I am so sad

I miss my daughter so much. She went to the prom tonight. She is so beautiful. She has no clue how hurt I am and doesn't need to at this point. She cannot fathom the pain. She is so much into her social life and friends, which is quite typical for her age, but she's gone now and there is nothing I can do.

I am out of the looney bin and have been back to work for about three weeks. So far I've lost a total of 72 pounds since last year and work out at the gym almost daily. I've gone from a size 24 in clothes and am now in between a 14 and 16. 16 is a tad large while I can put on 14 but it's a tad tight. Not a bad predicament to be in.

My Hell is the fact that I've experienced empty nest at a rate of zero to 160. It has been a year and 11 days since she moved out. I am doing better yet at times almost fall apart like now. I didn't experience her senior year with her, go shopping for prom dresses with her and won't see her walk across the stage to get her diploma at graduation. She is leaving for England with her dad in a week and won't be attending graduation.

My counselor said I am grieving. It's strange to think that because she's still alive. The other night I saw a picture of her and realized I have a daughter and was shocked. She looked so foreign to me. That is when I discovered how I have been compartmentalizing my feelings in order to just survive. At times I am OK, sometimes I am actually good and other times I fall to pieces and cannot regulate the emotions.

I miss her. I am angry and resentful with her. I feel I miserably failed as a mother. I deeply love her.

Back in the Cuckoo's Nest

I'm back in the hospital on an outpatient basis. I've been there for two weeks and three weeks prior to that was in bed either asleep or when awake planning how I would die. I go Mondays to Fridays from 8:30am to 3:00pm and am finally starting to climb back out of the hole. I meet with a psychiatrist three times a week, have group sessions every day, meet with a nutritionist once a week, have had a lot of blood work done and meet with an individual counselor once to twice a week. Group sessions consist of a lot of classes to teach you skills on how to regulate emotions, be more educated about your diagnosis and how to process your life effectively.

In the past I've been to counselors once a week for an hour at a time. Doing what I'm doing now is like having eight therapy sessions in one day, so it's been some major power counseling. It was either that or end the pain and I decided that this would be my last thing to try and if it didn't work that was it.

I stopped taking meds about three months ago. I am now back on them again and am afraid that I will be on meds for life. My psychiatrist has been trying different combinations to help things out and finally I'm starting to see that the sun does shine sometimes.

I've had to take FMLA (medical leave of absence) from work and yes I'm stressing financially, but hasn't that been the cycle and I'm ready to break it. I was hospitalized five years ago at the same cuckoo's nest and I think I'm getting more out of it this time. I don't know if it's my age (I'll be 40 this year) or the program is better or I'm more receptive to it all or what, but I've been taking A LOT of notes, have received and scribbled on A LOT of handouts and I think when I get out of the hospital I'm going to start blogging again what I learned in the hospital to keep it fresh in my head.

I also want to change my blog a bit and will be thinking about this as well in the near future once I'm out for good.

I'm not sure if I previously stated that I finally graduated in December with my Bachelor's degree in Computer Information Systems. I did maintain the 4.0 GPA though I know it really doesn't matter because it's not like anyone will ever ask that question. It's just something I worked hard for and here is a place that I can talk about it.

I started the MBA program but have had to put it on hiatus at the moment but plan to start again as soon as I am discharged and am back at work.

Thank you all for the support and reading my crap. :) You mean more than you know.

A Lot of Silence

I haven't blogged here in forever. I've just had nothing to say. You get to a point where you have so much bad news you are tired of thinking about it, much less talking or blogging about it. Instead of calling this blog  "Chunks of Reality", I should call it "A Whole Lotta Complaining" because that is all I do, it seems.

OK, this is the first attempt to get back into the blogging world. I don't want to complain, so will end my post now. :)

Take care, everyone! I've missed ya.

Bankruptcy is Now Official

June 18th marked the day that I officially declared bankruptcy. I've felt physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt for years and now I have a piece of paper to prove it.

In one way I'm glad that I finally did it. I've had financial issues since I was in the psychiatric hospital for depression about three years ago. Prior to flying into the cuckoo's nest my bills were current, I always paid on time and my credit score was 786. After being in the hospital, I lost my job for the first time in my life, went without a paycheck for a while, got behind on everything and my credit score plummeted to less than 500.

