Slimming Down

I feel a bit better today. My mood is a yo-yo flipping around being banged into walls.

I haven't blogged about this yet (just like I haven't blogged about A LOT of things lately) and wanted to put out there that I've lost 26 pounds. Weight is my nemesis (along with depression) and I have finally been able to beat its butt while going on the HCG diet. I'm not a fan of fad diets but had to try this one out after watching a girl in my office melt pounds by the day. I visited hcgdiet.com and ordered the 40-day kit and lost 26 pounds in that amount of time. HCG is a hormone found in pregnant women and I used drops three times a day and the weight dropped off like flies being squirted with insecticide.

I'm now on the maintenance phase of the diet for the next forty days and hope that the pounds don't magically reappear. After being in maintenance for forty days I'll then go back on the HCG drops for another forty days and hopefully after the second maintenance phase I'll finally be at the weight I've wanted for the last few years.

I've gone down from a size 22/24 (whoa, nelly!) to an 18. I feel more physically healthy and not as tired. On the diet I lost 26 pounds but before trying HCG I lost a bit of weight and since July of last year I've lost a total of 41 pounds. Let's hope I keep it off and continue to slim it down.

Now let me go and eat a little chicken salad before attending the next meeting at work. I do have to admit that I am quickly tiring of chicken salad. Why does it have to be so difficult?

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am 38 years old. Having Facebook is nice because I woke up this morning with a load of birthday wishes from a lot of people, which was very sweet. I received a text from my ex-husband with birthday wishes as well. This morning I saw my daughter and husband before leaving for work and neither of them said a word. It's now 10:31am and I still haven't heard from my husband. My daughter called me this morning from school asking if I could bring her blue binder because she forgot it and she never said a word about my birthday. Maybe they have plans for tonight and want to act like they forgot? I'm not sure. If they did forget though, I need to get them both a Facebook account so that it will remind them next year.

This entire week I have been in a depressed funk. Thankfully, today I feel better and am happy at this birthday present from depression. At least it's not tormenting me as badly today.

I apologize to everyone for not posting responses to your comments in my blog. I receive them all via e-mail and wish that Blogger had a way that I could reply to the mail and it would post a response back. My laptop is almost dead. I sit and wait for 15 minutes just to power it up and load Internet Explorer or Firefox. I need a new laptop badly and try hard not to use it. It's really cut down on my Internet time. I do check others blogs on my cellphone, but it's really not the same.

Hopefully, the birthday fairy will bring a new laptop to me tonight. :) I highly doubt it, though!

Eternal Sunshine

I continue to feel better mentally. It has to be attributed to the Prozac that was newly prescribed. I have always had a low-level depression biting my heels even on "good days", but I don't even have that now. Not only that, I am actually sleeping well with no assistance from Ambien. I am getting tired around 10:00pm, go to sleep, sleep through the night and wake up at a good time. It is amazing to me that this is occurring when remembering how not long ago I would go night after night with no sleep.

Could all of this be the Prozac? Does it really give "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? (love that movie, by the way)

High School Friends and Dragged-Out Job Offers

I haven't been online at all this weekend. It was jam-packed with social events and was a lot of fun. Friday night I went to dinner with my husband. Saturday I met my cousin and we shopped for a bit. My daughter went home with her to spend the night at her house. Saturday night I met my two best friends from high school and we went out to dinner. Afterwards we went to a few clubs, danced and had fun. We didn't get home until 4:00am! Sunday morning I got up and met my parents and cousin for lunch. My daughter came back with me afterwards and on the way home I stopped to see my friend from high school while passing through her town. We were both dead tired from the night before and agreed it was definitely worth it. We then went grocery shopping together and afterwards my daughter and I went home. I then took a shower and collapsed in the bed to read for a while and eventually fell asleep.

I haven't visited bars/clubs for years now and it was quite interesting. It seemed to me that all of the young ones there looked 16 years old; all dressed the same with jeans and little tops sporting pancake flat/straight hair. I could totally envision my daughter there one day having fun on the dance floor. Sheesh, I am getting old.

This weekend my daughter and I are going with my cousin to the beach to visit with her sister. We leave after work Friday and will get home Saturday night. It will be wonderful to spend time with my two cousins because they were the sisters I never had while growing up. I haven't spent the night away from home in ages as well and it will be nice to get away.

I'm continuing to feel better. Not sure if it's the Prozac or what, but I'm not complaining. I always have a low-level feeling of depression even on my good days, but lately I haven't even felt that for the first time in my life. I am very grateful to be feeling so much better.

On the job front I'm still not sure if I have the job or not. To make a very long story short, I met with my contract company last Thursday and everything felt quite shady. It was a sad state of affairs because I've been personal friends with the owner of the contract company and her family. I really do believe that her business is not doing as well in this economy and she doesn't want to lose her workers. I think that since she knows the other company wants me and because we have to do a contract with her due to the clause in their contract between each other that she wants to make as much money this time on my contract as she can which is why the pay rate for this job is 8K less. I don't see her budging on this, but I have continued to try. She knows as well that the other company isn't the type to keep contracts open for an extended period of time. They either want you after six months or don't and after the six months are up and if they still want me, they will offer a full-time position and she will lose the money on me. It greatly disappoints me, but it's business and I need to remember that. They are thinking of their bottom line and I don't fit in the equation.

