like I think they are. Actually, recently feeling this way prompted me to really start researching what the heck is going on because I do not want to be like this forever. I feel like I'm changing in a bad way and I have to stop it now.

They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.

I have never viewed the world as being dangerous or malevolent. In fact, I am a very trusting person and as others have said, quite naive (I'm tired of being called naive, actually). I always give others the benefit of the doubt and feel that the world and all the people in it are essentially good and if they are not, then something is wrong with them that they cannot help.

I have felt unsure in my identity and I have felt vulnerable at times as well.

Individuals with BPD are often described, including by some mental health professionals (and in the DSM-IV), as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analyses and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.

No, I'm not manipulative or difficult. In fact, I'm too easy and what I mean by that is rather than being difficult, I cater to the other persons needs and not my own. I do not like conflict. I do not have limited coping and communication skills. I can be very blunt and say what is on my mind at times.

Numerous studies have shown a strong correlation between childhood abuse and development of BPD. Many individuals with BPD report having had a history of abuse, neglect, or separation as young children. Patients with BPD have been found to be significantly more likely to report having been verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by caretakers of either gender. They were also much more likely to report having caretakers (of both genders) deny the validity of their thoughts and feelings. They were also reported to have failed to provide needed protection, and neglected their child's physical care. Parents (of both sexes) were typically reported to have withdrawn from the child emotionally, and to have treated the child inconsistently. Additionally, women with BPD who reported a previous history of neglect by a female caretaker and abuse by a male caretaker were consequently at significantly higher risk for being sexually abused by a noncaretaker (not a parent).

Yes, yes and yes. I was sexually abused from the ages of two to eighteen years old. The last time I was raped was when I was 27. Childhood abusers were all babysitters. Male and female, African-American and Caucasian.

Do you have that first memory of life? My earliest memory was when I was two years old. The only reason why I know that I was two years old is because I asked my Mom how old I was when this certain person babysat me. I remember being on the bed with him (I was still wearing diapers) and him kissing me and guiding my head down to his penis to give him a blowjob.

I remember being in school when they gave a class about how it was wrong for people to touch you in inappropriate places. I remember realizing for the first time that this didn't happen to everyone. I had never questioned it prior to that class because it was normal to me. It had happened all of the time. I remember feeling horrible shame and guilt after this class. I never told a soul.

Another time I remember another babysitter who was the worst out of the bunch and who messed with me for years take me to the kitchen of his house (which later became MY house...long story that I'll post about later) and tied me to a kitchen chair after I told him that I was going to tell my Momma what he did to me. He then got a gun, put it to my head, cocked it (I will never forget that sound or feeling) and told me in no uncertain terms that if I told my Mom, that he would kill her in front of me so that I could watch and then kill me. I completely believed him and never said a word. My Momma was all I had. I was six years old then. Momma never found out until I was 16.

During times of abuse I did a very good job of disassociating myself from the event. In fact, I perfected the art of disassociation.

Wow, I'm tired. I can't look at the Wikipedia article anymore. No more comparing tonight. I've written enough and will read it later and possibly continue another time.

Even though this post is public, it is not meant to garner sympathy. I talked about these things because reading the Wikipedia article really made me think about a lot of things and really made me remember too much. These things happened a long time ago and I have done a very good job all of my life to keep them buried in holes in my mind that I created as a child.

Uncovering them and dusting them off is difficult work. Maybe it will help me.

Other than my husband, Mom, and maybe three others that have been close to me during my life know these things about me.

Remember, no sympathy. I have none for myself and you don't need to, either.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Could I Possibly Be Bipolar?

I haven't posted for awhile. Haven't had much time due to work, school, family obligations, etc. My husband's Mom (named "Fatima") flew in Saturday night from Morocco. I cleaned the entire house this weekend and cleaned out the room where she would be staying. I even cleaned out the closet and drawers and am so happy that I did. Doing that has been on my "To Do" list for quite some time and it's nice to check it off. I also washed my cat (she is washed about every six to nine months depending on how dirty she gets over time), washed HoneyBunny, did homework, washed clothes, etc. It was a busy weekend.

Fatima decided to stay at her daughter's house (the last two times she stayed at ours) this time; however, she'll be over soon, I'm sure. She plans to stay six months and usually floats back and forth between our house and her daughter's house the entire time. I absolutely love Fatima. She is an awesome lady and is so sweet and special. I just adore her. I can't wait for her to come over.

