Just Waiting to Die

When my husband calls his great-grandparents who are both over 100 years old, the conversation always starts with, "How are you?" and they peacefully answer, "Just waiting to die. How are you?".

I understand. I feel like I'm just waiting as well.

To catch everyone up on the last few years in no random order:

• The reason why I went nuts a few years ago and ended up in the hospital for the second time is because my daughter accused my husband of sexually abusing her. If you've read this blog, you know my childhood was blighted with that. She then moved to her father and step-mothers home. I was devastated on a million levels.
• She is now 21 years old. She  moved out when she was 17. She begged to move back in at 17.5 years of age. We said not until things could be sorted out. She finally said that she thought her father would let her do whatever she wanted and felt that we were too overprotective. At the time she also had a boyfriend who she was making quite a few bad decisions with (which is quite normal for the age of 17, but the ones she was making was way over the top) and her counselor said that as long as she continued to see the guy that we were as good as flushing our money down the toilet with counseling, so we told them that they had to go on a break for awhile. The next night she told her friend that my husband sexually abused her and that she had to live with her father and that since I was such a bitch, I would probably take his side over hers. 
• We took her to her father's house and her step-mother looked her straight in the eye and said, "I don't believe a word that you say because you lie all of the time". A few days later she was moved out and her father shook my husband's hand and said, "You are a better man than me. I would have already left" right after loading her things into his SUV. 
• The day she moved out my husband told her that he felt that she needed help and that he would move out because he never wanted to be the reason that my child and I were not together and that she needed to continue counseling to get the help that she needed and she refused. She finally said, "I always wondered what it was like to live with my Dad" and I told her, "Well, you should have saved all of the drama and said that to begin with" and I helped move the boxes out to her father's SUV.
• While living with her father she complained that she didn't feel like she was part of the family, but that she didn't care because he let her do whatever she wanted. I actually asked her, "Is family or freedom more important to you?" and she said, "Freedom for right now".
• Two Novembers ago she moved back in with us after LENGTHY conversations and even a contract about the terms of her moving in. The contract was based on everything that was needed for her to eventually become a successfully independent adult and be able to move on her own. She signed the end of the six pages agreeing to everything and moved out of her father's house the next day. She said that family was much more important to her and that living with her father wasn't what she thought it would be. In fact, he disappointed her a lot by not spending time with her, siding with his wife against her, etc., etc. She even said that she didn't realize how good she had it with us until she moved in with them.
• The transition of her moving back in was a little difficult. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time. I couldn't even write about it. I was very happy, yet at the same time still angry at how everything happened. 
• It is now two years and three months later and we are closer than we ever have been. She is really maturing and I am proud of the woman she is becoming. She is very close to my husband and doesn't push his buttons anymore. In fact, he calls her his daughter to anyone who asks if he has children (he does not have children of his own).
• My husband received his Master of Fine Art degree and had a difficult time finding a job in the US. He was offered a job back home and moved over 5,000 miles away and is an assistant professor at a prestigious university. It will really help his resume to have this experience, yet at the same time it is difficult not to be with him. I have not seen him since last September. I am supposed to visit him in April and he is supposed to visit again in July. 
• He calls me every day. By the way, download the application for your phone called "Viber". It allows you to talk to anyone in the world for free. Sometimes the service sucks, but who cares, it's free. We also Skype, but Viber has a better connection most of the time. Linda, if you read this, please download Viber. I would LOVE talking with you.
• While my daughter was out of the house my husband and I became closer and closer over time. When my daughter initially moved out he actually cried and blamed himself stating that he knew he was part of the problem because of his anger issues and that he really wanted to change himself and not be such an angry person. He actually went on his own and started counseling. He even takes an anti-anxiety/depressant as well and over the last few years is a joy to be with. Sure, he drives me crazy from time to time, but the overall moodiness, HUGE reactions over nothing and anger lurking in the near background is no longer hanging over our heads all of the time. He has really worked hard these past few years and I am so proud of him. I know that he really loves both me and my daughter. I can't believe he stayed and forgave her after how she lied about him.  He is a true man. I didn't know that before. It took a lot of bad experiences to learn, but our marriage for the past few years gets closer and closer and I couldn't be happier about it. I can tell that my daughter is very happy about it as well. 
