I haven't posted IN AGES! I'm happy to say that I haven't been in bed this whole time with the dog of depression biting my ass. Things have been very busy with the Master's program at school, a lot of projects to complete at work and I started volunteering at a juvenile prison. I like to think of it as a teen rehabilitation center versus a prison. They have a mentoring program and I am currently mentoring three juveniles (all boys ages 16 to 17). I go after work for two hours on Wednesdays and then four hours on Saturday afternoons. It has been highly satisfying to work with these boys and greatly enjoyable.
I wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and spend cherished time with your family and friends. We will be going to my parents house Thursday and then I have to work on writing a paper that is due this week (what is the professor thinking??).
So far I've lost 105 pounds and wanted to post before, during and after pics below. The last picture was taken a week or so ago.
I promise to start blogging soon. I am very thankful for each and every one of you and hope that you are all doing well! *hugs*
My husband remembered my birthday around 10:30am yesterday. He then brought roses to me at work with a card. It was nice to see him and the roses were beautiful. He also ordered a cake for me which we enjoyed last night.
My daughter was acting like a strange bird yesterday. She never said anything about my birthday and when I asked her about it, she said that she kept remembering it was my birthday and then forgetting and doesn't know why she didn't say anything about it. In the past she has forgotten, but this time to know that she remembered and didn't say anything is very strange to me.
She didn't act like herself yesterday at all. I asked her if everything was OK and did anything happen at school and she said that she was fine. I could tell that she did feel bad about not saying anything about my birthday. It's just so weird the way she acted. I really don't understand.
I'm still celebrating my birthday. I love that it comes right before Halloween. I always squeeze more days out for my birthday every year.
I'm excited about next weekend because my best friends from high school and I are going out for my birthday. I went ahead and told my family that my birthday doesn't end until November 7. :)
Tonight my daughter is babysitting and won't be home. My husband and I both have homework to do, so I think that we will just lay in bed and do homework to get it over with. Tomorrow night my daughter is going to her boyfriends house to pass out candy with their family. My husband and I will be passing out candy at our house. I always enjoy doing that because I love seeing the little children in their costumes. My favorite costumes are the little bumblebee and ladybug babies.
I hope that you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween weekend. Thank goodness the time changes and we get an extra hour this weekend!
It's 12:02pm and I have been up since last night at 10:00pm working from home. I haven't slept since two nights ago and I'm dizzy with exhaustion.
To make a very long story short since my last posting, the following are a few updates:
I had a very busy Christmas and did not have once chance to blog about anything. In fact, I was rarely on the internet except for work. I have so many e-mails waiting to be checked on.
I finished out the quarter at university with A's in both classes. The 10-page research paper was finally completed, C++ programs were written and my 4.0 GPA wasn't compromised...whew! I am finally a senior! Who would think the moment would arrive? I certainly did not.
A girl I used to work with called asking if I would like a one-year free membership to a local gym. She won it at a charity auction and wasn't going to use it. I could not believe my luck while saying I would love to have the membership and maybe this year will finally be one that is full of health and weight loss.
Our Christmas was the best Christmas we have had in years, which was quite refreshing.
Christmas did start with some family dysfunction due to seeing my biological father for the first time in years, but it ended up on a good note (not with him, but Christmas in general).
We have a new dog named Foxy who is my husband's cutie. He is thrilled to have her.
HoneyBunny wasn't so sure about Foxy at first, but they are getting along a bit more each day.
My husband's and my anniversary was December 27. We spent a very nice anniversary with each other. It's been eight years together with six being married. Things have been going better between us.
I got sick this past week and worked from home. Thankfully it wasn't mental illness, but physical with nasty symptoms such as headache/throat ache/fevers/exhaustion/hacking/coughing/body aches/sneezing/etc. I'll take that over mental illness any day. It's been a whole bunch of fun and we weren't able to go out for New Year's Eve because of it. Oh well, better luck next year.
I'm still not feeling great, but am better, thank God.
My daughter's 16th birthday is coming up in January. She is dying to have a special "Sweet 16" birthday. If ya'll have any ideas, please let me know.
Thank you everyone for your support, advice and everything ya'll have done this past year for me. I owe each and every one of you so very much because you each have helped me more than you realize. I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season because you certainly deserve it.
