The Picture is NOT What You Think!

Tonight was a great dinner filled with fabulous food and incredible conversations with sweet people. The talk centered around art, art, art while our taste buds focused on stuffed grape leaves (as pictured...the picture actually reminds me of something else like...fecal matter...but it certainly tasted good!), shrimp with rice, French bread with hummus and a cheesy spinach dip. The meal was then finished off with Moroccan mint tea.



My daughter is in a club that backpacks once a month to different areas around and outside the state and two members of this club and their mother visited us this evening. The two members are siblings named Ian and Marian. Ian is a senior in high school while Marian is a sophomore. They are both very artistic and we enjoyed viewing their sketches and portfolios. Since my husband is an artist they had many things to talk about and it was a night filled with three artists sharing their thoughts, ideas, and experiences. It was nice to see my husband chatting with them because I could tell they really looked up to him and got excited about their work. They couldn't wait to get home and work on their art after talking with him. He really got them juiced up!



My husband is about to go through the selection process at the university for the MFA (Master of Fine Arts) program. He is in the midst of getting his application completed along with readying his portfolio and other required documentation. I know that he will be selected to attend in the fall. He will also apply to be in the assistantship program and I truly hope that he gets it. He has been trying for so long to make money and it's been difficult for him to find work. His skills and experience are so highly specialized towards the art field. A few months ago he was looking everywhere for a job and even the Olive Garden turned him down! They said that he didn't have any experience and my first thought was, "Do you have to work at the Waffle House first"?



All of this just kills me when I think about how highly educated and talented he is and not only that he knows six languages! This area hasn't been very sparing with jobs for him. He is going to start January 15 in giving oil painting classes two nights a week. In February he will give watercolor classes and then acrylic painting classes in March. He is quite excited about that. Finding a full-time job has been difficult, though.



He wants to be a professor, which is why he is pursuing a MFA. He is a natural teacher and I know will be a good one. By the way, (and on another note!) he has been much better. He hasn't yelled or screamed lately. He has been treating me very well. I was sick the other day and he made lunch and completely took care of me. I am so very thankful. Things have been getting better. I can tell that it definitely helps my mental mood and attitude. I continue to feel better and better. I have to also say that it was rough when he got back from Morocco. I didn't talk about it much here, but we were even talking about divorce at one point. For the first time in my life I did a very good job of not getting caught up in his moods. I also didn't hold myself accountable for his unhappiness. I also told him that I won't put up with it anymore. I told him that I deserved to be treated better. All of this definitely seemed to help. It can still be difficult at times.



It's just...I refuse to ride the roller coaster anymore. Thank you, God!

HoneyBunny Going Wild on New Year's Eve

The above video was taken at 3:14am on New Year's Day. We had gotten back from going out for New Year's Eve and HoneyBunny was SO HAPPY we were home. We piled in the bed with HoneyBunny between us and she decided that she wanted to play. I couldn't help but take the opportunity to capture the moment. The video quality is a bit poor due to it being taken from a cell phone, but it's good nonetheless.

My Dad has a Yorkshire Terrier named Cajun. Years ago I purchased him from a breeder in Louisiana and his actual name is "Ragin' Cajun". The dog was supposed to be ours, but he became very attached to my Dad. After awhile I gave Cajun to my Dad and they have been inseparable ever since. Watching Cajun and my Dad is just sickening. They are so very close and Cajun is so very spoiled. I could never understand what it felt like to love a dog like that. Everywhere you see Daddy you see Cajun and vice versa. Daddy holds him all the time and will at times have a silly grin on his face as he holds him. The grin comes from the love he feels for that old dog.

Last year I bought a toy poodle named HoneyBunny for my daughter's birthday. I made sure not to show any attention to HoneyBunny because I wanted my daughter and her to form a bond. The dog followed me around everywhere. I couldn't seem to get away from her. My daughter didn't spend as much time with her as she should and finally I broke down and started petting her. Before I knew it the love bug bit me.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I love this dog. She is my daughter as well. HoneyBunny follows me everywhere I go and we are now inseparable. I love holding her and I find myself wishing she could go everywhere with me. I was even thinking that I wish she could be out with us on New Year's Eve. (Now remember that this is coming from someone who would get sickened watching Daddy spoil Cajun absolutely rotten.)