My moods have been sketchy lately. I've been taking my meds and don't know why my moods have been going up and down so much. I've cried on and off all weekend. You know, for quite a while I have wondered if I am bipolar. My biological father is bipolar, and it runs in our family. I have never experienced the mania and euphoria that I have heard others describe, but certain things make me wonder if I am. For instance, I go through moods of being OK and then going down, down. I have heard wild stories of others with bipolar and have watched my biological father act out while manic, and I've never done that, but I can get in these moods where I can't sleep for days. Getting to sleep and waking up has always been a problem for me. It takes an hour or more to fall asleep and when I finally sleep it takes elephants walking through the room to wake me up.

I do go through phases where I clean like crazy. I remember always being this way. Even in my 20's I would go through times that I cleaned my house at 2:00am until the next day. Is that normal? Doesn't sound like it.

I talked with the director of the hospital I went to two years ago and she said that it is possible to have bipolar II. I researched it and found the following definition: "Individuals have at least one depressive episode and at least one hypo manic episode, but never experience a full manic or mixed mood episode. Bipolar II can go unrecognized because the hypo manic symptoms may not appear that unusual."

She asked that I chart my moods throughout the day for a month and get back with her. I need to do that.
Maybe I'm not bipolar. I don't want to be bipolar...I can hardly tell people that I have depression (and I never tell people that I have PTSD). It's just a thought I'm entertaining because really, I'm just tired of these mood swings and want to figure out what's going on. If I can figure it out I hope to either beat it or at least accept it.

Other than that, everything is fine. Things are just busy lately and I look forward to a break. I've been thinking about going away for one Saturday. I can drive two hours and be at the beach. It would be nice to take my dog HoneyBunny there and walk around. We shall see.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I Can't Believe This!

Last night I had to take my statistics exam. It was SOOOOO difficult to concentrate! Finally I just said to myself, "DO NOT BLOW IT! GET THROUGH IT! JUST CONCENTRATE!". So, I took one question at a time. Even one word of one sentence at a time. When having difficulty with one problem, I went to the next and later went back over it to answer the ones I initially had a problem with. I was in the zone before realizing it. I was completely focused on the exam and became methodical like a robot.

After completing the exam I checked it three times just to be sure I didn't make a big mistake or even a silly little mistake in the math (such as all the math you have to do to find the standard deviation of gawd, whoever thought about creating statistics? It takes an entire page sometimes to work one problem!).
I checked and checked and checked again. It was like taking the exam all over again. I redid all the math, all the calculations and four hours and ten minutes later turned it in. The class is a four hour class. Only one girl left prior to that and the rest of the class was still there.

We all walked out together with a collective sigh. One guy started talking about how he was going to go home and take a relaxing bath with aromatherapy candles, bath oil, soft music and rose petals. Imagine hearing that from a big, burly guy who used to be in the Navy! I started laughing so much. I added that he should also sip some chamomile tea while soaking the stress away and we all laughed. That's when I realized that I feel a bit better. The cloud is finally lifting again.

This morning it was DIFFICULT to get out of bed. I finally did. I'm proud of myself for that. Saying that makes me feel like such a loser, but I'm glad I didn't stay there. I got myself into work and though I haven't accomplished everything I've wanted to today, I did get some stuff done. That is better than nothing. Towards the end of the afternoon today I laughed again. It's been a while since I laughed. I AM feeling better.

Yesterday was AWFUL! I was quite depressed and was also a bit angry! I can't begin to tell you why except possibly I am just sick of all this. I rarely get angry. It was a surprising feeling yesterday. Not only that I was so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. I continually thought about sticking toothpicks in my eyelids to hold them up.

Once again I now feel like I will get through this. I'm still taking the meds and am sure it helps a lot. I certainly wish I didn't have to take them, though. I'm so tired of taking a pill to be "normal". Ugh. But, I'm going to take them, come Hell or high water.

You know, that is another thing I am sick of...these cycles. I feel better, I feel worse, I feel better, I feel worse, etc, etc, over and over and over again. I still can't bear the thought of living 30 to 40 more years like this! Right when I feel like I've beaten it, depression comes back and I'm back in bed thinking about a way to end it all. Right when I think I can't stand anymore, I start to feel a bit better and realize I may make it through after all. It's such a roller coaster and feels so psycho! It makes you tired and I'm exhausted from the drama.

When the depression starts to fade away I actually feel it in my body. It's almost like this lightness of spirit and mind descends and parts the dark, heavy and murky blanket enveloping my soul. Recently I found old poems I wrote YEARS AGO and it was strange reading them because even though I wrote some of them back when I was 13 years old, they are still applicable today at 36 years of age. Do you see why I worry about feeling this way for the next 30 or 40 years? I don't have them with me to share at the moment, but will post them at another time.