I am finally going to take my poll down. My husband said that he would not go to a hotel to spend the night for no reason. It was good to be able to tell him everyone's feedback. Thank you all for your objectivity.
I will blog more about specific bullet points later. Right now I'm going to blog around and read what's been happening in your world. I've missed all of you!
Oh my word, is all I can say. It's a bit long but the first minute or so is enough to see the display. The house has 210,000 Christmas lights and is located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Can you imagine their electricity bill?
People in our neighborhood had their lights up on Thanksgiving Day. It didn't seem quite right to see Santa blinking in the yard when the turkey was still in the oven.
I thought that I would get up at 5:00am and go shopping for all of the fabulous sales Black Friday had to offer. I did wake up at 5:00am. I took my dog outside. While she walked around the yard I looked out the window into the darkness of night. Opening the door while letting her back inside chilled me to the bone. It was then I decided that it was absolutely ridiculous to get dressed at 5:00am to go shopping, of all things!
I promptly went back to bed.
Around 11:00am I woke up again and got dressed. My husband, daughter and I had a delicious breakfast and then visited the stores to see what was left. Everything was gone from the best sales and I didn't mind a bit. It was much better than traveling by myself to look around at the crack of dawn.
I read an article located at the CNN website about a poor man who opened the doors at Wal-Mart at 5:00am while over 2,000 people waiting outside since the night before surged in and trampled him to death. Was his life worth the $40 saved on a DVD player? Honestly, it makes me sick at times to think about America and its values. I am so happy that I wasn't one of the people surging into Wal-Mart at 5:00am and litrally walking on top of someone in order to take advantage of a sale. I would never forgive myself.
Will Americans learn their lesson? I'm afraid the answer is "No". Next year the newspapers will post the Black Friday ads and all Hell will break loose once again. No one will remember the poor guy who got trampled to death. They will just think about how much money they will save and obviously that will be more important than a human life.
It is 1:00am and I am taking a break for a few minutes while waiting for the pumpkin pie to be ready to pull out of the oven. I've been cooking since getting home around 7:00pm. The kitchen is a mess. I try hard to be organized and keep everything clean while cooking and it was not a successful night tonight trying to do that. After posting this I'll get back in that kitchen and clean like crazy.
I started the night by taking pictures to post on the blog, but that wasn't successful either because my daughter's digital camera went loopy and cut off and didn't cut back on (bad news because it did this even after putting in fresh batteries) and my husband's digital camera battery is dead. So, not many pictures were taken and am a bit bummed by that. I thought it would be fun to post the pictures especially for all of you overseas. I plan to take pictures tomorrow and will post them here this weekend.
Tomorrow twelve people will be eating lunch with us along with my parents, my husband's sister and her family and a friend of my husband's from university. My Mom is making macaroni and cheese and a broccoli salad. I'm making the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes (not out of a box but the real ones), stuffing, three-layer pumpkin pie, squash casserole, peas, french bread, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce. Tonight I've made everything except the turkey, gravy and stuffing. I should get up by 7:00am in order to pop the turkey in the oven in time and we'll eat by 1:00pm. I just hope that I'll be able to get all of the food on the table at the same time and it will all be hot. That is definitely an art that I don't possess. We shall see.
While cooking I was listening to the radio and a song that I loved as a teenager from "The Fixx" played called "One Thing Leads to Another". The first time I heard it was one of the rare times I saw my biological father named Jim. He was visiting his Mom and she picked me up to go to her house so that I could see him (note, so that I could see him because he never visited me). He had the song on a tape in his car and I went nuts. I played it over and over again and begged him for the tape. I remember he wasn't happy giving it to me but did anyway. Hearing the song made me wonder what he was doing tonight. What will his Thanksgiving be like tomorrow? Is he happy? Does he think about me? I haven't seen him for twelve years. The last time I spoke with him on the telephone was approximately eight years ago. I had called asking if we could have lunch together. I told him that I was hoping that maybe we could get to know each other as adults. He actually said, "Well I understand why you would want to see me. I do the same as you. I want to go see my parents because they are a point of reference to me. It is good to see them and project how you will age". I was flabbergasted. He thought I wanted to see him to see how I would age! He said that we would get together for lunch and he would contact me and of course he never did.