I visited financial advisors who all said I needed to declare bankruptcy. I didn't want to do it due to the stigma of it all and also I was a contractor and was worried that I would lose my job or have issues in getting another job when the contract was over. I've now been full-time for almost a year and felt that I needed to go ahead and get it over with.

I recently met with a bankruptcy attorney who said after viewing my financials that I needed to do it. I got all of the paperwork together (my gawd, the paperwork is incredible!), saved $800 to pay the attorney and on June 18 they filed the paperwork with the court. I still have to go to a court hearing to have it finalized with a judge and am currently waiting to know the date of the hearing.

Not only will I be going to court once this summer, I will actually be going twice. In my job I need to have a C2 security clearance due to the nature of my work and because of my credit issues the federal agency who grants the clearance recently notified me that they could not decide if I should have the clearance or not and said that I had a choice of having a federal judge decide based on viewing my paperwork or request a hearing so that I could make a case before the judge prior to their decision. I opted for the hearing so that the judge could see me in person and hopefully ascertain that I'm not some deadbeat person.

If I don't receive the security clearance I could lose my job. I am the breadwinner and am scared to death of this.

The federal attorney working on the case contacted me last week notifying me of the process and suggested that I gather evidence of why I'm in the financial mess I'm in. She also said it would be good to gather written character references from people to present to the judge as well as any other documentation to show what type of person I am due to the judge performing a "whole person analysis" in the court hearing. I've already asked some people to write references and have received seven so far. What people have said in these references brought tears to my eyes because I didn't expect such glowing words. I wish I could believe what people have written about me.

I've also made copies of my university transcripts to show the judge that I'm a senior holding a 4.0 GPA with only three classes left. I was able to find documents of me going to financial advisors in the past to prove that I tried to take care of my debt and will explain that I am just now pursuing bankruptcy because I am a full-time employee and was worried about claiming bankruptcy as a contract worker. I found the discharge papers from the hospital which I will present as well as my credit score reports from Experian, Equifax and Transunion that show my payment history was stellar prior to the date of me going into the hospital. I don't know if it will help, but I'm also going to present past reviews at work as well as my DD-214 (discharge papers from the Navy) showing an honorable discharge.

The person who hired me where I work now is also going to go to the court hearing with me to give an in-court character reference. I knew him years ago when I worked where I work now (yes, I now work full-time at the same place I was fired at years ago after being in the hospital). He knew me back then and will be able to testify what type of person and employee I've been and to state that he knew I was in the hospital years ago and have been doing better since then.

What's ironic is that I had this security clearance when I worked here before. I will notify the judge of this as well as telling him/her that I had an even higher security clearance while in the Navy. I hope that the bankruptcy will go through first so that I can also present the bankruptcy paperwork to the federal judge. If not I will still present the case number and paperwork the bankruptcy attorney filed on my behalf. I was scared of filing bankruptcy prior to the federal hearing and only hope that the federal judge will see that I'm trying to take care of my debt instead of just letting it go and not doing anything about it.

I have a Chapter 13 bankruptcy which I'm glad about because I will need to pay a certain sum of money every month for the next five years. To me it's better than a Chapter 7 because in the Chapter 7 you don't need to pay a thing. Though I won't be paying the exact amount I owe to the credit companies, I feel good knowing that I'm at least paying something.

It's strange to think that not only did I lose my daughter, I lost my car (I had a Volkswagen Jetta before but am now driving an extra car my parents have that has no air conditioning while saving money for a car that I can purchase outright and have no car payment), I am now officially bankrupt and yet I've still not lost my sanity.

The monster called insanity is irresistibly close and I hope I don't jump off the cliff. I'm barely hanging in there. At least I'm not in the psychiatric ward again. Maybe I'm stronger than I realized.

Everything is Falling Apart

So much has happened. I haven't posted here in forever because frankly I felt tired of complaining. I feel that complaining is all I do here and I wanted to end the cycle. Because I was tired of complaining, I didn't know what to write about anymore. There was no urge to write.

