Mon Dieu!

This is what I was saying last weekend. ALL WEEKEND LONG.

My husband and I have been working on the house for quite a while. I've been in the process of decluttering ten years of our life while he has been redoing our bar, making trims (to save money) and painting like a fool. Everything was fine until this past weekend when it became crunch time. His brother and family flew in from Paris Sunday at 5:30pm. We finished the house thirty minutes before they stepped off the plane.

Those design shows are full and I do mean FULL of shit. They make it all look so easy. One shot is how they want to design the room, next one they are moving furniture out of a room, next someone is holding a paintbrush and you see one little dash of paint on the wall and then voila! They are laying out candles, the furniture has magically appeared in the room, no one is in a sweat, and everything is PERFECT.

What you don't know is that there are twenty people hiding in the back of the house who break out working like Tasmanian devils when the camera is off.

My husband and I were only two Tasmanian devils and even we weren't fast enough. He actually never slept Saturday night and painted from 7:00am Saturday morning until 5:00pm Sunday evening. There were times that I almost started crying because it was just so overwhelming and I felt we would never get done. It was HELL. In Arabic, they say "Mosaba" meaning it's a catastrophe. All weekend long as I passed my mother-in-law in the house we would look at each and say, "Mon dieu...Mosaba!!".

I love that woman, by the way. She is such a dear angel. She flew from Morocco a few months ago and will be here until November. She helped out as well this past weekend and made the most beautiful curtains, pillows and comforter for the guest room. I need to take pics and post them one day.

Wow...I said "guest room". Most of the time I say it's my daughter's room because it is her room. It is the room she left and moved away from. It is really gorgeous now. I think it's easier to look at because it doesn't look like her room anymore. After she left it was hell even looking in the direction of her bedroom. All of her posters were off the walls when she left with holes all over the drywall. None of her things were there anymore and it looked abandoned. The walls were a mess with holes. I didn't realize it because she was always putting up posters here and there and changing them out and I never knew how many holes she actually put in the walls. My husband was spackling like crazy to fill them all in.

We still say it's her room. It will always be her room. It is just different now. Just like our relationship since she left.

I really need to write about what happened up until and when she left. It is just so difficult to do that.

Karen, I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I read your comments to my other posts and I wanted to say something and felt at a loss for words. I completely understand what you are going through. It's just so damn hard. I will write you soon, though. It has just been difficult to do it.

My brother-in-law and his wife and daughter will be here for another two weeks. Things will then start calming down. The only things left to do to the house after they leave is:

• Paint the facade of my husband's studio which happens to be located at the front of our house. The sun has faded it out so badly it looks like Sanford and Son live here.
• Turn the guest room (the room beside my daughter's room) into a "cave" for me. My husband is going to build bookshelves, we are going to paint and I am going to get my scrapbooking and jewelry-making things out of boxes they have been stored in for FOREVER and have a place all my own. I simply cannot wait for that!!
• Redo the paint in our bathroom. We never had a chance to get to it.
• Paint the shed in the backyard.

There are other things to do of course, but the above list is the top priority.

It's been nice to declutter. You feel lighter in your mind after going through everything. I still have more to do, but a huge amount has been done already.

I went to court for the bankruptcy hearing. Thank goodness that is over. The judge said that I would have to be "re-evaluated" in October 2011 because by then my husband hopefully will have a job and our financial situation will be different which means we will have to pay more money to the court every month. I hate the thought of having to go back to court then. Bankruptcy court is such a miserable place. People there all look depressed. Some people are having to pay over $3,200 a month for five years for their bankruptcy! I don't know how they afford that. I am having to pay $200 a month for five years. Many people there had already filed for bankruptcy multiple times in their life. I never knew that you could do that. I definitely don't ever want to do that again.

I still haven't gotten word about when I am supposed to go to the federal court for the security clearance I need for my job. I have all of my paperwork together though and am just waiting to know the date.

My house is changing just like my life has been changing. It's a new phase of life now. I am trying to get used to it. I don't know if I can. I haven't given up yet, though. I hope to get through it and be smiling on the other side.

July 27th is the Day

I found out that July 27th is my day in court for the bankruptcy. I thought I would meet before a judge and instead will be meeting with the creditors and also the trustee that I will be paying money to every month for the next five years for my Chapter 13 bankruptcy.

For the next five years if I want to do anything like selling assets such as the house or wanting to be part of a payment plan I need to pay my attorney $350 an incident in order for them to do paperwork to get it approved by a judge. Right now I'm saving money for a car. If I went to a dealership to finance a car I would need to go in front of a judge. If I save the money and pay for it in cash there is no need to go in front of the judge. I would rather pay in cash anyway and not have a montly payment. I don't see how I can afford a car until around February of next year. Right now I've been using my parents car and carpooling with a guy that lives down the road from me who works where I do.

Today I see my daughter after work. It's been quite surreal spending time with her after what happened. I am trying to make it work, though. It is obvious when I see her that she really misses me a lot and is excited to be spending time together. I am not there yet. I suppose the pain will go away over time and it will get easier as it goes. I hope so, at least.

I am taking two courses this quarter. One is a finance course and I'm learning that I never realized how many ways you can look at money. There are a lot of formulas, a lot of homework and I hope I get through with an "A". I don't want to mess up my 4.0 GPA. I have one more quarter after this one and will be graduating with my Bachelor's of Science in computer information systems in December. I can't wait.