I finally understand it now and wouldn't have it any other way.

How Did You Ring in the New Year?

I can't believe it, but we actually went out for New Year's Eve. We haven't done that in YEARS!! Physically and mentally I have been feeling better and better over the past month and didn't want to sit home this year. The past two years I don't think I was even awake at midnight. What a joy it was last night to be out and about.



I worked yesterday and didn't get home until 8:00pm. I jumped in the shower and got ready. My daughter was at my parents house. My husband and I got ready and left around 10:00pm. Yes, it was a bit late to go out, but around here things don't even get started until around then. It was VERY difficult to find a parking spot downtown, which is amazing to me because the town is so very small. After finally finding a spot, we went to a new bar and found ourselves squashed between too many people inhibiting too little space. Soon after getting there a fight broke out and we left because it started to get a bit too rowdy. We then paced the streets looking to be somewhere else at midnight. Every place we found either had a private party or required tickets that we didn't purchase beforehand to enter.



We haven't been out in years. We stood in the middle of the cold street racking our brains trying to figure out where to go. We finally had the idea to go to a little bar that we knew would be a fun night, no fights and filled with nice, respectful and fun people. We headed there and found what we were looking for.



The place was introduced to me years ago by a dear friend. For years I thought that my friend was gay. I never asked and he never said. Two years into the friendship I finally asked. He said, "No". I didn't believe him. Six months later we went out together and as we were driving he stopped the car and told me that he was. He said that he was 35 years old and "had always kept his straight and gay world separate". He never let the worlds collide due to fear. If you knew him you would have been so proud of him that he finally told someone. After telling me he took me to a bar and said, "I'm taking you to a bar that I go to. I want you to see what it's like. I don't want you to be shocked because there are guy dancers." I looked into his eyes with a big grin and said "LET'S GO!".



We went inside and I had the time of my life. What got me the most was how peaceful the environment was and how nice the people were. I felt like I was home. At this bar you are accepted no matter what. It doesn't matter what age, race, gender, or religion, you are part of the family and are surrounded by wonderfully nice, respectful, compassionate and fun people. Years ago I took my husband there when we were first dating. He didn't know what to expect and went anyway. He had a lot of fun and we went back several times afterwards. It's been five years now and last night was the first time in a long time. We had a great time again. I didn't see the regulars that I used to see, but other people were there and we had a nice time.



No fights, no problems, nice conversations, great dancing, cheap drinks, and great fun...what a way to ring in the New Year!



How did you ring in the New Year?

Gratitude in the Highest

Today is Christmas Eve and I would like to dedicate this post to all of the wonderfully caring people who have read this blog for the short time it has existed and who have given me so much encouragement, support and kindness. You all have given me more happiness and joy than you realize. You have uplifted me during my darkest moments and I appreciate each and every one of you.



I hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday season. I also hope that you have an uplifting and joyous New Year.



Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Christmas: A Time of Joy or Stress?

Why does Christmas have to be so stressful? This time of the year is supposed to be a time where you spend with family and friends and be thankful for all of the blessings that have been bestowed upon you. Instead it is a mad rush buying presents, wrapping them, sending out cards, attending events, making a lot of food, and the stress can eat you alive. It's funny because next Sunday I have two family events to attend which means we'll be at one and then have to leave before it's over to get in the car and drive another 40 minutes to attend the next one. By the time I get home that night I'll be dead tired.



I'm a subcontractor at work which means I don't have one work Christmas party, but three! It sounds nice, but currently it feels like a chore.



The Christmas tree is up, thankfully! I still haven't had the time to post pictures. I will as soon as I can.



I feel that writing in this blog for now will be sketchy at best. I'm going to write as much as I can because it has been so good for me and I enjoy it a lot.



I am finally finished with this quarter at school. I ended up with a 98 on my research paper and a 96 for my research and writing class final grade along with a 98 in my UNIX class. Yay! My 4.0 GPA wasn't compromised! :)



I'm going to try and finish my Christmas cards tonight. I certainly hope and pray that I do. I also hope and pray that this time of year is joyful for you and not stressful. It makes you want the season to hurry up and be over, which is really sad and totally against what Christmas is supposed to be about.