The urge to write isn't back. It's just I had to voice something. I am completely devastated. My daughter is now living with her father. She moved out two weeks ago. I still cannot believe it.

Every day is an effort to continue. Every day something happens in a negative way and I have gotten numb to it. I want to stop this cycle of negativity. I want to stop the tragedies. I want to stop the bad news. I want to stop the depression and loneliness. I want to stop the blame and the shame and the anger and the confusion. I want to stop everything. I want to stop my life.

I'm surprised I'm not dead or in a hospital.

Horny as Hell

I go from being completely depressed to completely horny. I haven't had sex in over four months now!

I am sitting here at work and can hardly stay sitting in my chair because I want to fuck so badly. I apologize for being so rude, it's just that "fuck" is the most applicable word. I don't want to "make love" or even "have sex". It's such a primal urge that I'm feeling and it's terrible!!

My husband now says that he wants to have sex, but I don't want to. I think that is a pretty safe thing for him to say now since I don't want to with him. Who would want to have sex with someone who considers you fat, obese and horrible? Well, he never said "horrible" or "fat", but he DID say "obese" and that it "changes the sexual experience".

That's a real turn-on.

That really puts me in the mood.

I can imagine the whole time we're doing it I'll be thinking terrible things about myself in my mind and imagining what he's thinking the entire time.

It is torture to think about.

So, I don't want sex with him.

But I do want sex....NOW.

I am really angry with him. Very angry. I don't think I've said that before. It's gotten to the point that when he talks I think the word, "asshole" in my mind. It's just second nature now.

We really need to go to a counselor, but we haven't yet because I've been taking my daughter to counseling and it cost $45 a pop and she's going once a week for right now. After her appointments lessen in number over time, we'll start going.

If we're still together by then....UGH.

Sing Me to Sleep

I'm tired and I want to go to bed....
Don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone.
Don't feel bad for me.....
I want you to know...
Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go.

This song from the Smiths keeps echoing through my brain.

I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

I realize this is the depression digging deeper roots. It really doesn't want to let me go. At least someone (thing?) likes me, I guess.

I am at work. Haven't missed any time. I am trying to manage. Don't want to repeat this vicious cycle.

I am a hamster in the wheel of depression....and a fat one at that.

At an Impasse

I bought another pack of cigarettes even though I threw away the other pack I had last week. I've had a few of them and am sick of smoking them. I hate the smell of them, hate the way I smell after smoking them and while smoking them wonder what the hell I'm doing. I just had a cigarette at lunch and am back at my desk wanting to throw the pack away. Why do I keep doing this? I guess it boils down to cravings and felt I had to have a cigarette and bought a pack. I just realized while typing this. I lack discipline. This is why it's good to blog. You sometimes realize things about yourself while seeing it typed out or visitors to your blog realize it for you.

I wasn't hungry today at all and got lunch anyway. I had a salad because I thought I would probably get hungry by the afternoon and then would be stuck. I should have not eaten a darn thing. Now I am so full I feel sick and once again realize that I lack discipline.

I am getting bigger and bigger and bigger. My clothes are restricting while I refuse to buy larger ones. I look like a whale shark. I feel like a stuffed pig. Just give me an apple to stick in my mouth and call it a day. It will suit my physique just perfectly.

Two days ago I mowed the front and back yard. My muscles are still complaining from it. This morning I could hardly get out of bed and walk because my muscles were screaming with pain. That is how out of shape I am....I can't even cut the grass.

My knees hurt while walking and I get out of breath. I am getting hot all of the time because of the stores of fat all over my body. I feel like I breathe heavily while sitting because my lungs don't have enough room to expand with all the fat cells squashing them down. Even my eyelids are fat.

While typing this I got a granola bar out and am munching it. I'm full! I don't need it! But yet I do. The more I talk about my weight the more I want to eat. I just want to eat until I'm so full I pop and this shit is finally over.

