Periods Rule My Life

I wrote the following this past Wednesday at work. I can't sign into Blogger to post from work so I e-mailed it to myself and am just now getting a chance to paste it below.

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I feel another wave of desolation and hopelessness wash over my soul. I sit here at work and can't even concentrate on the task at hand because I feel the descent down the spiral of depression mentally, emotionally and physically. About thirty minutes ago I was talking with two friends at work and for no reason whatsoever wanted to cry. I even had to excuse myself because the feeling was so overwhelming. I sat down at my desk and felt my body descending to the void and got caught up with the feeling for a few minutes without even realizing.

All of a sudden I felt a cramp and realized...my monthly friend is about to visit! That is what is going on! I felt relieved a bit because there was an explanation for this sudden mood change.

Now I sit here and ask why it has to be this way. I feel very ignorant because this happens every time right before my period and I don't immediately think to myself that it's not the depression but the period itself. Then when I feel the cramping it then dawns on me what's going on. When I get caught up in that fast descent into the pits of Hell I am so stuck in that moment that I don't even rationalize or think about it. It is just pure emotion. I feel like this:

Now realizing my monthly friend is about to make her lovely appearance I feel better now.

On another note...why do we call it our "monthly friend"? Is it a she or he or it? If it's a she, is she really our friend? I hate the word "period" as well, so what's a better word to use? For my international readers, what do ya'll call it?

And on another note, is our period really that necessary? Why couldn't we be like a man with eggs swimming around instead of sperm with no side effects? Why do we pay every month for having the ability of producing babies? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have had my daughter and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I was in labor for 22 hours and it ended with an emergency c-section, an internal infection and a fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit. At one point I had a contraction for five minutes and a nurse had to rush in and give me a shot to stop the contraction only to then have another shot to start the contractions all over again. I even experienced what my Momma calls "Twilight Sleep" because I would be asleep from being so exhausted, wake up while having a painful as hell contraction only to immediately fall asleep as soon as the contraction was over. I didn't even know my name during that part of the labor.

Wow, I feel even better already writing about this. I hate my "monthly friend", "monthly cycle", "period" or whatever you want to call it. It rules my life every month.
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It is now Saturday and I feel much better now. My period is almost over and the pain is gone.

I am soooo behind in my schoolwork. I haven't had a chance to blog much or even read my favorite blogs and leave a comment. I will do that as soon as I can catch up with school.

Oh, and by the way. I've gained six more pounds. I think I should have a goal to gain weight and I would most definitely make it. Sheesh...

Grooming and Gas Prices

My sweet little dog named HoneyBunny got groomed yesterday and here she is in all of her splendor and gorgeous elegance:

I apologize for the resolution of the pictures. I took them with my mobile phone.

I love this superdog.

I could not believe the gas price today. It was $1.79 a gallon! Just a few weeks ago it was over $4.00 and killing the bank account.

I wonder how long this will last. Probably about as long as HoneyBunny's grooming.

Feeling the Burn

I'm finally doing better once again. I sound like a broken record. Friday I felt the depression lifting...it's such a physical sensation. Yesterday I continued to progress and today is even better. I am tired, though. Coming out of a depressive episode can be such an exhaustive event. Today I've been working on schoolwork. It's mid-term week and I wish that I could just take a nap. No time for that today. Hopefully I won't be up tonight late finishing homework.

Last night a realization occurred. I am like a boat floating on the water and my husband is the weather. When the weather is good and moods are high, the boat floats happily in the shining sun. When the tropical storm gathers force the little boat braces itself and is ready for anything. As the violent winds toss the boat this way and that structural damage occurs and it takes time and energy to rebuild.

I have never met anyone like my husband. I love him. That has never changed. It's so strange because we really don't have a problem with each other. We do have a problem with how he reacts to his environment because it affects all of us. He is highly sensitive to light, sound, touch, cold, heat, and is very intuitive to the emotions of people around him. He demands respect from everyone on the planet and it can really disturb him if he feels that he doesn't receive the respect he deserves. His first reaction to any negative emotion he may feel is anger. He is quick to react and his anger can go from zero to 1000 in a split-second. At times I watch him rev his anger engine and am amazed at how he can start talking about something and his engine starts up, it then purrs along and before you can blink it's screeching up to the ceiling. It's unbelievable to watch. A lot of times I sit there silently during these moments watching a catastrophe occur.

In the beginning I didn't know how to react. A lot of times I reacted by shouting like him. Other times I was silent and held everything inside with my gut wrenching. Over time I became silent and just watched. Watching him really helped in learning more about him.

It's so ironic because in most ways he is like an 84-year old man even though he's 34. He is highly mature, wise and way beyond his years. Yet at the same time he has this very immature side to him that reminds me of a 5-year old boy stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs when he's angry. It's obvious he never learned how to effectively deal with his emotions. He deals with them through anger and that certainly is not effective.

He hates this about himself. He wants to change. He's not a bad person. He is a lovely person, actually and is a magnet for everyone who meets him. He is pure energy and is like a candle burning at both ends. You can get burned in the process if you are too close. It is exhausting to be around such a serious and passionate person. At times I hold my head and wonder how I can do it for much longer because I am very tired.