Last night I asked the statistics professor if he could e-mail the results to me after grading the mid-term exam (if he doesn't do that I'll have to wait until the next class on Monday). I just received his e-mail. I cannot believe what I made.

Seriously, I can't believe it.

The following is his e-mail:

from Professor Bagashawn
to Chunks
date Feb 5, 2008 1:28 PM
subject Mid-Term Exam Results

I have received your e-mail. Your midterm grade was excellent. Your
score is 100%.

I'm still in shock.

By the way, I think it's funny how he wrote "100%" rather than "100". He IS a statistics professor, but funny just the same.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments on my blog. I'm serious when saying you have NO idea how much you all help me. What I write about in my blog I can't share with anyone! Not even my parents. They would worry so much. And I'm embarrassed to share some of the things I do. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for your kind words. You don't have to spend the time reading all of this psycho-ness. But, you do and you even take the time to respond!

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Monday, February 4, 2008

OMG, I Can't Stand This!

I am at work today. Thank God. It was very difficult to get in today. I am very tired and very down. I hate for people to see me like this. I am trying my best to look "OK" around people. It's difficult to so smile and put on the "the face" when you feel like this. I really hate acting. I barely have the energy to act like everything is fine.

I have to write test definitions based on business rules for the new system we are creating. All I can say is OMG...I have no concentration for this today. The bad thing is that everything is on a stopwatch. Every minute is tracked down to the second. When you lack concentration like I do today you become scared that you will burn hours.

I have a huge headache as well.

Wow, I'm certainly complaining. I just realized that. I apologize.

It's just so difficult to be here.

Yesterday morning I woke up and the first thought that went through my head was "Don't wake up, don't wake up, go back to sleep". I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 2:00pm. I couldn't do that today.

This morning while driving I saw a car hit me, a train hit me and a truck hit me. Of course it was all in my mind. The scary thing is that I wasn't consciously thinking that I wanted to get hit. It was like the thought would go through my mind unwarranted, I would see it happen in my mind, and then I would think about what I just saw. I would then think, "Too bad it didn't happen".

I'm back on my meds. Thank you everyone for your kind comments on the last post. Ya'll help me more than you know.

I hope the meds kick in soon. Maybe that is the big problem right now. We shall see.

Tonight I have the statistics mid-term. With the way I feel, this should be a doozy.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

It's Time To Be Real

For anyone in the depressed community, the following post may be a trigger for you. Please don't read it if you are triggered easily. For people who aren't in the depressed community, first off, congratulations! and secondly, if you didn't know already, people who are depressed can easily be "triggered" to become more down after reading certain things, so I wanted to insert the warning here.


I can't believe this...this is an anonymous blog meaning you don't know my last name, don't know where I live, don't know me at all and yet I haven't really talked about what's on my mind. Why? Because I'm worried about what people will think. I created this blog so that I could say what is on my mind "without fear" and here I am with fear. What's the point of the blog then? I think that I forget why I created it in the first place. I created it for myself so that I could really face what I'm thinking, feeling, and doing in life by writing about it and seeing it in black and white. It's also a record so that I can go back and try to track my moods and figure out what the hell is going on with me.

So, it's now time to be real. I have to be. Though I am fearful, I'm going to do it. I have to.

I'm not doing well. I haven't been doing well. What I can never tell anyone (except for one lady that I know from the hospital I was in two years ago) is what I did this past Thursday night. You see, other than last Monday, I haven't been to work. Tuesday I took the day off work to work on my school work. With two midterms coming up next week, all day Tuesday I worked like a dog studying statistics, doing work for my other class and completing homework that is due next week for both classes. I knew that if I didn't do this that I would never make it. I accomplished a lot, which is good.

Tuesday night I started feeling down. Though this may be TMI (too much information), I became VERY crampy and knew that I was going to start my period soon. I was in a lot of pain and my mood spiraled downwards. Wednesday I stayed at home. I had a bad headache, painful cramps, no period, but knew that it would start soon. I was in the bed the entire day. Thursday my period started and the pain was terrible. As I get older my periods have become worse and I have been getting the worst cramps with pain shooting down into my legs all the way to my kneecaps like lightning flashes. My back aches like crazy, I get awful headaches and I'm pretty much laid up during this time of the month. It has become almost debilitating. Not to mention my emotions and mood during this time. I become very depressed and at times feel psycho. I cry a lot and can't stop. It's lovely.