It's funny really because I normally don't eat a lot at all. I'm not one of those comfort food eaters. I don't eat candies, chips or cookies. I don't eat granola bars. It's just lately I am so focused on my weight that I feel like an alien to myself and for some reason want to eat. It reminds me of my days of bulimia. When I was a teenager I would eat loads of food and vomit it up so that I could eat more. I would eat 10 bowls of cereal, throw up and eat 10 more, throw up, eat 10 more, etc. until all of the cereal in the house would be gone. I was skinny then. The only difference now is that I'm not making myself throw up. I want to, but I don't let myself get into the cycle because it was so difficult to stop before. Yet, I am sorta in that cycle, really.

I am going to weigh myself. It's been a while. There are scales in the building. Be right back....

I am back, huffing, puffing and wheezing because I actually walked. Went to the scales and found that I'm 253.2 pounds, which is 114.9 kilos or 18.09 stone for the Brits out there. The scales are located beside the vending machines and I stopped and purchased some peanut M&M's and a peanut butter Moon Pie. I never eat that shit, but today I will. Why not? I thought I was 260, and I'm actually seven pounds less than that, so by all means I need to eat! Even though I feel like I could vomit, I'm going to pack this shit in anyway.

Wow, while typing I'm getting really angry. Curious. I usually don't get angry. I am the depressed, emo type who just cries. Not now...I could smack the shit out of something at the moment.

You know, at least it's food I guess. If I was a drug user, I think tonight you would find me a lot like DJ AM who just died with 8 OxyContin not even all the way dissolved in his stomach, the ninth one still in his mouth, not even swallowed, laying on a bag of weed with a crack pipe beside him. At least he was skinny. Maybe I need to switch to drugs. What would my drug of choice be? I hate feeling out of control of my body, so which one would it be...hmmmm....

This peanut butter Moon Pie tastes like shit, but I'm going to eat it anyway. I should wash it down with a Mountain Dew or milkshake if I had one.

OK, just finished the Moon Pie and on to the M&M's! I'm not a big chocolate eater. I like dark chocolate, but don't eat a lot of it. M&M's I only eat them if going to the movies.

What the fuck am I doing?

Now the wimp is coming back and I want to cry. I'm no longer angry. I am lost. I don't know who I am. I am barely chewing the M&M's...just swallowing them to get it over with. I want to go to bed. I don't want to go to bed. I want to die. I don't want to die. I want to be a thousand pounds and not be able to get out of my house without a forklift breaking down a wall and getting me. I want to be skinny.

I want and want and want and want while increasingly becoming more empty inside. Nothing can fill this emotional chasm.

The Window to my Soul

Today I was in a team status meeting at work and noticed that two people stared at me quite a bit. This doesn't usually occur and I wondered if there was something between my teeth, something in my hair or anything that would cause their curiosity. As I left, one of the people asked how I was doing. I said "Fine", smiled and walked to the bathroom.

For the first time in a while I actually looked at myself to see what could be wrong. Nothing was in my hair or teeth and nothing was protruding from my forehead to cause concern. I continued to look and then noticed my eyes and was shocked.

They look dead.

It looks like they have a muted expression and depression is screaming out of their orbs. Even the skin around my eyes is dark, which is not usual at all. One of my best features is my eyes, not only for the color, but also the expression they continually radiate. They are truly the window to my soul. Right now I think my soul is broken. It's black and my eyes reflect no light or joy.

It is quite surreal to see. I knew something broke inside of me last night. I felt it mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I wonder if my husband will notice it tonight.

Alone at the Beach

Still at the beach. I love Hilton Head Island, SC. It is very beautiful, not too touristy and the beach is so natural. High-rise buildings and tall signs/billboards are not allowed. All store signs must be low to the ground and in earth colors. We are staying in a condo on the beach and the dunes are gorgeous. So far we have seen deer, rabbits and other critters in between our condo and the beach living in the dunes and the beach itself is covered in sand dollars, small blue crabs scuttling around and starfish. Porpoises were frolicking in the surf as well as my favorite pelicans scooping the water hoping for a good catch. The weather has been truly amazing.

