tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1610672511918874692024-03-05T12:49:58.135-05:00Chunks of RealityChunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.comBlogger190125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-35724723185091492592014-02-11T19:33:00.001-05:002014-02-11T19:33:41.752-05:00Just Waiting to DieWhen my husband calls his great-grandparents who are both over 100 years old, the conversation always starts with, "How are you?" and they peacefully answer, "Just waiting to die. How are you?".<br />
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I understand. I feel like I'm just waiting as well.<br />
<br />
To catch everyone up on the last few years in no random order:<br />
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<ul>
<li>The reason why I went nuts a few years ago and ended up in the hospital for the second time is because my daughter accused my husband of sexually abusing her. If you've read this blog, you know my childhood was blighted with that. She then moved to her father and step-mothers home. I was devastated on a million levels.</li>
<li>She is now 21 years old. She moved out when she was 17. She begged to move back in at 17.5 years of age. We said not until things could be sorted out. She finally said that she thought her father would let her do whatever she wanted and felt that we were too overprotective. At the time she also had a boyfriend who she was making quite a few bad decisions with (which is quite normal for the age of 17, but the ones she was making was way over the top) and her counselor said that as long as she continued to see the guy that we were as good as flushing our money down the toilet with counseling, so we told them that they had to go on a break for awhile. The next night she told her friend that my husband sexually abused her and that she had to live with her father and that since I was such a bitch, I would probably take his side over hers. </li>
<li>We took her to her father's house and her step-mother looked her straight in the eye and said, "I don't believe a word that you say because you lie all of the time". A few days later she was moved out and her father shook my husband's hand and said, "You are a better man than me. I would have already left" right after loading her things into his SUV. </li>
<li>The day she moved out my husband told her that he felt that she needed help and that he would move out because he never wanted to be the reason that my child and I were not together and that she needed to continue counseling to get the help that she needed and she refused. She finally said, "I always wondered what it was like to live with my Dad" and I told her, "Well, you should have saved all of the drama and said that to begin with" and I helped move the boxes out to her father's SUV.</li>
<li>While living with her father she complained that she didn't feel like she was part of the family, but that she didn't care because he let her do whatever she wanted. I actually asked her, "Is family or freedom more important to you?" and she said, "Freedom for right now".</li>
<li>Two Novembers ago she moved back in with us after LENGTHY conversations and even a contract about the terms of her moving in. The contract was based on everything that was needed for her to eventually become a successfully independent adult and be able to move on her own. She signed the end of the six pages agreeing to everything and moved out of her father's house the next day. She said that family was much more important to her and that living with her father wasn't what she thought it would be. In fact, he disappointed her a lot by not spending time with her, siding with his wife against her, etc., etc. She even said that she didn't realize how good she had it with us until she moved in with them.</li>
<li>The transition of her moving back in was a little difficult. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time. I couldn't even write about it. I was very happy, yet at the same time still angry at how everything happened. </li>
<li>It is now two years and three months later and we are closer than we ever have been. She is really maturing and I am proud of the woman she is becoming. She is very close to my husband and doesn't push his buttons anymore. In fact, he calls her his daughter to anyone who asks if he has children (he does not have children of his own).</li>
<li>My husband received his Master of Fine Art degree and had a difficult time finding a job in the US. He was offered a job back home and moved over 5,000 miles away and is an assistant professor at a prestigious university. It will really help his resume to have this experience, yet at the same time it is difficult not to be with him. I have not seen him since last September. I am supposed to visit him in April and he is supposed to visit again in July. </li>
<li>He calls me every day. By the way, download the application for your phone called "Viber". It allows you to talk to anyone in the world for free. Sometimes the service sucks, but who cares, it's free. We also Skype, but Viber has a better connection most of the time. Linda, if you read this, please download Viber. I would LOVE talking with you.</li>
<li>While my daughter was out of the house my husband and I became closer and closer over time. When my daughter initially moved out he actually cried and blamed himself stating that he knew he was part of the problem because of his anger issues and that he really wanted to change himself and not be such an angry person. He actually went on his own and started counseling. He even takes an anti-anxiety/depressant as well and over the last few years is a joy to be with. Sure, he drives me crazy from time to time, but the overall moodiness, HUGE reactions over nothing and anger lurking in the near background is no longer hanging over our heads all of the time. He has really worked hard these past few years and I am so proud of him. I know that he really loves both me and my daughter. I can't believe he stayed and forgave her after how she lied about him. He is a true man. I didn't know that before. It took a lot of bad experiences to learn, but our marriage for the past few years gets closer and closer and I couldn't be happier about it. I can tell that my daughter is very happy about it as well. </li>
<li>We are talking about me moving over with my husband next school year and leaving the US. I do not know what is going to happen. We just know that the state we live in is not for us. The future will be interesting, to say the least.</li>
<li>My depression and anxiety seem to get worse with age. I am taking meds as directed by the doctor, am absolutely counseled out and am no longer seeing a counselor at the moment. I do not know if this is just age and the depression will continue to worsen or what. It is scary.</li>
<li>I lost 105 pounds two years ago (I think two years ago?) and my anxiety shot through the roof and I didn't know why. I became a stick and then within a space of a week two guys from work that I've known for ten years both told me that they liked me (one said that they loved me and thought of me every night as they slept in the same bed as their wife....ick). It freaked me out so badly that I literally did not go to work for two weeks. I didn't realize it at the time, but I started eating my heart out. I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and voila..the pounds started piling on. The more the weight increased, the more my anxiety decreased. It made me learn something about myself...I am not comfortable being at a normal weight. Overweight or even obese is my comfort zone. I gained 80 pounds back. </li>
<li>I have been trying to work on the weight again just to be healthy at least but at the same time am scared to death that the anxiety will increase like it did before and I will feel horribly uncomfortable. I've lost again 51 pounds since my husband left last September. </li>
<li>Do you know how I've been losing the weight? I'm not eating. Yes..there you have it...it's like I'm a teen again and anorexia strikes again. Last week I didn't eat for seven days...just drank water. It's to the point now that I do not even get hungry and when I do finally eat I just want to vomit. </li>
