Received Another Call Today

I received the following call at work today:

*ring*

Me: Hello..

Stranger: What is the name of your attorney?

Me: What?

Stranger: I need to know the name of the attorney representing you.

Me: Who is this?

Stranger: I am calling from *** to collect payment for a past due bill.

Me: First of all, this is my work and do not call me at my place of employment again.

Stranger: That is fine, ma'am. What is the name of your attorney?

Me: I do not have one yet. I will be signing with one very soon.

Stranger: So you don't have one?

Me: ...

Stranger: That is fine, we are going to sue you for the amount of $*** that you owe our company. Good luck.

*click*

She completely hung up on me. She never gave her name. She didn't leave her number.

I'm scared.

If I could claim bankruptcy right at this moment I would. I have to have these calls stopped. I can't afford the money I need to give to my attorney. I won't be able to afford it until I receive my tax refund. The early part of February is when I will receive it.

Will I be served with papers before February? February is four months away. If I am served with papers before then I will need to hire an attorney and I can't do it until February!

Also, when you are served with papers do they do it at your work? Will a policeman show up here and make me sign them? Do you get them through a certified letter in the mail? How does this happen? Were they trying to scare me and then they'll call again later hoping I'll have the money and drag it out more before getting an attorney after me?

I really cannot stand this. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I never thought that I would be faced with bankruptcy and I certainly never thought I would be wanting to do it as soon as possible.

OMG...what has my life come to?

Did I Ever Mention The Hole In My Head?

I am very tired today. Last night I wasn't able to sleep very well and my husband and I ended up talking until around 3:45am (and when I say talking, I do mean only talking). We laughed a lot and it was really nice. We used to do this all the time years ago and he called those warm moments in the dark "slumber parties". We would be dragging around the next day dead on our feet, but we were happy.

I told him last night right before he went to sleep that I didn't care how tired I would be today because it was well worth it. He agreed.

This morning I had to be up at 6:00am to be at the dentist by 8:00am. I think that even after my husband fell asleep I slept very lightly because I was scared to miss my appointment. I was very happy to go to the dentist because I was finally going to get the crown that I needed for my tooth. I've never had a crown before and wasn't looking forward to the drilling, but I didn't care because the hole in my head would finally be fixed.

Months and months ago my dentist told me that I needed a crown. He warned me saying that if I waited to do it that it would start hurting and then I might need to have a root canal. I put it off because I didn't have the money. I got to the point where I couldn't put it off any longer because it hurt and became sensitive when eating and drinking hot/cold things. I still didn't have the money and was trying to figure out what to do. My Mom called me last week and asked if I had gotten my tooth fixed. I told her no and she said that she would send money to pay for half of it. I was so thankful. With her paying for half of it, I would be able to get it done. I could give the dentist the money she gave me to pay half of it now and then pay the other half when I went back to get the permanent crown. That would give me another month to save money for it.

When I arrived at the dentist they said that they wanted to take an x-ray of my tooth prior to working on it. After taking the x-ray the dentist said he couldn't do the crown today because he needed to refer me to another dentist to get an evaluation to see if I needed a root canal. He said that the root pulp of my tooth is damaged now and I may need one. It was so embarrassing, but I just looked at him and couldn't help crying. Tears started to fall and I tried to stop, but that made it worse and I cried more.

I couldn't believe that my dentist didn't do root canals and that he was going to refer me to someone else. Even though he warned me that this could happen, I was hoping so much that I wouldn't need a root canal in the first place! This will cost even more money.

The dentist they referred me to is on vacation this week. He is busy when he gets back next week and doesn't have an opening until November 6, which is two weeks away. That appointment is only an evaluation which means I will need to pay him $60 for the appointment to find out if I need it. If he says I do, I will then have to schedule another appointment to get it done. Who knows when that will happen. My tooth is hurting as I type this and I am sad to wait that long.

I cried in my car all the way to work because I don't know how I will come up with the money for the root canal. I didn't know this about root canals, but basically you get the root canal and then have to get a crown on top of it which means I still need to pay for the crown, but now there is an added cost for an evaluation and the root canal.

My Mom gave me $200. I am going to have to come up with at least $400 to $500 more.

