I am so sad

I miss my daughter so much. She went to the prom tonight. She is so beautiful. She has no clue how hurt I am and doesn't need to at this point. She cannot fathom the pain. She is so much into her social life and friends, which is quite typical for her age, but she's gone now and there is nothing I can do.

I am out of the looney bin and have been back to work for about three weeks. So far I've lost a total of 72 pounds since last year and work out at the gym almost daily. I've gone from a size 24 in clothes and am now in between a 14 and 16. 16 is a tad large while I can put on 14 but it's a tad tight. Not a bad predicament to be in.

My Hell is the fact that I've experienced empty nest at a rate of zero to 160. It has been a year and 11 days since she moved out. I am doing better yet at times almost fall apart like now. I didn't experience her senior year with her, go shopping for prom dresses with her and won't see her walk across the stage to get her diploma at graduation. She is leaving for England with her dad in a week and won't be attending graduation.

My counselor said I am grieving. It's strange to think that because she's still alive. The other night I saw a picture of her and realized I have a daughter and was shocked. She looked so foreign to me. That is when I discovered how I have been compartmentalizing my feelings in order to just survive. At times I am OK, sometimes I am actually good and other times I fall to pieces and cannot regulate the emotions.

I miss her. I am angry and resentful with her. I feel I miserably failed as a mother. I deeply love her.

She's Really Gone

I can hardly see the monitor through crying. I've been crying for the past hour and can't seem to stop.

My daughter is gone...she is GONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I was a mother who had a child to take care of every day and now she doesn't live here anymore. How do you stop cold turkey like this? I can't believe she left the way she did. We have always been so very close. She followed me everywhere around the house like a duck. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her barging in. When she barged into the bathroom she would have a huge smile on her face and say, "Yep, I'm here following you!", I would pick on her saying, "OMG, I can't even go to the bathroom!" and then she would plop down on the tub and chat about the world.

No one barges in on me anymore. It is quiet now and I never asked for that.

There is no patter of feet echoing after me in the house. The house is like a morgue. No music, no TV blaring, no lights to cut off, no mess to clean up.

This part of my life is over. It is over before it was supposed to finish. I'M NOT FUCKING DONE YET!!! I AM NOT FINISHED RAISING MY DAUGHTER, DAMN IT ALL!

I sound like she's dead. She's not. She lives with her father now. She feels like she's dead though. It hurts so much.

She didn't leave like some teens do saying "eff you, I'm outta here!". No...she made SO MUCH FUCKING DAMAGE that I don't even know what to do, where to turn or how to act. I don't even know how I can be a grandmother one day and have her children visit me. I don't know what the future holds.

All I do know is that it wasn't supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to be with me until she finished high school and then go to college. I was supposed to cry as she left for university and help her move to that next place. I was supposed to talk with her on the phone and ask how college was doing and start forging a life without her as I should because she went to the next step.

She took away my last school year of raising her. As a parent, don't you dream about your child's senior year? In a way, you feel that you accomplished something because you helped them get there. She took that away from me. Now her father can raise her the last year of school acting like the cool-ass dad letting her do whatever she fucking well pleases, whether it's good for her or not. He can now make up for all of those years that he didn't have much to do with her by letting her get her nose pierced, get gauges in her ears, tattoos, go out with "friends" that will most definitely steer her the wrong way and get addicted to drugs/alcohol and get pregnant all at the same time. Yeah, he's such a COOL FUCKING DAD!

If she wants to get gauges in her ears and tattoos/piercings everywhere, so be it. I just wanted her to get to the age of 18 before she decided to do it. Right now she wants these things because her friends have it. She doesn't want it for herself. She just wants to be a sheep and look like everyone else. I would talk with her a lot and tell her to do things for herself. If she wants her whatever body part pierced, it's her prerogative but ONLY if she wanted to do it for herself and not because Jane down the street has one. Am I so bad to say that? I just wasn't cool enough wanting her to be independent and doing things for herself.