Death on the Brain

Am I the only person who thinks about suicide on a daily basis? I can be walking down the street and something happen and my mind whispers, "I want to kill myself". I think about death a lot and if it weren't for my daughter I'm sure my life would have ended ages ago.

Is there some neuroprocessor in my brain that is fixated on death? I don't consciously think of death. I don't dream of death. My waking mind does though for no apparent reason and I'm frankly tired of it.

I've realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That's all it boils down to. I just want it to end.

I can't imagine being like this for the next 50 years or more. I say "or more" because my paternal great-grandmother died one month prior to her 111 birthday. Surely, I can't imagine living that long like this.

Do you think about death or suicide much or do I represent the minority in this?

Another Journey Down the Desolate Path

Things haven't been going so well. My depression is acting up and once again my husband is angry. He told me today that he just doesn't understand me at all. I told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. I am tired of taking care of him all of the time and he isn't there for me. Once again he is displaying the same old behaviour as two years ago where he hasn't talked to me or had anything to do with me while I've been bad off. Actually today is the first day he has asked how I am because earlier this morning I told him that I want to be with someone who I could be there for while they were there for me and if I couldn't find it I just wouldn't be with anyone.

I really don't think it's out there when I think about it. I don't think that there is a couple who is there for each other. It's only Hollywood that makes those types of couples.

The last few depressive episodes he wasn't angry and much more supportive. I don't know what happened this time.

He says that I'm needy during these times. It's ironic that he says that because these past few days I haven't called him while he was out of the house or asked him to do anything for me. He can be in his studio the entire time and I don't say squat to him.

Last night I told him that I am appalled with how he has ignored me and treated me while I've been down.

I'm tired of this shit. And that is what it is...shit.

My mind is rambling.

If you only knew how down and depressed and full of anxiety my husband can be. If you only knew how I support him in every way. If you only knew what goes on in this house. I don't even write about it. I live it every day.

And I'm tired.

Really damn tired.

Happy Halloween!

I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble sipping Starbucks while you are working and I feel just terrible about it! That makes me laugh to say type that. Seriously though, it's a Friday and I cannot believe all of the people who are either not at work or just don't work! What a life!

I wish I was like Linda and could take Fridays off. You are so lucky, Linda! This is sublime!

Today is Halloween and we're going out to dinner to continue celebrating my week-long birthday and then tomorrow night is the Halloween party.

This has been such a delightful week.

Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to check your candy for razors after trick-or-treating stay safe!

Happy Birthday To Me

I turned 37 today and don't feel a day over 25. OK, that's pushing it a bit, but seriously...I can't believe it will be three years to 40. For some reason it doesn't bother me about turning 40. It did bother me about turning 30 back in the day. In fact, it bothered me a lot. 40, 50, 60, etc??? They are all just numbers.

Two lovely girls from work are taking me out to lunch today. They are both such dears. We always have a great time together. I have an appointment with the podiatrist at 3:45pm which means I will have to leave work a little before then to make it on time, which means the workday will be short. Yay! I should be home by 4:30pm at the latest. By the way, I have calluses on my feet from being in the Navy and this podiatrist peels them off like an onion. I haven't seen her for two years now so it's time to do some snipping. I get pedicures from time to time and such and my feet aren't manky looking but there are flesh-colored calluses on the bottom and it feels so good when she takes them off. I just read that sentence and realized it may be a bit TMI (too much information), but oh well, it's my blog and I can say what I want! AND it's my birthday...so there!

Tonight my husband has to work teaching an art class so my daughter and I will meet my parents at the Olive Garden for dinner at 6:30pm. It will be nice to see them and hang out. Oh my gawd, I just realized something...servers from the Olive Garden come out and sing birthday songs. I sincerely hope they don't do that. I'm going to ask my parents not to tell them it's my birthday.

By the way, it's not my birthday just today. It's been my birthday all week. It ends on Sunday at 11:59pm. It's been wonderful at home to say, "Can you do so-and-so? It's my birthday". My husband laughs and says that his birthday will last one month if it's like that.

I am taking the day off of work Friday and can't wait for that! I've never taken a day off from work due to my birthday in the past. I've known several people who do each year and thought I would try it out this year. I'm so glad I did! During the day I plan to use the time and do homework for school. I have a 10 page research paper coming up, another small paper and four computer programs to write using C++. I won't mind doing it though because I plan to be at Barnes and Noble sipping Starbucks coffee while everyone else works!

Friday night my husband and I are celebrating my birthday by going to my favorite restaurant in our town. It is where we got engaged and haven't been back since. I can't wait to go! Afterwards we are going to the place where we met (haven't been there either for at least three years now). It will be a trip down memory lane.

Saturday night we are going to a Halloween party. I haven't been to a Halloween party since being a child and it should be interesting. No children are allowed and costumes are required. The party is being given by my best friend from high school named Susie. We recently connected via Facebook and it's been incredible hanging out after all of these years. When we first met for dinner it was like no time had passed and it's been almost 20 years!

Susie said that her party is an annual event and she even puts up black cloth on all of the walls of her house. She has an entire storage area full of Halloween decorations. It's her favorite holiday of the year. I plan to take the camera and snap some shots to post later.

Sunday morning at 2:00am our clocks turn back an hour! It is such a wonderful birthday present to receive one more hour of sleep!

What a wonderful week it's been so far and what a great weekend it's going to be! All of this is a birthday present in itself.