I am thinking about going for a Master's afterwards. I'm not sure yet.

Well, July 27 here we go. I'm still waiting to find out when my other court date will be when I meet with a federal judge about my security clearance for work. So far I've received seven reference letters. I hope the judge rules in my favor.

Bankruptcy is Now Official

June 18th marked the day that I officially declared bankruptcy. I've felt physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt for years and now I have a piece of paper to prove it.

In one way I'm glad that I finally did it. I've had financial issues since I was in the psychiatric hospital for depression about three years ago. Prior to flying into the cuckoo's nest my bills were current, I always paid on time and my credit score was 786. After being in the hospital, I lost my job for the first time in my life, went without a paycheck for a while, got behind on everything and my credit score plummeted to less than 500.

I visited financial advisors who all said I needed to declare bankruptcy. I didn't want to do it due to the stigma of it all and also I was a contractor and was worried that I would lose my job or have issues in getting another job when the contract was over. I've now been full-time for almost a year and felt that I needed to go ahead and get it over with.

I recently met with a bankruptcy attorney who said after viewing my financials that I needed to do it. I got all of the paperwork together (my gawd, the paperwork is incredible!), saved $800 to pay the attorney and on June 18 they filed the paperwork with the court. I still have to go to a court hearing to have it finalized with a judge and am currently waiting to know the date of the hearing.

Not only will I be going to court once this summer, I will actually be going twice. In my job I need to have a C2 security clearance due to the nature of my work and because of my credit issues the federal agency who grants the clearance recently notified me that they could not decide if I should have the clearance or not and said that I had a choice of having a federal judge decide based on viewing my paperwork or request a hearing so that I could make a case before the judge prior to their decision. I opted for the hearing so that the judge could see me in person and hopefully ascertain that I'm not some deadbeat person.

If I don't receive the security clearance I could lose my job. I am the breadwinner and am scared to death of this.

The federal attorney working on the case contacted me last week notifying me of the process and suggested that I gather evidence of why I'm in the financial mess I'm in. She also said it would be good to gather written character references from people to present to the judge as well as any other documentation to show what type of person I am due to the judge performing a "whole person analysis" in the court hearing. I've already asked some people to write references and have received seven so far. What people have said in these references brought tears to my eyes because I didn't expect such glowing words. I wish I could believe what people have written about me.

I've also made copies of my university transcripts to show the judge that I'm a senior holding a 4.0 GPA with only three classes left. I was able to find documents of me going to financial advisors in the past to prove that I tried to take care of my debt and will explain that I am just now pursuing bankruptcy because I am a full-time employee and was worried about claiming bankruptcy as a contract worker. I found the discharge papers from the hospital which I will present as well as my credit score reports from Experian, Equifax and Transunion that show my payment history was stellar prior to the date of me going into the hospital. I don't know if it will help, but I'm also going to present past reviews at work as well as my DD-214 (discharge papers from the Navy) showing an honorable discharge.

The person who hired me where I work now is also going to go to the court hearing with me to give an in-court character reference. I knew him years ago when I worked where I work now (yes, I now work full-time at the same place I was fired at years ago after being in the hospital). He knew me back then and will be able to testify what type of person and employee I've been and to state that he knew I was in the hospital years ago and have been doing better since then.

What's ironic is that I had this security clearance when I worked here before. I will notify the judge of this as well as telling him/her that I had an even higher security clearance while in the Navy. I hope that the bankruptcy will go through first so that I can also present the bankruptcy paperwork to the federal judge. If not I will still present the case number and paperwork the bankruptcy attorney filed on my behalf. I was scared of filing bankruptcy prior to the federal hearing and only hope that the federal judge will see that I'm trying to take care of my debt instead of just letting it go and not doing anything about it.

I have a Chapter 13 bankruptcy which I'm glad about because I will need to pay a certain sum of money every month for the next five years. To me it's better than a Chapter 7 because in the Chapter 7 you don't need to pay a thing. Though I won't be paying the exact amount I owe to the credit companies, I feel good knowing that I'm at least paying something.

It's strange to think that not only did I lose my daughter, I lost my car (I had a Volkswagen Jetta before but am now driving an extra car my parents have that has no air conditioning while saving money for a car that I can purchase outright and have no car payment), I am now officially bankrupt and yet I've still not lost my sanity.

The monster called insanity is irresistibly close and I hope I don't jump off the cliff. I'm barely hanging in there. At least I'm not in the psychiatric ward again. Maybe I'm stronger than I realized.

Everything is Falling Apart

So much has happened. I haven't posted here in forever because frankly I felt tired of complaining. I feel that complaining is all I do here and I wanted to end the cycle. Because I was tired of complaining, I didn't know what to write about anymore. There was no urge to write.

The urge to write isn't back. It's just I had to voice something. I am completely devastated. My daughter is now living with her father. She moved out two weeks ago. I still cannot believe it.

Every day is an effort to continue. Every day something happens in a negative way and I have gotten numb to it. I want to stop this cycle of negativity. I want to stop the tragedies. I want to stop the bad news. I want to stop the depression and loneliness. I want to stop the blame and the shame and the anger and the confusion. I want to stop everything. I want to stop my life.