Anyway, this time around I was in more pain than I have ever been and was just so down. I could not stop crying. I fretted about missing work, missing being paid, bills, etc. I contacted work every day that I was out, but of course I can't tell them exactly what is going on, so I have to make up stuff. I hate lying. I wish that I could just say, "I'm having one of the worst periods in my life, I'm in so much pain, I'm horribly depressed and there is no way I can come in like this". But, I can't.

I did call my contract company (because I'm a contractor) and was able to tell the president of the company. She and I have been friends for the last five years and she knew me back before the depression became so debilitating, which I'm glad because she knows that I can be a very good worker. I worked for her five years ago. She used to tell me that I was the best contractor she ever had. I'm sure she said that to be nice, but I always work hard and she knows that. She also has a daughter with depression and has had uncles with depression who lived in their pajamas six months out of a year, so she understands. I was able to call her and let her know that I was on a downward spiral.

She was very supportive. I e-mailed work to let the project manager know that I would be back in the office this Monday. He immediately replied asking that I call him. I freaked out because I knew that I wouldn't be able to call him without crying. I didn't want him to hear this. Finally, I did call on Thursday and he was less than nice. In a nutshell, he told me that if I continue to miss work that I will be fired. I understand this. It is a business. They need me to work, which is why they hired me. It's just...he was quite personal, quite nasty and he didn't need to be mean. Anyway, it is what it is and I profusely apologized. As soon as the call ended I cried like a baby.

I felt like such a loser. I can't even get into work? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm going to lose my job and what kills me is that I don't feel that I can even depend on myself. I feel so inconsistent. It's funny because for a while I felt better. In fact, it's been at least two months and I felt such progress. Then, BAM!!!! I am back to square one and can't believe I'm there. It's like a slap in the face. It's funny because sometimes I actually think that the depression is gone and that I've beaten it and right when I start thinking that it rears it ugly head laughing and I'm back in bed.

All day Thursday I felt very off. I was full of physical pain and my mood became more dark. In front of my daughter I tried to act like it was just my period, but it was much more than that. A couple of times she caught me crying and asked what was wrong. She asked if it was my depression. Finally I said, "Yes". She then saw me crying like a baby and I was so ashamed for her to see me like that. I told her that I hated her seeing me like that and not to worry. She's never seen me that bad off. I really don't know what she thinks about it. I felt like such a loser.

I did tell my husband Thursday morning that I could feel the depression eating me alive. I told him that it was back in full force and sat in his studio and cried. For the first time he was very supportive.

What happened next is sort of a blur. It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. My husband and daughter were in bed. I have been having a lot of problems sleeping lately. It's been almost like insomnia for the past two weeks and twice I never even went to sleep the entire night and went to work the next day. Also I've been working 12 to 13 hours a day and on weekends and it's like I was completely wired with that and school and couldn't sleep. So, Thursday night since I couldn't sleep I decided to take an Ambien (Ambien is a sleeping pill. It was a 10mg tablet.). One has always done the trick, but Thursday night it didn't. I rarely watch TV, but I couldn't stand being in the bed tossing and turning so I took the bottle of Ambien and went to the living room. I got a glass of orange juice and swallowed one tablet while watching TV. I remember a TV show discussing Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's latest debate.

I remember just sitting there waiting to get that feeling of sleep. It didn't happen. So, I took another Ambien. I've never taken two in one night before. After taking the second one I waited about 30 minutes and then the rest is a blur. I just remember thinking that I was a loser, that my daughter saw me as a loser, that I could lose my job because of this depression shit (please excuse my language) and that just when I think that it's gone it comes back. I was in a lot of pain still and thinking about how sick I was of being in pain every time I have my period. I remember taking another Ambien.

I then wondered what it would be like if I took four. I remember thinking that dying in your sleep is a good way to go. I have always opted for that and have often silently dreamed of taking a bunch of sleeping pills and never waking up. I took another one. I don't know how much time went by but I felt really woozy. The bottle of Ambien was in my hand and it felt so comfortable there. I didn't want to let it go. I decided that this was it, that I was tired and as passe as this sounds, I actually got up and stumbled across the living room and got vodka out of the cabinet and drank that as I took another Ambien. I don't remember going to bed.

First of all, let me tell you something...I don't drink very much. I've never liked beer much and really only like sweet drinks like appletini's, Bahama Momma's, etc. I like some wine. The point is that I don't drink a lot, in fact a month can go by and I don't drink a thing. I don't like the feeling of being drunk. I remember drinking the vodka and thinking that if the Ambien didn't do me in that mixing the vodka with it would.