<li>Last weekend was hell. I went out because I've been such a hermit in my house and took my iPad to read a book and drink apple martinis (it's been FOREVER). Bad idea if you haven't eaten for seven days. I didn't think about it though and like an idiot drank way too much. I had no one to call to pick me up and did not feel comfortable driving home. I laid down in my freezing car in the middle of the night hoping the drunk haze would pass and finally after a few hours called my daughter to pick me up. Doing that sobered my ass up really quick and I called her again and told her that I was coming home. I was crying like crazy. You have to understand. I never cussed in front of my child until she was 18 years old. I always felt I had to be the perfect role model for her growing up and having to call her up when she's 21 to pick up her drunk mother just freaked me out. I really blew it. She has never seen me drunk or tipsy before. She found out that I hadn't eaten in seven days and really freaked out then. She learned a few years ago that I was anorexic as a teen. She became really angry with me. I called my husband as soon as I got home crying and telling him everything. He got on the phone with her to make sure that she was OK and told her to not base this incident on who I am because "we all know her character". She said that she was just upset that I hadn't eaten, was scared for me and that she was also upset that I drove home. The next morning she said that she was no longer angry and that she was not disappointed in me (I'm not sure if she is or was just saying that) but that she would become disappointed over time if I continued not to eat. My husband told her on the phone that he was not angry with me, but that he was disappointed and worried. He said that he blames himself for being so far away when my mental health hasn't been the greatest, but he did not tell me this. I felt really bad because let's face it..I am an adult who made very unwise decisions and it is not his fault. </li>
<li>I have missed a lot of work. I sleep a lot. In a way it is a relief that my husband is so far away so that he does not see me like this. Because of my daughter's work schedule she does not realize how much I miss work and sleep. </li>
<li>I just want to sleep and never wake up. </li>
<li>I have no passion for anything in life and have no clue how to get it back.</li>
<li>I ask myself if this is what it will be like for the rest of my life.</li>
<li>It's like I had a purpose when my daughter was being raised and then when my husband needed help with his art and now I feel I have no purpose.</li>
<li>I am codependent as hell.</li>
<li>I have read books to help me with this and while I nod a million times while reading these books because I am SO damn codependent and identify so much with what the author says, it has not changed my behavior.</li>
<li>I do not know how to change my behavior.</li>
<li>I just realized the other day that maybe the reason I do not want to eat is because it is a slow death. Seriously, the thought of putting anything in my mouth other than water makes me want to throw up.</li>
<li>I haven't been on Facebook in awhile. I try to sometimes but feel like a damn fake because I am not doing well at all. I call it Fakebook.</li>
<li>No one at work knows what I'm going through except my boss. What is crazy is that he told me that I'm "such a valued employee and one of the best on his team" that I do not have to get FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) and to take the time I need to get better. I am not getting written up for being absent or anything. It makes me feel like shit. </li>
<li>I am three classes away from finally getting the Masters of Business Administration (MBA) degree. I am taking a break this quarter because last quarter I barely scraped by with an "A". I still have a 4.0 GPA and don't want to mess it up.</li>
<li>Why I care about my GPA when really I don't want to wake up in the morning is beyond me.</li>
</ul>
<div>
When I reach my time to die, will I wish I hadn't wasted it like I am sleeping? Will I all of a sudden want to live? I ask myself this all of the time.</div>
Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-60884301603891128642013-04-23T19:49:00.000-04:002013-04-23T19:49:23.307-04:00To Post about Thoughts One DayI found this old post from a few years ago when visiting the cuckoo's nest and wanted to share. Not sure why I didn't publish it before....<br />
<br />
Recently, I've been in the cuckoo's nest (outpatient psychiatric hospitalization) and yesterday one of the therapists said something that really stuck with me. He said that when people knock on our house door we have the choice to let them in or not. If it's the pizza guy, we let him in and get our pizza. If it's a nice friend, we let them in. If it's someone with a gun or who looks dangerous, we don't let them in.<br />
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In the same way, think about this...would you leave your windows and doors open in the middle of the night with all of your lights on in the hot, humid summertime? Probably not because if you did bugs would be flying in, it would be hot and uncomfortable. For this reason we shut our doors, we shut our windows, we filter our houses from these things.<br />
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We also filter e-mail and phone calls. Sometimes you may not pick up the phone or read every e-mail you receive.<br />
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So, with all of that being said and thinking about how we filter and protect our house door from strangers, why can't we do the same thing with the emotions that come into our mind? <br />
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Our brain will process thoughts that lead to emotion. That is what it's supposed to do. Sometimes the emotion is a good one and it's like a nice friend visiting and when it happens open the door wide and let it in. If it's a negative thought that produces a negative emotion, then we should shut that door and not let it in our brains to ruminate and visit for too long. <br />
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Yes, emotions (good and bad) will visit and it's our choice to welcome them or not.<br />
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I hope I'm articulating what I learned. I'm new at this healing process myself and just wanted to share this with you.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-80799412935246939412011-11-30T10:21:00.001-05:002011-11-30T10:25:21.163-05:00The Child WithinToday at work I was outside having a cigarette and it was absolutely freezing. Needless to say, I wasn't out there for very long. I need to quit smoking soon and have decided to quit by 2012. I quit for two years and started back the day my daughter moved out. I am almost ready to quit again.
<br><br>
While outside there were two men huddled together talking sports trying to amass body warmth between the two in the best way they could. One of the men I see from time to time I always look twice at because he reminds me of my biological father. While they chatted about games they watched the night before I wondered to myself what my biological father talks about during his breaks at work. It got me very curious, which is normal when I think of him.
<br><br>
I haven't seen him for two years. The last time I saw him was at a gathering that I did not expect to see him at. He completely ignored me and acted like I didn't exist. This is normal behavior from him yet it hurt a lot. What is ironic is that he talked to my husband. He had never met him before and was curious about him, I guess, and I found them in the kitchen chatting. I almost lost my mind. I could not believe he talked to him but not me, his only daughter. My husband is Arabic and he was telling him how he had learned some Arabic while living in the Middle East years ago. What he did not tell my husband is that the reason why he was living there was because a judge had told him he had to pay child support and instead of paying he ran away overseas. What a long haul to escape child support.
<br><br>
I have never understood him. I remember being a child and having very rare moments when he could be the charmer and make me feel like the only person who existed in the world. He never had much to do with me. In my 20's I called him trying to get to know him as an adult and he actually asked me why I wanted to be his friend. I was dumbfounded to say the least. That was the last real conversation I had with him. In that conversation he also told me that he understood why I wanted to see him because he kept in touch with his parents to see what he would look like as he aged. Once again, I was dumbfounded. I asked to meet him for lunch. He was not interested as usual.
<br><br>
I am his only child. I think that is a huge regret for him. I recently heard from a great aunt he never wanted children and was angry with my Mom when she got pregnant. He was never in my life, really, except for those few rare moments of joy and a lifetime of pain.
<br><br>
I just turned 40 this past October. I do not know why, but I want to reach out to him one more time to see if I can finally get to know him. My husband and Mom tell me not to because it will be disastrous and I will only be hurt again. I am afraid he will die one day and he will take to the grave the reason why he was never in my life. Even at 40 I blame myself. I realize on a logical level that it is irrational to feel this way; yet, I cannot help it. The child within continues to grieve.