I'm surprised I'm not dead or in a hospital.

Drug Testing, Background Checks and Bankruptcy

I now have to take a new drug test and background check since I'll possibly be changing jobs with my contract company. Late yesterday afternoon I waited in a doctor's office for an hour and a half to potty in a cup. How fun. I now have to wait two days for all of the results to get back and hopefully I will find out then if I get the job at the new company. That means I won't find out until at least late tomorrow afternoon or possibly Thursday. This is dragging out for so very long. It's interminable. I only hope in the end that I do get the job at the new company and they will want me to work full-time after six months.

It has been highly difficult to focus these last few days at work. On top of waiting to hear about this job I am getting a tad frustrated over trying to contact the attorney who served papers on me regarding the credit card bill that I owe. I can never get in contact with him and I'm worried that they'll go further in whatever they are going to do to me for not being able to pay. I don't want to be served papers again.

This past weekend I went to H&R Block to do my taxes. I'm scared to death that the attorney will get a judgment on me to garnish my tax refund if I don't hurry up and get the refund back. I want to use my tax refund to claim bankruptcy. If I don't get this money I don't know what to do. They said I should get the refund within eight to 21 days. I've been keeping my fingers crossed that the attorney doesn't do anything in that time frame, or if he does, that it doesn't get through the courts that fast.

Once I claim bankruptcy I can give the attorney the case number along with the other credit card companies I owe and get this over with. I really don't want to claim bankruptcy, but I don't have any choice. It is what it is and I must get it over with.

Bankruptcy is just another form of failure. It doesn't feel very good at all.

Eating to Stay Awake

I'm at work e-mailing this post to my blog. I can't visit my blog from work because it would not be good for my blog address to be tracked by Big Brother here and they read everything I've written. Nope, not a good thing at all.

I just bought some M&M's. It is a rarity to purchase M&M's or any type of candy. Usually I get them at the movies or when I can't stay awake at work. Nothing like a sugar rush to come down from. For the last hour the only work accomplished is keeping my eyelids from drooping down to the floor and so I finally got up and bought the sugary pills. Hopefully, they will keep me awake until at least 4:45pm when I have to leave to get my hair done.

A very sweet lady performs miracles every six weeks by vanquishing the massive amounts of white hair springing up all over my scalp. Because of her people are shocked that my hair is over 50% white (not gray, mind you, but starch white). When I get older I'm going to say to hell with it and grow it out and be white-headed, but for now my husband says I look too young for it and to cover it.

I have hardly been online for the past week except to check mail and mail blog posts. Thank you for all of your wonderful comments. Since I can't visit my blog from work I haven't been able to post replies to them, but I have read them in my e-mail box. I wish there was a way to post blog comment replies via e-mail as well.

This weekend I didn't get online at all. Saturday I went to my cousin's house and spent the day with her and her family. I always love going over there. She and I grew up with each other and are like sisters. I adore her six-year old. Ahhhhhhddddoooooorrrreeee her.

I haven't been able to visit any blogs and other than a quick perusal via my mobile phone of a few in the blogging world I'm in withdrawal. Hopefully this upcoming weekend will give me time to catch up with all of you.

Speaking of blogs, please check out http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com. Sister Mary Martha is a nun whose blog is filled with humor (hilarious!), stories, and she answers everyone's questions about the Catholic religion along with giving other nuggets of wisdom. I really think you will enjoy her. Let me know what you think.

I haven't heard from the other company about the new job. I did receive a text message from a friend of mine that works at the company late Friday stating, "The word is they want to hire you. Congratulations!".

Don't get excited yet.

I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to hear that they want to hire me, but I don't want to get too excited and for whatever reason they decide at the last minute to hire someone else, or all of a sudden they don't want to use the budget for the position, or they don't pay very well. There are a myriad of reasons why this may not work out and I refuse to celebrate until I sign the dotted line. I am worried about my credit because I had to sign a release allowing them to check it. As you know, my credit has stunk since I was in the padded room at the hospital. Before that it was all butterflies and ladybugs and now it's credit collectors calling, writing and serving me with papers.

This company is a bank, so it could happen. I do have to say that a friend of mine works there who has a credit score that is less than 500 and he is a full-time employee. He was hired about two years ago, and hopefully they won't be bothered about my score either. I realize that a company shouldn't use a credit score to make a decision to hire you (I wouldn't be handling money, anyway), but as you know they can tell me whatever they want to say and not the real truth if this doesn't pan out.

I'm also not excited about the job just yet because I have no clue concerning how much they want to pay for this position. On their paperwork there are areas for you to fill out how much you are currently being paid and how much you were paid at each job for the last five positions. As a rule I never enter this information. This leaves things open in the pay department until I receive the call from the HR department of that company wanting to know.

I feel quite down today, which I believe is attributed to lack of sleep last night. I need toothpicks to keep my eyelids from falling. I can't wait to get to bed tonight.

Prozac and Sunshine

I haven't been to work all week and no work has been done from home. I've been in the bed and not able to get out. I've slept the sleep of the dead. Unfortunately, I am still alive.

Today I went to the doctor. I had an appointment at 11:30am and missed it due to being asleep. I woke up at noon realizing it was missed, called the doctor's office and thankfully they took me in at 4:15pm. I actually made it on time.