My best friend left to go back home with her family. It was a tight fit with everyone. Basically it was ten people in a place set up for six. There were so many children sleeping in the living room/kitchen area that you couldn't make coffee or even get to the sink in the morning until everyone woke up. My best friend got out of the psychiatric hospital this past Friday and seeing her here at the beach was wonderful. She is doing better now than she has in a long time. She commented last night while we floated in the pool that she feels more relaxed than she has in years. I'm very happy for her....and relieved. I'm worried that when she gets home she will become overwhelmed with reality and I won't be there to help her. I told her husband to remind her that there has been great progress and to take it one step at a time.

My husband is at home. Every day he says that he will drive out here, but has not. Every day there has been some type of phone drama with him and frankly I am tired. Last night I cried a lot and this afternoon I cried again because I couldn't get in touch with him and I was scared he ended it all. He's been talking about it for days, if not weeks, and when I called the neighbor who said that the car was there and he wouldn't answer the door, I just knew it was the end. I was frantic with worry and he finally called. His phone was in the bedroom vibrating while he was in the living room not hearing it. I just broke down in tears and told him that he frightened me. He promised to call if he was going to do it, though this doesn't set my mind at ease. I, of all people, know that a decision like that can be impulsively made and I don't put much stock into thinking he would pick up the phone first.

Since my friends left I was on the beach alone. My daughter is here with my nephew from France, his friend from France along with my best friends daughter who is my daughters friend. They bounced between the pool, beach and condo during the day while I hung out under an umbrella on the sand. My mind continually went through everything on my mind and it was difficult to think about much else. I looked around and noticed that not many people were by themselves at the beach. It felt quite lonely to see other families spending time together while my husband sits at home. I wonder if I am married sometimes.

I feel quite down tonight. I am in bed by myself while my husband is miles and miles away. This isn't how it is supposed to be.

And So....

I found a job and started work this past Monday. I worked there two and a half years ago and it was the place where I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. It feels pretty surreal to be back there.

My nephew is here from France along with his friend. My house has been full of teens for two weeks. Sunday we go to the beach for a week. I can't wait. It's my parents timeshare and they gave us a week to go. I am very thankful to them for that.

This past week was spent in training. I go to the beach for a week, which isn't bad at all.

My marriage is a mess.

My husband is mentally ill.

I am fighting depression. It hasn't claimed me yet.

My husband isn't going to the beach with us. He wants to be alone. He says that what he's going through isn't my problem. I really don't know what to think.

Some days I feel we will be divorced soon.

Every day he tells me that he wants to kill himself.

I haven't been able to blog. I have a Facebook account and every once in a while post statuses. Other than that, the creative juice isn't flowing and so I am silent.

I was out of work for eight weeks. I am behind in my mortgage and car payment.

My best friend from high school tried to kill herself. She has four children and I helped out with them while she was in the hospital. She just got out today. She is going to the beach with us. I hope that it will help her.

I am a fat cow. I have gained more weight and now weigh 250. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. He says that it has changed the sexual experience. Don't get me wrong...I realize I am ugly and fat. I wouldn't want to have sex with myself....but it still hurts my feelings and I still get horny and frustrated and feel even more ugly.

Enough of that....

I am trying to go forward in my life. I am trying to appreciate everything and have gratitude. I am trying to make my marriage work. I am trying to help my daughter navigate the murky waters of her late teenage years. I am trying to try.

Looking, Looking

Every day is spent looking for a job. Nothing has happened, yet. I've been out of work for two weeks.

Tonight I am drinking wine again.

Don't know what to say. I need to blog because it does help. Forcing myself to blog tonight though I just don't know what to say.

I have been trying hard to not let the depression rear it's diabolical head again.These past two days it's been difficult. I don't want to get out of bed, but am forcing myself to.

I am trying to find a reason to continue in life.

I don't know what else to say.

Effin' Hell

Too much going on. I hate my laptop. It's so slow and I rarely get on it anymore. I need to start using it a lot more now because school has started back. I really need a new laptop. This one is quite old, no space left and as slow as frozen molasses. Since I can get on the internet with my cellphone I use it all of the time. All of my blogs are bookmarked on the phone and am keeping up that way, though the keyboard is horribly tiny and there are issues posting comments on other's blogs. I also use Facebook constantly, though I never thought I would. I now understand why it's called "Crackbook".