Concerning my credit check, from what I understood late Friday afternoon, the other company still wants me anyway. It looks like I'm going to get the job, but I'm not banking on it until I know my official start date and I give a resignation where I am currently employed. Only then will I feel comfortable enough to feel good to have another job. It's funny because when the owner of my contract company called Friday letting me know that the other company didn't care about my credit and wanted me, she said, "Oh, Catherine, you don't sound excited at all!". I told her, "I am very excited about the opportunity but the journey to get there was a long one. All of this talk about my credit and will or will they not hire because of it was quite exhausting". What I didn't add is that my contract company did not find this job for me. In fact, they didn't have to do anything to help me with this job. I found the job because of my friend telling me who works there. I went to two interviews, filled out paperwork, did everything, and they wanted me full-time. Only because of the clause my contract company has with the company is the reason my contract company got involved in the first place. If anything, knowing that my current contract comes up March 31, you would think they would pay a bit more since they didn't put one ounce of work finding this new opportunity, but we both know they won't. My contract company is now acting like they did everything for me to have this new job and I'm not jumping up and down excited about it. Thinking about it all makes me shake my head in disgust.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and support. I'm continuing to send my blog posts via e-mail since I'm taking a lunch break at work and can't actually visit my blog due to rules here. Since I haven't been getting online at night I haven't been able to visit my blog and reply to your comments or even visit your blogs. I plan to soon.

I hope to know in a day or two whether I have the job for sure. This is one of the most dragged out events I've had in my life. Sheesh!

The Rollercoaster of My Existence

This morning I woke up and felt better than I have in weeks. I finally got some sleep last night when getting home after having my hair colored (I also added a few highlights as well and it looks great). This morning I popped out of bed, had a shower, got ready, even put on eye shadow (during my bad days I only wear eyeliner and a little mascara), sprayed one of my favorite perfumes, visited the kitchen and made breakfast and lunch to take to work and here I am. I felt very happy while scurrying around the house with my soul feeling more light and free. While driving into work I realized how good I felt compared to the last few weeks and though I am grateful for feeling better, I also realize how up and down I have been for the last three years of my life. Thinking about it can make me feel crazier, if that's possible.

I called my Mom and told her that I feel much better and also commented on how tired I am of riding this rollercoaster. I can feel down for weeks and then feel much better, get excited about it only to crash again. Since I started adding Prozac to my daily RX regimen, I am curious if it's the Prozac helping me to feel better, or do I feel better on my own, or what. I finally decided to not question why and just enjoy how I feel. In order to do this I need to accept the rollercoaster of my existence. That is difficult to do.

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Do I dare hope to be cured of depression? Will there be a day when the depression is manageable once again? Will this rollercoaster ride ever end?

Very Happy

My husband was asked to speak about his artwork at a university tonight. Not only was he asked to discuss his work, but was also paid to be there and chat about it. This is the second time he has been paid to talk about his work and it's been pretty nifty. I am very happy for him because it seems like things are coming together artistically and it's about damn time.

I don't know if it was noticed in one of my last posts (last two paragraphs) that I have been doing better. It's so nice to say that instead of constantly complaining (or it felt like I was when reading my old posts). If you haven't read those last two paragraphs, please do.

Today I thought about how I'm still doing better. It's been a while now for things to be more rosy. It's not that the blanket of depression is lifting, the fact is that it has lifted and for quite some time. I am very grateful for that.

It's interesting to me as well that things are better with my husband. He is more satisfied and happy about how things are turning in his artistic life and in turn he has been easier to deal with. His anger is not as bad nor his tongue as vicious. I have learned a lot more about him this summer. At the time I wasn't sure if I wanted to learn what I did, but in the end, it's best that I did and know more with what and who I am dealing with.

I just wanted to share the good news with you. It's so much better than the alternative.

Cool Tool to Export and Import Blogs

Blogger has a great tool to export/import blogs and I used it while moving my old blog here. At first I thought that I would need to cut and paste all of the old blog entries into this blog and then comments would be lost, not to mention it would take a long time. I decided to see if there was any tool available that could export the blog, so I went to Google and typed "export blog into new blog" and found an article stating Blogger has a site available for their users to beta test new Blogger features located at http://draft.blogger.com and one of the new beta features was exporting/importing blogs.

I visited the site which looks just like Blogger.com and signed in with my Blogger user name and password. After signing in, it looked the same but after looking around found a few changes from the regular Blogger. What's nice is any changes you make to your blog using the beta Blogger does display in your blog. I found the tool that allows you to export and import blogs and so I then signed into the beta Blogger site with my old blog credentials and used the tool to export my old blog. It basically creates an XML file that you can save to your computer (which is great because it allows you to keep this file which you can use as a backup for your blog). The XML file stores all blog entries you posted along with all comments received. It does not include widgets you may have used or the blog template you used to make your blog pretty.

I then signed back into the beta Blogger site with my new Chunks credentials and imported the file I saved to my computer and voila, all blog entries and comments displayed. What's REALLY nice about the import is that it imports all entries/comments to your blog but does not publish them automatically. I was so happy about that because I wanted to manually go through each blog entry and remove all references to my old blog along with all comments I had posted using my old blog user name. So I then went through each blog entry reading all posts and comments and removing what was needed. After doing this I published the post and then the old post displayed in my new blog. Beautiful! I was very happy that nothing was lost.

Since I started blogging I have never gone back and read any old posts. Have you ever read your old posts? It was quite enlightening to do so because it really made me realize that I am getting better. Sure, I still have dark days when depression wraps its cold hands around my throat, but really, it's not been as bad as it has been. I'm not slipping into suicidal thoughts as much and the heavy blanket of depression hasn't suffocated me for a while.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting here thinking that I've beat depression and that it's gone for good. In the past I would feel that way and then be sorely disappointed when it came back to haunt me. I think I accept the fact that I have depression now and before I could never accept it. If you can't accept something it really creates conflict and I was troubled for a long time. I was also embarrassed that I had depression. I felt abnormal and hated the feeling. Now I realize depression is my reality and this new blog will now be about bits and pieces, or chunks, of my reality versus feeling like an abnormal soul.