I really don't know how I'm going to do this.

One Suitcase From My Emotional Baggage Is Gone

I had a very nice day yesterday. I finished my homework Saturday and didn't have to hurry up and get it done yesterday, which was nice. My daughter's grandparents flew in from Spain and she stayed the weekend with them and her Dad and his wife and son (his wife's son from a previous relationship).

Let me give a little background so there's no confusion.

After graduating high school YEARS ago I went to university. I was only attending the university for a year and decided to go into the Navy. (That was THE DUMBEST decision I could have made, by the way, but if I hadn't done it I wouldn't have my daughter, so I don't regret). While in the Navy I lived in Scotland for two years. While living there I met M (my daughter father) and we married. M was in the Royal Navy (British Navy) and was a submariner. He is from England. I was only 20 at the time and was SO in love. Actually, he was the first person I had ever felt deep feelings for (well, the deepest feelings I had ever experienced at the very young age of 20) and was completely smitten. While dating I found out that the base I worked at was going to be decommissioned and I would be stationed somewhere else. We couldn't stand the thought of never seeing each other again, so we married. If we were more mature at that time we would have realized that we could have still dated even if I moved. We weren't mature, though. :)

We were married in England when I was 20 years old and he was 22. While in Scotland I became pregnant and will never forget how I found out. I had missed my monthly and felt tired and worn out for weeks. M's mother told me that I must be pregnant. I didn't believe her. Finally, I went to a store to buy a pregnancy test. M was with me and we stopped at a McDonalds to take it because I couldn't wait to get back to the British Navy base. I asked the cashier for a cup and went into the bathroom to take the test. You knew if you were pregnant if the test result window displayed a pink plus sign (+). I sat very still in the McDonald's bathroom and stared until the result displayed. It didn't take long to show a pink + and the pink was more of a hot pink. I felt like the test was screaming at me with color letting me know I was pregnant.

I was shocked.

I couldn't believe it was that fast. I didn't know what to do. I left the bathroom and went to M. I couldn't talk. I just gave him the test so he could see the results for himself. He was overjoyed! I was numb. While walking outside to get back to the car it was raining (as it usually does in Scotland) and he actually picked me up so I wouldn't walk over a puddle while giving me a hug.

When I look back I feel very sorry for my parents. Just imagine…one week I call from Scotland to tell them that I'm getting married and then only a few months later I am telling them that I'm pregnant. They hadn't even met M yet!

I sincerely hope that my daughter makes better decisions than I did.

To make a very long story short, my base decommissioned, I was sent to the States, M's paperwork for his green card was still being worked on and he couldn't go with me. He got out of the Royal Navy and lived with his parents while waiting for his paperwork to go through. I found an apartment for us, moved in, got what we needed for it, and then became sick with toxemia. I kept going into labor and had to go to the Naval Hospital to get shots to stop the contractions even though I was six months pregnant. I swelled up with so much water I turned into a tomato and was immediately put on bed rest.

I was so depressed in the apartment alone. I was horribly sick and wanted M to be there. I was scared that he wouldn't be there for the birth, so I wrote my senator and explained my situation. Unbelievably, his staff contacted me and said they would get him to the States. In only two months they flew him over and I was thrilled. He was there for our daughter's birth, thankfully.

I decided not to reenlist when my time was up in the Navy and we moved to England. After living there for a year and a half we realized that the economy was not getting any better and it was very difficult to get good work, so we moved back to the States.

We were together for six more years. Things turned bad. I didn't want a divorce and kept working on the marriage. I come from a divorced family and didn't want that for my daughter. I thought it would be best if we stayed together no matter what. In all actuality, it would have been better if we divorced when she was only three because I don't think it would have hurt her so badly.

I'll never forget when he left. I was on the couch crying and he took off his wedding ring and put it on the table before walking out the door. Our daughter stood there very stoically and didn't cry one tear. She closed the door behind him and turned to look at me and said....

"Well, Momma...it's just you and me now."

She then went to the sink and got me some water and a paper towel and brought it to me. She wiped my tears and told me to drink the water because it would make my throat feel better and help me not to cry. She said that it was something that always worked for her. It was only four days after her sixth birthday.