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Will I feel this way on my deathbed?Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-43075432512156915682011-11-22T20:27:00.001-05:002011-11-22T20:41:25.927-05:00Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!I haven't posted IN AGES! I'm happy to say that I haven't been in bed this whole time with the dog of depression biting my ass. Things have been very busy with the Master's program at school, a lot of projects to complete at work and I started volunteering at a juvenile prison. I like to think of it as a teen rehabilitation center versus a prison. They have a mentoring program and I am currently mentoring three juveniles (all boys ages 16 to 17). I go after work for two hours on Wednesdays and then four hours on Saturday afternoons. It has been highly satisfying to work with these boys and greatly enjoyable.<br />
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I wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and spend cherished time with your family and friends. We will be going to my parents house Thursday and then I have to work on writing a paper that is due this week (what is the professor thinking??).<br />
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<strong><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">So far I've lost 105 pounds</span></strong> and wanted to post before, during and after pics below. The last picture was taken a week or so ago.<br />
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I promise to start blogging soon. I am very thankful for each and every one of you and hope that you are all doing well! <strong>*hugs*</strong><br />
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<br /></div>Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-10908367631033714512011-05-21T23:07:00.000-04:002011-05-21T23:07:09.323-04:00I am so sadI miss my daughter so much. She went to the prom tonight. She is so beautiful. She has no clue how hurt I am and doesn't need to at this point. She cannot fathom the pain. She is so much into her social life and friends, which is quite typical for her age, but she's gone now and there is nothing I can do. <br />
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I am out of the looney bin and have been back to work for about three weeks. So far I've lost a total of 72 pounds since last year and work out at the gym almost daily. I've gone from a size 24 in clothes and am now in between a 14 and 16. 16 is a tad large while I can put on 14 but it's a tad tight. Not a bad predicament to be in.<br />
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My Hell is the fact that I've experienced empty nest at a rate of zero to 160. It has been a year and 11 days since she moved out. I am doing better yet at times almost fall apart like now. I didn't experience her senior year with her, go shopping for prom dresses with her and won't see her walk across the stage to get her diploma at graduation. She is leaving for England with her dad in a week and won't be attending graduation. <br />
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My counselor said I am grieving. It's strange to think that because she's still alive. The other night I saw a picture of her and realized I have a daughter and was shocked. She looked so foreign to me. That is when I discovered how I have been compartmentalizing my feelings in order to just survive. At times I am OK, sometimes I am actually good and other times I fall to pieces and cannot regulate the emotions.<br />
<br />
I miss her. I am angry and resentful with her. I feel I miserably failed as a mother. I deeply love her.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-6415442978127026622011-03-07T18:59:00.003-05:002011-03-07T19:14:25.094-05:00Back in the Cuckoo's NestI'm back in the hospital on an outpatient basis. I've been there for two weeks and three weeks prior to that was in bed either asleep or when awake planning how I would die. I go Mondays to Fridays from 8:30am to 3:00pm and am finally starting to climb back out of the hole. I meet with a psychiatrist three times a week, have group sessions every day, meet with a nutritionist once a week, have had a lot of blood work done and meet with an individual counselor once to twice a week. Group sessions consist of a lot of classes to teach you skills on how to regulate emotions, be more educated about your diagnosis and how to process your life effectively.<br /><br />In the past I've been to counselors once a week for an hour at a time. Doing what I'm doing now is like having eight therapy sessions in one day, so it's been some major power counseling. It was either that or end the pain and I decided that this would be my last thing to try and if it didn't work that was it.<br /><br />I stopped taking meds about three months ago. I am now back on them again and am afraid that I will be on meds for life. My psychiatrist has been trying different combinations to help things out and finally I'm starting to see that the sun does shine sometimes.<br /><br />I've had to take FMLA (medical leave of absence) from work and yes I'm stressing financially, but hasn't that been the cycle and I'm ready to break it. I was hospitalized five years ago at the same cuckoo's nest and I think I'm getting more out of it this time. I don't know if it's my age (I'll be 40 this year) or the program is better or I'm more receptive to it all or what, but I've been taking A LOT of notes, have received and scribbled on A LOT of handouts and I think when I get out of the hospital I'm going to start blogging again what I learned in the hospital to keep it fresh in my head.<br /><br />I also want to change my blog a bit and will be thinking about this as well in the near future once I'm out for good.<br /><br />I'm not sure if I previously stated that I finally graduated in December with my Bachelor's degree in Computer Information Systems. I did maintain the 4.0 GPA though I know it really doesn't matter because it's not like anyone will ever ask that question. It's just something I worked hard for and here is a place that I can talk about it.<br /><br />I started the MBA program but have had to put it on hiatus at the moment but plan to start again as soon as I am discharged and am back at work.<br /><br />Thank you all for the support and reading my crap. :) You mean more than you know.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-86317805822430517102011-01-26T15:27:00.000-05:002011-01-26T15:27:29.078-05:00A Lot of SilenceI haven't blogged here in forever. I've just had nothing to say. You get to a point where you have so much bad news you are tired of thinking about it, much less talking or blogging about it. Instead of calling this blog "Chunks of Reality", I should call it "A Whole Lotta Complaining" because that is all I do, it seems.<br />
<br />
OK, this is the first attempt to get back into the blogging world. I don't want to complain, so will end my post now. :)<br />
<br />
Take care, everyone! I've missed ya.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-62206749733661975702010-08-04T09:51:00.003-04:002010-08-05T22:12:23.226-04:00Mon Dieu!This is what I was saying last weekend. ALL WEEKEND LONG.<br />
<br />
My husband and I have been working on the house for quite a while. I've been in the process of decluttering ten years of our life while he has been redoing our bar, making trims (to save money) and painting like a fool. Everything was fine until this past weekend when it became crunch time. His brother and family flew in from Paris Sunday at 5:30pm. We finished the house thirty minutes before they stepped off the plane. <br />
<br />
Those design shows are full and I do mean FULL of shit. They make it all look so easy. One shot is how they want to design the room, next one they are moving furniture out of a room, next someone is holding a paintbrush and you see one little dash of paint on the wall and then voila! They are laying out candles, the furniture has magically appeared in the room, no one is in a sweat, and everything is PERFECT.<br />
<br />
What you don't know is that there are twenty people hiding in the back of the house who break out working like Tasmanian devils when the camera is off.<br />
<br />
My husband and I were only two Tasmanian devils and even we weren't fast enough. He actually never slept Saturday night and painted from 7:00am Saturday morning until 5:00pm Sunday evening. There were times that I almost started crying because it was just so overwhelming and I felt we would never get done. It was HELL. In Arabic, they say "Mosaba" meaning it's a catastrophe. All weekend long as I passed my mother-in-law in the house we would look at each and say, "Mon dieu...Mosaba!!". <br />
<br />