I remember being pregnant with my daughter almost sixteen years ago and speaking with him on the phone. As always I had called him. We had a huge spat to the point that I was almost hyperventilating (he and my husband are the only people in this world that have made me that upset) and he asked me, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"
Unbelievable.
I did call him sporadically over the years (maybe twice after that?) and I have to ask myself why did I keep trying to be his friend? Thinking about it all now makes me want to cry. Tears appear but don't fall. My heart falls though. I never understood why he didn't love me or was there for me or why he had nothing to do with me. I blamed myself as a child and always felt rejected because of it. Now that I'm 37 it's easier and don't blame myself anymore. He is bipolar and definitely has issues. I guess I will just always wonder, "What if?" I am curious if he will ever call if he discovers that he is terminally ill or is on his deathbed. I have a feeling that he will not. Why start then? I think I will go to my grave never understanding him. I am his only child with his only grandchild. That doesn't seem to matter to him. I don't think it ever will.
Wow, what a morose conversation at 1:47am. I've been running back and forth to check on the pumpkin pie. It's still too wet in the middle and still cooking.
The video is below. It's quite hilarious to watch because it's so 80's. I wonder what the band members think about that video when they watch it in 2008. They must smile like you do when seeing a picture of yourself wearing some crazy outfit like parachute pants and the Members Only jacket or the classic mullet hairstyle.
I found the following cartoon on the Internet:
I have to say that I never understood why we celebrate Thanksgiving. The intention of Thanksgiving is to give thanks. The American Indians celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and it is because of the American Indians that we learned how to catch eel and grow corn and look what we did to them. That's a lot thanks, now isn't it?
At times I feel it's embarrassing to be an American when I think of certain events that occurred in American history.
I just realized that this post is going all over the place. Let me get it back to the topic, which is giving thanks. At this time of year I would like to list what I'm thankful for below.
I am very thankful for my daughter. She is the light of my life and if it wasn't for her I am sure that I would have offed myself ages ago.
I am very thankful for my husband. Yes, he drives me insane. He has good intentions, though. He has issues like the rest of us and he has really been working to improve himself and our relationship. He has been very good to my daughter over the years. That says a lot considering the fact that he has never had children.
I am very thankful for my Mom. Sometimes she drives me crazy and the more I understand her the sadder it makes me sometimes, but I just need to learn to accept and move on. She is a good mother and tried her best. Sometimes it wasn't good enough, but she honestly couldn't help it. She was adopted by a 50-year old couple who had never had children and weren't affectionate. They did wonderful things for her and took great care of her, but they could be quite cold at times and because of them my Mom was an adult at five years of age, or at least she was expected to act like one.
I am very thankful for my stepfather. He had been previously married prior to marrying my Mom and had three children ten years older than me. He always told everyone that he had four children and always treated me like his own. If it wasn't for him and my Uncle Jimmy I would really hate men, I think. They taught me how to be treated and valued me unconditionally. I am eternally grateful. It was recently Daddy's birthday and he went away for the night and I wasn't able to see him. I ordered a birthday cake and tomorrow after Thanksgiving lunch I am going to put candles on the cake, light them up and walk out singing "Happy Birthday". He will absolutely love it. He loves special attention like sometimes.
I am very grateful that my cousins and I were reunited this past year. I need to write about that sometime. I grew up with them and spent a lot of time with them every summer and over the holidays as a child. I consider them to be the sisters I never had. I love them dearly and am absolutely thrilled that we are now talking with each other, spending time together and being in each others lives. I never thought that would happen and the miracle occurred.
I am so very thankful for my dog named HoneyBunny. She is such a wonderful superhuman and I adore her more every day.
I am very thankful to be able to attend university and finally get my degree one day.
I am very thankful to have a job during these tough economic times. Though I can't stand it most of the time at least I am able to pay the bills.
I am thankful that I made the decision to start the women's boot camp and will be starting this Monday. For once I am doing something for myself and am proud about that.
I am thankful that the store I shop for clothes at had a "buy one, get one free" sale and that I also had a coupon for $75.00 off. I went shopping today before coming home to cook because I just wanted to feel nice tomorrow with a new outfit. I haven't bought myself an outfit in years and am tired of wearing the same thing every weekend. It becomes depressing over time. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It will feel good to put on new clothes. I haven't experienced that feeling in years. I even bought some new pajamas. This is embarrassing to say, but I have three other pajamas that I have worn for eight years now. They all have holes in them in a lot of different places, the hem is gone and they are falling apart. It was depressing to see myself like that night after night. I can't wait to put on my new pj's. I'll feel like a different person.