I remember wanting a tattoo badly as a teen and also wanting my eyebrow pierced. My mother completely forbid it and I just KNEW I would do it once I got out on my own. Guess what happened? When I got out on my own, I thought about doing it and didn't. Why? Because I just wasn't in the same phase. It wasn't as important to me as it was when I was younger. She may feel the same way. The problem is she'll have a hole in her nose and ears that she'll be able to fit a DVD into if she wants.

I saw her Saturday. We went to lunch. I took her to work afterwards and watched her walk inside as I sat in my car. It hit me so powerfully that....she's gone. She's really gone. This phase of my life is over and I don't know how to let go.

Everything is Falling Apart

So much has happened. I haven't posted here in forever because frankly I felt tired of complaining. I feel that complaining is all I do here and I wanted to end the cycle. Because I was tired of complaining, I didn't know what to write about anymore. There was no urge to write.

The urge to write isn't back. It's just I had to voice something. I am completely devastated. My daughter is now living with her father. She moved out two weeks ago. I still cannot believe it.

Every day is an effort to continue. Every day something happens in a negative way and I have gotten numb to it. I want to stop this cycle of negativity. I want to stop the tragedies. I want to stop the bad news. I want to stop the depression and loneliness. I want to stop the blame and the shame and the anger and the confusion. I want to stop everything. I want to stop my life.

I'm surprised I'm not dead or in a hospital.

At an Impasse

I bought another pack of cigarettes even though I threw away the other pack I had last week. I've had a few of them and am sick of smoking them. I hate the smell of them, hate the way I smell after smoking them and while smoking them wonder what the hell I'm doing. I just had a cigarette at lunch and am back at my desk wanting to throw the pack away. Why do I keep doing this? I guess it boils down to cravings and felt I had to have a cigarette and bought a pack. I just realized while typing this. I lack discipline. This is why it's good to blog. You sometimes realize things about yourself while seeing it typed out or visitors to your blog realize it for you.

I wasn't hungry today at all and got lunch anyway. I had a salad because I thought I would probably get hungry by the afternoon and then would be stuck. I should have not eaten a darn thing. Now I am so full I feel sick and once again realize that I lack discipline.

I am getting bigger and bigger and bigger. My clothes are restricting while I refuse to buy larger ones. I look like a whale shark. I feel like a stuffed pig. Just give me an apple to stick in my mouth and call it a day. It will suit my physique just perfectly.

Two days ago I mowed the front and back yard. My muscles are still complaining from it. This morning I could hardly get out of bed and walk because my muscles were screaming with pain. That is how out of shape I am....I can't even cut the grass.

My knees hurt while walking and I get out of breath. I am getting hot all of the time because of the stores of fat all over my body. I feel like I breathe heavily while sitting because my lungs don't have enough room to expand with all the fat cells squashing them down. Even my eyelids are fat.

While typing this I got a granola bar out and am munching it. I'm full! I don't need it! But yet I do. The more I talk about my weight the more I want to eat. I just want to eat until I'm so full I pop and this shit is finally over.

It's funny really because I normally don't eat a lot at all. I'm not one of those comfort food eaters. I don't eat candies, chips or cookies. I don't eat granola bars. It's just lately I am so focused on my weight that I feel like an alien to myself and for some reason want to eat. It reminds me of my days of bulimia. When I was a teenager I would eat loads of food and vomit it up so that I could eat more. I would eat 10 bowls of cereal, throw up and eat 10 more, throw up, eat 10 more, etc. until all of the cereal in the house would be gone. I was skinny then. The only difference now is that I'm not making myself throw up. I want to, but I don't let myself get into the cycle because it was so difficult to stop before. Yet, I am sorta in that cycle, really.

I am going to weigh myself. It's been a while. There are scales in the building. Be right back....

I am back, huffing, puffing and wheezing because I actually walked. Went to the scales and found that I'm 253.2 pounds, which is 114.9 kilos or 18.09 stone for the Brits out there. The scales are located beside the vending machines and I stopped and purchased some peanut M&M's and a peanut butter Moon Pie. I never eat that shit, but today I will. Why not? I thought I was 260, and I'm actually seven pounds less than that, so by all means I need to eat! Even though I feel like I could vomit, I'm going to pack this shit in anyway.

Wow, while typing I'm getting really angry. Curious. I usually don't get angry. I am the depressed, emo type who just cries. Not now...I could smack the shit out of something at the moment.