I love that woman, by the way. She is such a dear angel. She flew from Morocco a few months ago and will be here until November. She helped out as well this past weekend and made the most beautiful curtains, pillows and comforter for the guest room. I need to take pics and post them one day. <br />
<br />
Wow...I said "guest room". Most of the time I say it's my daughter's room because it is her room. It is the room she left and moved away from. It is really gorgeous now. I think it's easier to look at because it doesn't look like her room anymore. After she left it was hell even looking in the direction of her bedroom. All of her posters were off the walls when she left with holes all over the drywall. None of her things were there anymore and it looked abandoned. The walls were a mess with holes. I didn't realize it because she was always putting up posters here and there and changing them out and I never knew how many holes she actually put in the walls. My husband was spackling like crazy to fill them all in.<br />
<br />
We still say it's her room. It will always be her room. It is just different now. Just like our relationship since she left.<br />
<br />
I really need to write about what happened up until and when she left. It is just so difficult to do that.<br />
<br />
Karen, I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I read your comments to my other posts and I wanted to say something and felt at a loss for words. I completely understand what you are going through. It's just so damn hard. I will write you soon, though. It has just been difficult to do it.<br />
<br />
My brother-in-law and his wife and daughter will be here for another two weeks. Things will then start calming down. The only things left to do to the house after they leave is:<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Paint the facade of my husband's studio which happens to be located at the front of our house. The sun has faded it out so badly it looks like Sanford and Son live here.</li>
<li>Turn the guest room (the room beside my daughter's room) into a "cave" for me. My husband is going to build bookshelves, we are going to paint and I am going to get my scrapbooking and jewelry-making things out of boxes they have been stored in for FOREVER and have a place all my own. I simply cannot wait for that!!</li>
<li>Redo the paint in our bathroom. We never had a chance to get to it.</li>
<li>Paint the shed in the backyard.</li>
</ul>There are other things to do of course, but the above list is the top priority.<br />
<br />
It's been nice to declutter. You feel lighter in your mind after going through everything. I still have more to do, but a huge amount has been done already.<br />
<br />
I went to court for the bankruptcy hearing. Thank goodness that is over. The judge said that I would have to be "re-evaluated" in October 2011 because by then my husband hopefully will have a job and our financial situation will be different which means we will have to pay more money to the court every month. I hate the thought of having to go back to court then. Bankruptcy court is such a miserable place. People there all look depressed. Some people are having to pay over $3,200 a month for five years for their bankruptcy! I don't know how they afford that. I am having to pay $200 a month for five years. Many people there had already filed for bankruptcy multiple times in their life. I never knew that you could do that. I definitely don't ever want to do that again.<br />
<br />
I still haven't gotten word about when I am supposed to go to the federal court for the security clearance I need for my job. I have all of my paperwork together though and am just waiting to know the date. <br />
<br />
My house is changing just like my life has been changing. It's a new phase of life now. I am trying to get used to it. I don't know if I can. I haven't given up yet, though. I hope to get through it and be smiling on the other side.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-23510535687736152882010-07-14T21:20:00.000-04:002010-07-14T21:20:02.323-04:00Just Found This....I blogged this over a year ago and never published it. My daughter will be a senior in high school this year. Who is going to take the picture this fall when her last year of school starts?<br />
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We have a tradition in our family that on the first day of school after my daughter is dressed and ready to go I take a picture of her with her hands displaying the number of the grade she is starting. From these pictures you can see that this is her tenth grade year.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlSTSCLGH-Kp-pxF1jAJAEPOjEJefbckBZjKvr-a5U-GsoOFxp8yz7vd0fNAMTNNagSJ4HVKoYyZl3plP1sjn4raxuZ_oKx_SYimfTZNf8GyCAM4_Zm4kdBL0Xf9Yam0XN0ZpWjayLblM/s1600-h/DSC01405.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlSTSCLGH-Kp-pxF1jAJAEPOjEJefbckBZjKvr-a5U-GsoOFxp8yz7vd0fNAMTNNagSJ4HVKoYyZl3plP1sjn4raxuZ_oKx_SYimfTZNf8GyCAM4_Zm4kdBL0Xf9Yam0XN0ZpWjayLblM/s320/DSC01405.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKbwZxqzRG33nClH_KRn-Tg1zaemjOGO3_TtlPOV3ws4TAbwmUwyQNkb_0qpvrYbJQMdMGWWq7Jw7diJ3tfigtxT8mEdKy9On0YeDIdA7CGJOhpTgT9obmreIA3GfamBDzviO6B2FIrng/s1600-h/DSC01404.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKbwZxqzRG33nClH_KRn-Tg1zaemjOGO3_TtlPOV3ws4TAbwmUwyQNkb_0qpvrYbJQMdMGWWq7Jw7diJ3tfigtxT8mEdKy9On0YeDIdA7CGJOhpTgT9obmreIA3GfamBDzviO6B2FIrng/s320/DSC01404.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8QEB7XHUyJXOshicsjN025tCzWoN08AH32MZ0FGPX_gBUJU3-N1Je27fHkEZved84W6ya1NNF07WbFRUxsXXTqKdUQdOoSGk9JkrfgwmjbkWvLCLX_aFC-wnzwONu0awz9-W1GhhqrsE/s1600-h/DSC01406.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8QEB7XHUyJXOshicsjN025tCzWoN08AH32MZ0FGPX_gBUJU3-N1Je27fHkEZved84W6ya1NNF07WbFRUxsXXTqKdUQdOoSGk9JkrfgwmjbkWvLCLX_aFC-wnzwONu0awz9-W1GhhqrsE/s320/DSC01406.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXXJIFJvUCiiFNSypSeMMAnSiNBJM0bQ0nK-wLRSM061iZhv6lJd6uhWN1p0f3-osbtmhHqo99yQPojHeEwTuDgOYmR6nSijiKIGKBkABrd_FVzr2z4dzPSwSEyX8s1O3rJwm_4fxyW6M/s1600-h/DSC01411.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXXJIFJvUCiiFNSypSeMMAnSiNBJM0bQ0nK-wLRSM061iZhv6lJd6uhWN1p0f3-osbtmhHqo99yQPojHeEwTuDgOYmR6nSijiKIGKBkABrd_FVzr2z4dzPSwSEyX8s1O3rJwm_4fxyW6M/s320/DSC01411.JPG" /></a></div>Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-84309837002677616442010-07-14T20:49:00.000-04:002010-07-14T20:49:40.422-04:00In Hot WaterLast night I got home and went to take a shower when my husband's studio flooded with an inch of hot water. We found out that the water heater built up a lot of pressure and steaming hot water gushed out of the overflow pipe. A few weeks ago I had purchased new elements for the water heater and decided to get super duper double coil stainless steel elements. I found out last night that the elements were just too powerful and made the water boil. <br />
<br />
I should have realized this because after installing them we burned ourselves several times in the shower and even the kitchen/bathroom sinks. We adjusted the elements to as low of a temperature as they could go and still got burned. <br />
<br />
We now have new elements that aren't super duper and aren't burning us either. <br />
<br />
Just another day in paradise.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-69668778282644835612010-07-08T08:18:00.005-04:002010-07-14T20:58:28.820-04:00Missing<div>I miss my daughter a lot. Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I woke up and am at work and have almost cried several times already and it's only 8:00am.<br />
<br />
I saw her yesterday afternoon after work. It was good to see her and we laughed a lot together. When I was driving her back to her Dad's house for some reason I got confused on which side of the fork in the road I should take. I took the wrong one asking her if it was the correct way and she said it was. After a bit I realized that it was the wrong way and asked if she realized it and she said that she did. I asked why in the world did she say to go that way and she said, "Well, Mom, I'm spending time with you and I don't want it to end". I so badly wanted to say, "Well you are the one that moved out, not me" but I didn't. <br />
<br />
It was obvious that she was excited to be together. I heard about all of the things she is doing at her Dad's house and have quit asking myself why she left. I now ask myself why would she have stayed? She gets to do practically everything she wants to do no matter what. If I was 17 years old I would want to live there as well. <br />
<br />
It hurts so much. I badly want to blog about what happened the days leading up to her moving out, but I can't just yet. It's just so very upsetting to talk about it all. I still can't believe <strong>how</strong> she left. That is what I'm more in shock about versus that she is actually gone.<br />
<br />
It is nice to see my daughter and yet at the same time when I take her back to her father's house and drive away I just start crying and can't stop. <br />