I'm not abnormal. I'm me. And that is OK. What a great reality to awaken to!

OMG Finally!

I have now officially moved to my new and permanent home. I exported my old blog, imported it to this one, took out all references to the old blog and here we are. The process seemed never-ending, but it is now complete and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

The grass always looks greener on the other side. I was tired of Blogger and tried other sites and here I am full-circle again. I appreciate Blogger much more and think it's the best blogging tool out there so far.

If you have me on your blogroll, please delete the reference to my old blog and replace it with this new address. I'm going to delete my old blog tonight after writing this post.

I like the look of this blog better as well. Of course I got the template at Suck My Lolly. Check her out, she has great templates there. I've decided to keep it simple in the code so that I can change out the template as I like. It's fun to use different designs from time to time.

Oh, it's wonderful to be back in the blogging world again. I have a lot to say and will be posting as time allows.

*hugs* to everyone!

I Can't Believe This!

Last night I had to take my statistics exam. It was SOOOOO difficult to concentrate! Finally I just said to myself, "DO NOT BLOW IT! GET THROUGH IT! JUST CONCENTRATE!". So, I took one question at a time. Even one word of one sentence at a time. When having difficulty with one problem, I went to the next and later went back over it to answer the ones I initially had a problem with. I was in the zone before realizing it. I was completely focused on the exam and became methodical like a robot.

After completing the exam I checked it three times just to be sure I didn't make a big mistake or even a silly little mistake in the math (such as all the math you have to do to find the standard deviation of something...my gawd, whoever thought about creating statistics? It takes an entire page sometimes to work one problem!).
I checked and checked and checked again. It was like taking the exam all over again. I redid all the math, all the calculations and four hours and ten minutes later turned it in. The class is a four hour class. Only one girl left prior to that and the rest of the class was still there.

We all walked out together with a collective sigh. One guy started talking about how he was going to go home and take a relaxing bath with aromatherapy candles, bath oil, soft music and rose petals. Imagine hearing that from a big, burly guy who used to be in the Navy! I started laughing so much. I added that he should also sip some chamomile tea while soaking the stress away and we all laughed. That's when I realized that I feel a bit better. The cloud is finally lifting again.

This morning it was DIFFICULT to get out of bed. I finally did. I'm proud of myself for that. Saying that makes me feel like such a loser, but I'm glad I didn't stay there. I got myself into work and though I haven't accomplished everything I've wanted to today, I did get some stuff done. That is better than nothing. Towards the end of the afternoon today I laughed again. It's been a while since I laughed. I AM feeling better.

Yesterday was AWFUL! I was quite depressed and was also a bit angry! I can't begin to tell you why except possibly I am just sick of all this. I rarely get angry. It was a surprising feeling yesterday. Not only that I was so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. I continually thought about sticking toothpicks in my eyelids to hold them up.

Once again I now feel like I will get through this. I'm still taking the meds and am sure it helps a lot. I certainly wish I didn't have to take them, though. I'm so tired of taking a pill to be "normal". Ugh. But, I'm going to take them, come Hell or high water.

You know, that is another thing I am sick of...these cycles. I feel better, I feel worse, I feel better, I feel worse, etc, etc, over and over and over again. I still can't bear the thought of living 30 to 40 more years like this! Right when I feel like I've beaten it, depression comes back and I'm back in bed thinking about a way to end it all. Right when I think I can't stand anymore, I start to feel a bit better and realize I may make it through after all. It's such a roller coaster and feels so psycho! It makes you tired and I'm exhausted from the drama.

When the depression starts to fade away I actually feel it in my body. It's almost like this lightness of spirit and mind descends and parts the dark, heavy and murky blanket enveloping my soul. Recently I found old poems I wrote YEARS AGO and it was strange reading them because even though I wrote some of them back when I was 13 years old, they are still applicable today at 36 years of age. Do you see why I worry about feeling this way for the next 30 or 40 years? I don't have them with me to share at the moment, but will post them at another time.

Last night I asked the statistics professor if he could e-mail the results to me after grading the mid-term exam (if he doesn't do that I'll have to wait until the next class on Monday). I just received his e-mail. I cannot believe what I made.

Seriously, I can't believe it.

The following is his e-mail:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
from Professor Bagashawn Bagashawn@xxxxxxx.edu
to Chunks chunksofreality@gmail.com
date Feb 5, 2008 1:28 PM
subject Mid-Term Exam Results

I have received your e-mail. Your midterm grade was excellent. Your
score is 100%.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm still in shock.

By the way, I think it's funny how he wrote "100%" rather than "100". He IS a statistics professor, but funny just the same.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments on my blog. I'm serious when saying you have NO idea how much you all help me. What I write about in my blog I can't share with anyone! Not even my parents. They would worry so much. And I'm embarrassed to share some of the things I do. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for your kind words. You don't have to spend the time reading all of this psycho-ness. But, you do and you even take the time to respond!