You know, at least it's food I guess. If I was a drug user, I think tonight you would find me a lot like DJ AM who just died with 8 OxyContin not even all the way dissolved in his stomach, the ninth one still in his mouth, not even swallowed, laying on a bag of weed with a crack pipe beside him. At least he was skinny. Maybe I need to switch to drugs. What would my drug of choice be? I hate feeling out of control of my body, so which one would it be...hmmmm....

This peanut butter Moon Pie tastes like shit, but I'm going to eat it anyway. I should wash it down with a Mountain Dew or milkshake if I had one.

OK, just finished the Moon Pie and on to the M&M's! I'm not a big chocolate eater. I like dark chocolate, but don't eat a lot of it. M&M's I only eat them if going to the movies.

What the fuck am I doing?

Now the wimp is coming back and I want to cry. I'm no longer angry. I am lost. I don't know who I am. I am barely chewing the M&M's...just swallowing them to get it over with. I want to go to bed. I don't want to go to bed. I want to die. I don't want to die. I want to be a thousand pounds and not be able to get out of my house without a forklift breaking down a wall and getting me. I want to be skinny.

I want and want and want and want while increasingly becoming more empty inside. Nothing can fill this emotional chasm.

Drunk as Shit

I haven't logged into Blogger for so long it took three times. I am typing like a maniac and continue to make typos. You have no idea how many times I've used the "Backspace" key.

I lost my frickin' job.

It wasn't because I was sick.

It wasn't because I missed a lot of time from work.

If any employer should have fired me from missing work because of depression it should have been my last job.

Not this one.

I was traveling!

Going to Southwest Georgia and Pennsylvania....flying...having a great time!

I loved, LOVED my job.

I worked with people who appreciated me and who I worked with 13 years ago.

I am drunk while typing this.

The "Backspace" key is my friend. I used it while typing this sentence.

I lost my job. I am a loser. I am drunk. I am nothing.

I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't know what to say. Just trying to work and attend school. I didn't want to concentrate on the fucking fact that I have depression. I didn't want to be reminded of it. So, I didn't blog. I didn't type shit about it. I wanted to forget. I was scared I would have another depressive episode and find myself losing time from work. I haven't lost time from work, but I was fired anyway. I was a contractor. They told me not to come back.

I am without a job. I am out of medical insurance already. I have no dental or eye insurance. I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I am like my bioligical father who can't keep a damn job.

I am the breadwinner. I may lose my house.

It's funny because I had finally, FINALLY caught up with my bills other than credit cards. I had finally gotten caught up with everything! And then BAM, no job. It's over. The fat lady has sang.

I have been out of job for two weeks now. I shoot resumes like a machine gun. NOTHING. No jobs...nothing.

I drank a lot of wine tonight hoping to forget. I feel better physically with this wine swirling in my system. Not so much anxiety wracking my body. But I don't forget the fact that I am a loser. I don't forget that. I think I need bottles of Ambien to forget that.

I have missed all of you. I read your blogs secretly via my cell phone. The same cell phone that I will probably lose over time when I can't pay the damn bill because I am out of ajob.

I am nothing.

I am tired of this shit.

I loved that job. I loved everything abougt it.

I was finally happy.

I am now devastated.

Effin' Hell

Too much going on. I hate my laptop. It's so slow and I rarely get on it anymore. I need to start using it a lot more now because school has started back. I really need a new laptop. This one is quite old, no space left and as slow as frozen molasses. Since I can get on the internet with my cellphone I use it all of the time. All of my blogs are bookmarked on the phone and am keeping up that way, though the keyboard is horribly tiny and there are issues posting comments on other's blogs. I also use Facebook constantly, though I never thought I would. I now understand why it's called "Crackbook".

My new job is going well still. I love working there. I've had a few depressive episodes since the last one blogged about, but was able to go in and haven't missed any work since then. I am very thankful for this. I'm going to Georgia in two weeks for work and will be gone for three days. In May I'll be in Pennsylvania for work for four days. I can't wait. With the way things are going at the house, it will be nice to have a break.