Once again I face my doctor looking like complete shit while telling him I can't take this anymore. I am tired of this unending cycle plaguing my life. I cry off and on like an idiot. Told him how up to this point there have been issues sleeping. I either don't sleep at all or sleep too much. Told him of going through a cycle where I could hardly sleep for a few weeks and now I can't get out of bed. My depression is in full-force right now and I can't see past it. I may lose my job. I listened to a message on my voice mail from my supervisor where you can hear in her voice that she has basically lost patience with me. She warned that it was looking bad to others that I haven't been into work and that people are talking. When I finally do get better and IF I still have a job, it will be difficult to go and face these people.

My doctor said that I need sunshine. Sunshine will help the vitamin D in my body and regulate my sleeping.

He took a bunch of blood to test later and also added Prozac to my daily RX. I'm already taking Wellbutrin and he wants me to continue taking that along with Prozac.

Let's just throw medication to the problem.

The doctor has lost patience, I think. He said that if the Prozac doesn't work he thinks I need to see a psychiatrist who is more specialized. I explained how my insurance is severely lacking in the mental health arena and that I could see him every day and only pay a copay while I could never afford a psychiatrist.

My last post should have been a red flag to me. I should have realized then that I was about to hit the downward spiral. I haven't felt well since the last post. Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I just can't talk very well in times like this and that is why I haven't posted a response to your comments. Two of my friends from high school wanted to meet for dinner together this weekend. I ended up calling one of them after they texted a message saying, "Have you fallen off the face of the earth?" because I never called her back. I ended up crying on the phone with her. It's so embarrassing.

One bright spot today is that the nurse at the doc's office told me about a good therapist. I called after the doctor's appointment out of desperation and she charges only $60 an hour. I am shocked. The lowest I had found so far is $110 for 45 minutes! I will visit her this upcoming Thursday after work...That is if I still have a job left.

I have an interview this upcoming Tuesday. If things don't change fast I'm not going to do very well.

Maybe I should sit in the sunshine.

Sheesh.

Since I did just have my period my doc did give a prescription for a birth control pill that you take for three months straight and only have your period once a quarter. That should help because I always crash with my period. Sometimes worse than others and this is a pretty bad one.

I realize I am doing better today though because at least I was able to get my fat ass in the car and drive to the doctor and I'm also blogging about it. During the worst of it I can't even blog.

When I think about losing my job I literally cannot breathe. I am the breadwinner and if I lose my job I'll be up shit-creek. That will be one more thing and I can't handle even thinking about it. I still haven't contacted the company that served papers, either, by the way.


This is one upside-down post. I apologize.

Honesty Scrap Award

Brent over at Musings: Night/Life in Hell-A gave me the "Honesty Scrap" award. I don't know where all of these awards are coming from, but I'm not complaining. Thanks a bunch, Brent!

I now need to write 10 honest things about myself and then pass the award on to others. Since I always am honest on this blog I am going to think about 10 things that I would not normally say on this blog. Just because I am honest on this blog doesn't mean I put everything out there. I won't put everything out there now, but I'll try to put a few things out there. I'll start with simple things first.

1. I went skydiving a few years ago when my husband and I were dating. It was incredible to throw yourself out of a plane at 13,000 feet. It is an experience I won't ever forget. (OK that was an easy one!)
2. I was served papers the other day. Nope, haven't blogged about it due to being too upset. I have never been served papers before. A policewoman showed up on my doorstep with legal papers from a credit card company that I owe money to. I have always been able to pay my bills until being in a psychiatric hospital for my depression. After being in the hospital I also lost my job and it took awhile to find another one. That was two years ago and I am still financially reeling from it all. I need to claim bankruptcy per various financial advisors and even a bankruptcy attorney. I haven't done it yet because I am a contractor at my job at a place that may let me go if I file bankruptcy. I am worried as well that it will be difficult to find another job that would hire me with bankruptcy on my credit history. If anyone has advice I would appreciate it. I have a few days to contact the company. I still have not because I really don't want to face it all though I really must call them next week.
3. My first memory of life was being sexually abused. I was two years old and my babysitters son who was an older teenager had me going down on him. There have been times in my life where I wonder if I would be a different person today if that had never happened. I grew up thinking that this was normal. I will never forget when I realized that this was not normal. I felt so ashamed.
4. I haven't been doing well this past week. Though I have been able to work from home, I haven't been at work very much. Thankfully, they haven't commented at work about it because I have been getting quite a lot of things done, but still...I need to be at work. 
5. I've gained more weight. I want to lose it. I feel horrible. ugh.
6. I stopped smoking over a year and a half ago but do have a cigarette during stressful times. I haven't had a cigarette in a few months. When I do have them it's like one every few months but I did have one today. My husband was driving me crazy the entire weekend and I've cried more than usual and today I broke down and had one. It didn't fix my problem.
7. I feel that I lack discipline the older I get. I blame that on my mental and physical health. I am tired of being disciplined and feel damn immature saying that. Dying would be so much easier. Really.
8. I received an entire year of free membership to the local gym from a friend of mine and has my fat ass even walked in the door other than signing up? Not at all.
9. I have been having horrible bouts of insomnia lately to where I have stayed up all night for nights on end. It's even gotten to the point that I can't keep up with what day it is.
10. I am not proud of myself. I am a fat ass with zilch self-confidence and I feel I'm not doing anything to help myself. I am constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off to help others and do for everyone but myself and I am damn tired of it. I feel bad when doing something for myself. I need to get over it.

