Fifteen Years Ago Today

This picture is my favorite picture of my daughter and I together. I am posting this picture because fifteen years ago today my daughter was born. She was born at 3:12am at 8 pounds, 12 ounces and 21 1/2 inches. I will never forget that early morning. I had been in labor for twenty-two hours and developed a fever of 105 degrees Fahrenheit. The doctors performed an emergency c-section and whisked her away to the newborn unit without letting me hold her. I never cried, screamed, or shouted obscenities during the entire labor process; however, when they whisked her away and wouldn't let me hold her, I completely had a mental meltdown.



I was shaking due to the fever and needed to be administered antibiotics. Somehow I had gotten an infection in the hospital while being in labor with her which caused the fever to spike. By that time I was completely tired and worn out. My emotions ran amuck and I started yelling for her father to come to me (he was signing paperwork in another room). He ran to me and I screamed that they wouldn't let me hold my baby. I cried and was horribly upset.



After being in the recovery room for six hours, they finally wheeled me down to my room in a gurney. They stopped in front of the newborn unit and held my daughter up for me to see her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. I begged to hold her. Finally, they wheeled my gurney halfway into the room and gave her to me. I reached for her and held her tight. I remember staring at her with complete and utter wonder. She had been crying, but amazingly enough stopped crying while I held her. I swear to God she knew that it was me. She actually looked up into my eyes and just stared at me. I felt such an intensely strong connection. Words did not need to be spoken between us. We knew that we belonged together. I remember breaking into tears. That moment was heavy with emotion and completely defined the rest of my life.



I thank God for my daughter. I don't know where I would be without her. She is so very sweet, humorous, kind, compassionate, creative, and wise. I love her so much. As I write this I am crying at the thought that in three years she will be finished with high school. I cannot imagine life without seeing her every day. Pretty soon she will be starting the adventure of her own life. I am not ready for this.



I am writing this while at work. It's times like this that really upset me because I feel I haven't spent enough time with her. It's 6:45pm and I'm still at work. Before I know it she'll be gone and I won't remember what I was doing at work years from now. I will remember that I worked too much and didn't spend enough time with her. I feel very guilty about that. On one hand I need to work because every minute I work I get paid and we desperately need the money due to our financial situation. On the other hand I couldn't care less about the money and want to spend all of my time with her. I wish that I could home school her. I wish that I could be that Mom who has cookies ready when she gets home. I wish I could be that Mom who was there day and night.



I wish, I wish...as she grows, and grows...

My Gawd, I'm Getting Old!

I cannot believe that my step-niece named Melanie is getting married this Saturday. It only seems like yesterday when she was born! She was born in 1986. I was a freshman in high school, which is what my daughter is now! I remember holding her tiny body in my arms and kissing and hugging her tight. Now to think that she is starting a life of her own is amazing to me.



Melanie has three siblings. Out of her siblings, she was the one who always ate very healthy as a child. Can you imagine a six year old wanting to eat salad? She didn't like Coca-Cola and always opted for water or sweet tea. She was always the quiet one and a bit moody at times. Still waters run deep with her. She just received her Bachelor's degree and is trying hard to make something of herself. I am really proud of her.



When I see her I can still see that quiet, little girl. Will that vision in my head ever disappear?

All Work and No Play...You Know the Rest

This is a very busy week for me. Not only is work busy and I need to work overtime, more needs to be done which is outlined below:

• Thursday - Want to get to work at 6:00am at the latest. Work for 12 hours and go home and do homework. Wash some clothes and clean up a bit around the house.
• Friday - It's my daughter's birthday! She will be 15. Get to work at 5:00am at the latest. Work for 12 hours. Go home and take her and her friend that is spending the night to the movies. Drop them off. They will be meeting approximately 10 friends there. After going to the movies they will walk next door to the ice cream shop for ice cream. Pick them up afterwards. While they are at the movies, get my hair cut and colored and then go to to the store to purchase an iPod Nano for her. She has been dying for one. Pick up a birthday cake. Celebrate when she gets home. Also make 600 meatballs for a wedding the next day.
• Saturday - Get up EARLY. My step-niece is getting married. As a wedding present, all of the women of the family are doing her reception. Get to the church by 11:00am. Set up the place for the reception, etc, etc. Go to the wedding at 4:00pm. Get back to help with anything needing to be done at the reception and clean up afterwards. If I have time go to work and work a few hours.
• Sunday - Get up EARLY to finish any homework for the week. Wash some clothes and clean around the house. My hair stylist is having issues with his computer. Get to his house by noon to fix his computer problems. I estimate to be there four, possibly five hours. Get back home and continue washing clothes/cleaning/homework until passing out into bed. If I can get into work for a few hours at all this day would be good.
• Monday - Get to work by 5:00am. Work 12 hours and then go to my four hour statistics class.
• Tuesday - Work for 12 hours. It is my husband and Mom's birthday. Get a birthday cake and take it home. That night my husband will be teaching an oil painting class. Make dinner for him and then celebrate when he gets home.
• Rest of the Week - Work 12 hours a day.
• The Weekend - Work 12 hours each day.
  