I can't even blog about it much right now because there has been so much madness going on at home I feel as if I'm in a psycho ward from Hell. To make a very long story short, we recently found out that my 16 year old daughter snuck out at 2:00am a few weekends back to meet a boy while she was staying at her Dad's house. She went beyond kissing, though I don't think she had sex, but then again with all of the lies she has recently been caught in, I'm not so sure.

I am freaking out about it. This behavior is not normal for my daughter at all. My husband is absolutely freaking out about it. Let's not forget that he is from Morocco and with the way he grew up in his culture, and with the way his father was to live with, this incident has actually stirred up some childhood demons for my husband that he has never gotten over. This past Friday night I was driving him to two psychiatric hospitals and both couldn't take him because they didn't have time to evaluate him. We ended up driving back home and it's been Hell ever since. He has cried, screamed, raged, slept, and everything in between. He never cries, yet he's cried three times since Friday. He has said that he wants to kill himself, cut himself, leave, divorce, get the hell out of here, etc, etc.

My daughter is walking around with an attitude most of the time, yet other times she's sweet. I don't know who she is anymore. I do know that she is not just boy crazy, but obsessed and I don't know what I've done wrong as a parent for this and the other things we found out to happen.

I'll blog more about this later if I can. I need to write it out to perserve for memory's sake, but right now it's just too upsetting and is a problem too much in the forefront of my life that frankly, I'm tired of thinking about.

Spoiled Rotten

It is abnormally cold this morning. I let my cat out before going to work and she immediately wanted to get back inside of the house. I shooed her back out, got my things together and jumped in the car to go to work. My car showed it was 20 degrees Fahrenheit (-6.6 degrees Celsius), which stopped me in my tracks. I stopped the car and went back inside to let the cat back in the house. No wonder she wanted to get back in! It is freezing! I then went to my daughter to see if she wanted me to give her a ride to the bus stop since it is so cold and what do I find her wearing? A thin top layered on top of another thin top with her pajama bottoms and flip flops. Let's not forget to mention she was painting her toes black as I walked in her room. Right now in our area teenagers are wearing pajama bottoms to school. The pajama bottoms are the long wooly-type pants. My daughter has never done this before, but I just bought her a new set of pj's and now she's wearing them to school.

My first reaction was to tell her to change clothes. I then decided to approach it from a different angle and told her that it is 20 degrees outside and she's going to freeze. That didn't perturb her one bit. She said that it would be no problem and she would be OK. I then wanted to tell her to change clothes and then she said that just in case she had a pair of jeans in her bag to take to school. My mind then went to war going back and forth between should I tell her to change clothes or not and then I realized, her body isn't hanging out, everything is covered appropriately, I may not want her to wear pajama bottoms to school, but all the kids are doing it and if this is the one fashion she wants to copy from the other teens, it's not a bad one. So, I bit my tongue and asked her if she wanted a ride. I have to admit that since the pajama bottoms are cute, she did look quite stylish. It will be fun when she gets older and I can pick on her about this and tell her children when they complain to me that their Mom won't let them wear what they want. In fact, I'm going to take a picture of her when I get home for evidence in future years.

I rode the elevator after getting to work with a lady who is a cleaner in my office. She is a young girl and we talked about how cold it is outside. She told me that she literally ran to work because it was so cold. I asked if she liked running and she said that she didn't have a choice because she doesn't have a car. Hearing this just stopped me in my tracks. I live in an area where there are no public modes of transportation and you really need a car to get around, which is why I thought she enjoyed running because I couldn't imagine she would walk to work. People just don't do that here. As I walked to my desk I realized how lucky I am and how grateful I should be.

Here I am with a thick coat, perfumed neck, nails done, nice purse, walking to my desk because I have a job. I drove to work in a car that not only displayed the temperature outside, but heated my butt as I drove because it has seat warmers. I left a house that is warm enough that my cat wanted to get back inside, with beautiful mosaic floors my husband made and a bedroom that my husband worked on that was considered beautiful enough to be in a magazine. My house has a pool, two sweet dogs, three bedrooms and two baths. There is even one bedroom we don't use because we don't need it. My husband has a studio that is 800 square feet and is part of the house that he can work in at his leisure. Thinking about all of this really made me realize something (and please excuse my language):

I need to shut the fuck up and quit whining about whether I get this job or not and whether it's 8K less or not.