That's it for tonight. Ick, this ended on a bad note and I apologize. I hate myself right now.

In lieau of sending the award to others, I would like to invite anyone to do the same and post the award on their blog if they would like.

Thank you once again, Brent, for thinking of me. It's not your fault that I'm feeling so negative right now. It's just sometimes being so very truthful dredging up things I don't normally even talk about hurts.

Received Another Call Today

I received the following call at work today:

*ring*

Me: Hello..

Stranger: What is the name of your attorney?

Me: What?

Stranger: I need to know the name of the attorney representing you.

Me: Who is this?

Stranger: I am calling from *** to collect payment for a past due bill.

Me: First of all, this is my work and do not call me at my place of employment again.

Stranger: That is fine, ma'am. What is the name of your attorney?

Me: I do not have one yet. I will be signing with one very soon.

Stranger: So you don't have one?

Me: ...

Stranger: That is fine, we are going to sue you for the amount of $*** that you owe our company. Good luck.

*click*

She completely hung up on me. She never gave her name. She didn't leave her number.

I'm scared.

If I could claim bankruptcy right at this moment I would. I have to have these calls stopped. I can't afford the money I need to give to my attorney. I won't be able to afford it until I receive my tax refund. The early part of February is when I will receive it.

Will I be served with papers before February? February is four months away. If I am served with papers before then I will need to hire an attorney and I can't do it until February!

Also, when you are served with papers do they do it at your work? Will a policeman show up here and make me sign them? Do you get them through a certified letter in the mail? How does this happen? Were they trying to scare me and then they'll call again later hoping I'll have the money and drag it out more before getting an attorney after me?

I really cannot stand this. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I never thought that I would be faced with bankruptcy and I certainly never thought I would be wanting to do it as soon as possible.

OMG...what has my life come to?

February Can't Get Here Fast Enough

I'm trying something new today. I'm not posting directly to my blog...I am actually sending it via e-mail. I don't know if it will work and I won't know until tonight when I get home and can check it.

I am very depressed today. I am at work on my lunch break. I just received a call from a creditor. How did they get my work number? I haven't given anyone my work number except for family and friends. I am sitting here eating my sandwich and am reflecting on my life.

I have worked so hard for the past 18 years of my life for what?

To have creditors calling my work demanding money? I have always been able to pay my bills until going into the hospital. Losing my job didn't help either. Prior to the hospital my credit score was 782! Now it's somewhere around 450 - 480.

I appreciate the kind posts from visitors saying to not file bankruptcy. The reality is that I don't have any choice. I've talked with quite a few financial advisors and they all say the same thing. The bankruptcy attorney that I met also said the same thing - I need to do it.

At home I keep my ringer off of my telephone or just unplug it. I can't stand the constant ringing of collectors. Today the creditor said that I need to pay something or "further action will be taken". What does this mean? What can they do? It's embarrassing and scary...and I don't know what to do.

I want to pay everything I owe. I truly do. I can't, though. I am a failure. I'm not saying that for any response. I'm not fishing for people to say "no, you're not!". I am merely stating fact. A failure is called at work by a creditor demanding money. A failure can't pay their bills. A failure can't even afford to pay a bankruptcy lawyer to start bankruptcy proceedings! I wish that I could start it now. I have to wait for tax refund time in February. I don't know if I can wait that long. The pressure is too great.

I am tired. Yesterday after work I went home and cleaned the bathrooms and dusted everywhere, vacuumed, washed and put away five loads of laundry, made dinner (fish and potatoes...it was shockingly good), did dishes, did homework, checked a few blogs, posted a small comment in my blog and went to bed.

My husband and I aren't speaking. I never see him anymore anyway because he is working so much and when we do see each other we can only last about five minutes before a fight breaks out.
I want to cry. It takes everything to not cry.

When will this all end? Why have things gotten to this point? Will it ever get better?

I just can't stand it right now...

Doing Something is Better than Doing Nothing

I didn't go to work today. Thank God it wasn't depression that kept me in bed. I am soooo grateful for that. I didn't go because I am damn tired. I think I've been doing too much. The last two days I've been dragging. Today I called into work and then went back to sleep...until 3:00pm!

It's 7:22pm and I'm tired still. I'm not going to stay up too late. To make up my hours, the following is my plan:

• Tomorrow: Work from 7:00am - 7:00pm (12 hours)
• Friday: Same (12 hours)
• Saturday: Work eight hours

Doing this will get me to my regular 40 hours a week and also have four hours overtime, which will be good.

I'm just going to be tired by Saturday, I can tell.

Sunday I'll need to do homework, wash clothes, clean house, etc.

It never ends.

About the attorney: I met the attorney yesterday and he spent a full hour with me. After reviewing my financial situation and pounding out numbers on his calculator, he said that I would most likely qualify for a Chapter 13 bankruptcy, which means that I will pay a portion of what I owe over a five-year period. That portion is determined by a government software program where he will enter all of my financial data and answer a lot of questions (he said it takes approximately three hours) and the magical number of what I need to pay each month will be displayed.

I wonder what that magical number will be.