I never thought I would marry again. I was happy to be with just my daughter...and then I met my current husband. I took it much slower with him and we dated for two years before marrying. We'll be married five years this December.

M remarried about two years after our divorce. I'll never forget when he told my daughter and me. We were amicable after the divorce and he would even ask advice about dating. He had met an older woman named T (she is 14 years older) and they had just started going out. Three months had gone by and he arrived on our doorstep to let us know they were getting married. I remember looking at him and asking..."Do you need to get married so soon? You just met each other!". He said that they had to get married and he couldn't wait. I said "Do you think three months is long enough?" And he said..."Well, it's better than us!" (By the way, M and I were engaged only one month after meeting. I told you that we weren't mature...). Then I said, "And look what happened!".

He got married and is still married today. He is now 38 years old while she is in her 50's. He complains to me at times that he is becoming a monk because she is a "nun" with her menopause. That is way too much information for me, but he has always been quite blunt. He's not very happy in his marriage and I sometimes think that he is waiting for our daughter to graduate so that he can move back to England. We shall see.

Back to my original story...yesterday.

His parents flew over from Spain to stay with M and his wife. They are from England, but retired and built a house in Spain. They float back and forth between the two countries. When I picked up my daughter yesterday M's mother went with us to spend some time together. She loves to shop so we went to the mall. We got a coffee from Starbucks (I haven't had a coffee in SO long and enjoyed it SO much) and chatted for a bit. Afterwards we looked around the shops and then I took her back to M's.

It was wonderful to spend time with her. I could tell my daughter was happy that we were having some "girl time" together because she didn't stop smiling for four hours. You see, after M's and my divorce, his family stopped speaking with me. When I did see them from time to time when they visited the States it was always very strained and felt so weird. I would call them in England and you could tell they didn't want to talk with me. I felt bad about this for years.

Yesterday was the first time since the divorce that things weren't strained and were completely natural. I could tell that she was happy to visit with me and we talked about a lot of things. At one point she said that my daughter was a credit to me and that I have done a wonderful job raising her. Sometime later she said, "I love you". I can't even begin to describe how that made me feel.

You see, I have always wanted a relationship with them even though M and I divorced. I think it's important to retain a good relationship - especially for my daughter. The fact is that I never divorced them. I was hurt for years that they didn't want to talk with me. I look back at it now and think that they just didn't know how to act. They felt uncomfortable. M's parents have been married 38 years. They married when she was 16 years old and pregnant with M. Not many people in their family have divorced and it is something foreign to them.

That is why yesterday was so very special to me. I think they feel comfortable now and I no longer have to feel bad about it. It's a really nice feeling.

They are leaving Wednesday to drive down to Florida. They are meeting M's sister, husband and kids at the airport when they fly in from England Thursday. Friday my daughter is going with M and his wife to Florida to spend the weekend. She is excited to spend time with her family and visit Disney. Her grandparents always go to Disney (almost once a year!) and she has been there so many times you would think she'd be bored to go. My daughter is leaving again with M to go down to Florida in three weeks, which is the last weekend his parents will be in the States before flying back home. It will be nice for her to spend time with her grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins.

Yesterday I felt that a load I've been carrying for years was lifted.

I am so grateful.

Thank God the Blanket is Lifting

I'm feeling better today. The dark, heavy blanket of depression is lifting from my soul. I feel it physically. I don't know why it is lifting. I rejoice when it starts its ascent away from me.

When it descends or ascends I wrack my brain constantly on why. I try to figure out the trigger. I feel that I can prevent it from happening again if I know the trigger.

It is so strange because I can physically feel the depression before it takes its complete grip of me and when it is leaving me. I am so curious if others have experienced the same.

Thank God I am feeling better. In one sense I don't want to question why because I'm scared to tempt fate and bring it back again. However, I do question and no answer ensues.

Yesterday I worked 12.5 hours and today I plan to work 12. At least it didn't affect me financially this time. It's a lot of hard work catching up and I am completely tired of it all.

"I Don't Know What Your Problem Is"...Neither Do I

I'm at work today. Thank God is all I can say. I don't want to lose more days at work. I've missed too much as it is.