I just need to be quiet.

I am damn lucky in my life.

Why does it take seeing a girl who has a more difficult life to snap myself out of this negativity concerning this job? I have been whining like a broken record and I need to just STOP IT. I recently heard that 100,000 jobs were lost just this past week in the US. Two million have been cut since January. Yesterday I also heard that they are going to be laying off people here at work. In fact, most of the contractors will be gone by April or May. That means in this small area a lot of people will be looking for work and the local market will be congested with people looking for a job. At least, AT LEAST I have something in the works. AT LEAST there is a company that wants me to work for them and we only have to go through this legality of my contract company. AT LEAST this company has experienced no negative effects from this upside-down economy and if anything, gave their employees a bonus of 5K or more just a few weeks ago! That is unheard of in these times!

So I just need to shut up! I am SPOILED AS SHIT! What a whiner I am! I do apologize. I'm glad I came to my senses. It is about damn time.

OMG, I Can't Stand This!

I am at work today. Thank God. It was very difficult to get in today. I am very tired and very down. I hate for people to see me like this. I am trying my best to look "OK" around people. It's difficult to so smile and put on the "the face" when you feel like this. I really hate acting. I barely have the energy to act like everything is fine.

I have to write test definitions based on business rules for the new system we are creating. All I can say is OMG...I have no concentration for this today. The bad thing is that everything is on a stopwatch. Every minute is tracked down to the second. When you lack concentration like I do today you become scared that you will burn hours.

I have a huge headache as well.

Wow, I'm certainly complaining. I just realized that. I apologize.

It's just so difficult to be here.

Yesterday morning I woke up and the first thought that went through my head was "Don't wake up, don't wake up, go back to sleep". I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 2:00pm. I couldn't do that today.

This morning while driving I saw a car hit me, a train hit me and a truck hit me. Of course it was all in my mind. The scary thing is that I wasn't consciously thinking that I wanted to get hit. It was like the thought would go through my mind unwarranted, I would see it happen in my mind, and then I would think about what I just saw. I would then think, "Too bad it didn't happen".

I'm back on my meds. Thank you everyone for your kind comments on the last post. Ya'll help me more than you know.

I hope the meds kick in soon. Maybe that is the big problem right now. We shall see.

Tonight I have the statistics mid-term. With the way I feel, this should be a doozy.

Once Again

No Christmas tree. I went home last night thinking that it would be set up and we could decorate it. The tree wasn't set up. It was still boxed away in the shed. The problem is that by the time I got home it was dark outside (it gets dark here around 5:30pm) and the shed doesn't have a light. I searched everywhere for a flashlight and of course I found two but both didn't work and of course I couldn't find any batteries.

I went outside anyway, unlocked the shed and finally located it behind a bunch of boxes. It was in a corner with extension cords piled on top of it and boxes all around it. I tried to pull it out anyway; however, it was so very heavy and there was no way I could do it on my own. Boxes need to be moved from around it in order to pull it out easier but since there are no lights in the shed and things are everywhere, I couldn't move boxes around blindly. I was peeved, locked the shed and headed inside to take a shower.

After taking a shower I saw the backyard light on and the shed door open. He must have gone out there and I hoped that he would have more luck. Twenty minutes later he came to me and asked if I had brought the tree in. I didn't know why he asked me that question since he was just out there, but I told him that there was no way I could do it by myself. I was hoping that he was able to do it and was asking me that question because the tree was inside the house. I went to the living room and no tree. I still don't know why he even asked me that question.

He made dinner. It was very good. I ate by myself in the bedroom. He watched TV and my daughter talked with a boy that she currently likes while eating. Not much of a family dinner, but it was better than having to sit around a table glowering at him and trying to act like everything was OK.

I was quite sad because he knows how important this is to me and I think he just doesn't want to do it. I think this is some type of passive/aggressive game he is playing. I could be completely incorrect. It's just how I feel. Now the whole mood of excitement I had doing this together as a family is gone. I'm just sad now.
Tonight I have an appointment and there is no way I'll be able to get the tree out of the shed and put up tonight.