Sitting there was a bit surreal because I never expected to ever even consider bankruptcy. In a way I wanted to cry because I thought of the way things have progressed that led me to sitting in that chair (I didn't cry, thankfully), but also it made me feel good that I'm doing something about this hell of a financial situation and though it's bleak and though it sucks and though it makes me feel humiliated, I'm doing something. It's better than doing nothing and having the calls and letters from creditors continue to stress me out. It also stressed me out because I felt embarrassed by all the calls and didn't want to deal with them. I felt even more that I was a failure.

Well, this failure has decided to go ahead with proceedings. It's really the only way out. It will be off my credit report in 10 years. OMG, I will be 45 by then.

In a way I was hoping that I would qualify for a Chapter 7 bankruptcy which means you are basically "graced" from your debt and don't pay back a dime. But then again I wanted the 13 because I did want to pay something towards it. I wouldn't feel as much of a failure if I did pay something.

The irony of it all is that I have to come up with $1445 before I can start the proceedings. I am completely bankrupt, really, and don't even have $384 to get a crown for my tooth that I desperately need (it's starting to hurt and become very sensitive), and I certainly don't have $1445 to pay the lawyer. It looks like I will have to wait until tax season in February and give him the money when I receive a tax refund.

So, I'll have to endure the calls and letters from creditors and hope that none of them place a lien on my house or something between now and then.

*sigh*

At least something will be done, though. I'm hanging onto that thought.

*yawn*

I am tuckered out.

Did too much today.

I can't even hardly type.

All I would like to say tonight is it would be nice if all of you could visit Happy's blog at http://happystill-nomatter.blogspot.com/. She has a nice posting out there about world events and I am curious what all of you think about it.

Today I went to the attorney.

I will go over that discussion tomorrow night.

Right now I need to sleep.

Good night!

Back to School

Did I mention that I am a college student? I attend Strayer University and hope that by the time I'm 94 I'll be able to wheel myself across the stage to receive my degree. Strayer operates in quarters versus semesters, which means that the classes go faster (11 weeks) because you can take more in a year and they are also accelerated, which also means there is a lot of material you cover in a mere week and it's difficult to keep up at times.

So far I have a 4.0 GPA and am on the President's List. It's funny because when I received the first letter from Strayer notifying me that I was on the President's List, the first I thing I did was call my Mom and tell her. I then realized that it doesn't matter how old you are, you still seek approval from your Mom..."Momma, guess what? I'm on the President's List!!"..."Oh, that is so wonderful. I am so proud of you"...*I beam with joy*

Sheesh.

I am currently a junior and seeking a Bachelor of Science in Information Systems degree. I plan to continue school after receiving my Bachelor's in order to get my Master's. I have been in the information technology (IT) field for eleven years and by the time I receive my Master’s it will be 15 years. 15 years experience with a Master's will be great and help financially in the future. Well, at least I hope that it does because I will have a student loan I need to pay.

I am also thinking about getting out of IT after receiving my degree and teaching at a university. I think it's great if a professor can bring real world experience to a classroom. I don't know...we shall see.

Classes started this week...oh my...here we go again. I hope I can make it to December 16th when classes are finished.

On another note I have been very busy. Yesterday I cleaned the house, washed all the clothes, sheets, towels, etc. I also got all of the paperwork I need to take for my appointment with the attorney tomorrow. I even created a spreadsheet that has all of the information of what I owe. I'm very curious about what he will say. When printed, the spreadsheet was 28,198 pages. (Well, OK, it wasn’t that bad, but it was certainly bad enough!)

Today I was up at 5:00am (shocking for me), at work by 6:45am, worked, picked up my daughter from school to take her to the orthodontist, went to the grocery store, got home and put on my sweats to mow the yard and rake. Afterwards I washed HoneyBunny (our dog), took a shower, made dinner, made lunch for tomorrow, did dishes and am now about to go to bed.

The house looks great, the yard looks great, the clothes are clean, HoneyBunny is clean, we have what we need from the store, lunch is made for tomorrow, and I am absolutely and utterly exhausted. It's strange though...just by doing these small things I feel better about myself. It's ridiculous to feel proud because you were able to do what "normal" people do every day of their lives. I used to be a "normal" person and was able to get it all done with no problem. In fact I never even thought about it. Ever since I landed in the hospital, sometimes brushing my teeth is a chore. Silly, isn't it? I honestly don't understand it.

Anyway, I'll just take the good out of feeling successful at these small things, keep my head high and keep going. It would be nice if this continues and I can become "normal" again.

Oh, and one more thing...my husband and I haven't fought. But, then again, I haven't seen him because he's been at work so much. I am grateful that we haven’t fought today and yesterday. I hope that it continues.

Best Thing for Contacts

Do you wear contacts? I do and have since I was 16. I was that kid back in the early 80's (I was 10 in 1981) with the big glasses and plastic, transparent, light purple frames. I remember trying on glasses for the first time and being amazed. I didn't realize that people could see so clearly! I also remember trying contacts in 1987 and being blown away because for the first time I could see perfectly not only straight ahead of me, but also peripherally. I went outside the ophthalmologist’s, I had no glasses to fog up from the temperature change, the sun was shining and I squinted with happiness.

If you wear contacts, you know how it feels when one or both of them get foggy. You feel like you are in a smoky room even as the fluorescent lights of your office or school blare down on you. Sometimes I’ve even had to drive my car with one eye shut because it was so foggy and it messed up my vision more than having the one good eye.