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

All Work and No Play...You Know the Rest

This is a very busy week for me. Not only is work busy and I need to work overtime, more needs to be done which is outlined below:

• Thursday - Want to get to work at 6:00am at the latest. Work for 12 hours and go home and do homework. Wash some clothes and clean up a bit around the house.
• Friday - It's my daughter's birthday! She will be 15. Get to work at 5:00am at the latest. Work for 12 hours. Go home and take her and her friend that is spending the night to the movies. Drop them off. They will be meeting approximately 10 friends there. After going to the movies they will walk next door to the ice cream shop for ice cream. Pick them up afterwards. While they are at the movies, get my hair cut and colored and then go to to the store to purchase an iPod Nano for her. She has been dying for one. Pick up a birthday cake. Celebrate when she gets home. Also make 600 meatballs for a wedding the next day.
• Saturday - Get up EARLY. My step-niece is getting married. As a wedding present, all of the women of the family are doing her reception. Get to the church by 11:00am. Set up the place for the reception, etc, etc. Go to the wedding at 4:00pm. Get back to help with anything needing to be done at the reception and clean up afterwards. If I have time go to work and work a few hours.
• Sunday - Get up EARLY to finish any homework for the week. Wash some clothes and clean around the house. My hair stylist is having issues with his computer. Get to his house by noon to fix his computer problems. I estimate to be there four, possibly five hours. Get back home and continue washing clothes/cleaning/homework until passing out into bed. If I can get into work for a few hours at all this day would be good.
• Monday - Get to work by 5:00am. Work 12 hours and then go to my four hour statistics class.
• Tuesday - Work for 12 hours. It is my husband and Mom's birthday. Get a birthday cake and take it home. That night my husband will be teaching an oil painting class. Make dinner for him and then celebrate when he gets home.
• Rest of the Week - Work 12 hours a day.
• The Weekend - Work 12 hours each day.
  

I wrote all of this out so that I can read it while going along with the week to check and make sure that I'm keeping on track.

I have a t-shirt that says "After viewing her calendar for the week, she went ahead and pre-medicated." I think I need to wear it.

The Picture is NOT What You Think!

Tonight was a great dinner filled with fabulous food and incredible conversations with sweet people. The talk centered around art, art, art while our taste buds focused on stuffed grape leaves (as pictured...the picture actually reminds me of something else like...fecal matter...but it certainly tasted good!), shrimp with rice, French bread with hummus and a cheesy spinach dip. The meal was then finished off with Moroccan mint tea.



My daughter is in a club that backpacks once a month to different areas around and outside the state and two members of this club and their mother visited us this evening. The two members are siblings named Ian and Marian. Ian is a senior in high school while Marian is a sophomore. They are both very artistic and we enjoyed viewing their sketches and portfolios. Since my husband is an artist they had many things to talk about and it was a night filled with three artists sharing their thoughts, ideas, and experiences. It was nice to see my husband chatting with them because I could tell they really looked up to him and got excited about their work. They couldn't wait to get home and work on their art after talking with him. He really got them juiced up!



My husband is about to go through the selection process at the university for the MFA (Master of Fine Arts) program. He is in the midst of getting his application completed along with readying his portfolio and other required documentation. I know that he will be selected to attend in the fall. He will also apply to be in the assistantship program and I truly hope that he gets it. He has been trying for so long to make money and it's been difficult for him to find work. His skills and experience are so highly specialized towards the art field. A few months ago he was looking everywhere for a job and even the Olive Garden turned him down! They said that he didn't have any experience and my first thought was, "Do you have to work at the Waffle House first"?



All of this just kills me when I think about how highly educated and talented he is and not only that he knows six languages! This area hasn't been very sparing with jobs for him. He is going to start January 15 in giving oil painting classes two nights a week. In February he will give watercolor classes and then acrylic painting classes in March. He is quite excited about that. Finding a full-time job has been difficult, though.



He wants to be a professor, which is why he is pursuing a MFA. He is a natural teacher and I know will be a good one. By the way, (and on another note!) he has been much better. He hasn't yelled or screamed lately. He has been treating me very well. I was sick the other day and he made lunch and completely took care of me. I am so very thankful. Things have been getting better. I can tell that it definitely helps my mental mood and attitude. I continue to feel better and better. I have to also say that it was rough when he got back from Morocco. I didn't talk about it much here, but we were even talking about divorce at one point. For the first time in my life I did a very good job of not getting caught up in his moods. I also didn't hold myself accountable for his unhappiness. I also told him that I won't put up with it anymore. I told him that I deserved to be treated better. All of this definitely seemed to help. It can still be difficult at times.



It's just...I refuse to ride the roller coaster anymore. Thank you, God!

How Did You Ring in the New Year?

I can't believe it, but we actually went out for New Year's Eve. We haven't done that in YEARS!! Physically and mentally I have been feeling better and better over the past month and didn't want to sit home this year. The past two years I don't think I was even awake at midnight. What a joy it was last night to be out and about.



I worked yesterday and didn't get home until 8:00pm. I jumped in the shower and got ready. My daughter was at my parents house. My husband and I got ready and left around 10:00pm. Yes, it was a bit late to go out, but around here things don't even get started until around then. It was VERY difficult to find a parking spot downtown, which is amazing to me because the town is so very small. After finally finding a spot, we went to a new bar and found ourselves squashed between too many people inhibiting too little space. Soon after getting there a fight broke out and we left because it started to get a bit too rowdy. We then paced the streets looking to be somewhere else at midnight. Every place we found either had a private party or required tickets that we didn't purchase beforehand to enter.



We haven't been out in years. We stood in the middle of the cold street racking our brains trying to figure out where to go. We finally had the idea to go to a little bar that we knew would be a fun night, no fights and filled with nice, respectful and fun people. We headed there and found what we were looking for.



The place was introduced to me years ago by a dear friend. For years I thought that my friend was gay. I never asked and he never said. Two years into the friendship I finally asked. He said, "No". I didn't believe him. Six months later we went out together and as we were driving he stopped the car and told me that he was. He said that he was 35 years old and "had always kept his straight and gay world separate". He never let the worlds collide due to fear. If you knew him you would have been so proud of him that he finally told someone. After telling me he took me to a bar and said, "I'm taking you to a bar that I go to. I want you to see what it's like. I don't want you to be shocked because there are guy dancers." I looked into his eyes with a big grin and said "LET'S GO!".