Last and most certainly not least, I am so thankful to each of you who visit my blog. I am so very grateful for the people who have commented in my blog and have given so much support over this past year. I am continually amazed by the people who lift me up mentally and spiritually through this blog. I hope that you realize what an impact you have had on my life. You have helped me to get better and get through this journey of life. I wish that I could invite you all for dinner tomorrow and you could join me. I just wish that I could give each of you a hug.
I would especially like to thank Linda, Daisy, John Finn, HappyStill and Zathyn Priest. We all found each other when I first started this blog and you all have been so very supportive and empowering to me. I cannot begin to thank you all enough.
I am also thankful that I am able to buy all of the Thanksgiving food and cook it tonight and tomorrow. Seriously, America is in a war (two in my opinion - Afghanistan and Iraq) and you would never know it really. Most Americans don't realize how lucky they are compared to many nations around the world.
To end this post I would like to share some Thanksgiving humor. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate this holiday, I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
I haven't been able to blog for days. I think about it when I'm not able to write and it bothers me. Blogging has been quite good for my mental health and it's an activity I need to do no matter what...kinda like flossing. It's just flossing of the mental state. It's been wonderful to grab that tacky, plaquey debris stuck to my soul and clean it away.
I have the card above and absolutely love it. I actually had quite a few of them and sent them to others over time. I kept the last one for myself. Actually, thinking about it, I have a lot of interesting cards that I would like to put in a book one day. It would be a great coffee table book versus them sitting in a box like they have for years. One more project I would like to do eventually.
Speaking of projects, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is homework galore along with a ten-page paper due a week from today which I haven't had the chance to even start working on. Not only that but I have to work Monday through Wednesday this week and work a bit of overtime since we are off Thursday and Friday for the Thanksgiving holidays.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, twelve people are coming to the house for lunch and I have to have the house clean, get the grocery shopping done and cook, cook, cook. I told my husband and daughter that they are in charge of the cleaning and I will take care of the groceries and cooking. I would much rather clean, believe me. It wouldn't take as long and then I could relax while the cook spent all Wednesday night cooking herself and the food to death.
It will be a good thing, though and I look forward to the holidays. I am just overwhelmed because my personality is the type that I want everything to be perfect and great and I worry that I'll burn something, not do something right or not pull it off on time. Cooking is an art and it's important how you cook and in what order you cook so it all arrives steaming hot to the table at the same time. There have been many times my guests waited quite a while for food because I can't get the knack of it all just yet. Maybe it's a life lesson along with so many other things to learn.
Oh, I lost a pound, by the way. ONE POUND! Actually, though, if you think about it, I lost about six because I had gained weight before when I first started talking about my weight issues. I then lost it and an extra pound, so I can now update my weight goal here on the blog. I am very curious if I'll be updating the goal after Thanksgiving because I gained weight. I'll then be back to 0%! I won't worry about that just yet because it's quite difficult to diet on turkey day.
There is a "boot camp" for women in my area which I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's a very neat concept because the guy who owns the company is a personal trainer who used to be in the Army. I attended boot camp years ago after joining the Navy (though I'm not in anymore) and was in the best shape of my life after they killed us in boot camp. I would go back to boot camp just for that if I had the chance. Since I don't, I'm going to try this program. Basically you go three times a week and he kicks your butt. I need that and really look forward to going. He even goes over nutrition with you. The group size is ten women at a time so the class isn't large. We'll see how this goes. It will be interesting.
Now back to reading about floats, doubles, ints and arrays in my C++ programming textbook.
I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble sipping Starbucks while you are working and I feel just terrible about it! That makes me laugh to say type that. Seriously though, it's a Friday and I cannot believe all of the people who are either not at work or just don't work! What a life!
I wish I was like Linda and could take Fridays off. You are so lucky, Linda! This is sublime!
Today is Halloween and we're going out to dinner to continue celebrating my week-long birthday and then tomorrow night is the Halloween party.
This has been such a delightful week.
Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to check your candy for razors after trick-or-treating stay safe!