I think tomorrow I will get to work early so that I can leave early and hopefully get home before it gets dark. I'll then drag it out of the shed, put it up and then my daughgter and I can decorate it. I am going to do my best to get my mood back and enjoy it with my daughter.

It's just that I had this vision of all of us doing it together as a family. Am I being too ideal? Do I have a right to be upset? See, I have realized that over time I question myself constantly when it comes to him and blame myself a lot. It erodes my self-confidence and I am just so tired of it all. Maybe it is my fault. I'm not really sure. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't know.

This morning he drove me to work because he doesn't have his car back from my Dad. My Dad fixed an oil leak for him while he was gone. We didn't speak to each other the whole way. When we got there I thanked him for driving me and asked if he would pick me up at 4:30pm today for the appointment. He said yes. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and got out of the car. I really don't know what else to do. Would you have done that?

I'm glad to have the appointment tonight. At least nothing upsetting will be said or done during that time.

It's Time to Fess Up

There is something I need to talk about. I never talk about this and I feel I must. I need to track it. So, I'm going to put a label for this post entitled "Sleeping" to find it easily.



This blog is for me. I realize that; however, I find myself not wanting to talk about everything Why? I really have no clue. It's like I have to keep up some type of persona even for myself. It truly is ridiculous and not helpful at all.



So...I need to fess up. It's time.



I've been severely depressed. To the point that I have been in bed sleeping for more than 18 hours at a time. It started like this: My daughter was sick Monday with a stomach virus. I stayed home with her. Tuesday she went back to school but needed to come home very early because she was still sick. I stayed home with her. I fretted the entire time about the money I wasn't earning while being home. I felt too guilty to leave her by herself while she was sick. I felt guilty for even worrying about money while she was sick.



I felt stuck. My husband is in Morocco. No one else was home to be with her. I needed to stay home. I wanted to stay home because I wanted to take care of her. It's just the factor of money that made anxiety flare like a bonfire.



Another reason why I fretted is because next week is Thanksgiving. We are off work next Thursday and Friday for the holiday. I don't get paid for holidays, therefore no money will be earned. Not getting paid for Monday and Tuesday along with next Thursday and Friday equals almost a week of work I won't get paid for.



That severely impedes my financial situation. Christmas is coming up soon as well. I won't get paid for two days during Christmas that the company takes off and also New Years Day. So, in a two-month time span I won't get paid for seven business days.



It gets worse though. I sabotaged myself...A LOT.



To make matters worse, I became so depressed by Wednesday I was in bed. I couldn't get up. My daughter went back to school. I slept. Thursday she felt bad again and stayed home. I was actually relieved because that was an excuse to stay home. Today she went back to school and I was in bed. So now it means I won't get paid for ten business days in a two-month span.



I have slept so much and I am so tired. My daughter is at my parents house for the weekend and I am alone which is best.



I just want to die. I don't want to wake up.



Don't worry - I'm not going to do myself in. I mean...sure, I think about it. I think everyone does at some point in their life. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm not. Because if I am it means I'm more abnormal than I would like to think.



I haven't eaten except for two slices of French bread with some hummus. I have had maybe one cup of water a day.



I'm not hungry.



I finally ate tonight. I can't eat much. My stomach got filled up very quickly.



Yesterday my daughter climbed in bed with me. We talked. She is more aware than I would ever think or want to realize. See, I told her that I had the virus that she had. I thought she believed me. I think she does to some degree, but somehow the conversation turned to depression. She told me that she had never seen someone with depression so badly. See, she has anger issues at times. She told me that she was happy she had anger issues like her father compared to depression issues like me. She said that at least with anger it would go away after a while. She said depression doesn't go away. She said it may get better, but it comes back.



It does come back.



I feel so inconsistent.



I can't depend on myself.



I feel like a horrible mother.



I don't want her to remember this.



I don't want her to remember how I laid in the bed sleeping for 18+ hours.



It reminds me of my Mom. She did this (and still does). I am repeating the cycle. It must end.



This has happened so many times before in the past two years. And my financial situation just gets worse. I am slowly dying.