We went inside and I had the time of my life. What got me the most was how peaceful the environment was and how nice the people were. I felt like I was home. At this bar you are accepted no matter what. It doesn't matter what age, race, gender, or religion, you are part of the family and are surrounded by wonderfully nice, respectful, compassionate and fun people. Years ago I took my husband there when we were first dating. He didn't know what to expect and went anyway. He had a lot of fun and we went back several times afterwards. It's been five years now and last night was the first time in a long time. We had a great time again. I didn't see the regulars that I used to see, but other people were there and we had a nice time.



No fights, no problems, nice conversations, great dancing, cheap drinks, and great fun...what a way to ring in the New Year!



How did you ring in the New Year?

The Blanket Has Lifted

It's a Saturday night and I'm laying in bed with a nice cup of hot Yorkshire tea with a little milk and sugar stirred in and eating a small cookie (or biscuit as they say in the UK) from France. While doing this I smell the aroma of a new perfume I received from my husband's brother wafting through the air. The perfume is from Paris and is aptly named "Paris" from Yves Saint Laurent. It smells completely divine. I love perfume so very much and was happy when opening my present. My husband's brother visited Morocco while my husband was there and gave him a few goodies to bring back to the States for my daughter and me.

After recently going through such a difficult time, you have no idea how tranquil, happy, and grateful that I feel. The blanket of depression has lifted completely today and it's no longer foggy. I feel lighter and more able to breathe. I am no longer swimming underwater. I've been getting better slowly and surely, but today is the first day in almost a month that I feel like myself again. I even put on makeup and did my hair. Before it was a complete chore to brush my teeth! I am so damn grateful.

I've worked the past four days almost 12 hours a day. Today I worked as well. I got through it, thank God.

Tonight I am able to catch up with my favorite blogs and for that I am thankful as well.

Tomorrow will be quite busy. I have to work on the final draft of my paper and hope to have it finished by tomorrow. The deadline was supposed to be tomorrow night at midnight, but was extended to Wednesday at midnight. I plan to get up in the morning and work on it. Afterwards we will be putting up and decorating the Christmas tree together. I plan to play Christmas songs and sip eggnog with my family while getting the tree ready. You have no idea how happy I am about this. Last Christmas was terrible. We didn't even put the tree up for the first time ever. I don't plan to make the same mistake again.

Last year our money situation was dire. We didn't buy any Christmas gifts for the first time. I was terribly depressed about it and cussed myself out every day. I was so depressed I didn't even want to put the tree up because it would remind me of our shortcomings and mess. I realized afterwards how terrible it was to do that. It completely showed how I was all caught up with the mass media idea of Christmas. I forgot about the spirit of Christmas and how the most important gift we had was each other.

This year we can barely afford anything and that is OK. I have set aside some money for my daughter and will really enjoy buying her presents. I will take special care in wrapping them and placing them under the tree. Why would I do that? Because I am so very thankful that I am able to get her something for Christmas. I am so very thankful to be able to watch the smile on her face as she opens her gifts. I am so very thankful that she is my daughter. I am so very blessed. I love her so much.

There is something I realized while writing this post and am about to cry. My daughter will be 15 in January. I have very few years left to enjoy her living with us. I cannot imagine my life without her.

Finally

I am back from the dead. The following are a few things that have been going on:

• Depression
• Trying to Get Up and Function like Brushing Teeth and Taking a Shower
• Depression
• Thanksgiving Holidays
• Depression
• Cleaning House
• Depression
• Washing Clothes
• Depression
• Taking my Daughter to Appointments
• Depression
• Working
• Depression
• Schoolwork
• Depression
• Working on my Final Draft
• And did I mention Depression?

I received a 94 on the first draft of the research paper I am writing. I was pleased because I thought the grade would be abominable. The professor gave good constructive criticism and I have been working on finalizing it. The final draft is due a week from today.

Only two and a half weeks of school are left and I am so grateful. I hope to push through with A's. I don't want the 4.0 GPA to falter. Ugh, I put myself under too much pressure. I mean, who will really give a damn later if I have a 4.0 GPA or not other than myself? Absolutely NO ONE will EVER ask.

I don't look forward to next quarter starting in January. I will have to take Statistics...UGH UGH UGH!! God help me with this.

I haven't been online much at all. I am so far behind in blogging, reading other's blogs, commenting on other's blogs, responding to the kind people who have commented on my blog and catching up with e-mail. I opened my e-mail and wow'ed at the number of mails. Oh yes, and I need to visit BlogCatalog as well. Try BlogCatalog if you haven't already. It is very cool.

My depression has been debilitating. I am at work now and must catch up. I will be working late into the night each night this week as well as this weekend. I am at work now, actually. It's 7:05pm and I'm taking a small break. Thank God I can e-mail this to my blog so that it will post. If not, I don't know when I would be able to post.

Well, I am saying much ado about absolutely nothing. I can't express how I feel. I am getting better because I am at work. I am at least functioning. The heavy blanket is still wrapped tight, but at least I am able to breathe. I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful to everyone who reads this blog of meandering thoughts and also the wonderful people who have left such wonderful comments. Thinking about you all brings tears to my eyes. Isn't it ironic how we can pour out everything we are thinking or feeling to complete strangers in our blogs and receive the best feedback? I am not able to tell anyone in my "real" life. I do not have friends, anyway. I certainly don't tell my parents because they will become too concerned and will also judge. It isn't beneficial to anyone.

I just want to say "THANK YOU!!" again to everyone. As soon as I can I will reply to the wonderful comments people have left here.

