I Wish My Mind Had a "Power Off" Button

I worked Thursday and Friday 12 hours each day. I worked as well today for about six and I'm tired. After working today I went to the grocery store and came home and put it away, cleaned the kitchen and here I am.

I never see my husband. We merely pass through the house always walking the opposite direction from each other. I get home from work, he leaves for work. I leave for work, he is sleeping.

I never thought it would get to be this way.

My daughter has been staying at her Nana's house this weekend and comes home tomorrow. I'm happy for her because she loves staying there. It's a nice break for her.

Tomorrow I need to clean the house, wash clothes and do homework. I just can't wait.

You know, I just realized that this blog is becoming a sort of "To Do" list. Lately I have been writing either what work I've done or what work I need to do. How freakin' boring is that! I apologize. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I need to get done or what I've already done that it is all I can think about.

Sometimes I just can't shut my mind down and it's tiring.

Too Tired to Write...

I apologize, however I'm just too tired to write. Last night I was up too late doing homework and then today worked 12 hours and didn't get home until 9pm.

I accomplished a lot today and for that I am thankful.

Linda and Happy, I will read your blogs tomorrow night.

I hope that you all sleep well!

Nighty, Night.

Doing Something is Better than Doing Nothing

I didn't go to work today. Thank God it wasn't depression that kept me in bed. I am soooo grateful for that. I didn't go because I am damn tired. I think I've been doing too much. The last two days I've been dragging. Today I called into work and then went back to sleep...until 3:00pm!

It's 7:22pm and I'm tired still. I'm not going to stay up too late. To make up my hours, the following is my plan:

• Tomorrow: Work from 7:00am - 7:00pm (12 hours)
• Friday: Same (12 hours)
• Saturday: Work eight hours

Doing this will get me to my regular 40 hours a week and also have four hours overtime, which will be good.

I'm just going to be tired by Saturday, I can tell.

Sunday I'll need to do homework, wash clothes, clean house, etc.

It never ends.

About the attorney: I met the attorney yesterday and he spent a full hour with me. After reviewing my financial situation and pounding out numbers on his calculator, he said that I would most likely qualify for a Chapter 13 bankruptcy, which means that I will pay a portion of what I owe over a five-year period. That portion is determined by a government software program where he will enter all of my financial data and answer a lot of questions (he said it takes approximately three hours) and the magical number of what I need to pay each month will be displayed.

I wonder what that magical number will be.

Sitting there was a bit surreal because I never expected to ever even consider bankruptcy. In a way I wanted to cry because I thought of the way things have progressed that led me to sitting in that chair (I didn't cry, thankfully), but also it made me feel good that I'm doing something about this hell of a financial situation and though it's bleak and though it sucks and though it makes me feel humiliated, I'm doing something. It's better than doing nothing and having the calls and letters from creditors continue to stress me out. It also stressed me out because I felt embarrassed by all the calls and didn't want to deal with them. I felt even more that I was a failure.

Well, this failure has decided to go ahead with proceedings. It's really the only way out. It will be off my credit report in 10 years. OMG, I will be 45 by then.

In a way I was hoping that I would qualify for a Chapter 7 bankruptcy which means you are basically "graced" from your debt and don't pay back a dime. But then again I wanted the 13 because I did want to pay something towards it. I wouldn't feel as much of a failure if I did pay something.

The irony of it all is that I have to come up with $1445 before I can start the proceedings. I am completely bankrupt, really, and don't even have $384 to get a crown for my tooth that I desperately need (it's starting to hurt and become very sensitive), and I certainly don't have $1445 to pay the lawyer. It looks like I will have to wait until tax season in February and give him the money when I receive a tax refund.

So, I'll have to endure the calls and letters from creditors and hope that none of them place a lien on my house or something between now and then.

*sigh*

At least something will be done, though. I'm hanging onto that thought.

*yawn*

I am tuckered out.

Did too much today.

I can't even hardly type.

All I would like to say tonight is it would be nice if all of you could visit Happy's blog at http://happystill-nomatter.blogspot.com/. She has a nice posting out there about world events and I am curious what all of you think about it.

Today I went to the attorney.

I will go over that discussion tomorrow night.

Right now I need to sleep.

Good night!

Back to School

Did I mention that I am a college student? I attend Strayer University and hope that by the time I'm 94 I'll be able to wheel myself across the stage to receive my degree. Strayer operates in quarters versus semesters, which means that the classes go faster (11 weeks) because you can take more in a year and they are also accelerated, which also means there is a lot of material you cover in a mere week and it's difficult to keep up at times.

So far I have a 4.0 GPA and am on the President's List. It's funny because when I received the first letter from Strayer notifying me that I was on the President's List, the first I thing I did was call my Mom and tell her. I then realized that it doesn't matter how old you are, you still seek approval from your Mom..."Momma, guess what? I'm on the President's List!!"..."Oh, that is so wonderful. I am so proud of you"...*I beam with joy*

Sheesh.

I am currently a junior and seeking a Bachelor of Science in Information Systems degree. I plan to continue school after receiving my Bachelor's in order to get my Master's. I have been in the information technology (IT) field for eleven years and by the time I receive my Master’s it will be 15 years. 15 years experience with a Master's will be great and help financially in the future. Well, at least I hope that it does because I will have a student loan I need to pay.

I am also thinking about getting out of IT after receiving my degree and teaching at a university. I think it's great if a professor can bring real world experience to a classroom. I don't know...we shall see.

Classes started this week...oh my...here we go again. I hope I can make it to December 16th when classes are finished.