• We are talking about me moving over with my husband next school year and leaving the US. I do not know what is going to happen. We just know that the state we live in is not for us. The future will be interesting, to say the least.
• My depression and anxiety seem to get worse with age. I am taking meds as directed by the doctor, am absolutely counseled out and am no longer seeing a counselor at the moment. I do not know if this is just age and the depression will continue to worsen or what. It is scary.
• I lost 105 pounds two years ago (I think two years ago?) and my anxiety shot through the roof and I didn't know why. I became a stick and then within a space of a week two guys from work that I've known for ten years both told me that they liked me (one said that they loved me and thought of me every night as they slept in the same bed as their wife....ick). It freaked me out so badly that I literally did not go to work for two weeks. I didn't realize it at the time, but I started eating my heart out. I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and voila..the pounds started piling on. The more the weight increased, the more my anxiety decreased. It made me learn something about myself...I am not comfortable being at a normal weight. Overweight or even obese is my comfort zone. I gained 80 pounds back. 
• I have been trying to work on the weight again just to be healthy at least but at the same time am scared to death that the anxiety will increase like it did before and I will feel horribly uncomfortable. I've lost again 51 pounds since my husband left last September. 
• Do you know how I've been losing the weight? I'm not eating. Yes..there you have it...it's like I'm a teen again and anorexia strikes again. Last week I didn't eat for seven days...just drank water. It's to the point now that I do not even get hungry and when I do finally eat I just want to vomit. 
• Last weekend was hell. I went out because I've been such a hermit in my house and took my iPad to read a book and drink apple martinis (it's been FOREVER). Bad idea if you haven't eaten for seven days. I didn't think about it though and like an idiot drank way too much. I had no one to call to pick me up and did not feel comfortable driving home. I laid down in my freezing car in the middle of the night hoping the drunk haze would pass and finally after a few hours called my daughter to pick me up. Doing that sobered my ass up really quick and I called her again and told her that I was coming home. I was crying like crazy. You have to understand. I never cussed in front of my child until she was 18 years old. I always felt I had to be the perfect role model for her growing up and having to call her up when she's 21 to pick up her drunk mother just freaked me out. I really blew it. She has never seen me drunk or tipsy before. She found out that I hadn't eaten in seven days and really freaked out then. She learned a few years ago that I was anorexic as a teen. She became really angry with me. I called my husband as soon as I got home crying and telling him everything. He got on the phone with her to make sure that she was OK and told her to not base this incident on who I am because "we all know her character". She said that she was just upset that I hadn't eaten, was scared for me and that she was also upset that I drove home. The next morning she said that she was no longer angry and that she was not disappointed in me (I'm not sure if she is or was just saying that) but that she would become disappointed over time if I continued not to eat. My husband told her on the phone that he was not angry with me, but that he was disappointed and worried. He said that he blames himself for being so far away when my mental health hasn't been the greatest, but he did not tell me this. I felt really bad because let's face it..I am an adult who made very unwise decisions and it is not his fault. 
• I have missed a lot of work. I sleep a lot. In a way it is a relief that my husband is so far away so that he does not see me like this. Because of my daughter's work schedule she does not realize how much I miss work and sleep. 
• I just want to sleep and never wake up. 
• I have no passion for anything in life and have no clue how to get it back.
• I ask myself if this is what it will be like for the rest of my life.
• It's like I had a purpose when my daughter was being raised and then when my husband needed help with his art and now I feel I have no purpose.
• I am codependent as hell.
• I have read books to help me with this and while I nod a million times while reading these books because I am SO damn codependent and identify so much with what the author says, it has not changed my behavior.
• I do not know how to change my behavior.
• I just realized the other day that maybe the reason I do not want to eat is because it is a slow death. Seriously, the thought of putting anything in my mouth other than water makes me want to throw up.
• I haven't been on Facebook in awhile. I try to sometimes but feel like a damn fake because I am not doing well at all. I call it Fakebook.
• No one at work knows what I'm going through except my boss. What is crazy is that he told me that I'm "such a valued employee and one of the best on his team" that I do not have to get FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) and to take the time I need to get better. I am not getting written up for being absent or anything. It makes me feel like shit. 
• I am three classes away from finally getting the Masters of Business Administration (MBA) degree. I am taking a break this quarter because last quarter I barely scraped by with an "A". I still have a 4.0 GPA and don't want to mess it up.
• Why I care about my GPA when really I don't want to wake up in the morning is beyond me.