As soon as I can I will also catch up with everyone else's blog! I cannot, CANNOT imagine how far behind I am with Linda's blog! :) She writes like crazy and it's GREAT stuff. Get over there if you haven't already.

By the way, my husband is home. He got home last night. It was very late when we got back from the airport (approximately 1:00am) and I had to work today so I have hardly seen him.

I guess that it's it. I just wanted whoever reads this to know that I haven't off'ed myself somewhere though I really did think about it for awhile. Don't worry, I won't do it. If I haven't done it already I don't see myself doing that in the future. I really want to get through this. I really want to live. I really want to look back at all of this and feel proud of myself for what I have accomplished and overcome. (My gawd…writing that makes me cry. Isn't that silly? I hate, abhor and detest depression!! Thank God no one is here at work now.)

I'll be blogging again soon…

$2.99 Well Spent

I am very proud of myself today. Even though I went to bed late last night I was able to get up early this morning. My daughter is not here this weekend because she is down in Florida and it is her responsibility to feed the cats, so I immediately fed them (three cats named Tom, Shuga and Q-Tip. Tom and Q-Tip live indoors while Shuga prefers outside), fed HoneyBunny, our toy poodle, the three goldfish whose names I forget (well, except for one named "Junior"), and Frida, our blue and gold macaw.



While I'm thinking about it, I'll post some pictures of them all. I don't have a picture of Tom, Shuga or the goldfish saved on this laptop, but the rest are below.



Here is a picture of HoneyBunny. I have posted her picture before:







Below is a picture of Q-Tip when we first got him at three weeks old. He was found in the middle of the road and I discovered him at a local animal shelter. He fit in the palm of my hand back then.







The next picture is Q-Tip at approximately three months old.







The next pictures are Q-Tip now at a year and a half.











The next picture is Frida, our blue and gold macaw. She is my husband's daughter.







Speaking of husband's and daughters, here is my husband (with his Mom who he is currently visiting right now in Morocco) and my daughter (who would want you to know that she no longer wears glasses, but contacts...she is just so pleased about that).











And here is one of me and another of my daughter and me (my favorite picture of us together):









After feeding everyone I organized around the house, took out the trash, cleaned the kitchen, took a shower and drove to work. I worked until 5:00pm and I cannot believe how much I accomplished there. I feel very happy about it all. In the grand scheme of things the accomplishments amount to a half-grain of sand, but I'm happy nonetheless. That is the sad part of how debilitating depression can be. You get to a point that even brushing your teeth feels like a success at times and it feels pretty silly.



Tonight I am laying in bed with HoneyBunny at my side, a wonderful cup of tea, and a little purchase I made today for $2.99 that completely smells heavenly and divine. It's incense made in India by a company named Maroma. The scent I bought is patchouli and I feel so very relaxed as I breathe it in. It is simply delicious and I think everyone who reads this needs to make a purchase. You won't regret it.



An insert was inside the incense package that really got me interested in the Maroma company. The paper insert itself smells so strongly of the incense that I'm going to put it in my drawer where I store my nightwear. The following is a few tidbits written in the insert:

Their Description of the Stick Incense

Bamboo sticks hand rolled into sandalwood powder bound with a natural gum resin. The finished sticks are then dipped into our own fragrances which have been blended with essential oils.



Commitment to People and the Environment

Our head offices and manufacturing facilities are located in India which is one of the most beautiful but densely populated countries in the world. As a consequence, we are particularly sensitive to environmental issues and are dedicated to helping reduce the degradation of our planet's natural resources. We are equally dedicated to the dignity and the quality of life for our employees who are all adults (minimum age is 18 years old) and mostly women from the surrounding villages. We have always strictly adhered to the International Fair Trade principles even before these principles and practices were widely publicized. The ingredients used in the fabrication of our products are recyclable and abundantly present in nature or they are taken from renewable resources. We use a minimum of energy resources to produce our products. We control and recycle our waste, and for the packaging we always choose material with little impact on the environment.

It sounds like a great company. I wish that I could visit and take a tour and watch how they make their products.



Seriously, another dream I have is one day after my daughter gets older and finds her way in life, I want to pack my bags and live in a ashram in India for a year. I really hope to do that one day. Maybe when I do I will visit Maroma and help them make some incense sticks!

Mindfulness

Today I read the following quote:

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.
Leo Tolstoy: 1828-1910, Novelist and Philosopher

It made me stop and think. I need to change the way I see things. I am usually a very optimistic person; however, lately I have really been letting things (and people) get me down.

It's difficult during emotional times to conjure this quote in my mind and make myself look at the situation differently. I need to practice mindfulness more. I learned a lot about mindfulness in the hospital and it's something that I have not put into practice for a long time. I need to make decisions on how I am going to react. I need to remember that it's not the situation making me feel a certain way, but a decision I am making to feel that way.

It's very difficult, but I'm going to try to practice this more.

One Suitcase From My Emotional Baggage Is Gone

I had a very nice day yesterday. I finished my homework Saturday and didn't have to hurry up and get it done yesterday, which was nice. My daughter's grandparents flew in from Spain and she stayed the weekend with them and her Dad and his wife and son (his wife's son from a previous relationship).

Let me give a little background so there's no confusion.