When it gets that way I make myself yawn. That always brings a few tears to your eyes and helps the fogginess for a bit.

Well, today I had no fogginess at all. There was no way that my contacts could get dry because I was constantly about to cry. What hell. While driving I cried a bit and finally on the last street to my house, I had the following conversation with myself:

“Get a damn grip on yourself (I rarely cuss and when I do it’s because I’m upset or angry, though I never cuss in front of my daughter)! You are about to get home and see your daughter and you don’t need to look like you stepped out of an insane asylum. You don’t need to cry. You don’t need to even look like you’re about to. You need to walk in that house and act like everything is fine because it’s not her problem and she doesn’t need to be burdened. GET A GRIP!!”

I got inside the house and got through it. My husband was at work. I was able to clean up a bit and she helped out. I then asked her to sit down with me because she said yesterday there were things she wanted to talk about. She smiled and you could tell she couldn’t wait to spill her guts. She got a dreamy look on her face and told me about a guy she likes at school named Ritchie. She described him saying he had “smoky eyes that change with his mood”, he was “hot”, etc. She usually tells me every day that she has a crush on someone and gives a new name. This is the first time that I can really tell she likes someone. There is just something different about the way she described him. Her face changed when she was talking about him…he wasn’t just some guy to her. Well, I hope he realizes what a beautiful, thoughtful, special, caring and kind soul that she is. We’ll have to wait and see what the future holds with this Ritchie.

Interesting.

We ate dinner, I took a shower and here I am.

And I don’t feel like crying.

Amazing.

Thank God.

The bankruptcy attorney I called yesterday called back today and we have an appointment with him Tuesday at lunch. This weekend I’m going to finish working on all of the paperwork he is requesting to review. I asked him if it cost anything up front and he said he wasn’t sure until he saw my paperwork, but he guessed around $1,200 - $1,500. All I can say is “I’m bankrupt! I don’t have money…HELLO!!!”

But I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to live in the NOW (thank you Linda, I read the book by Eckhart Tolle last year and I need to read it again. It was great and I remember thinking after reading it…who thinks about this stuff? Thank God he did!) Yes, I need to adopt his principles. It would help.

And Linda, thank you so much for your post. It really means a lot. You are so right – my husband is an emotional person and his culture does give him strong feelings about our relationship and how it should be and what his role should be. He told me in the past that he is “a failure” and I told him NO WAY. He feels that he failed with his business and he blames himself about the finances. I blame myself about the finances. Ugh.

We just go round and round.

HappyStill, thank you as well for your comment. Never apologize for a long comment. I love them! You’re right; I need to remember that this is temporary. It’s just difficult right now to think that way. I don’t really care about being “rich”. If anything I want to be rich in my soul. It’s just that going bankrupt and even thinking about it makes me feel like a failure. I’ve tried to think to myself today that going bankrupt doesn’t define who I am. Yet, then I would laugh inside sarcastically and think…but I am bankrupt…in every way possible…in my spirit, marriage, life, financially, in EVERY WAY. Ugh…I will keep trying to think optimistically.

A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo, I’m sorry to hear that your parents fight all the time. When my husband and I fight, he yells and I stay quiet usually. Sometimes I’ve been known to yell, too, but not normally. Last night we were in his studio (part of the house is his art studio) upstairs and my daughter was downstairs in another part of the house on the computer. I doubt she heard anything. At least I hope that she didn’t. Usually if she does she’ll ask what happened. She didn’t last night, thank goodness. Tonight I’m going to visit you and leave a comment there. Thank you for keeping me mindful about my daughter.

If anyone else is reading this, ya’ll need to visit Linda and Her Surroundings, HappyStill and A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo. Great blogs. I look for updates in them every night.

OK I’m signing off. Don’t want to bore ya’ll to tears and I have run out of things to say (imagine that!).

Good night everyone. Sleep well and I am grateful for your postings.

Monologues and Extreme Fatigue

I worked late tonight to make overtime pay and I plan to do that again tomorrow and Friday night and Saturday. I hope that I can get through it.

When I got home late my husband and I discussed our finances, which are in the serious shitter right now and of course he was not able to discuss it, he yelled and screamed and talked on end to where it felt like I was listening to a monologue. I did not get a word in edge-wise. When I did talk, I was interrupted and basically came away with the feeling that it really doesn't matter what I say.

I did try to create boundaries (which they taught in the hospital) and explained after listening to an hour and a half of screaming (which a lot of what he said was the same as what he screamed in my ear at work yesterday), that I couldn't listen to it anymore. I said it very nicely and my voice was never raised the entire discussion. I am just dead tired. And depressed. And it's just too much to go through our reality as it is without him adding to the destruction by the drama and yelling.

When I told him that I was going to go downstairs because my ears hurt, I was tired, worked late and wanted to go straight to bed, he said "Oh well...and I have to go to work tonight! I wish that I could go to bed." He then said, "Well, you married a Moroccan and Moroccans are not stone-cold people that patiently listen when something is wrong. We move our hands and our feet and we yell and that's the way it is. I'm not changing because this is the way I was raised. You should have known that when you married me."