<br />
I'm currently taking a finance class where I learned that net present value (or NPV) equals benefits minus the cost. You want an NPV of at least 1.0 or more. In this situation I believe my NPV is -10. If it were a business it would be a bad decision to see her. It's not a business decision though and the pain continues. I wonder if it will ever get to at least a 1.0. I deserve for it to be at least a 1.0 or more. <br />
<br />
I am devastated.</div>Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-19127406907607187232010-07-07T07:32:00.003-04:002010-07-14T20:59:21.221-04:00July 27th is the Day<div>I found out that July 27th is my day in court for the bankruptcy. I thought I would meet before a judge and instead will be meeting with the creditors and also the trustee that I will be paying money to every month for the next five years for my Chapter 13 bankruptcy.<br />
<br />
For the next five years if I want to do anything like selling assets such as the house or wanting to be part of a payment plan I need to pay my attorney $350 an incident in order for them to do paperwork to get it approved by a judge. Right now I'm saving money for a car. If I went to a dealership to finance a car I would need to go in front of a judge. If I save the money and pay for it in cash there is no need to go in front of the judge. I would rather pay in cash anyway and not have a montly payment. I don't see how I can afford a car until around February of next year. Right now I've been using my parents car and carpooling with a guy that lives down the road from me who works where I do. <br />
<br />
Today I see my daughter after work. It's been quite surreal spending time with her after what happened. I am trying to make it work, though. It is obvious when I see her that she really misses me a lot and is excited to be spending time together. I am not there yet. I suppose the pain will go away over time and it will get easier as it goes. I hope so, at least.<br />
<br />
I am taking two courses this quarter. One is a finance course and I'm learning that I never realized how many ways you can look at money. There are a lot of formulas, a lot of homework and I hope I get through with an "A". I don't want to mess up my 4.0 GPA. I have one more quarter after this one and will be graduating with my Bachelor's of Science in computer information systems in December. I can't wait.<br />
<br />
I am thinking about going for a Master's afterwards. I'm not sure yet.<br />
<br />
Well, July 27 here we go. I'm still waiting to find out when my other court date will be when I meet with a federal judge about my security clearance for work. So far I've received seven reference letters. I hope the judge rules in my favor.</div>Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-49232288274153514222010-07-01T11:04:00.002-04:002010-07-14T20:56:07.319-04:00Bankruptcy is Now OfficialJune 18th marked the day that I officially declared bankruptcy. I've felt physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt for years and now I have a piece of paper to prove it.<br />
<br />
In one way I'm glad that I finally did it. I've had financial issues since I was in the psychiatric hospital for depression about three years ago. Prior to flying into the cuckoo's nest my bills were current, I always paid on time and my credit score was 786. After being in the hospital, I lost my job for the first time in my life, went without a paycheck for a while, got behind on everything and my credit score plummeted to less than 500. <br />
<br />
I visited financial advisors who all said I needed to declare bankruptcy. I didn't want to do it due to the stigma of it all and also I was a contractor and was worried that I would lose my job or have issues in getting another job when the contract was over. I've now been full-time for almost a year and felt that I needed to go ahead and get it over with.<br />
<br />
I recently met with a bankruptcy attorney who said after viewing my financials that I needed to do it. I got all of the paperwork together (my gawd, the paperwork is incredible!), saved $800 to pay the attorney and on June 18 they filed the paperwork with the court. I still have to go to a court hearing to have it finalized with a judge and am currently waiting to know the date of the hearing. <br />
<br />
Not only will I be going to court once this summer, I will actually be going twice. In my job I need to have a C2 security clearance due to the nature of my work and because of my credit issues the federal agency who grants the clearance recently notified me that they could not decide if I should have the clearance or not and said that I had a choice of having a federal judge decide based on viewing my paperwork or request a hearing so that I could make a case before the judge prior to their decision. I opted for the hearing so that the judge could see me in person and hopefully ascertain that I'm not some deadbeat person.<br />
<br />
If I don't receive the security clearance I could lose my job. I am the breadwinner and am scared to death of this.<br />
<br />
The federal attorney working on the case contacted me last week notifying me of the process and suggested that I gather evidence of why I'm in the financial mess I'm in. She also said it would be good to gather written character references from people to present to the judge as well as any other documentation to show what type of person I am due to the judge performing a "whole person analysis" in the court hearing. I've already asked some people to write references and have received seven so far. What people have said in these references brought tears to my eyes because I didn't expect such glowing words. I wish I could believe what people have written about me.<br />
<br />
I've also made copies of my university transcripts to show the judge that I'm a senior holding a 4.0 GPA with only three classes left. I was able to find documents of me going to financial advisors in the past to prove that I tried to take care of my debt and will explain that I am just now pursuing bankruptcy because I am a full-time employee and was worried about claiming bankruptcy as a contract worker. I found the discharge papers from the hospital which I will present as well as my credit score reports from Experian, Equifax and Transunion that show my payment history was stellar prior to the date of me going into the hospital. I don't know if it will help, but I'm also going to present past reviews at work as well as my DD-214 (discharge papers from the Navy) showing an honorable discharge.<br />
<br />
The person who hired me where I work now is also going to go to the court hearing with me to give an in-court character reference. I knew him years ago when I worked where I work now (yes, I now work full-time at the same place I was fired at years ago after being in the hospital). He knew me back then and will be able to testify what type of person and employee I've been and to state that he knew I was in the hospital years ago and have been doing better since then.<br />
<br />
What's ironic is that I had this security clearance when I worked here before. I will notify the judge of this as well as telling him/her that I had an even higher security clearance while in the Navy. I hope that the bankruptcy will go through first so that I can also present the bankruptcy paperwork to the federal judge. If not I will still present the case number and paperwork the bankruptcy attorney filed on my behalf. I was scared of filing bankruptcy prior to the federal hearing and only hope that the federal judge will see that I'm trying to take care of my debt instead of just letting it go and not doing anything about it.<br />
<br />
I have a Chapter 13 bankruptcy which I'm glad about because I will need to pay a certain sum of money every month for the next five years. To me it's better than a Chapter 7 because in the Chapter 7 you don't need to pay a thing. Though I won't be paying the exact amount I owe to the credit companies, I feel good knowing that I'm at least paying something.<br />
<br />
It's strange to think that not only did I lose my daughter, I lost my car (I had a Volkswagen Jetta before but am now driving an extra car my parents have that has no air conditioning while saving money for a car that I can purchase outright and have no car payment), I am now officially bankrupt and yet I've still not lost my sanity.<br />
<br />
The monster called insanity is irresistibly close and I hope I don't jump off the cliff. I'm barely hanging in there. At least I'm not in the psychiatric ward again. Maybe I'm stronger than I realized.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-48086170876747213032010-06-30T13:06:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:01:15.644-04:00Slimming DownI feel a bit better today. My mood is a yo-yo flipping around being banged into walls. <br />
