Gratitude and Gratefulness

All I’ve done is complain in this blog and I apologize. In a way I feel that I can't help it because it's truly the first time that I can say what's on my mind and not be afraid or worried about what others think. Writing in this blog is very freeing.

Yesterday all I saw was red and black. It was a mixture of pure anger and despair. Life was bleak...and it still feels pretty bleak.

Today my husband called while I was at work and ended up shouting to me on the phone. We are having financial difficulties and have been ever since I was in the hospital and are at the point when we wonder if we should file bankruptcy. Today he was saying that we should file bankruptcy AND sell the house and be done with it. I don't think he understands how I feel about selling the house. Selling the house will disturb me more than he knows because I will feel like it was the biggest punch in the gut from my pal depression. I will feel like I've lost everything since I ended up in the hospital and I am tired of it. I've lost so much as it is.

Tomorrow I am calling a bankruptcy lawyer to make an appointment. This doesn’t mean that we will do it. It means that we are thinking about it and need professional advice. This may sound strange, but I would rather go bankrupt than lose the house. I don’t want to go bankrupt. It’s strange to even consider when I make more money now than ever before. I never, ever thought that bankruptcy was possible for me. Ever. Ugh. We shall see.

OK...now I need to find gratitude...

I am thankful that I have a family who drives me crazy. I am thankful that I even have a house. Some aren't so lucky. I am thankful for having running water and a toilet that flushes and a refrigerator that keeps the food cold. I am thankful for having food. I am thankful for having a laptop to type my feelings out on and I am thankful for an Internet connection. I am thankful for Blogger.com and lastly, I am thankful to anyone who may be reading this.

Agitated....

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone that spent the time to put a comment on my blog. It means more than you all know and I appreciate you.

On another note, I cannot believe how agitated and frustrated I am tonight. I feel like I will just spring out of my body and scream until my throat is raw and bloody. I don't know what my problem is and just the fact that I am agitated makes me more frustrated.

I love my daughter dearly. She is 14 years old and in the ninth grade. Lately she is driving me nuts with her lack of wanting to do anything around the house or anything period. She just wants to do what she wants and doesn't appear to care. She is also going through an arguing stage and even when I tell her to stop arguing she tells me that she isn't! I realize that all of this is completely normal for her age, but it is driving me crazy.

When she started the ninth grade, I wanted her to start disciplining herself more and so I didn't give her a bedtime. I was hoping that she would be able to discipline herself to get the rest that she needed. We had a family talk about it and the condition of not having a bedtime was that she had to get herself up in the morning, ready for school and to the bus on time. She also had to get her responsibilities done in the morning, which was to feed the cats and dog and give them fresh water.

From the very start she didn't do a very good job of it all. It even got to the point that she wasn't doing her responsibilities and was so tired in the morning that she wasn't able to even get up. She would turn her alarm off and go back to sleep. I kept giving her chances and kept discussing with her how she can discipline herself. Nothing worked. So, I had to give her a bedtime of 10:00pm on school nights. I was actually quite disappointed because I really want her to start taking responsibility for herself. She only has four years left and then she starts college.

At times I feel like I am trying to cram everything I think she needs to know and do in these last four years.

With that background, I hope that it is understandable that I was exasperated with her tonight because it was 10:00pm and she had not taken a shower or done the things she was supposed to do and was still watching television at 10:02pm! I asked her what the problem was and she said that she didn't have a problem. I asked her if she realized the time and she said that she did, but wanted to watch television. That really got me. I told her that in the future if she wants to stay up later, instead of blatantly ignoring the rules, to talk with me about it. I said that sometimes I will let her stay up later and sometimes I won't, but that the important thing is to communicate. She said, "OK" and we'll see.

That isn't the only thing frustrating me at this point. My husband is frustrating me because I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and he yells any time he wants to blow off his frustration. It hurts my feelings when he does this. It also makes me angry and resentful because it seems to be not allowed if I am frustrated, but it's fine if he is frustrated. He is also too rough at times and when he's playing he physically hurts me sometimes. Not majorly, but it does hurt. When I tell him to stop sometimes he doesn't and that makes me feel like he completely disrespects me. Sometimes he does stop, but he never apologizes. Sometimes, like tonight, he just gets mad. I asked him to come back and he gave me the finger and walked out of the room. That was 15 minutes ago and now the TV is blaring.