I wrote all of this out so that I can read it while going along with the week to check and make sure that I'm keeping on track.

I have a t-shirt that says "After viewing her calendar for the week, she went ahead and pre-medicated." I think I need to wear it.

Wasn't That Bad

I went to the Statistics class and it wasn't that bad for the first night. We got out early, which is good due to it being a four-hour class from 6:00pm - 10:00pm. The professor is from Ethiopia, very soft-spoken and is only interested in the students understanding and being proficient. It seems like he will be quite good. He has a Ph.D. in Statistics and another Ph.D. in Macrobiotics. All I can say is "WOW!".

I am tired now and going to bed. It's already Tuesday and I haven't slept yet!

Good night!

Will I Ever Use This Knowledge?

Reality: Who really gives a damn?



As you read this I am most likely suffering in my statistics class. Please pray for me. I feel my brain turning to mush already.



AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Oh Help Me, God!!

School starts back this Monday night. My first class is Statistics. All I can say is OH MY GOD!



The class is every Monday night from 6:00pm to 10:00pm. Do you know how much material a professor can go through in four hours?



Please pray for me.



I have a 4.0 GPA and I am TERRIFIED that this class will drag it down to the depths of Hell.



I hope that I can make it. I am so scared.

The Picture is NOT What You Think!

Tonight was a great dinner filled with fabulous food and incredible conversations with sweet people. The talk centered around art, art, art while our taste buds focused on stuffed grape leaves (as pictured...the picture actually reminds me of something else like...fecal matter...but it certainly tasted good!), shrimp with rice, French bread with hummus and a cheesy spinach dip. The meal was then finished off with Moroccan mint tea.



My daughter is in a club that backpacks once a month to different areas around and outside the state and two members of this club and their mother visited us this evening. The two members are siblings named Ian and Marian. Ian is a senior in high school while Marian is a sophomore. They are both very artistic and we enjoyed viewing their sketches and portfolios. Since my husband is an artist they had many things to talk about and it was a night filled with three artists sharing their thoughts, ideas, and experiences. It was nice to see my husband chatting with them because I could tell they really looked up to him and got excited about their work. They couldn't wait to get home and work on their art after talking with him. He really got them juiced up!



My husband is about to go through the selection process at the university for the MFA (Master of Fine Arts) program. He is in the midst of getting his application completed along with readying his portfolio and other required documentation. I know that he will be selected to attend in the fall. He will also apply to be in the assistantship program and I truly hope that he gets it. He has been trying for so long to make money and it's been difficult for him to find work. His skills and experience are so highly specialized towards the art field. A few months ago he was looking everywhere for a job and even the Olive Garden turned him down! They said that he didn't have any experience and my first thought was, "Do you have to work at the Waffle House first"?



All of this just kills me when I think about how highly educated and talented he is and not only that he knows six languages! This area hasn't been very sparing with jobs for him. He is going to start January 15 in giving oil painting classes two nights a week. In February he will give watercolor classes and then acrylic painting classes in March. He is quite excited about that. Finding a full-time job has been difficult, though.



He wants to be a professor, which is why he is pursuing a MFA. He is a natural teacher and I know will be a good one. By the way, (and on another note!) he has been much better. He hasn't yelled or screamed lately. He has been treating me very well. I was sick the other day and he made lunch and completely took care of me. I am so very thankful. Things have been getting better. I can tell that it definitely helps my mental mood and attitude. I continue to feel better and better. I have to also say that it was rough when he got back from Morocco. I didn't talk about it much here, but we were even talking about divorce at one point. For the first time in my life I did a very good job of not getting caught up in his moods. I also didn't hold myself accountable for his unhappiness. I also told him that I won't put up with it anymore. I told him that I deserved to be treated better. All of this definitely seemed to help. It can still be difficult at times.



It's just...I refuse to ride the roller coaster anymore. Thank you, God!