My new job is going well still. I love working there. I've had a few depressive episodes since the last one blogged about, but was able to go in and haven't missed any work since then. I am very thankful for this. I'm going to Georgia in two weeks for work and will be gone for three days. In May I'll be in Pennsylvania for work for four days. I can't wait. With the way things are going at the house, it will be nice to have a break.

I can't even blog about it much right now because there has been so much madness going on at home I feel as if I'm in a psycho ward from Hell. To make a very long story short, we recently found out that my 16 year old daughter snuck out at 2:00am a few weekends back to meet a boy while she was staying at her Dad's house. She went beyond kissing, though I don't think she had sex, but then again with all of the lies she has recently been caught in, I'm not so sure.

I am freaking out about it. This behavior is not normal for my daughter at all. My husband is absolutely freaking out about it. Let's not forget that he is from Morocco and with the way he grew up in his culture, and with the way his father was to live with, this incident has actually stirred up some childhood demons for my husband that he has never gotten over. This past Friday night I was driving him to two psychiatric hospitals and both couldn't take him because they didn't have time to evaluate him. We ended up driving back home and it's been Hell ever since. He has cried, screamed, raged, slept, and everything in between. He never cries, yet he's cried three times since Friday. He has said that he wants to kill himself, cut himself, leave, divorce, get the hell out of here, etc, etc.

My daughter is walking around with an attitude most of the time, yet other times she's sweet. I don't know who she is anymore. I do know that she is not just boy crazy, but obsessed and I don't know what I've done wrong as a parent for this and the other things we found out to happen.

I'll blog more about this later if I can. I need to write it out to perserve for memory's sake, but right now it's just too upsetting and is a problem too much in the forefront of my life that frankly, I'm tired of thinking about.

Climbing Out of the Hole

Once again I am feeling better. Monday and Tuesday were terrible. Yesterday I could finally write a little bit to express how I feel. This morning was difficult but it's getting better.

And the cycle continues.

I haven't been on my laptop in ages. I've been using my mobile phone for everything. The only thing I don't like about it is having issues when wanting to leave blog comments. It drives me nuts.

I need a new laptop. The one I have is old and slow and driving me nuts as well.

I'm still working out at the gym (except for Monday and Tuesday this past week), eating right, taking supplements, etc. I really am trying to change my life. I even get to bed by 10:00pm most nights. Last night it was 9:30pm. Before I stayed up way late and so I'm trying to get more sleep to see if it helps the depression.

I'm still taking Prozac. I'm thinking it may need to be upped a bit and will be discussing it with my doctor.

I think this is the most boring post ever so I'll end it here.

It Never Ends

Here I am again writing about depression. Its vicious grip is back with its scaly hands bound around my throat. It's hanging on for dear life while I'm hanging on for dear death.

I went to get lunch today and stared around the restaurant curious how many people there wanted to die at that moment. Am I the only one thinking about death? Am I the only one wanting to be gone?

Suicide is on my brain once again. When will it end?

Tuesday night a guy I graduated high school with was killed in an automobile accident. Why do I wish it were me?

Needing a Revolutionary Life

Didn't go to work today. Woke up this morning worse than yesterday. Dizzy, hacking and coughing and feel very weak. It would have been better if I didn't go to work yesterday at all and just rested for one more day because last night after getting home from work I felt worse than I had two days previously. So, I called into work and let them know. Not sure what they are thinking. It's obvious to them that I am sick because even yesterday my new manager told me that I should go home because I could hardly talk without coughing. I hope she understood when I called in this morning and doesn't think anything bad about me.

Once again, here I am starting a job and getting sick as a dog. Thank goodness it's not depression this time, but being sick like this hasn't been cake either. I don't remember feeling so bad physically for a long time.

I took an Ambien tonight with a glass of wine so that I will be able to sleep well in order to get up early and get my butt to work.

One annoying thing going on as well is that I have my monthly and I shouldn't have it. I am taking birth control pills named "Ceasonal" and basically you take them for three months straight so you won't have your period. With my period terrors I really wanted to try this to see if it would help. The weirdest thing is that I'm now in week 8 and I started my period! At first it was just a little and I had no pain or emotional issues. Then today the pain is arching down my stomach past my knees like lightning bolts. I then started wondering if it is affecting me mentally without me realizing it. Maybe that is why I thought about downing the bottle of Ambien yesterday for no reason. I have no clue.