I don't remember any of the next part. My husband told me that the next morning I was snoring very loudly. I am not a snorer, but have been known to snore when taking Ambien (just one Ambien). I don't know why. Anyway, I was snoring really loud he said and he nudged me to stop. I didn't. He then tried to wake me up. He said that I wouldn't wake up. He then got out of bed and was doing everything to wake me up. I still don't know how he knew, but he said that he asked when I roused a little how many Ambien I took. I told him five. He asked me why would I do that and he said that I said, "I'm tired of the pain in my body and in my heart". He said I then tried to get out of bed and stumbled across the room. My daughter walked in because she was getting ready for school and came to give me a kiss and I walked right by her like she wasn't there. She thankfully just thought that I was very tired. I have been known to be so sleepy when waking up that I'm kind of out of it. Somehow I went back to bed, but I don't remember anything at all.

My husband woke me up again later. In his hand was a piece of paper with his writing all over it. He had gotten on the Internet and researched Ambien. My daughter was at school by this time. She still doesn't know. He asked a lot of questions. Thankfully, he wasn't angry. He was very concerned and upset, and he was very supportive. (Our marriage has improved a hundred-fold in the last month or so, by the way and I am very thankful for that.)

Even thinking about it all is such a blur, except for one thing. I wanted to die. I very clearly remember that. It's strange because last night my husband and I were talking. He was talking about something which I don't remember...and I looked at him and thought to myself how I could have died. I realized that I could be dead and you know what? I had no emotion about it.

You see, in the past I have thought of suicide. Afterwards I was always so thankful that I never did anything and even my emotions would reflect my thankfulness. This is the first time that I have absolutely no emotion and this is the furthest I've gone. Yes, I could have taken the entire bottle. I don't know why I didn't. Ambien can really make your mind quite blurry. I think in a way I was testing it. I really don't know.

I talked with the lady that I was in the hospital with today over the phone. She is close to 80 years old and is bipolar. She is such a wonderful lady. I love her. Her name is Jayne. I called and told her what happened. Her first response was, "and then you woke up" and I said, "Yes, unfortunately I did". She understands me. She didn't judge.

I admire her. I have depression. She has bipolar depression. She has been through SO much in her life and survived. Last night when my husband was talking I thought to myself, "How can I go through this for the next 30 or 40 years? How can anyone?" Jayne has. I really don't know how.

Since Friday morning I've been a bit nauseous, dizzy, light-headed and tired. My heart keeps racing and then calming and calming down. I researched tonight and I think it's the aftereffects.

I'm glad that my husband didn't call the ambulance or make me go to a doctor. For one they would have taken me straight to a psychiatric ward. I can't afford that in more ways than one.

I don't have time to be sick. I can't afford to be sick. But, I'm sick. I want to get better. Who wants to be like this? Will I ever get better?

I have thought a lot today and realized the following:

  • I definitely think that this episode is connected to my hormones.
  • I haven't slept very much for the past two weeks, which is very bad for me. I get down when I don't sleep enough.
  • I've worked A LOT of hours these past two weeks and then school, and other responsibilities on top of it.
  • Because of the hours spent at work I haven't made my lunch like I normally do. Because of this I haven't been in the habit of taking my meds at lunch, so I've been off meds for two weeks. Yes, I am stupid.
  • I need to take better care of myself.
  • I need to really discipline myself.
  • I am really tired of all of this.
  • I wish that I could take a year off work and just work on myself, but that is out of the question.
  • I feel overwhelmed even to brush my teeth at the moment.
  • I am a loser.
  • I am very sad.
  • I am still in so much pain. Even taking pain medication doesn't work. Right now pain is radiating down my leg while typing.
  • I can't imagine going through this even one more year.
That's really all I can write right now. I don't know what else to say. I am very upset even writing about it and need to stop.

For right now I am going to post here when I can and will visit other's blogs when I can. It's funny because (and I realize you are going to wonder why I would even think or say this), but I feel bad if I can't get to everyone's blogs every day and read and post a comment. Isn't that crazy? I don't want people to feel like I'm not thinking of them. This is a blog, and a "virtual" world, but to the people whose blogs I visit, I do care about each and every one of you...and I don't even know you. So, that is why I need to say that I am going to visit your blog when I get a chance and please don't take it personally. I'm sure ya'll don't understand.

I am such a loser. I hope to get through this.

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