I'm not trying to make him out to be a monster. He isn't. He is actually a very passionate person and cares a lot. Just sometimes it doesn't show and I am just frustrated by the constant drama.

Even if my daughter and husband weren't driving me crazy tonight I would still feel frustrated. It's something inside of me that I can't figure out the source and can't fix.

Wow, I just realized that I used some form of the word “frustrated” eight times. I hope tomorrow is better.

HoneyBunny

 

This is my dog named HoneyBunny. Now, the reason that I am showing this picture is because you need to see what she usually looks like. She is a toy poodle and is 5 pounds. She is very tiny, very sweet, very intelligent and I just love her so very much. She has been a wonderful companion to me and we have become quite close over this past year (she is a year and two months old).



When I am depressed, this little angel disguised as a dog sleeps and lays down with me when I can't get out of the bed.



About a month ago she had an operation and the veterinarian said not to give her a bath until she completely healed, which was approximately 10 days. I normally give her a bath and groom her every weekend, but wasn't able to for awhile because her stitches did not heal very well and it took longer than expected for her to get better. She absolutely abhors grooming and doesn't like to even be brushed. Her hair is like cotton candy (or as they say "candy floss" in the UK) and mats very easily. I didn't want to bother her with brushing her because I knew she felt poorly, so she didn't get brushed and over time mats developed. Well, I say over time, but really in no time at all she had mats all over and then I really didn't want to brush her until she felt like it.



Today I was finally able to groom her because her stitches are out and she is able to be groomed. The bad news is that the mats were so bad in some areas that I finally had to break down and shave her with clippers. I was heartbroken to do this because I have been been grooming her for a year and her hair was really starting to get long and she had one of those cute poodle cuts. It has taken forever to grow out the hair on her head, ears and little tail, so I tried to save the hair in those areas.



Now she looks absolutely hilarious...I told my husband that she looks like an '80s rock star and he said that she favors Andy Warhol. This is what she looks like now. Make sure you go to the bathroom first before seeing the picture so you don't wet yourself laughing...



Ta Da!

 

 

 

 

I Don't Know Why...

but I feel a tad bit better today. That is the thing most tiring about depression...it's inconsistency. There have been times where I felt better than ever before and then it hit me and I was thrown down into a dark pit of hell again.

I remember when I used to feel better and would actually think to myself that the depression was gone and I was "cured". Then it would start up again and I would be sad and disappointed about it. Now I'm just so sick of it that even when I do feel better I wonder how long it will be before it hits again.

I am at the point where I actually visualize depression as this thing running very close behind me and I have to run like hell to keep ahead of it or it will bite my butt. And when it bites me, I'll be back in the bed with the covers of despair wrapped around me like bandages on a mummy.

I realize that this is not a good way to think because I am actually attracting negative energy when I'm being negative. However, it's difficult not to think that way when you just continue to get sick over and over again.

My husband and I are doing better. I talked with him last night while he was at his job and told him that I was just tired of it all. He called me back afterwards and told me that he wanted me to feel better and not go to bed feeling badly. Today he has been in a better mood and that is always helpful.

The thing about my husband is that he is so great to hang out with and I love him dearly. It's just the drama that evolves at times really makes me feel bad. It's difficult to walk on eggshells and that is what I do sometimes.

Oh well...I guess that is life. It's like weight and money...sometimes you lose and sometimes you gain. The only consistent thing about life is its' inconsistency.

Background Information

I never see my husband anymore. He just started a job where he works second and third shifts during the week. Sometimes I spend nights on my own while he is on the job and sometimes when I do see him at home he is either sleeping or doing other things he needs to do. I feel like a single mom again and it has been very difficult for me.

Prior to his job, he has not worked a "regular job" for the past five years. He is an artist and we agreed that he would start a business doing what he loved. He is highly talented and it just made sense. I worked a "regular job" and was the breadwinner for the family while he worked on his business. He worked really, REALLY hard for five years and I feel very badly that he was not able to make it a success. He deserves so much more than he received during this time and it just makes me sad.

Last year my depression got worse and worse. It just wouldn't go away and then it became debilitating. I couldn't function anymore and I ended up in an outpatient program at a hospital. Being in this hospital helped me a lot and I feel saved my life due to the therapy and treatments I received while there. They taught a lot of skills to help me deal with depression and I am grateful.