Right now I'm just in pain and there is quite a bit of period going on when there should be NONE...NADA..ZILCH. So, I am a little confused with these meds. If anyone has taken Ceasonal, please let me know what your experiences with it have been. I thank you in advance.

While sick I've been reading the book called "Revolutionary Road". Great read, but it really makes me think a lot about my own life and how I need a change. I need to just sell everything and move to Scotland. That was the only place I felt at home. Maybe I will do that as soon as my daughter graduates. Or maybe before then. Who knows...I just need to change things in my life. It will help me mentally, that's for sure.

Eternal Sunshine

I continue to feel better mentally. It has to be attributed to the Prozac that was newly prescribed. I have always had a low-level depression biting my heels even on "good days", but I don't even have that now. Not only that, I am actually sleeping well with no assistance from Ambien. I am getting tired around 10:00pm, go to sleep, sleep through the night and wake up at a good time. It is amazing to me that this is occurring when remembering how not long ago I would go night after night with no sleep.

Could all of this be the Prozac? Does it really give "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? (love that movie, by the way)

The Rollercoaster of My Existence

This morning I woke up and felt better than I have in weeks. I finally got some sleep last night when getting home after having my hair colored (I also added a few highlights as well and it looks great). This morning I popped out of bed, had a shower, got ready, even put on eye shadow (during my bad days I only wear eyeliner and a little mascara), sprayed one of my favorite perfumes, visited the kitchen and made breakfast and lunch to take to work and here I am. I felt very happy while scurrying around the house with my soul feeling more light and free. While driving into work I realized how good I felt compared to the last few weeks and though I am grateful for feeling better, I also realize how up and down I have been for the last three years of my life. Thinking about it can make me feel crazier, if that's possible.

I called my Mom and told her that I feel much better and also commented on how tired I am of riding this rollercoaster. I can feel down for weeks and then feel much better, get excited about it only to crash again. Since I started adding Prozac to my daily RX regimen, I am curious if it's the Prozac helping me to feel better, or do I feel better on my own, or what. I finally decided to not question why and just enjoy how I feel. In order to do this I need to accept the rollercoaster of my existence. That is difficult to do.

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Do I dare hope to be cured of depression? Will there be a day when the depression is manageable once again? Will this rollercoaster ride ever end?

Second Job Interview Complete

Just got back from the second interview and am now back in the office of Hell. While sitting in the interview this morning it felt entirely refreshing to see a company who actually cares about quality, cares about their employees, and wants to do things right the first time. Not only that, the people there are highly intelligent. I enjoy working for highly intelligent people because you can always learn something from them. For the last two years I felt like I've worked with do-do brains. I am not badmouthing anyone, but a lot of people here just don't make sense.

I haven't even blogged about my experiences at work because I never saw a point in it. It just fed my depression. Not that I don't feed my depression enough with all of these depressing posts, but at least I'm trying to be cathartic about it when blogging. I can't be very cathartic about it when talking about my present job because there's not much to be changed about it other than the job itself.

There are six people at the place I interviewed at today who I used to work with years ago. One of them I worked with six years ago at one company while the other five I worked with 13 years ago at another company. I love all of them. I enjoyed working with all of them. It's wonderful to be with them and I realized yesterday why. These people think that I do great work. They worked with me for years in the past and know what I am capable of. They knew me before the claws of depression sinked it's claws firmly into the middle of my soul. Don't get me wrong. I've always had depression, even as a child. It's just that I was able to mask it very well in the past and could always manage it. If these people knew that I had depression they would be shocked. They think that I am positive, outgoing, nurturing (the 5-person group that knew me used to call me a "mother hen"), and can get any job done before the deadline. They don't know the "sick Catherine". They don't know me as the girl who is constantly having terrible depressive episodes, horrible PMS and who gets some type of mental or physical illness all of the time. They know me as the "healthy Catherine" and what a refreshing way to be known once again!