After graduating high school YEARS ago I went to university. I was only attending the university for a year and decided to go into the Navy. (That was THE DUMBEST decision I could have made, by the way, but if I hadn't done it I wouldn't have my daughter, so I don't regret). While in the Navy I lived in Scotland for two years. While living there I met M (my daughter father) and we married. M was in the Royal Navy (British Navy) and was a submariner. He is from England. I was only 20 at the time and was SO in love. Actually, he was the first person I had ever felt deep feelings for (well, the deepest feelings I had ever experienced at the very young age of 20) and was completely smitten. While dating I found out that the base I worked at was going to be decommissioned and I would be stationed somewhere else. We couldn't stand the thought of never seeing each other again, so we married. If we were more mature at that time we would have realized that we could have still dated even if I moved. We weren't mature, though. :)

We were married in England when I was 20 years old and he was 22. While in Scotland I became pregnant and will never forget how I found out. I had missed my monthly and felt tired and worn out for weeks. M's mother told me that I must be pregnant. I didn't believe her. Finally, I went to a store to buy a pregnancy test. M was with me and we stopped at a McDonalds to take it because I couldn't wait to get back to the British Navy base. I asked the cashier for a cup and went into the bathroom to take the test. You knew if you were pregnant if the test result window displayed a pink plus sign (+). I sat very still in the McDonald's bathroom and stared until the result displayed. It didn't take long to show a pink + and the pink was more of a hot pink. I felt like the test was screaming at me with color letting me know I was pregnant.

I was shocked.

I couldn't believe it was that fast. I didn't know what to do. I left the bathroom and went to M. I couldn't talk. I just gave him the test so he could see the results for himself. He was overjoyed! I was numb. While walking outside to get back to the car it was raining (as it usually does in Scotland) and he actually picked me up so I wouldn't walk over a puddle while giving me a hug.

When I look back I feel very sorry for my parents. Just imagine…one week I call from Scotland to tell them that I'm getting married and then only a few months later I am telling them that I'm pregnant. They hadn't even met M yet!

I sincerely hope that my daughter makes better decisions than I did.

To make a very long story short, my base decommissioned, I was sent to the States, M's paperwork for his green card was still being worked on and he couldn't go with me. He got out of the Royal Navy and lived with his parents while waiting for his paperwork to go through. I found an apartment for us, moved in, got what we needed for it, and then became sick with toxemia. I kept going into labor and had to go to the Naval Hospital to get shots to stop the contractions even though I was six months pregnant. I swelled up with so much water I turned into a tomato and was immediately put on bed rest.

I was so depressed in the apartment alone. I was horribly sick and wanted M to be there. I was scared that he wouldn't be there for the birth, so I wrote my senator and explained my situation. Unbelievably, his staff contacted me and said they would get him to the States. In only two months they flew him over and I was thrilled. He was there for our daughter's birth, thankfully.

I decided not to reenlist when my time was up in the Navy and we moved to England. After living there for a year and a half we realized that the economy was not getting any better and it was very difficult to get good work, so we moved back to the States.

We were together for six more years. Things turned bad. I didn't want a divorce and kept working on the marriage. I come from a divorced family and didn't want that for my daughter. I thought it would be best if we stayed together no matter what. In all actuality, it would have been better if we divorced when she was only three because I don't think it would have hurt her so badly.

I'll never forget when he left. I was on the couch crying and he took off his wedding ring and put it on the table before walking out the door. Our daughter stood there very stoically and didn't cry one tear. She closed the door behind him and turned to look at me and said....

"Well, Momma...it's just you and me now."

She then went to the sink and got me some water and a paper towel and brought it to me. She wiped my tears and told me to drink the water because it would make my throat feel better and help me not to cry. She said that it was something that always worked for her. It was only four days after her sixth birthday.

I never thought I would marry again. I was happy to be with just my daughter...and then I met my current husband. I took it much slower with him and we dated for two years before marrying. We'll be married five years this December.

M remarried about two years after our divorce. I'll never forget when he told my daughter and me. We were amicable after the divorce and he would even ask advice about dating. He had met an older woman named T (she is 14 years older) and they had just started going out. Three months had gone by and he arrived on our doorstep to let us know they were getting married. I remember looking at him and asking..."Do you need to get married so soon? You just met each other!". He said that they had to get married and he couldn't wait. I said "Do you think three months is long enough?" And he said..."Well, it's better than us!" (By the way, M and I were engaged only one month after meeting. I told you that we weren't mature...). Then I said, "And look what happened!".

He got married and is still married today. He is now 38 years old while she is in her 50's. He complains to me at times that he is becoming a monk because she is a "nun" with her menopause. That is way too much information for me, but he has always been quite blunt. He's not very happy in his marriage and I sometimes think that he is waiting for our daughter to graduate so that he can move back to England. We shall see.

Back to my original story...yesterday.

His parents flew over from Spain to stay with M and his wife. They are from England, but retired and built a house in Spain. They float back and forth between the two countries. When I picked up my daughter yesterday M's mother went with us to spend some time together. She loves to shop so we went to the mall. We got a coffee from Starbucks (I haven't had a coffee in SO long and enjoyed it SO much) and chatted for a bit. Afterwards we looked around the shops and then I took her back to M's.

It was wonderful to spend time with her. I could tell my daughter was happy that we were having some "girl time" together because she didn't stop smiling for four hours. You see, after M's and my divorce, his family stopped speaking with me. When I did see them from time to time when they visited the States it was always very strained and felt so weird. I would call them in England and you could tell they didn't want to talk with me. I felt bad about this for years.

Yesterday was the first time since the divorce that things weren't strained and were completely natural. I could tell that she was happy to visit with me and we talked about a lot of things. At one point she said that my daughter was a credit to me and that I have done a wonderful job raising her. Sometime later she said, "I love you". I can't even begin to describe how that made me feel.

You see, I have always wanted a relationship with them even though M and I divorced. I think it's important to retain a good relationship - especially for my daughter. The fact is that I never divorced them. I was hurt for years that they didn't want to talk with me. I look back at it now and think that they just didn't know how to act. They felt uncomfortable. M's parents have been married 38 years. They married when she was 16 years old and pregnant with M. Not many people in their family have divorced and it is something foreign to them.

