Yawning and Quirkiness

I am quite tired lately and not sure why. It seems that I yawn 24/7 and it doesn't matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. Could it be the Prozac? One reason why I don't like taking new meds is because any changes you may experience you question yourself if it could be the medication or something else.

This past weekend I went with my cousin, her daughter and my daughter to the beach to visit my other cousin (my cousin's sister). It was great fun and I realized how important it is to get out of your hometown sometimes. It gives you a much needed change of perspective. I told my husband that we need to get out of town together this weekend. So, though I don't know where we are going, we are going somewhere and I can't wait to get out of here.

Right now my house is a mess. It's organized, but just dirty. I haven't been home much and haven't had the time to clean like I need to. When I have been home I've been too tired to do it. It gets on my nerves to see it like this because my Type A personality kicks in and kicks my butt about it, but I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Isn't that bad?

I am cycling through feelings of caring and not caring. I feel restless and am jostling my foot as I write this. I want to stop working where I am. I hate what I do every day here and can't wait to start the new job. Yet at the same time I don't want to work at all and wish I could just be a stay-at-home Mom. That would be so lovely.

I am going to try and clean house tonight. And wash clothes. There is a mountain to wash at the moment. I wish my husband and daughter would see what needs to be done and pitch in instead of waiting for me to say, "Let's clean house!". Ugh...my husband won't help right now anyway. He is overwhelmed with work and school and has been quite depressed lately. I won't ask him to do a thing.

This post is absolutely boring me to tears, so I'll end here. I apologize if you read this far. I'm in a quirky mood today.

I am SOOOO Gullible

My mother told me something when I was ten years old. We were visiting her biological mother (long story of why I am calling her "biological") in Virginia. One day during the trip my Mom pointed out the car window and said, "Do you see those cows on that big hill?" I looked and said, "Yes". She then said, "How do those cows walk around that big hill when one set of their feet are longer than the ones on the other side?"

I had to sit and look and think about that. It was obvious that these cows wanted to get to the top of the hill and it didn't look very easy to do because of their obvious impediment of one half of their legs being longer than the other side. Momma then said that they must walk around and around the mountains in order to get to the top of the mountain and wasn't it just a shame that they couldn't just walk up or down the hill like everyone else.

I completely believed my parents for YEARS and thought that mountain cows and goats had smaller legs on one side of their bodies that they used to go around hills and mountains because they couldn't go up them.

When really, the cows and goats have fine standing bones to cavort around in and really I am the twerp with the misconception. My mother got such a laugh and thrill telling everyone how I believed those long years ago that I thought their legs were shorter and then everyone would call me "gullible", "naive", "green behind the ears", and any type of expression they could find.

On another note, I have been experiencing great difficulty sleeping lately once again. I just popped an Ambien to help me rest prior to laying down with my laptop to try and say .... something..... anything.

Writing with Ambien is quite difficult and at the same time quite nice because I don't have the normal fear of who will read what. I found out that one person found my blog that I never expected would (and you know who you are). It really freaks me out because this blog is a place I can say anything on my mind and feel the freedom while doing it. I don't feel as free anymore. I feel I have to censor certain things, which doesn't go along with the life and intent of this blog.

I don't feel as comfortable blogging because of it.

I have actually thought about deleting this blog and starting anew somewhere else where no one will know me. I will miss my blogging friends a lot, though.

Ugh....

I just don't know what to do.

I think that I'll sleep now...Thankfully the Ambien is starting to kick in.

Good night, my friends. Please pray for me. I am desperately trying to change my life and don't know where to start. I feel so ADD and overwhelmed when I think about all that I need to do and all that I need to face, and conquer once and for all.

OMG, I Can't Stand This!

I am at work today. Thank God. It was very difficult to get in today. I am very tired and very down. I hate for people to see me like this. I am trying my best to look "OK" around people. It's difficult to so smile and put on the "the face" when you feel like this. I really hate acting. I barely have the energy to act like everything is fine.

I have to write test definitions based on business rules for the new system we are creating. All I can say is OMG...I have no concentration for this today. The bad thing is that everything is on a stopwatch. Every minute is tracked down to the second. When you lack concentration like I do today you become scared that you will burn hours.

I have a huge headache as well.

Wow, I'm certainly complaining. I just realized that. I apologize.

It's just so difficult to be here.

Yesterday morning I woke up and the first thought that went through my head was "Don't wake up, don't wake up, go back to sleep". I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 2:00pm. I couldn't do that today.

This morning while driving I saw a car hit me, a train hit me and a truck hit me. Of course it was all in my mind. The scary thing is that I wasn't consciously thinking that I wanted to get hit. It was like the thought would go through my mind unwarranted, I would see it happen in my mind, and then I would think about what I just saw. I would then think, "Too bad it didn't happen".

I'm back on my meds. Thank you everyone for your kind comments on the last post. Ya'll help me more than you know.