This morning it was HIGHLY difficult to get out of bed and come in. It took all of my willpower to do it. I felt so bad...so down...so YUCK. My husband kept telling me to get up. I finally did.

Before he left this morning he was picking on me and I was not very nice while saying "stop it". He looked at me and said "I don't know what your problem is". I just looked at him. I said "I don't feel well. Isn't it OK that I don't feel well sometimes?" He didn't say anything. I then said, "Don't you know me well enough by now to know what's wrong?" He said "No" and walked away.

He left the house.

I felt worse.

That is a bone of contention in this marriage. I don't understand why it's OK for him to not feel well, to rant and rave around the house when he is frustrated, angry, and mad; however, if I don't feel well, it seems to be not acceptable. It's like "What's wrong with you? Snap out of it!"

It makes him feel angry.

Why?

Sometimes I just wish he would come to me and give me a hug and say "I'm sorry that you don't feel well. I love you". Is that so difficult? Obviously it is.

The funny thing is that I feel worse because of the way he acts about it. I feel guiltier about having depression. I feel more abnormal. I feel that there is something I can and should do to "snap out of it", but I don't know what it is.

Sometimes I even feel that really I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy. I feel that it's all my fault and that really nothing is wrong with me. I feel like a terrible person.

I'm at work right now trying to work. It is very difficult. I'm very glad to be here. Anything is better than sleeping in the bed completely tired out because I'm so depressed. Anything is better than to see the look in my husband's face seeing me down like that.

My depression is what got us into the financial mess we are in. I am the breadwinner. I have paid the bills for the last five years while my husband tried to make his business work. Unfortunately for him it didn't work. We were still OK financially. But, I got sick...I was out of work...I was in the hospital for six weeks...No money meant I couldn't pay the bills, and on it went.

I've worked so hard my entire life for what? To feel this way and watch my life fall into shambles around me? I don't want this, who would want this?

The worst thing is that even when I feel sick I can't afford to be out of work. I have no right to be sick. That is what makes me angry is that I have no right to be sick neither financially or with my husband. He just gets so angry.

His anger compounds the problem and when I think I can drop no further, more space opens underneath me and the faster I fall. I still haven't figured out what happened to feel this way. I have wracked my brain and I just don't know.

It's funny because I was thinking last night that if you are diagnosed with a physical ailment such as diabetes, cancer, etc, and you have a day where you don't feel well, you can say "I don't feel well because I have diabetes, or I have cancer, etc". But it doesn't seem acceptable to say "I don't feel well because I have depression". If I experience a day where I mentally don't feel well I have to find some reason, some trigger. I think it could be possible that there isn't a trigger every time. I think it's possible that you can have a day when you aren't doing well.

I wish my husband would love me no matter what. I wish he would show his love to me in my darkest moments. I wish he accepted me. I wish he felt empathy towards me.

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My husband just called me at work. He asked what is wrong and he listened. He really didn't know what to say. He listened to me and I appreciate that. It's embarrassing to tell him that I'm depressed because I know that he doesn't understand. I feel worthless when I tell him.

He said today that me talking about feeling depressed is like speaking another language that he doesn't know. He said it's like him speaking Arabic to me...I don't understand him. When I talk with him about depression, he doesn't understand me.

I understand that he doesn't understand. I get it. I don't expect him to understand. Sure, I wish that he understood, but he doesn't and that is OK. I only wish that he didn't react the way he does to it. I don't think he can change that.

He said it may be better if he lived in an apartment and we saw each other on the weekends. Maybe that would be better. I really don't know. All I do know is that it makes me sad to hear him say it. I know that he loves me or he wouldn't care enough to even call me at work to talk about it.

I just feel very lost and don't know what to do.

All I do know right now is that I must get work done. If I am at least successful in that, possibly that will help me to feel better.

I really don't know, but as always I will try.

It's Happening Again...

Depression is wrapping it's tendrils around me again and I don't know why. It's difficult to talk or even write when I feel this bad. When depression hits it's like a very heavy blanket wrapping itself around my body and soul. I feel its heaviness physically. I feel horribly tired. I feel that my face is cement and I can't smile no matter what. I feel like my soul is bleeding and I can't stop the flow. I feel terribly lethargic and dead. I feel like I will never stop feeling this way. I hate this feeling and I want it to stop. I feel like it's my fault that I feel this way. I feel like no matter what I do to change my life it will never go away. I feel the older I get the worse it gets.