On another note I have been very busy. Yesterday I cleaned the house, washed all the clothes, sheets, towels, etc. I also got all of the paperwork I need to take for my appointment with the attorney tomorrow. I even created a spreadsheet that has all of the information of what I owe. I'm very curious about what he will say. When printed, the spreadsheet was 28,198 pages. (Well, OK, it wasn’t that bad, but it was certainly bad enough!)

Today I was up at 5:00am (shocking for me), at work by 6:45am, worked, picked up my daughter from school to take her to the orthodontist, went to the grocery store, got home and put on my sweats to mow the yard and rake. Afterwards I washed HoneyBunny (our dog), took a shower, made dinner, made lunch for tomorrow, did dishes and am now about to go to bed.

The house looks great, the yard looks great, the clothes are clean, HoneyBunny is clean, we have what we need from the store, lunch is made for tomorrow, and I am absolutely and utterly exhausted. It's strange though...just by doing these small things I feel better about myself. It's ridiculous to feel proud because you were able to do what "normal" people do every day of their lives. I used to be a "normal" person and was able to get it all done with no problem. In fact I never even thought about it. Ever since I landed in the hospital, sometimes brushing my teeth is a chore. Silly, isn't it? I honestly don't understand it.

Anyway, I'll just take the good out of feeling successful at these small things, keep my head high and keep going. It would be nice if this continues and I can become "normal" again.

Oh, and one more thing...my husband and I haven't fought. But, then again, I haven't seen him because he's been at work so much. I am grateful that we haven’t fought today and yesterday. I hope that it continues.

Planning Out The Window

If you read my earlier post, I was supposed to be up at 6:00am and have my daughter at the dog show at 7:00am to volunteer. Well, I actually got up at 6:00am. I went to my daughter's room and she said she didn't want to go. We talked about it for a bit and we were both tired and ended up not going.

We both slept in and it was wonderful because I feel better, however I still have to go to work. There wasn't any specific time that I had to be there. I am just going in to work on the project and make extra money. I doubt anyone will be there today. Maybe some developers, but that's it.

I got my daughter up and I'm taking her to her Nana's. It's not her grandmother, but a lady that is very dear to both of our hearts. A is very excited because she loves spending time with her. After taking her there I'll go to work and then pick her up tonight.

In a way I feel bad about not making her volunteer today. She has been volunteering since she was eight years old. She's volunteered at a veterinarian's office, the library, the State Museum, at the dog show she was supposed to be at today, and at an animal shelter. She loves it. The reason why I feel bad about not making her go is because I know she was just tired. I've always tried to teach her that she needs to do what she commits to. Today we didn't do that.

Hopefully all these years of trying to teach her didn't go by the wayside because I didn't make her get out of the bed and do what she said she was going to do.

Making the Hot Dogs

I didn't cry today until driving home. Imagine that...compared to the last few days it's a miracle.



Tomorrow I have to get up at 6:00am (on a Saturday and I am so not a morning person!), get ready and take my daughter to volunteer at a dog show. She does it all day so after I drop her off I'm going in to work to make some extra money. 42 hours this week so far. Tomorrow I'll make it 50 and it will really help with the bills.



My husband has been working like a dog and has asked to work seven days next week. Whew...and he's on split shifts.



Have we fought today? Yes, once. I've seen him for about an hour and a half. At least we didn't fight for an hour and a half. I'm grateful for that. Tonight he leaves at 10:30pm to go to work all night. I feel really bad for him.

Do you know why I feel bad for him? This is why:

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  He's super intelligent, has a Master's Degree in Fine Art from Morocco (it translates to a Bachelor's in Fine Art with another year of college added on in America).


• 
  
  
  He speaks five languages fluently.


• 
  
  
  He is highly talented and creative.


• 
  
  
  His art is amazing.


• 
  
  
  His art has been exhibited in Morocco, France, Amsterdam, and Rome, Italy.


• 
  
  
  He's been interviewed in magazines, newspapers, radio, and TV in Morocco and France.


• 
  
  
  He was named "Morocco's Young Premiere Fine Artist".


• 
  
  
  He was selected and represented his country in the Biennale in Rome (there is currently a Biennale in Venice, Italy that he would love to be in. He knows artists from Morocco that are in it this year and he is sickened. He said, "To think they are in the Biennale and I am getting ready to go to work at a hotel to work all night. I don't want to know about it because it makes me sick. I should have never moved to America. Someone else should be here, not me."


• 
  
  
  He's just very talented and I feel he is resentful and probably wishes he never married me and became stuck here. I feel like I am the reason why he is so unhappy. Maybe when he visits Morocco next month he won't come back.

Other than his fine art, he has done some crafty-type things. We call them "making the hot dogs", which means he made something to sell in order to try and make money. Below is a "hot dog" he made. It's a sink called "Divas Don't Wash Dishes" and it wasn't supposed to be a hot dog in the beginning. He has an art studio and needed a sink. He went to Home Depot to purchase a sink and thought they were too expensive. He decided to make his own. He had an antique porcelain sink in the attic and decided to build something to hold it. Of course he couldn't make just any sink. He made this one:

After making it everyone told him that he needed to put it for sale. He exhibited it in several places and no one purchased it. It is now sitting in our living room and we use it to store our toilet paper in the bottom cabinet.

You may ask why we didn't install it in his studio. We had a plumber come in to do it last year, however where he was going to put it wouldn't work with how the plumbing of the house is configured and wouldn't pass state regulation codes.

(On a side note, you may notice the stain in the sink. I always wanted him to remove it, but he said that it made it more special and gave it more character.)

Truly, this sink is NOTHING compared to other hot dogs he has made or his fine art. He amazes and astounds me all the time with his creativity and skill.

It is a waste that he is here and I wouldn't blame him if he left.