I proceeded to remind him of my parents and how meek and quiet they are (compared to my husband, "meek" works) and how I grew up with them. I remember being younger and my biological father yelling at his fourth or fifth wife (cannot keep up) and I started crying because I wasn't used to all of the yelling and it upset me a lot. I can't stand the yelling now. Nothing has really changed where somehow I built this very thick hide that is impenetrable. If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know! I told him that he should have known how I am when he married me as well.

He said that I had to get used to him acting out like that and I told him that he had to get used to me. He said that he could never get used to me and not react. I then reminded him that if we are in stressful circumstances like that, the worst thing to do is yell and scream because it makes the energy go down to hell somewhere, nothing gets accomplished and people walk away from it heavy in their heart and soul. It’s just not effective.

So...I walked downstairs, took a shower, made my lunch for tomorrow and kissed my child good night. I am now blogging and then I'm going to bed because today has been very full and I've had enough. And when I wake up, it will feel like 20 minutes passed and I'll be dead tired and have to get ready for work again.

I've cried three times at work today. This isn't good. Yesterday I cried as well.

Today I found out that if I didn't make at least one payment on my car that it would be repossessed. That has NEVER happened to me. I was able to make one payment, but had to find a Western Union (never been there) to make a payment so that it's not taken away. I need my car to get to work and make money.

I called the bankruptcy attorney today to no avail. He was not there to make an appointment, but his secretary said he should be in the office tomorrow and to call then. I will call again because I really need to talk with him and explore my options pronto.

Not only was I running to Western Union for the car, I also had to talk with my car insurance agent. I have to make a payment by this Friday or my insurance will be cancelled. I've known the agent for years and he is a very nice guy. He also is my family's agent. I told him that my husband gets paid this Friday and if it would be possible if I wrote a check to go in Friday. He said that he needed it by 5:00pm tomorrow. His office is about a 30-minute drive from where I work and then he asked where I worked. When he found out, he said..."I live about five minutes from there. Let me give you directions and you can drop it off there so you don't have to drive all the way here." I thanked him profusely and went by his house as well and hid the check under a planter. I am very grateful to him because he didn't have to do that!

I have never in my 35 years of living had to run around like that paying money for past due bills! What stress and feelings of failure! And then when my husband sits there and gives an entire monologue on how this affects him and he yells and screams and jumps around and basically tells me that he will leave if we don't sell this house...it's just all extremely amazing. Especially when we started off the conversation very mildly in the first place. I had worked today on a budget from here until November and we discussed it. I asked that we review it every week. He agreed and I thought things were going exceptionally well. Until the monologue. And I love how he tells me hurtful things and then ends it with "I didn't want to tell you that". I said..."well don't!".

He is at work now. I am about to go to bed. I hope that I can sleep. If I don’t stop writing about this, I’ll never stop. I feel like I’m going round and round with the same thoughts in my head. I have to stop writing about this.

I want to end with two things:

The first thing is gratitude – I feel grateful that I was able to pay the car insurance today so that it didn’t cancel and the car so that it wasn’t repossessed. I feel grateful to my daughter who I could tell wanted to chit-chat tonight, but I couldn’t give her all the time she needed because I got home from work late and then had to discuss finances with my husband. I gave her a big hug and apologized saying that it was a not-so-good night for me and if we could talk about what she wanted to talk about tomorrow. I reassured her that none of it had to do with her, that I was going through my own problems and am trying to fix them and everything would be fine. She smiled at me and gave me a hug and kiss and said "OK Mom...no problem. We can talk about it tomorrow." I love her a lot.

And last, but not least, I want to say that I have had good intentions my entire life, but I am a failure. My intentions weren't good enough and in the end didn’t really matter when I look at the mess we are in today.

I failed. As Dr. Phil says, “It is what it is”.

And knowing this just tears me up inside.

Gratitude and Gratefulness

All I’ve done is complain in this blog and I apologize. In a way I feel that I can't help it because it's truly the first time that I can say what's on my mind and not be afraid or worried about what others think. Writing in this blog is very freeing.

Yesterday all I saw was red and black. It was a mixture of pure anger and despair. Life was bleak...and it still feels pretty bleak.

Today my husband called while I was at work and ended up shouting to me on the phone. We are having financial difficulties and have been ever since I was in the hospital and are at the point when we wonder if we should file bankruptcy. Today he was saying that we should file bankruptcy AND sell the house and be done with it. I don't think he understands how I feel about selling the house. Selling the house will disturb me more than he knows because I will feel like it was the biggest punch in the gut from my pal depression. I will feel like I've lost everything since I ended up in the hospital and I am tired of it. I've lost so much as it is.

Tomorrow I am calling a bankruptcy lawyer to make an appointment. This doesn’t mean that we will do it. It means that we are thinking about it and need professional advice. This may sound strange, but I would rather go bankrupt than lose the house. I don’t want to go bankrupt. It’s strange to even consider when I make more money now than ever before. I never, ever thought that bankruptcy was possible for me. Ever. Ugh. We shall see.

OK...now I need to find gratitude...

I am thankful that I have a family who drives me crazy. I am thankful that I even have a house. Some aren't so lucky. I am thankful for having running water and a toilet that flushes and a refrigerator that keeps the food cold. I am thankful for having food. I am thankful for having a laptop to type my feelings out on and I am thankful for an Internet connection. I am thankful for Blogger.com and lastly, I am thankful to anyone who may be reading this.