It is very scary.

Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I can't even begin to express how I feel.

I didn't go to work today. For one I am very tired and two, I just can't concentrate feeling like this. My job demands concentration and it's not one of those jobs where you can just sit around for an hour here or there because every minute is counted. Everything is tracked by Microsoft Project and I have so many hours assigned to me for each task I am performing. Therefore, if I have 20 hours assigned to get a task done and I can't concentrate well or get it done, then it displays in black and white for everyone to see that I went over in my hours. It is then that people will start asking why I didn't get some task done in the time allotted.

Because of my personality I feel that I have to do a great job no matter what. Being a contractor makes me feel pressured in getting things done prior to when they are due. A combination of the two isn't really good because I pressure myself to work like a dog to get things done perfectly. I don't take breaks during work, and I eat lunch at my desk. That means that I work from the time I walk in the door until the time I leave except to go to the bathroom.

I'm always scared of losing my job because I'm a contractor. Not being at work doesn't help, though.

I have felt bad all week physically. Last week I felt that I had a UTI and went to the doctor last Friday night after work to discover that I have a bladder infection. I took antibiotics, but Monday and Tuesday it still hurt and I've felt like crap. Monday I missed work because I didn't feel well physically. Yesterday I went into work and now today I am missing work again. This time it's more because of feeling mentally sick versus feeling physically sick.

I hate this.

I just want to cry when I'm awake or sleep and never wake up.

My husband is at work right now which is a good thing. I'll be asleep by the time he gets home. He doesn't need to see me like this. He just gets upset and mad anyway about it, which isn't helpful to either of us. I feel guilty enough about it as it is.

My Dad Loves Spam

My Dad LOVES to forward e-mail to everyone on his list. Sometimes I open my e-mail account and find 10 or 12 e-mails forwarded from him and that is in only ONE day. The next day can be the same amount or more and before you know it my inbox is chock-full and I get antsy wanting to clean it out.



In the past I always read everything he sent. Not reading the e-mails made me feel disrespectful towards him and I didn't like the feeling. I would keep the e-mails until I had time and that worked for a while; however, it got to a point once where I didn't have time to read the e-mails over a few days and had over 100 waiting for me to read. So, I deleted all of them. It was difficult and I felt terrible.



Even though I didn't want to disrespect him, I felt a little disrespected. Didn't he realize that I wasn't retired like him and didn't have the time to look at them all? Didn't he realize that the e-mails would clutter my inbox and make me feel like reading them was one more responsibility I had added to my day? In all actuality, I felt spammed.



One day I realized that I had NEVER received an e-mail from HIM. They were all forwarded from someone else! That is the same day I realized that it was OK if I didn't read them all.



Today I received several forwards from him and I had time to read them. In comparison to what he has sent in the past, I felt one was the "Cream of Spam". Reading the following made me think of everyone who reads my blog and leaves comments:

The Whale

If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, and a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her...a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them. Pushing gently around, she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.

And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

That is what I feel towards everyone who takes the time to not only read my dribble, but also expends the effort in leaving a comment. Some of the comments have been so uplifting to me and I feel so grateful. I do feel very weighted down by what's going on in my life. I definitely feel tangled and gnarled and sometimes I feel that there is no possible way to stay afloat. Sometimes I want to drown. Reading your comments has helped me to feel free and I thank you.



This posting does not by any means come close to expressing what I'm trying to say. You see, I really have no one to talk to about the way I feel. I can't talk with my parents for various reasons (one is that they will be very judgmental of my husband and it doesn't help the situation). I haven't been able to talk with my husband about the way I feel because he is very stressed out with his job and our financial situation and every talk ends in a fight. I don't tell people I know what's going on either.



As I've previously posted, blogging has been so freeing for me. I feel a lot better getting this stuff out and on top of that there are actually people reading what I feel and commenting on it.



Thank you, thank you everyone. I hope that you can feel my gratitude.