My Joy

The new postage stamp



The other night my daughter and I had a photo shoot. She wanted to take some pics to send to a friend named Joey. I say "friend" because it's not official, but any day now I know they will be an item. He told her on the phone that he wants to see her when he asks her out because he thinks it is better to ask in person than over the phone or internet. Very true...and very nice. I like it.







My God, I love this girl.



My daughter met this young gentleman on Thanksgiving weekend. She went to a family event and he was there like a star that had fallen from the sky ...completely unexpected. She was HIGHLY relieved to find out that he isn't family and they have been chattering on the phone and internet non-stop since. She has a private MySpace page where only the people that she invites can access her profile. I didn't want the profile to be public after hearing the horror stories in the news and initially assisted her in setting it up.







She picked out this t-shirt and it totally fits her personality and soul.



She constantly gets the laptop and runs to me to show me the new MySpace messages she receives from friends and Joey. It is wonderful that she does this because I can completely know what is going on in her life and with this boy. I can tell that he is a gentleman and I like what I see so far.



When I was her age I was ultra-secretive. If MySpace existed then I would have NEVER shown my parents ANY message. My daughter is completely unlike me in this regard and I am very thankful. I must have driven my parents nuts.









This is her expression when I said the name Joey....(such a googly-eyed girl) lol



She is my heart, my joy, my life, and my lovely daughter. I love her to bits.



Oh, and the tree isn't up yet...hopefully tomorrow.

Once Again

No Christmas tree. I went home last night thinking that it would be set up and we could decorate it. The tree wasn't set up. It was still boxed away in the shed. The problem is that by the time I got home it was dark outside (it gets dark here around 5:30pm) and the shed doesn't have a light. I searched everywhere for a flashlight and of course I found two but both didn't work and of course I couldn't find any batteries.

I went outside anyway, unlocked the shed and finally located it behind a bunch of boxes. It was in a corner with extension cords piled on top of it and boxes all around it. I tried to pull it out anyway; however, it was so very heavy and there was no way I could do it on my own. Boxes need to be moved from around it in order to pull it out easier but since there are no lights in the shed and things are everywhere, I couldn't move boxes around blindly. I was peeved, locked the shed and headed inside to take a shower.

After taking a shower I saw the backyard light on and the shed door open. He must have gone out there and I hoped that he would have more luck. Twenty minutes later he came to me and asked if I had brought the tree in. I didn't know why he asked me that question since he was just out there, but I told him that there was no way I could do it by myself. I was hoping that he was able to do it and was asking me that question because the tree was inside the house. I went to the living room and no tree. I still don't know why he even asked me that question.

He made dinner. It was very good. I ate by myself in the bedroom. He watched TV and my daughter talked with a boy that she currently likes while eating. Not much of a family dinner, but it was better than having to sit around a table glowering at him and trying to act like everything was OK.

I was quite sad because he knows how important this is to me and I think he just doesn't want to do it. I think this is some type of passive/aggressive game he is playing. I could be completely incorrect. It's just how I feel. Now the whole mood of excitement I had doing this together as a family is gone. I'm just sad now.
Tonight I have an appointment and there is no way I'll be able to get the tree out of the shed and put up tonight.

I think tomorrow I will get to work early so that I can leave early and hopefully get home before it gets dark. I'll then drag it out of the shed, put it up and then my daughgter and I can decorate it. I am going to do my best to get my mood back and enjoy it with my daughter.

It's just that I had this vision of all of us doing it together as a family. Am I being too ideal? Do I have a right to be upset? See, I have realized that over time I question myself constantly when it comes to him and blame myself a lot. It erodes my self-confidence and I am just so tired of it all. Maybe it is my fault. I'm not really sure. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't know.

This morning he drove me to work because he doesn't have his car back from my Dad. My Dad fixed an oil leak for him while he was gone. We didn't speak to each other the whole way. When we got there I thanked him for driving me and asked if he would pick me up at 4:30pm today for the appointment. He said yes. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and got out of the car. I really don't know what else to do. Would you have done that?

I'm glad to have the appointment tonight. At least nothing upsetting will be said or done during that time.