That is why yesterday was so very special to me. I think they feel comfortable now and I no longer have to feel bad about it. It's a really nice feeling.

They are leaving Wednesday to drive down to Florida. They are meeting M's sister, husband and kids at the airport when they fly in from England Thursday. Friday my daughter is going with M and his wife to Florida to spend the weekend. She is excited to spend time with her family and visit Disney. Her grandparents always go to Disney (almost once a year!) and she has been there so many times you would think she'd be bored to go. My daughter is leaving again with M to go down to Florida in three weeks, which is the last weekend his parents will be in the States before flying back home. It will be nice for her to spend time with her grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins.

Yesterday I felt that a load I've been carrying for years was lifted.

I am so grateful.

Thank God the Blanket is Lifting

I'm feeling better today. The dark, heavy blanket of depression is lifting from my soul. I feel it physically. I don't know why it is lifting. I rejoice when it starts its ascent away from me.

When it descends or ascends I wrack my brain constantly on why. I try to figure out the trigger. I feel that I can prevent it from happening again if I know the trigger.

It is so strange because I can physically feel the depression before it takes its complete grip of me and when it is leaving me. I am so curious if others have experienced the same.

Thank God I am feeling better. In one sense I don't want to question why because I'm scared to tempt fate and bring it back again. However, I do question and no answer ensues.

Yesterday I worked 12.5 hours and today I plan to work 12. At least it didn't affect me financially this time. It's a lot of hard work catching up and I am completely tired of it all.

Back to School

Did I mention that I am a college student? I attend Strayer University and hope that by the time I'm 94 I'll be able to wheel myself across the stage to receive my degree. Strayer operates in quarters versus semesters, which means that the classes go faster (11 weeks) because you can take more in a year and they are also accelerated, which also means there is a lot of material you cover in a mere week and it's difficult to keep up at times.

So far I have a 4.0 GPA and am on the President's List. It's funny because when I received the first letter from Strayer notifying me that I was on the President's List, the first I thing I did was call my Mom and tell her. I then realized that it doesn't matter how old you are, you still seek approval from your Mom..."Momma, guess what? I'm on the President's List!!"..."Oh, that is so wonderful. I am so proud of you"...*I beam with joy*

Sheesh.

I am currently a junior and seeking a Bachelor of Science in Information Systems degree. I plan to continue school after receiving my Bachelor's in order to get my Master's. I have been in the information technology (IT) field for eleven years and by the time I receive my Master’s it will be 15 years. 15 years experience with a Master's will be great and help financially in the future. Well, at least I hope that it does because I will have a student loan I need to pay.

I am also thinking about getting out of IT after receiving my degree and teaching at a university. I think it's great if a professor can bring real world experience to a classroom. I don't know...we shall see.

Classes started this week...oh my...here we go again. I hope I can make it to December 16th when classes are finished.

On another note I have been very busy. Yesterday I cleaned the house, washed all the clothes, sheets, towels, etc. I also got all of the paperwork I need to take for my appointment with the attorney tomorrow. I even created a spreadsheet that has all of the information of what I owe. I'm very curious about what he will say. When printed, the spreadsheet was 28,198 pages. (Well, OK, it wasn’t that bad, but it was certainly bad enough!)

Today I was up at 5:00am (shocking for me), at work by 6:45am, worked, picked up my daughter from school to take her to the orthodontist, went to the grocery store, got home and put on my sweats to mow the yard and rake. Afterwards I washed HoneyBunny (our dog), took a shower, made dinner, made lunch for tomorrow, did dishes and am now about to go to bed.

The house looks great, the yard looks great, the clothes are clean, HoneyBunny is clean, we have what we need from the store, lunch is made for tomorrow, and I am absolutely and utterly exhausted. It's strange though...just by doing these small things I feel better about myself. It's ridiculous to feel proud because you were able to do what "normal" people do every day of their lives. I used to be a "normal" person and was able to get it all done with no problem. In fact I never even thought about it. Ever since I landed in the hospital, sometimes brushing my teeth is a chore. Silly, isn't it? I honestly don't understand it.

Anyway, I'll just take the good out of feeling successful at these small things, keep my head high and keep going. It would be nice if this continues and I can become "normal" again.

Oh, and one more thing...my husband and I haven't fought. But, then again, I haven't seen him because he's been at work so much. I am grateful that we haven’t fought today and yesterday. I hope that it continues.

Planning Out The Window

If you read my earlier post, I was supposed to be up at 6:00am and have my daughter at the dog show at 7:00am to volunteer. Well, I actually got up at 6:00am. I went to my daughter's room and she said she didn't want to go. We talked about it for a bit and we were both tired and ended up not going.

We both slept in and it was wonderful because I feel better, however I still have to go to work. There wasn't any specific time that I had to be there. I am just going in to work on the project and make extra money. I doubt anyone will be there today. Maybe some developers, but that's it.

I got my daughter up and I'm taking her to her Nana's. It's not her grandmother, but a lady that is very dear to both of our hearts. A is very excited because she loves spending time with her. After taking her there I'll go to work and then pick her up tonight.

In a way I feel bad about not making her volunteer today. She has been volunteering since she was eight years old. She's volunteered at a veterinarian's office, the library, the State Museum, at the dog show she was supposed to be at today, and at an animal shelter. She loves it. The reason why I feel bad about not making her go is because I know she was just tired. I've always tried to teach her that she needs to do what she commits to. Today we didn't do that.

Hopefully all these years of trying to teach her didn't go by the wayside because I didn't make her get out of the bed and do what she said she was going to do.