<br />
I haven't blogged about this yet (just like I haven't blogged about A LOT of things lately) and wanted to put out there that I've lost 26 pounds. Weight is my nemesis (along with depression) and I have finally been able to beat its butt while going on the HCG diet. I'm not a fan of fad diets but had to try this one out after watching a girl in my office melt pounds by the day. I visited <a href="http://hcgdiet.com/">hcgdiet.com</a> and ordered the 40-day kit and lost 26 pounds in that amount of time. HCG is a hormone found in pregnant women and I used drops three times a day and the weight dropped off like flies being squirted with insecticide.<br />
<br />
I'm now on the maintenance phase of the diet for the next forty days and hope that the pounds don't magically reappear. After being in maintenance for forty days I'll then go back on the HCG drops for another forty days and hopefully after the second maintenance phase I'll finally be at the weight I've wanted for the last few years. <br />
<br />
I've gone down from a size 22/24 (whoa, nelly!) to an 18. I feel more physically healthy and not as tired. On the diet I lost 26 pounds but before trying HCG I lost a bit of weight and since July of last year I've lost a total of 41 pounds. Let's hope I keep it off and continue to slim it down.<br />
<br />
Now let me go and eat a little chicken salad before attending the next meeting at work. I do have to admit that I am quickly tiring of chicken salad. Why does it have to be so difficult?Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-11010921106828803412010-06-28T22:46:00.000-04:002010-06-28T22:46:28.971-04:00She's Really GoneI can hardly see the monitor through crying. I've been crying for the past hour and can't seem to stop.<br />
<br />
My daughter is gone...she is GONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!<br />
<br />
I was a mother who had a child to take care of every day and now she doesn't live here anymore. How do you stop cold turkey like this? I can't believe she left the way she did. We have always been so very close. She followed me everywhere around the house like a duck. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her barging in. When she barged into the bathroom she would have a huge smile on her face and say, "Yep, I'm here following you!", I would pick on her saying, "OMG, I can't even go to the bathroom!" and then she would plop down on the tub and chat about the world.<br />
<br />
No one barges in on me anymore. It is quiet now and I never asked for that.<br />
<br />
There is no patter of feet echoing after me in the house. The house is like a morgue. No music, no TV blaring, no lights to cut off, no mess to clean up. <br />
<br />
This part of my life is over. It is over before it was supposed to finish. I'M NOT FUCKING DONE YET!!! I AM NOT FINISHED RAISING MY DAUGHTER, DAMN IT ALL! <br />
<br />
I sound like she's dead. She's not. She lives with her father now. She feels like she's dead though. It hurts so much. <br />
<br />
She didn't leave like some teens do saying "eff you, I'm outta here!". No...she made SO MUCH FUCKING DAMAGE that I don't even know what to do, where to turn or how to act. I don't even know how I can be a grandmother one day and have her children visit me. I don't know what the future holds. <br />
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All I do know is that it wasn't supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to be with me until she finished high school and then go to college. I was supposed to cry as she left for university and help her move to that next place. I was supposed to talk with her on the phone and ask how college was doing and start forging a life without her as I should because she went to the next step.<br />
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She took away my last school year of raising her. As a parent, don't you dream about your child's senior year? In a way, you feel that you accomplished something because you helped them get there. She took that away from me. Now her father can raise her the last year of school acting like the cool-ass dad letting her do whatever she fucking well pleases, whether it's good for her or not. He can now make up for all of those years that he didn't have much to do with her by letting her get her nose pierced, get gauges in her ears, tattoos, go out with "friends" that will most definitely steer her the wrong way and get addicted to drugs/alcohol and get pregnant all at the same time. Yeah, he's such a COOL FUCKING DAD!<br />
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If she wants to get gauges in her ears and tattoos/piercings everywhere, so be it. I just wanted her to get to the age of 18 before she decided to do it. Right now she wants these things because her friends have it. She doesn't want it for herself. She just wants to be a sheep and look like everyone else. I would talk with her a lot and tell her to do things for herself. If she wants her whatever body part pierced, it's her prerogative but ONLY if she wanted to do it for herself and not because Jane down the street has one. Am I so bad to say that? I just wasn't cool enough wanting her to be independent and doing things for herself.<br />
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I remember wanting a tattoo badly as a teen and also wanting my eyebrow pierced. My mother completely forbid it and I just KNEW I would do it once I got out on my own. Guess what happened? When I got out on my own, I thought about doing it and didn't. Why? Because I just wasn't in the same phase. It wasn't as important to me as it was when I was younger. She may feel the same way. The problem is she'll have a hole in her nose and ears that she'll be able to fit a DVD into if she wants.<br />
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I saw her Saturday. We went to lunch. I took her to work afterwards and watched her walk inside as I sat in my car. It hit me so powerfully that....she's gone. She's really gone. This phase of my life is over and I don't know how to let go.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-43714728785001637792010-05-19T22:27:00.003-04:002010-05-19T22:39:16.353-04:00I Am That PersonI can't believe how I don't blog any more. I really need to get back into it. It's just I am sick and tired of talking about how sick and tired I am. Do you ever get to a point where you don't want to complain? I am there and have been there for a while. <br /><br />In my everyday world I don't complain. I am that person you see walking down the hall at work who nods and smiles at you. I am that person in the grocery store who smiles if eye contact is established. I am that person who doesn't talk about her personal life. I am that person who even my friends don't know what's going on or how I am feeling. I am that person who is there for her family and friends but don't know how to be there for myself. I am that person who always asks how you are doing when you ask how am I doing. <br /><br />This blog is the only place where I can really say how I feel. Unfortunately, because I do not express how I feel to people who actually know me, I feel free to express how I really feel here in this blog and what comes out like rusty water from a gushing faucet? My shit, my woes, my anger, my depression, my dissatisfaction and you, reader, have to subject yourself to it if you decide to read.<br /><br />I feel that it's a disservice to you. I don't want to do that to you. Even though I don't personally know you, the blogging world makes you feel like you do and I find myself wanting to be that person in the grocery store giving a warm smile instead of showing my sadness.<br /><br />I have thought about turning off the option for readers to comment. I feel awful when I don't reply to all comments. I feel like I am using my readers for self-gratification. On the other hand, you have all helped me so very much. More than family and friends because you <strong>know</strong> what's going on. So, what to do?<br /><br />I haven't had time to even visit all of your blogs either and that is another reason to feel guilty.<br /><br />So, I've stayed away from the blogging community.<br /><br />Do you have any advice? Should I turn off the comments? Should I feel guilty? Should I continue to blog? If I do, how do I stop feeling guilty for complaining so much?Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-2020977605887192192010-04-25T22:36:00.000-04:002010-04-25T22:36:10.860-04:00Everything is Falling ApartSo much has happened. I haven't posted here in forever because frankly I felt tired of complaining. I feel that complaining is all I do here and I wanted to end the cycle. Because I was tired of complaining, I didn't know what to write about anymore. There was no urge to write. <br />