I am worried that if I do get the job my depression will still be bad and it will affect my performance and attendance. I don't want to let these people down. I don't want to let myself down. I am hoping that if I do get the job and if the job is what I think it is, I will finally enjoy what I do and that will make a huge difference in my mental and emotional state.

The interview went very well, I didn't stumble in answering any questions, and actually, it was....fun. Very odd, really because I didn't expect it to be. I really enjoyed myself and it was great meeting the two people I interviewed with today. Now I am more excited about getting the job than I was before. That can be a bad thing because the more excited you are, the further you can fall if it doesn't pan out. I am concerned about the pay. They  haven't said anything about it just yet and I don't expect them to. If they are interested in me someone in HR will contact me and then we'll go through that discussion. I have no idea what they are expecting to pay and if what I make is comparable to it. In my last job interview a few months ago they wouldn't pay what I currently make by a lot and I couldn't take the job. I hope this doesn't occur again.

The last thing they said at the interview while I shook their hand was, "We'll be in contact very soon". Is that a good thing? What do you think?

Prozac and Interview Outfits (Sunshine Would be Better)

I have had a headache all day and wonder if it could be a side effect of the Prozac I've started taking. If you've taken Prozac in the past, have you experienced this? It's not just a headache, but also I have this clinching, or tight sensation in my jaw. Very strange and hopefully it will go away soon.

I'm at work today and have been trying to work all morning. It's been quite difficult due to this headache and my mind is all over the place. Focusing is an Olympic challenge and so far I'm not scoring any gold medals. My job is highly technical and my brain is highly inept at the moment.

Last night after work I went shopping and purchased something to wear for the interview tomorrow. I only have one business suit that I wear to interviews, or I'll scrounge it out of the closet when running out of clean clothes. It's funny because in the past people would ask if I was going to the interview when I wore it to the office. I would always laugh and say, "No, I've ran out of clean clothes and pulled it out". I thought I would get the same Tuesday but no one asked this time. I was happy they didn't because I have an "open book" face and even if I said "No" they may have perceived differently.

When discovering that I need to go back for another interview tomorrow I freaked out because my other work clothes are business casual and aren't great enough for an interview with a VP. I thought about wearing the same suit with a different shirt but worry that the first lady I interviewed with would notice. So, last night I went looking and found something very nice to wear that I can also wear again in the office no matter where I work. Friday is "Jeans Day" at work and am sure people will wonder why I'm not in jeans, but I'm not too worried.

A few posts ago (and I can't find it right now because I'm actually e-mailing this post versus writing it in Blogger), I mentioned how my supervisor wasn't very happy about me losing time from work. Basically, the conversation ended when I said that we could stop having lunch for awhile since people were talking that she may be exhibiting favoritism towards me and she sounded relieved and said that she thought it would be for the best. Today she asked if I wanted to go eat lunch together tomorrow. I told her that I couldn't but would next week. I didn't tell her that I have an interview at 11:00am tomorrow. She has no idea that I've been interviewing. I've not told anyone but you and my husband. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone until I get the job. If I don't get it, no one will be the wiser.

She seemed a bit miffed that I wouldn't go to lunch with her tomorrow and I could tell that she was curious why I wasn't, but oh well. This all feels so elementary and childish. I can't wait to get the hell out of this work environment. I absolutely hate what I do and have to say I'm quite sad about how things happened with her. Don't get me wrong, it's a job here and if I'm not at work and you need to fire me because I'm sick and can't be there, go ahead. I get it. But, don't start acting all weird and not be able to separate the personal and professional relationship. Don't chide me and say that it might be best not to go to lunch together for a while and five days later ask if I want to go.

With my mind swirling around like the butterflies in my stomach, I hope like hell I can do well in this interview. I hope I won't be like a deer in headlights when asked a question and I stumble around mumbling. I found out last night from a friend who works there that the VP I'm interviewing with went around to all of the people who I used to work with in the past who work there now (about six people) asking them all about me. The guy sure is putting a lot of time into learning more about me, especially considering he is a VP and his time is much more valuable than that.

I am nervous, nervous, nervous. I will get through it. At least I'll look nice if I fumble. Maybe he'll look at my outstanding new outfit and forgive me if I do.