Sometimes I think it would be so much better if I weren't here. My daughter wouldn't have to watch. She would be better off. I try so hard to be a great mom...a great wife...a great employee...a great student...a great person. And then I sabotage myself and show everyone including myself what a piece of shit I am. Then it makes it so much harder to work because I feel like I have to make up for the depression.



At this point I have so much to make up for that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's too overwhelming.



This week my anger for my husband has been unreal. Since he has been gone I have been able to be away from the drama and the stress. I have been able to be a bit more objective because I'm not in the middle of the mess. I'm not walking on eggshells. It has been a relief. At the same time it has been maddening because I realize more and more what stress I go through with him. Doesn't he realize? Does he comprehend what it's like?



He hasn't been here to shout, scream and be insulting; however, I have been doing that for him in my mind. The inner dialogue in my mind keeps repeating what he has said to me in the past and it makes me more and more angry.



I have been in the pursuit of his happiness for seven years. I have wanted him to live his dream for seven years. I just want him to be happy!!!!!!



Does he want me to be happy?

Agitated....

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone that spent the time to put a comment on my blog. It means more than you all know and I appreciate you.

On another note, I cannot believe how agitated and frustrated I am tonight. I feel like I will just spring out of my body and scream until my throat is raw and bloody. I don't know what my problem is and just the fact that I am agitated makes me more frustrated.

I love my daughter dearly. She is 14 years old and in the ninth grade. Lately she is driving me nuts with her lack of wanting to do anything around the house or anything period. She just wants to do what she wants and doesn't appear to care. She is also going through an arguing stage and even when I tell her to stop arguing she tells me that she isn't! I realize that all of this is completely normal for her age, but it is driving me crazy.

When she started the ninth grade, I wanted her to start disciplining herself more and so I didn't give her a bedtime. I was hoping that she would be able to discipline herself to get the rest that she needed. We had a family talk about it and the condition of not having a bedtime was that she had to get herself up in the morning, ready for school and to the bus on time. She also had to get her responsibilities done in the morning, which was to feed the cats and dog and give them fresh water.

From the very start she didn't do a very good job of it all. It even got to the point that she wasn't doing her responsibilities and was so tired in the morning that she wasn't able to even get up. She would turn her alarm off and go back to sleep. I kept giving her chances and kept discussing with her how she can discipline herself. Nothing worked. So, I had to give her a bedtime of 10:00pm on school nights. I was actually quite disappointed because I really want her to start taking responsibility for herself. She only has four years left and then she starts college.

At times I feel like I am trying to cram everything I think she needs to know and do in these last four years.

With that background, I hope that it is understandable that I was exasperated with her tonight because it was 10:00pm and she had not taken a shower or done the things she was supposed to do and was still watching television at 10:02pm! I asked her what the problem was and she said that she didn't have a problem. I asked her if she realized the time and she said that she did, but wanted to watch television. That really got me. I told her that in the future if she wants to stay up later, instead of blatantly ignoring the rules, to talk with me about it. I said that sometimes I will let her stay up later and sometimes I won't, but that the important thing is to communicate. She said, "OK" and we'll see.

That isn't the only thing frustrating me at this point. My husband is frustrating me because I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and he yells any time he wants to blow off his frustration. It hurts my feelings when he does this. It also makes me angry and resentful because it seems to be not allowed if I am frustrated, but it's fine if he is frustrated. He is also too rough at times and when he's playing he physically hurts me sometimes. Not majorly, but it does hurt. When I tell him to stop sometimes he doesn't and that makes me feel like he completely disrespects me. Sometimes he does stop, but he never apologizes. Sometimes, like tonight, he just gets mad. I asked him to come back and he gave me the finger and walked out of the room. That was 15 minutes ago and now the TV is blaring.

I'm not trying to make him out to be a monster. He isn't. He is actually a very passionate person and cares a lot. Just sometimes it doesn't show and I am just frustrated by the constant drama.

Even if my daughter and husband weren't driving me crazy tonight I would still feel frustrated. It's something inside of me that I can't figure out the source and can't fix.

Wow, I just realized that I used some form of the word “frustrated” eight times. I hope tomorrow is better.