Too Much To Do In Too Little Time

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can barely breathe. I think that it's anxiety; however, I don't know what I'm anxious about. I'm at work right now taking a small break. It's 7:52pm and I'll be here for quite a while. I've been here since 9:00am and am exhausted.

Today I have experienced emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, and disgust. In order to try and figure out why I'm feeling this way I will dissect each emotion and why I feel it:

Sadness
I thought that I would be relieved when my husband went to Morocco. We definitely needed a break from each other to think things through. I thought at first it would be a nice break and then I would start missing him. What I didn't expect is that I am already missing him. I feel lost without him. Life doesn't have as much sense to it now. I never expected to have that reaction.

Fear
I am afraid that when he returns home things will go back to the hell it was and I don't want that to happen. I really want things to get better in every way. It basically boils down to wanting him to be happy.

Anger
Today I attended a luncheon provided by my contract company. It was quite nice to be there and the food was great. The owner of my contact company is a personal friend who I respect, admire and love. She is a great woman. I've known her a little over five years. She asked how my husband was doing and the discussion invariably went to his art. She loves art and has many amazing pieces displayed in her home. She asked how he was doing in his business and I told her that he is no longer focusing on "making the hotdogs". She thought that his hotdogs were his art! I explained (once again) that what he has designed in homes is merely craft and a way to make money. I reminded her about his fine art and though I didn't show it, I became angry. I wasn't angry with her.

So, why was I angry?

Because I am SICK and TIRED of explaining his fine art to people. People don't seem to get it or remember it. I have firmly believed since I met him that he will be in art history books one day. I have never wavered in this belief. You may equate my thinking to him making a lot of money. It was never about the money. Riches and fame are two different things and they don't always go hand-in-hand. Though we are in dire straits financially I really don't care about him making millions with his art. What I care about is that he one day receives the recognition he deserves.

Disgust
I am a sub-contractor working on a four year project. Many employees I work with are highly arrogant and love to backstab. I refuse to personally associate with many and maintain a very professional relationship. I am sickened at times to see how they interact with each other. It reminds me of five-year old boys squabbling in a sandbox over a toy truck. People here are either on the offense or defense. There is no middle ground. Today I watched someone strut into our area asking why people were talking with each other like he was the CEO. The ironic thing is that if you walk down to his area he is consistently surfing the net.

The company is quite unethical and sometimes charges the client with work they did for another project. They lie a lot. Today I have reached my limit and am thoroughly disgusted. I really want to get out of here because my respect for them has dwindled to nothing.

My dream job is working in California for Google. In the past I have looked at their available positions and I plan to do that again soon.

Ugh...I better get back to work. Too much to do in too little time. I'll be here tomorrow as well, but still...

I also have mid-terms to work on, an outline to write and turn in for my research paper, grocery shopping, washing clothes and cleaning around the house. I hope I can get through this weekend.

Making the Hot Dogs

I didn't cry today until driving home. Imagine that...compared to the last few days it's a miracle.



Tomorrow I have to get up at 6:00am (on a Saturday and I am so not a morning person!), get ready and take my daughter to volunteer at a dog show. She does it all day so after I drop her off I'm going in to work to make some extra money. 42 hours this week so far. Tomorrow I'll make it 50 and it will really help with the bills.



My husband has been working like a dog and has asked to work seven days next week. Whew...and he's on split shifts.



Have we fought today? Yes, once. I've seen him for about an hour and a half. At least we didn't fight for an hour and a half. I'm grateful for that. Tonight he leaves at 10:30pm to go to work all night. I feel really bad for him.

Do you know why I feel bad for him? This is why:

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  He's super intelligent, has a Master's Degree in Fine Art from Morocco (it translates to a Bachelor's in Fine Art with another year of college added on in America).


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  He speaks five languages fluently.


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  He is highly talented and creative.


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  His art is amazing.


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  His art has been exhibited in Morocco, France, Amsterdam, and Rome, Italy.


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  He's been interviewed in magazines, newspapers, radio, and TV in Morocco and France.


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  He was named "Morocco's Young Premiere Fine Artist".


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  He was selected and represented his country in the Biennale in Rome (there is currently a Biennale in Venice, Italy that he would love to be in. He knows artists from Morocco that are in it this year and he is sickened. He said, "To think they are in the Biennale and I am getting ready to go to work at a hotel to work all night. I don't want to know about it because it makes me sick. I should have never moved to America. Someone else should be here, not me."


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  He's just very talented and I feel he is resentful and probably wishes he never married me and became stuck here. I feel like I am the reason why he is so unhappy. Maybe when he visits Morocco next month he won't come back.

Other than his fine art, he has done some crafty-type things. We call them "making the hot dogs", which means he made something to sell in order to try and make money. Below is a "hot dog" he made. It's a sink called "Divas Don't Wash Dishes" and it wasn't supposed to be a hot dog in the beginning. He has an art studio and needed a sink. He went to Home Depot to purchase a sink and thought they were too expensive. He decided to make his own. He had an antique porcelain sink in the attic and decided to build something to hold it. Of course he couldn't make just any sink. He made this one:

After making it everyone told him that he needed to put it for sale. He exhibited it in several places and no one purchased it. It is now sitting in our living room and we use it to store our toilet paper in the bottom cabinet.

You may ask why we didn't install it in his studio. We had a plumber come in to do it last year, however where he was going to put it wouldn't work with how the plumbing of the house is configured and wouldn't pass state regulation codes.

(On a side note, you may notice the stain in the sink. I always wanted him to remove it, but he said that it made it more special and gave it more character.)

Truly, this sink is NOTHING compared to other hot dogs he has made or his fine art. He amazes and astounds me all the time with his creativity and skill.

It is a waste that he is here and I wouldn't blame him if he left.