When I reach my time to die, will I wish I hadn't wasted it like I am sleeping? Will I all of a sudden want to live? I ask myself this all of the time.

To Post about Thoughts One Day

I found this old post from a few years ago when visiting the cuckoo's nest and wanted to share. Not sure why I didn't publish it before....

Recently, I've been in the cuckoo's nest (outpatient psychiatric hospitalization) and yesterday one of the therapists said something that really stuck with me. He said that when people knock on our house door we have the choice to let them in or not. If it's the pizza guy, we let him in and get our pizza. If it's a nice friend, we let them in. If it's someone with a gun or who looks dangerous, we don't let them in.

In the same way, think about this...would you leave your windows and doors open in the middle of the night with all of your lights on in the hot, humid summertime? Probably not because if you did bugs would be flying in, it would be hot and uncomfortable. For this reason we shut our doors, we shut our windows, we filter our houses from these things.

We also filter e-mail and phone calls. Sometimes you may not pick up the phone or read every e-mail you receive.

So, with all of that being said and thinking about how we filter and protect our house door from strangers, why can't we do the same thing with the emotions that come into our mind?

Our brain will process thoughts that lead to emotion. That is what it's supposed to do. Sometimes the emotion is a good one and it's like a nice friend visiting and when it happens open the door wide and let it in. If it's a negative thought that produces a negative emotion, then we should shut that door and not let it in our brains to ruminate and visit for too long.

Yes, emotions (good and bad) will visit and it's our choice to welcome them or not.

I hope I'm articulating what I learned. I'm new at this healing process myself and just wanted to share this with you.

The Child Within

Today at work I was outside having a cigarette and it was absolutely freezing. Needless to say, I wasn't out there for very long. I need to quit smoking soon and have decided to quit by 2012. I quit for two years and started back the day my daughter moved out. I am almost ready to quit again.

While outside there were two men huddled together talking sports trying to amass body warmth between the two in the best way they could. One of the men I see from time to time I always look twice at because he reminds me of my biological father. While they chatted about games they watched the night before I wondered to myself what my biological father talks about during his breaks at work. It got me very curious, which is normal when I think of him.

I haven't seen him for two years. The last time I saw him was at a gathering that I did not expect to see him at. He completely ignored me and acted like I didn't exist. This is normal behavior from him yet it hurt a lot. What is ironic is that he talked to my husband. He had never met him before and was curious about him, I guess, and I found them in the kitchen chatting. I almost lost my mind. I could not believe he talked to him but not me, his only daughter. My husband is Arabic and he was telling him how he had learned some Arabic while living in the Middle East years ago. What he did not tell my husband is that the reason why he was living there was because a judge had told him he had to pay child support and instead of paying he ran away overseas. What a long haul to escape child support.

I have never understood him. I remember being a child and having very rare moments when he could be the charmer and make me feel like the only person who existed in the world. He never had much to do with me. In my 20's I called him trying to get to know him as an adult and he actually asked me why I wanted to be his friend. I was dumbfounded to say the least. That was the last real conversation I had with him. In that conversation he also told me that he understood why I wanted to see him because he kept in touch with his parents to see what he would look like as he aged. Once again, I was dumbfounded. I asked to meet him for lunch. He was not interested as usual.

I am his only child. I think that is a huge regret for him. I recently heard from a great aunt he never wanted children and was angry with my Mom when she got pregnant. He was never in my life, really, except for those few rare moments of joy and a lifetime of pain.

I just turned 40 this past October. I do not know why, but I want to reach out to him one more time to see if I can finally get to know him. My husband and Mom tell me not to because it will be disastrous and I will only be hurt again. I am afraid he will die one day and he will take to the grave the reason why he was never in my life. Even at 40 I blame myself. I realize on a logical level that it is irrational to feel this way; yet, I cannot help it. The child within continues to grieve.

Will I feel this way on my deathbed?

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I haven't posted IN AGES! I'm happy to say that I haven't been in bed this whole time with the dog of depression biting my ass. Things have been very busy with the Master's program at school, a lot of projects to complete at work and I started volunteering at a juvenile prison. I like to think of it as a teen rehabilitation center versus a prison. They have a mentoring program and I am currently mentoring three juveniles (all boys ages 16 to 17). I go after work for two hours on Wednesdays and then four hours on Saturday afternoons. It has been highly satisfying to work with these boys and greatly enjoyable.

I wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and spend cherished time with your family and friends. We will be going to my parents house Thursday and then I have to work on writing a paper that is due this week (what is the professor thinking??).

So far I've lost 105 pounds and wanted to post before, during and after pics below. The last picture was taken a week or so ago.

I promise to start blogging soon. I am very thankful for each and every one of you and hope that you are all doing well! *hugs*

I am so sad

I miss my daughter so much. She went to the prom tonight. She is so beautiful. She has no clue how hurt I am and doesn't need to at this point. She cannot fathom the pain. She is so much into her social life and friends, which is quite typical for her age, but she's gone now and there is nothing I can do.

I am out of the looney bin and have been back to work for about three weeks. So far I've lost a total of 72 pounds since last year and work out at the gym almost daily. I've gone from a size 24 in clothes and am now in between a 14 and 16. 16 is a tad large while I can put on 14 but it's a tad tight. Not a bad predicament to be in.

My Hell is the fact that I've experienced empty nest at a rate of zero to 160. It has been a year and 11 days since she moved out. I am doing better yet at times almost fall apart like now. I didn't experience her senior year with her, go shopping for prom dresses with her and won't see her walk across the stage to get her diploma at graduation. She is leaving for England with her dad in a week and won't be attending graduation.

My counselor said I am grieving. It's strange to think that because she's still alive. The other night I saw a picture of her and realized I have a daughter and was shocked. She looked so foreign to me. That is when I discovered how I have been compartmentalizing my feelings in order to just survive. At times I am OK, sometimes I am actually good and other times I fall to pieces and cannot regulate the emotions.

I miss her. I am angry and resentful with her. I feel I miserably failed as a mother. I deeply love her.

Back in the Cuckoo's Nest

I'm back in the hospital on an outpatient basis. I've been there for two weeks and three weeks prior to that was in bed either asleep or when awake planning how I would die. I go Mondays to Fridays from 8:30am to 3:00pm and am finally starting to climb back out of the hole. I meet with a psychiatrist three times a week, have group sessions every day, meet with a nutritionist once a week, have had a lot of blood work done and meet with an individual counselor once to twice a week. Group sessions consist of a lot of classes to teach you skills on how to regulate emotions, be more educated about your diagnosis and how to process your life effectively.

In the past I've been to counselors once a week for an hour at a time. Doing what I'm doing now is like having eight therapy sessions in one day, so it's been some major power counseling. It was either that or end the pain and I decided that this would be my last thing to try and if it didn't work that was it.

I stopped taking meds about three months ago. I am now back on them again and am afraid that I will be on meds for life. My psychiatrist has been trying different combinations to help things out and finally I'm starting to see that the sun does shine sometimes.

I've had to take FMLA (medical leave of absence) from work and yes I'm stressing financially, but hasn't that been the cycle and I'm ready to break it. I was hospitalized five years ago at the same cuckoo's nest and I think I'm getting more out of it this time. I don't know if it's my age (I'll be 40 this year) or the program is better or I'm more receptive to it all or what, but I've been taking A LOT of notes, have received and scribbled on A LOT of handouts and I think when I get out of the hospital I'm going to start blogging again what I learned in the hospital to keep it fresh in my head.

I also want to change my blog a bit and will be thinking about this as well in the near future once I'm out for good.

I'm not sure if I previously stated that I finally graduated in December with my Bachelor's degree in Computer Information Systems. I did maintain the 4.0 GPA though I know it really doesn't matter because it's not like anyone will ever ask that question. It's just something I worked hard for and here is a place that I can talk about it.

I started the MBA program but have had to put it on hiatus at the moment but plan to start again as soon as I am discharged and am back at work.

Thank you all for the support and reading my crap. :) You mean more than you know.

A Lot of Silence

I haven't blogged here in forever. I've just had nothing to say. You get to a point where you have so much bad news you are tired of thinking about it, much less talking or blogging about it. Instead of calling this blog  "Chunks of Reality", I should call it "A Whole Lotta Complaining" because that is all I do, it seems.

OK, this is the first attempt to get back into the blogging world. I don't want to complain, so will end my post now. :)

Take care, everyone! I've missed ya.