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The urge to write isn't back. It's just I had to voice something. I am completely devastated. My daughter is now living with her father. She moved out two weeks ago. I still cannot believe it. <br />
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Every day is an effort to continue. Every day something happens in a negative way and I have gotten numb to it. I want to stop this cycle of negativity. I want to stop the tragedies. I want to stop the bad news. I want to stop the depression and loneliness. I want to stop the blame and the shame and the anger and the confusion. I want to stop everything. I want to stop my life. <br />
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I'm surprised I'm not dead or in a hospital.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-80124985399085332432009-10-30T12:58:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:02:58.819-04:00Happy Halloween!My husband remembered my birthday around 10:30am yesterday. He then brought roses to me at work with a card. It was nice to see him and the roses were beautiful. He also ordered a cake for me which we enjoyed last night.<br />
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My daughter was acting like a strange bird yesterday. She never said anything about my birthday and when I asked her about it, she said that she kept remembering it was my birthday and then forgetting and doesn't know why she didn't say anything about it. In the past she has forgotten, but this time to know that she remembered and didn't say anything is very strange to me.<br />
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She didn't act like herself yesterday at all. I asked her if everything was OK and did anything happen at school and she said that she was fine. I could tell that she did feel bad about not saying anything about my birthday. It's just so weird the way she acted. I really don't understand.<br />
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I'm still celebrating my birthday. I love that it comes right before Halloween. I always squeeze more days out for my birthday every year. <br />
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I'm excited about next weekend because my best friends from high school and I are going out for my birthday. I went ahead and told my family that my birthday doesn't end until November 7. :)<br />
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Tonight my daughter is babysitting and won't be home. My husband and I both have homework to do, so I think that we will just lay in bed and do homework to get it over with. Tomorrow night my daughter is going to her boyfriends house to pass out candy with their family. My husband and I will be passing out candy at our house. I always enjoy doing that because I love seeing the little children in their costumes. My favorite costumes are the little bumblebee and ladybug babies.<br />
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I hope that you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween weekend. Thank goodness the time changes and we get an extra hour this weekend!Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-52641053665953893422009-10-29T10:50:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:04:35.725-04:00Happy Birthday to MeToday I am 38 years old. Having Facebook is nice because I woke up this morning with a load of birthday wishes from a lot of people, which was very sweet. I received a text from my ex-husband with birthday wishes as well. This morning I saw my daughter and husband before leaving for work and neither of them said a word. It's now 10:31am and I still haven't heard from my husband. My daughter called me this morning from school asking if I could bring her blue binder because she forgot it and she never said a word about my birthday. Maybe they have plans for tonight and want to act like they forgot? I'm not sure. If they did forget though, I need to get them both a Facebook account so that it will remind them next year.<br />
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This entire week I have been in a depressed funk. Thankfully, today I feel better and am happy at this birthday present from depression. At least it's not tormenting me as badly today.<br />
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I apologize to everyone for not posting responses to your comments in my blog. I receive them all via e-mail and wish that Blogger had a way that I could reply to the mail and it would post a response back. My laptop is almost dead. I sit and wait for 15 minutes just to power it up and load Internet Explorer or Firefox. I need a new laptop badly and try hard not to use it. It's really cut down on my Internet time. I do check others blogs on my cellphone, but it's really not the same.<br />
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Hopefully, the birthday fairy will bring a new laptop to me tonight. :) I highly doubt it, though!Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-12820290004133654882009-10-22T16:25:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:06:44.671-04:00Oh, to be Skinny...<div>Today on the elevator at work I was riding up with a very skinny woman. She must have been in her 40's. I stood there and thought to myself how lucky she is to look like that.<br />
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I've lost seven pounds so far. Just under 250 finally and feel that getting to 160 will take forever. It is a huge mountain to climb. I fortify myself with raw vegetables and I am tired of it. Why does it have to be so difficult?<br />
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My husband and I still haven't had sex. I don't even know how long it's been now. At least six months? He says that he wants to now, but I just can't after what he's said about my weight in the past. We talked about it last night and I cried myself to sleep. <br />
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We talked about what he said in the past about my weight "changing the sexual experience" for him. I asked him to explain more and he said that for him sex is a physical act and not emotional like it is for me. He said that the actual mechanics of having sex are different now and not as comfortable because I have more weight on my body. From a rational perspective, I understand what he means. From an emotional state, it destroys me.<br />
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What gets me is that he looks at porn and masturbates to it. I know that he does. He really doesn't need me. He has told me in the past that he prefers masturbation anyway. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty positive that he masturbates to porn at least once a day if not more. I feel so disgusted with myself that I don't masturbate at all. I have been horny lately but I do nothing about it.<br />
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He said last night that he feels really bad about the way I feel. He said that he wants to be honest because I kept asking him in the past why we weren't having sex but that he also feels that he can't or shouldn't be honest with me in the future about stuff like this because of how badly it hurt my feelings. He says that he feels like he is "paying" for being honest now. I completely understand that as well.<br />
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He said last night once again that we need to go to a counselor to talk about it. He really is pushing the counseling, though I haven't made an appointment yet. <br />
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He has been feeling better physically and mentally lately and has been quite nice around the house. It's times when he is feeling good and isn't stressed out and full of anxiety, being angry all the time, etc. that I'm happy to be together....except for the underlying problems that are buried quite deep.<br />
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I told him last night that even if I lose weight and we do have sex again that I will feel having sex with him is conditional and that if I gain weight again, he won't want to be with me. He said that sex isn't conditional with me and that he doesn't want me to feel this way. I told him that I work (am the breadwinner) and provide for the house and bills and try to be a good wife and mother and feel that I'm still not good enough for him. I feel that I have to be perfect in every way for him to be interested in me sexually. He said that it's not true.<br />
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I really don't know what's true anymore other than I feel very ugly.</div>Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-9761407556581390272009-10-07T09:31:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:08:46.642-04:00Dog Food - A Constipation AidMy husband has been having a lot of digestive issues lately that include horrible bloating, extreme constipation and then diarrhea along with horrible cramping. This has been going on for the last two weeks and he has been utterly miserable.<br />