I can't believe it, but we actually went out for New Year's Eve. We haven't done that in YEARS!! Physically and mentally I have been feeling better and better over the past month and didn't want to sit home this year. The past two years I don't think I was even awake at midnight. What a joy it was last night to be out and about.
I worked yesterday and didn't get home until 8:00pm. I jumped in the shower and got ready. My daughter was at my parents house. My husband and I got ready and left around 10:00pm. Yes, it was a bit late to go out, but around here things don't even get started until around then. It was VERY difficult to find a parking spot downtown, which is amazing to me because the town is so very small. After finally finding a spot, we went to a new bar and found ourselves squashed between too many people inhibiting too little space. Soon after getting there a fight broke out and we left because it started to get a bit too rowdy. We then paced the streets looking to be somewhere else at midnight. Every place we found either had a private party or required tickets that we didn't purchase beforehand to enter.
We haven't been out in years. We stood in the middle of the cold street racking our brains trying to figure out where to go. We finally had the idea to go to a little bar that we knew would be a fun night, no fights and filled with nice, respectful and fun people. We headed there and found what we were looking for.
The place was introduced to me years ago by a dear friend. For years I thought that my friend was gay. I never asked and he never said. Two years into the friendship I finally asked. He said, "No". I didn't believe him. Six months later we went out together and as we were driving he stopped the car and told me that he was. He said that he was 35 years old and "had always kept his straight and gay world separate". He never let the worlds collide due to fear. If you knew him you would have been so proud of him that he finally told someone. After telling me he took me to a bar and said, "I'm taking you to a bar that I go to. I want you to see what it's like. I don't want you to be shocked because there are guy dancers." I looked into his eyes with a big grin and said "LET'S GO!".
We went inside and I had the time of my life. What got me the most was how peaceful the environment was and how nice the people were. I felt like I was home. At this bar you are accepted no matter what. It doesn't matter what age, race, gender, or religion, you are part of the family and are surrounded by wonderfully nice, respectful, compassionate and fun people. Years ago I took my husband there when we were first dating. He didn't know what to expect and went anyway. He had a lot of fun and we went back several times afterwards. It's been five years now and last night was the first time in a long time. We had a great time again. I didn't see the regulars that I used to see, but other people were there and we had a nice time.
No fights, no problems, nice conversations, great dancing, cheap drinks, and great fun...what a way to ring in the New Year!
Today is Christmas Eve and I would like to dedicate this post to all of the wonderfully caring people who have read this blog for the short time it has existed and who have given me so much encouragement, support and kindness. You all have given me more happiness and joy than you realize. You have uplifted me during my darkest moments and I appreciate each and every one of you.
I hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday season. I also hope that you have an uplifting and joyous New Year.
Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Why does Christmas have to be so stressful? This time of the year is supposed to be a time where you spend with family and friends and be thankful for all of the blessings that have been bestowed upon you. Instead it is a mad rush buying presents, wrapping them, sending out cards, attending events, making a lot of food, and the stress can eat you alive. It's funny because next Sunday I have two family events to attend which means we'll be at one and then have to leave before it's over to get in the car and drive another 40 minutes to attend the next one. By the time I get home that night I'll be dead tired.
I'm a subcontractor at work which means I don't have one work Christmas party, but three! It sounds nice, but currently it feels like a chore.
The Christmas tree is up, thankfully! I still haven't had the time to post pictures. I will as soon as I can.
I feel that writing in this blog for now will be sketchy at best. I'm going to write as much as I can because it has been so good for me and I enjoy it a lot.
I am finally finished with this quarter at school. I ended up with a 98 on my research paper and a 96 for my research and writing class final grade along with a 98 in my UNIX class. Yay! My 4.0 GPA wasn't compromised! :)
I'm going to try and finish my Christmas cards tonight. I certainly hope and pray that I do. I also hope and pray that this time of year is joyful for you and not stressful. It makes you want the season to hurry up and be over, which is really sad and totally against what Christmas is supposed to be about.
The other night my daughter and I had a photo shoot. She wanted to take some pics to send to a friend named Joey. I say "friend" because it's not official, but any day now I know they will be an item. He told her on the phone that he wants to see her when he asks her out because he thinks it is better to ask in person than over the phone or internet. Very true...and very nice. I like it.