The unfortunate side of this story is that I was in the hospital for six weeks and during that time I had to take FMLA from work. FMLA is a federal law that allows you to take a specific amount of time off from work if you or a family member is sick and is not able to work. Basically, it protects your job. When I went into the hospital, I thought everything would be fine because I always have paid into my short-term disability and AD&D insurance at work. Well, I wasn't fine. I saw an Oprah show a while back where she said that most Americans are a paycheck or two away from bankruptcy. She hit the nail on the head because being in the hospital cost me a lot financially. My short-term disability insurance didn't kick in until the 21st BUSINESS DAY of being in the hospital and it WAS NOT RETROACTIVE!

Isn't that crazy?

Here I am the breadwinner and I missed so much time from work prior to being in the hospital because I was sick in bed and couldn't get up and then six more weeks while in the hospital trying to get the will to live again. That was last summer and I am still reeling financially from the income loss. Hence my husband working. Hence me never seeing him. Hence his sleepless nights and my sadness.

Now that he isn't home a lot of things that he was able to do previously he can't do now and I feel a lot of responsibility on me to get things done. I hope that this is just a transition stage for us both and it gets better.

Now that I have given some background, let me get to the point of this posting.

The point is that I never see my husband anymore and today when I got home from work and finally saw him before he vamoosed to work, he was in a horrible mood and said, "I hate my life" while trying to change light bulbs. I said to him, "Well, I hope that really you just hate your schedule and not your life". He said, "I don't really know and I don't want to talk about it".

Great...fabulous.

Did I mention he is from Morocco? He hasn't been home in seven years and is catching a flight home on Halloween. He'll be gone for a month. I wonder if he'll come back. I feel that he must ask himself the same question.

I hope that while he is gone he will be able to slow down for a while and just contemplate his life. I hope that during this contemplation he will realize how hard I have tried to make a good life with him. I hope that he will realize his life isn't so bad. I hope that he will find compassion in his heart for me because he has already said several times, "I feel no compassion for you and your depression...I don't understand it and I can't support you during it."

Once again...great...fabulous.

I hope that he appreciates me more and I hope that he will just calm down a bit.

It will be good for the both of us if he does.

My Letter to Depression

OMG..when will this feeling of depression go away? I feel like I'm carrying a two-ton load on my heart and mind. I HATE depression...absolutely abhor it. I wish it would just go away.

I haven't been well these past few days. I've been making it to work, thank God...but it's been difficult. When I get home I am down..down..down. I have been making myself get things done like organizing the house, washing clothes, making dinner, helping my daughter with her homework, etc. But why does it have to be so difficult?

If I could write a letter to depression it would be this:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Depression,

I have been wanting to write you all of my life, but I didn't know what to say because you absolutely silence me when I most need to express myself.

I thank you for your companionship throughout my life. I appreciate and admire your consistency and tenacity. Lately however, you are visiting more and more and though I don't want to hurt your feelings, I find this debilitating to my soul and I can't stand your visits anymore.

In other words...fuck off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been diagnosed with severe, chronic, and major depression. I've had depression my entire life and my gawd it will not go away. In fact, it gets worse as I get older.

I just can't stand it anymore.

Feeling Better...

Wow...it's the next day and I'm writing again. I think it's because I made my laptop hibernate last night and all of these windows were still open when I opened my laptop again tonight. Maybe that is what I need to do to remember to write. :)

My headache is gone and I am in a better mood. I really don't know why I'm in a better mood, and in the past I would have not cared and not questioned why. I question myself now because I am really trying to figure out my mood swings. It's like I can go for days and possibly a few weeks with no depression and then bam!!! Depression's blanket is covering my soul and I can barely breathe.

Today I spoke with a friend of mine named Steve. I met him a little over a year ago and it was wonderful to hear his voice tonight.

I also spoke with my Mom. She is going on vacation tomorrow and is in a great mood. I wish I was going on vacation...it's been over two years now!

My husband is home tonight and I'm so glad that he isn't at work. I miss him so much. I feel comfortable when he is home. When he works at night I feel very disturbed and can't sleep at all. I love him a lot.

Today my daughter got her school pictures and they are WONDERFUL! She is such a gorgeous and sweet girl. I love her endlessly.

Tomorrow is work...and I'm going to get ready for bed now...