I hope the meds kick in soon. Maybe that is the big problem right now. We shall see.

Tonight I have the statistics mid-term. With the way I feel, this should be a doozy.

Lost in Space

For the past two days I've been working on my English and Statistics classes. The English class focuses on business communication such as how to tactfully tell an employee that their body odor is grossing everybody out in the office to how to fire someone, how to tell someone that their qualifications suck and there is no room in the company for dweebs like you...etc, etc. You say it all in a professional way, of course.

UGH

First of all, when I read in the book "Find another way to say "Your body odor is offensive", I sit there for a minute and think..."Would anyone actually say that to a person anyway?...I mean, does this actually need to be taught??" Then I sit there and have to come up with a more professional way to say it and what I come up with is GRADED.

Sheesh.

Concerning statistics, I feel better about it all. I completed all of my homework finally and doing the homework made me actually feel a little confident. I understand and can do standard deviations, finding the mean, mode, median, range, class boundaries, class width, finding the cumulative frequency of a frequency distribution, what the empirical rules are and what Chebyshev's rule is. I am actually understanding it all now and can complete the work. *whew*

The question is if I can do well on the test that I have to take online this week. The test is due by this Sunday night. I have to work tomorrow through Sunday for 12 hours a day and I hope like hell that I can squeeze in who knows how much time it will take to complete the test. The professor said that it's approximately 30 questions. We shall see about that...

Then on Monday I go to work and back to school to take the mid-term that has about that many questions. And then I will fall to pieces to the floor in exhaustion.

I'm tired. I have so much on my mind that I want to share here. I want to really tell it like it is, but the problem I have is that I don't know where to start. I am so sick of so many things and I don't know where to begin.

I need help. I can't even help myself now.

No Time To Breathe

I have had no time today to do what I've wanted....not even enough time to post what I want here in this blog.

*sigh*

Agitated....

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone that spent the time to put a comment on my blog. It means more than you all know and I appreciate you.

On another note, I cannot believe how agitated and frustrated I am tonight. I feel like I will just spring out of my body and scream until my throat is raw and bloody. I don't know what my problem is and just the fact that I am agitated makes me more frustrated.

I love my daughter dearly. She is 14 years old and in the ninth grade. Lately she is driving me nuts with her lack of wanting to do anything around the house or anything period. She just wants to do what she wants and doesn't appear to care. She is also going through an arguing stage and even when I tell her to stop arguing she tells me that she isn't! I realize that all of this is completely normal for her age, but it is driving me crazy.

When she started the ninth grade, I wanted her to start disciplining herself more and so I didn't give her a bedtime. I was hoping that she would be able to discipline herself to get the rest that she needed. We had a family talk about it and the condition of not having a bedtime was that she had to get herself up in the morning, ready for school and to the bus on time. She also had to get her responsibilities done in the morning, which was to feed the cats and dog and give them fresh water.

From the very start she didn't do a very good job of it all. It even got to the point that she wasn't doing her responsibilities and was so tired in the morning that she wasn't able to even get up. She would turn her alarm off and go back to sleep. I kept giving her chances and kept discussing with her how she can discipline herself. Nothing worked. So, I had to give her a bedtime of 10:00pm on school nights. I was actually quite disappointed because I really want her to start taking responsibility for herself. She only has four years left and then she starts college.

At times I feel like I am trying to cram everything I think she needs to know and do in these last four years.

With that background, I hope that it is understandable that I was exasperated with her tonight because it was 10:00pm and she had not taken a shower or done the things she was supposed to do and was still watching television at 10:02pm! I asked her what the problem was and she said that she didn't have a problem. I asked her if she realized the time and she said that she did, but wanted to watch television. That really got me. I told her that in the future if she wants to stay up later, instead of blatantly ignoring the rules, to talk with me about it. I said that sometimes I will let her stay up later and sometimes I won't, but that the important thing is to communicate. She said, "OK" and we'll see.

That isn't the only thing frustrating me at this point. My husband is frustrating me because I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and he yells any time he wants to blow off his frustration. It hurts my feelings when he does this. It also makes me angry and resentful because it seems to be not allowed if I am frustrated, but it's fine if he is frustrated. He is also too rough at times and when he's playing he physically hurts me sometimes. Not majorly, but it does hurt. When I tell him to stop sometimes he doesn't and that makes me feel like he completely disrespects me. Sometimes he does stop, but he never apologizes. Sometimes, like tonight, he just gets mad. I asked him to come back and he gave me the finger and walked out of the room. That was 15 minutes ago and now the TV is blaring.

I'm not trying to make him out to be a monster. He isn't. He is actually a very passionate person and cares a lot. Just sometimes it doesn't show and I am just frustrated by the constant drama.

Even if my daughter and husband weren't driving me crazy tonight I would still feel frustrated. It's something inside of me that I can't figure out the source and can't fix.

Wow, I just realized that I used some form of the word “frustrated” eight times. I hope tomorrow is better.