My God, I love this girl.
My daughter met this young gentleman on Thanksgiving weekend. She went to a family event and he was there like a star that had fallen from the sky ...completely unexpected. She was HIGHLY relieved to find out that he isn't family and they have been chattering on the phone and internet non-stop since. She has a private MySpace page where only the people that she invites can access her profile. I didn't want the profile to be public after hearing the horror stories in the news and initially assisted her in setting it up.
She picked out this t-shirt and it totally fits her personality and soul.
She constantly gets the laptop and runs to me to show me the new MySpace messages she receives from friends and Joey. It is wonderful that she does this because I can completely know what is going on in her life and with this boy. I can tell that he is a gentleman and I like what I see so far.
When I was her age I was ultra-secretive. If MySpace existed then I would have NEVER shown my parents ANY message. My daughter is completely unlike me in this regard and I am very thankful. I must have driven my parents nuts.
This is her expression when I said the name Joey....(such a googly-eyed girl) lol
She is my heart, my joy, my life, and my lovely daughter. I love her to bits.
Oh, and the tree isn't up yet...hopefully tomorrow.
No Christmas tree. I went home last night thinking that it would be set up and we could decorate it. The tree wasn't set up. It was still boxed away in the shed. The problem is that by the time I got home it was dark outside (it gets dark here around 5:30pm) and the shed doesn't have a light. I searched everywhere for a flashlight and of course I found two but both didn't work and of course I couldn't find any batteries.
I went outside anyway, unlocked the shed and finally located it behind a bunch of boxes. It was in a corner with extension cords piled on top of it and boxes all around it. I tried to pull it out anyway; however, it was so very heavy and there was no way I could do it on my own. Boxes need to be moved from around it in order to pull it out easier but since there are no lights in the shed and things are everywhere, I couldn't move boxes around blindly. I was peeved, locked the shed and headed inside to take a shower.
After taking a shower I saw the backyard light on and the shed door open. He must have gone out there and I hoped that he would have more luck. Twenty minutes later he came to me and asked if I had brought the tree in. I didn't know why he asked me that question since he was just out there, but I told him that there was no way I could do it by myself. I was hoping that he was able to do it and was asking me that question because the tree was inside the house. I went to the living room and no tree. I still don't know why he even asked me that question.
He made dinner. It was very good. I ate by myself in the bedroom. He watched TV and my daughter talked with a boy that she currently likes while eating. Not much of a family dinner, but it was better than having to sit around a table glowering at him and trying to act like everything was OK.
I was quite sad because he knows how important this is to me and I think he just doesn't want to do it. I think this is some type of passive/aggressive game he is playing. I could be completely incorrect. It's just how I feel. Now the whole mood of excitement I had doing this together as a family is gone. I'm just sad now.
Tonight I have an appointment and there is no way I'll be able to get the tree out of the shed and put up tonight.
I think tomorrow I will get to work early so that I can leave early and hopefully get home before it gets dark. I'll then drag it out of the shed, put it up and then my daughgter and I can decorate it. I am going to do my best to get my mood back and enjoy it with my daughter.
It's just that I had this vision of all of us doing it together as a family. Am I being too ideal? Do I have a right to be upset? See, I have realized that over time I question myself constantly when it comes to him and blame myself a lot. It erodes my self-confidence and I am just so tired of it all. Maybe it is my fault. I'm not really sure. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't know.
This morning he drove me to work because he doesn't have his car back from my Dad. My Dad fixed an oil leak for him while he was gone. We didn't speak to each other the whole way. When we got there I thanked him for driving me and asked if he would pick me up at 4:30pm today for the appointment. He said yes. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and got out of the car. I really don't know what else to do. Would you have done that?
I'm glad to have the appointment tonight. At least nothing upsetting will be said or done during that time.
Went to work Saturday. I was very happy because I took my toy poodle named HoneyBunny. She has recently been groomed and is just gorgeous. She has a little bobble in the top knot of her hair that is a dark green and dark red bow. She also is wearing her dark green sweater to match. I'll take pics when I can and post them. She laid on my lap the entire time and napped. I just loved it. That is one reason (out of many) why I would love to work for Google. You can take your dog to work every day there.
Saturday night I was able to visit other's blogs and post an entry of my own! Sunday I worked on my paper and was ready to put up the Christmas tree. It didn't happen.