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He's from Morocco and hates going to doctors and taking medicine. When he went to the doctor twice in one week I knew that he was near death. Not to mention all the different medicines he has been trying as well.<br />
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The other day he called while in the doctor's office. He was filling out the form where it asks your history and he called to ask what medicines he's been taking because he couldn't remember them all by name. I told him that he's been taking Miralax, an enzyme supplement, Beneful, etc. He asked how to spell Beneful and I spelled it out for him and we got off the phone.<br />
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The next morning he came into the bedroom while I was getting ready laughing and said, "I can't believe you had me write down 'Beneful' on that form yesterday. I said, "Why? That's what you've been taking". He said, "No, I just fed the dogs and saw 'Beneful' on the label. Beneful is a dog food! I've been taking BENEFIBER!!!!".<br />
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We laughed our butts off about that. He said that they must not have noticed because the nurse or doctor didn't even comment about it. He said that if they noticed it, they would have said, "No wonder you're having such digestion issues...you shouldn't be eating dog food!"<br />
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The last few days with him have been better. He's up and down as usual, but mostly up which is good. I think he feels better about going to the doctor and trying to get help for himself. They want to do a colonoscopy but it hasn't been scheduled yet.<br />
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I am doing alright. I'm just tired all the time as usual. I am tired of being tired. I got to work a bit early this morning and can hardly concentrate on what I need to get done. What I do is so technical at times and you have to be in the right frame of mind to do it. Writing this post is easy peasy because hardly any thinking is involved. <br />
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I start school again on October 12. I'm not looking forward to one of the classes because I think it's going to kick my bum. I'm very worried it will mess up the 4.0 GPA. I don't know why I care about that damn GPA. It's not like anyone will ask me what my GPA is when finishing university.<br />
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There is no segue to the next subject. I was reading CNN last night and saw that there is a practice called "crushing". It's where a woman is videotaped crushing a small animal (like a rabbit) with her bare foot or wearing a spiked heel. The woman's face isn't shown, but it's some type of sexual fetish. I was floored to say the least. Have you heard about this? Are you as shocked as me?Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-91879433091745714542009-10-05T13:25:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:09:20.851-04:00Gas in my TankLast Monday I weighed myself and was a whopping 253.7. I've been eating like a rabbit since then all the while wondering why I was doing it because I was convinced that I would never lose weight again. <br />
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Today I weighed and am 248.8, which is five pounds lighter! Yay! You have no idea how happy I am. I haven't been under 250 in such a long time. <br />
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This news is like putting gas in my diet tank. I can keep doing this and I will. I am finally motivated because I see a difference. Before I was just losing faith in myself.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-55587379410127364492009-09-30T11:58:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:10:15.047-04:00I am a RabbitRight now I am crunching spinach leaves. This week I've revamped what I eat and now eat the following each day:<br />
<ul><li>2 cups of raw spinach</li>
<li>1 cup of raw carrots</li>
<li>1 cup of raw cucumbers</li>
<li>1 cup of raw green peppers</li>
<li>1 cup of raw tomatoes</li>
<li>1 cup of raw soybeans</li>
<li>1 cup of some other bean like garbanzo, black bean, kidney bean, etc.</li>
<li>1 cup of fish (salmon or tuna)</li>
<li>1 or 2 hard boiled eggs</li>
<li>1 apple</li>
<li>1 pear</li>
<li>2 cups of green tea</li>
<li>A lot of water</li>
</ul>I love vegetables. Don't need to add vegetable oils or dressings because they taste great by themselves.<br />
The only bad thing I've had each day is one iced coffee from Starbucks. I want to stop doing that soon. It's just my one indulgence right now.<br />
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My body has been revolting with the change. It always does at first. I'm sure it will go back to normal soon.<br />
What I wouldn't give for some pasta and bread though. I'm not a chocolate/potato chip snacker. My downfall is bread and pasta. I love milk as well, but am not drinking that either right now.<br />
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I checked and it's 1105 calories a day. I thought it would be less for some reason. I didn't realize how many calories garbanzo beans have and won't be eating those anymore. <br />
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I'm crunching a carrot while asking myself why it has to be so difficult. I also ask myself if it's worth it. I weighed myself Monday and was 253 pounds. I will weigh again next Monday to see if I've lost anything. I really want to weigh myself now but realize it wouldn't be a good idea. The only reason why I want to weigh is to experience instant gratification because right now this is so difficult. At the same time, if I do jump on the scales and don't see progress I'll want to rip my hair out and scream in frustration, so I'll just wait.<br />
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I think someone has a blog called, "Wait to Weight" or something like that. I completely understand what they mean now.Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-6043893848231368352009-09-26T01:28:00.000-04:002009-09-26T01:28:25.066-04:00Junior PicsHere is my girly...I love her so very much!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1Ax0_Ft1o-NHBlSdu19cWGUn8UDIeyZp4lduMtD7n5PRXKNM9j0t679MzyrlV34a_e3w1UsmtjsI0SFSUrR5D6waz_xpfIs4zeh9xQQDPDdOI8tf4Y5ekNrTYRP38_jr1ZS21JhVKjWo/s1600-h/11th+Grade+Pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1Ax0_Ft1o-NHBlSdu19cWGUn8UDIeyZp4lduMtD7n5PRXKNM9j0t679MzyrlV34a_e3w1UsmtjsI0SFSUrR5D6waz_xpfIs4zeh9xQQDPDdOI8tf4Y5ekNrTYRP38_jr1ZS21JhVKjWo/s320/11th+Grade+Pic.jpg" /></a><br />
</div>Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-161067251191887469.post-67963491696966518102009-09-25T16:19:00.002-04:002010-07-14T21:11:28.500-04:00Horny as Hell<div>I go from being completely depressed to completely horny. I haven't had sex in over four months now!</div><div></div><div>I am sitting here at work and can hardly stay sitting in my chair because I want to fuck so badly. I apologize for being so rude, it's just that "fuck" is the most applicable word. I don't want to "make love" or even "have sex". It's such a primal urge that I'm feeling and it's terrible!! </div><div></div><div>My husband now says that he wants to have sex, but I don't want to. I think that is a pretty safe thing for him to say now since I don't want to with him. Who would want to have sex with someone who considers you fat, obese and horrible? Well, he never said "horrible" or "fat", but he DID say "obese" and that it "changes the sexual experience".</div><div></div><div>That's a real turn-on. </div><div></div><div>That really puts me in the mood.</div><div></div><div>I can imagine the whole time we're doing it I'll be thinking terrible things about myself in my mind and imagining what he's thinking the entire time.</div><div></div><div>It is torture to think about.</div><div></div><div>So, I don't want sex with him.</div><div></div><div>But I do want sex....NOW.</div><div></div><div>I am really angry with him. Very angry. I don't think I've said that before. It's gotten to the point that when he talks I think the word, "asshole" in my mind. It's just second nature now. </div><div></div><div>We really need to go to a counselor, but we haven't yet because I've been taking my daughter to counseling and it cost $45 a pop and she's going once a week for right now. After her appointments lessen in number over time, we'll start going.</div><div></div><div>If we're still together by then....UGH.</div>Chunks of Realityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05550378591715392039noreply@blogger.com4