I have been talking about putting up the tree for DAYS now. It was an event that I wanted my family and I to sip eggnog, listen to Christmas music and decorate together. My husband went to the store to get eggnog and I waited for him to get home. Thirty minutes later I receive a call from him. He got the eggnog; however, he wasn't on his way home! He decided to visit his sister. I was incredulous. I said, "You aren't coming home? I thought we were going to put the tree up." He said, "I'll be home later. What's the problem?"
Ummm...
I don't even need to go further.
He arrived home at 7:00pm. It was too late by then. I very nicely said, "I understand if you don't want to put the tree up if you don't feel like it. Please, next time just let me know and I won't be here waiting and thinking that is what we are going to do." He said, "I got home at 7:00! We could have put it up". I reminded him that the day before I told him I wanted to start decorating around 4:00pm to 5:00pm because it takes a while and I wanted it to be done by 7:00pm. A little later than that would have been fine, but I wanted to put a stake in the ground that we wouldn't go over so that we wouldn't be up all night decorating when we had work and school the next day.
He said, "I don't know what the big deal is. We could have done it."
Ummm...
I don't even need to go further.
He said that he will go ahead and get the tree ready. It is a fake tree with prelit lights. He said that he would set it up and we'll do it tonight when I get home from work. He reminded me that he's not from here and that he doesn't even get excited about holidays in his own country. I told him that if he did get excited and wanted to celebrate holidays in his country that it would be fine with me and fun. All he needs to do is say the word. He said he didn't want to. I told him that just because he doesn't celebrate in his own country doesn't mean that we shouldn't celebrate here. I reminded him that he is now with two people who celebrate Christmas and that we want him to be involved as well. I told him that it's not always about him.
It's a Saturday night and I'm laying in bed with a nice cup of hot Yorkshire tea with a little milk and sugar stirred in and eating a small cookie (or biscuit as they say in the UK) from France. While doing this I smell the aroma of a new perfume I received from my husband's brother wafting through the air. The perfume is from Paris and is aptly named "Paris" from Yves Saint Laurent. It smells completely divine. I love perfume so very much and was happy when opening my present. My husband's brother visited Morocco while my husband was there and gave him a few goodies to bring back to the States for my daughter and me.
After recently going through such a difficult time, you have no idea how tranquil, happy, and grateful that I feel. The blanket of depression has lifted completely today and it's no longer foggy. I feel lighter and more able to breathe. I am no longer swimming underwater. I've been getting better slowly and surely, but today is the first day in almost a month that I feel like myself again. I even put on makeup and did my hair. Before it was a complete chore to brush my teeth! I am so damn grateful.
I've worked the past four days almost 12 hours a day. Today I worked as well. I got through it, thank God.
Tonight I am able to catch up with my favorite blogs and for that I am thankful as well.
Tomorrow will be quite busy. I have to work on the final draft of my paper and hope to have it finished by tomorrow. The deadline was supposed to be tomorrow night at midnight, but was extended to Wednesday at midnight. I plan to get up in the morning and work on it. Afterwards we will be putting up and decorating the Christmas tree together. I plan to play Christmas songs and sip eggnog with my family while getting the tree ready. You have no idea how happy I am about this. Last Christmas was terrible. We didn't even put the tree up for the first time ever. I don't plan to make the same mistake again.
Last year our money situation was dire. We didn't buy any Christmas gifts for the first time. I was terribly depressed about it and cussed myself out every day. I was so depressed I didn't even want to put the tree up because it would remind me of our shortcomings and mess. I realized afterwards how terrible it was to do that. It completely showed how I was all caught up with the mass media idea of Christmas. I forgot about the spirit of Christmas and how the most important gift we had was each other.
This year we can barely afford anything and that is OK. I have set aside some money for my daughter and will really enjoy buying her presents. I will take special care in wrapping them and placing them under the tree. Why would I do that? Because I am so very thankful that I am able to get her something for Christmas. I am so very thankful to be able to watch the smile on her face as she opens her gifts. I am so very thankful that she is my daughter. I am so very blessed. I love her so much.
There is something I realized while writing this post and am about to cry. My daughter will be 15 in January. I have very few years left to enjoy her living with us. I cannot imagine my life without her.
