Feeling the Burn

I'm finally doing better once again. I sound like a broken record. Friday I felt the depression lifting...it's such a physical sensation. Yesterday I continued to progress and today is even better. I am tired, though. Coming out of a depressive episode can be such an exhaustive event. Today I've been working on schoolwork. It's mid-term week and I wish that I could just take a nap. No time for that today. Hopefully I won't be up tonight late finishing homework.

Last night a realization occurred. I am like a boat floating on the water and my husband is the weather. When the weather is good and moods are high, the boat floats happily in the shining sun. When the tropical storm gathers force the little boat braces itself and is ready for anything. As the violent winds toss the boat this way and that structural damage occurs and it takes time and energy to rebuild.

I have never met anyone like my husband. I love him. That has never changed. It's so strange because we really don't have a problem with each other. We do have a problem with how he reacts to his environment because it affects all of us. He is highly sensitive to light, sound, touch, cold, heat, and is very intuitive to the emotions of people around him. He demands respect from everyone on the planet and it can really disturb him if he feels that he doesn't receive the respect he deserves. His first reaction to any negative emotion he may feel is anger. He is quick to react and his anger can go from zero to 1000 in a split-second. At times I watch him rev his anger engine and am amazed at how he can start talking about something and his engine starts up, it then purrs along and before you can blink it's screeching up to the ceiling. It's unbelievable to watch. A lot of times I sit there silently during these moments watching a catastrophe occur.

In the beginning I didn't know how to react. A lot of times I reacted by shouting like him. Other times I was silent and held everything inside with my gut wrenching. Over time I became silent and just watched. Watching him really helped in learning more about him.

It's so ironic because in most ways he is like an 84-year old man even though he's 34. He is highly mature, wise and way beyond his years. Yet at the same time he has this very immature side to him that reminds me of a 5-year old boy stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs when he's angry. It's obvious he never learned how to effectively deal with his emotions. He deals with them through anger and that certainly is not effective.

He hates this about himself. He wants to change. He's not a bad person. He is a lovely person, actually and is a magnet for everyone who meets him. He is pure energy and is like a candle burning at both ends. You can get burned in the process if you are too close. It is exhausting to be around such a serious and passionate person. At times I hold my head and wonder how I can do it for much longer because I am very tired.

Death on the Brain

Am I the only person who thinks about suicide on a daily basis? I can be walking down the street and something happen and my mind whispers, "I want to kill myself". I think about death a lot and if it weren't for my daughter I'm sure my life would have ended ages ago.

Is there some neuroprocessor in my brain that is fixated on death? I don't consciously think of death. I don't dream of death. My waking mind does though for no apparent reason and I'm frankly tired of it.

I've realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That's all it boils down to. I just want it to end.

I can't imagine being like this for the next 50 years or more. I say "or more" because my paternal great-grandmother died one month prior to her 111 birthday. Surely, I can't imagine living that long like this.

Do you think about death or suicide much or do I represent the minority in this?

Another Journey Down the Desolate Path

Things haven't been going so well. My depression is acting up and once again my husband is angry. He told me today that he just doesn't understand me at all. I told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. I am tired of taking care of him all of the time and he isn't there for me. Once again he is displaying the same old behaviour as two years ago where he hasn't talked to me or had anything to do with me while I've been bad off. Actually today is the first day he has asked how I am because earlier this morning I told him that I want to be with someone who I could be there for while they were there for me and if I couldn't find it I just wouldn't be with anyone.

I really don't think it's out there when I think about it. I don't think that there is a couple who is there for each other. It's only Hollywood that makes those types of couples.

The last few depressive episodes he wasn't angry and much more supportive. I don't know what happened this time.

He says that I'm needy during these times. It's ironic that he says that because these past few days I haven't called him while he was out of the house or asked him to do anything for me. He can be in his studio the entire time and I don't say squat to him.

Last night I told him that I am appalled with how he has ignored me and treated me while I've been down.

I'm tired of this shit. And that is what it is...shit.

My mind is rambling.

If you only knew how down and depressed and full of anxiety my husband can be. If you only knew how I support him in every way. If you only knew what goes on in this house. I don't even write about it. I live it every day.

And I'm tired.

Really damn tired.

Happy Halloween!

I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble sipping Starbucks while you are working and I feel just terrible about it! That makes me laugh to say type that. Seriously though, it's a Friday and I cannot believe all of the people who are either not at work or just don't work! What a life!

I wish I was like Linda and could take Fridays off. You are so lucky, Linda! This is sublime!

Today is Halloween and we're going out to dinner to continue celebrating my week-long birthday and then tomorrow night is the Halloween party.

This has been such a delightful week.

Happy Halloween everyone and don't forget to check your candy for razors after trick-or-treating stay safe!

Happy Birthday To Me

I turned 37 today and don't feel a day over 25. OK, that's pushing it a bit, but seriously...I can't believe it will be three years to 40. For some reason it doesn't bother me about turning 40. It did bother me about turning 30 back in the day. In fact, it bothered me a lot. 40, 50, 60, etc??? They are all just numbers.

Two lovely girls from work are taking me out to lunch today. They are both such dears. We always have a great time together. I have an appointment with the podiatrist at 3:45pm which means I will have to leave work a little before then to make it on time, which means the workday will be short. Yay! I should be home by 4:30pm at the latest. By the way, I have calluses on my feet from being in the Navy and this podiatrist peels them off like an onion. I haven't seen her for two years now so it's time to do some snipping. I get pedicures from time to time and such and my feet aren't manky looking but there are flesh-colored calluses on the bottom and it feels so good when she takes them off. I just read that sentence and realized it may be a bit TMI (too much information), but oh well, it's my blog and I can say what I want! AND it's my birthday...so there!

Tonight my husband has to work teaching an art class so my daughter and I will meet my parents at the Olive Garden for dinner at 6:30pm. It will be nice to see them and hang out. Oh my gawd, I just realized something...servers from the Olive Garden come out and sing birthday songs. I sincerely hope they don't do that. I'm going to ask my parents not to tell them it's my birthday.

By the way, it's not my birthday just today. It's been my birthday all week. It ends on Sunday at 11:59pm. It's been wonderful at home to say, "Can you do so-and-so? It's my birthday". My husband laughs and says that his birthday will last one month if it's like that.

I am taking the day off of work Friday and can't wait for that! I've never taken a day off from work due to my birthday in the past. I've known several people who do each year and thought I would try it out this year. I'm so glad I did! During the day I plan to use the time and do homework for school. I have a 10 page research paper coming up, another small paper and four computer programs to write using C++. I won't mind doing it though because I plan to be at Barnes and Noble sipping Starbucks coffee while everyone else works!

Friday night my husband and I are celebrating my birthday by going to my favorite restaurant in our town. It is where we got engaged and haven't been back since. I can't wait to go! Afterwards we are going to the place where we met (haven't been there either for at least three years now). It will be a trip down memory lane.

Saturday night we are going to a Halloween party. I haven't been to a Halloween party since being a child and it should be interesting. No children are allowed and costumes are required. The party is being given by my best friend from high school named Susie. We recently connected via Facebook and it's been incredible hanging out after all of these years. When we first met for dinner it was like no time had passed and it's been almost 20 years!

Susie said that her party is an annual event and she even puts up black cloth on all of the walls of her house. She has an entire storage area full of Halloween decorations. It's her favorite holiday of the year. I plan to take the camera and snap some shots to post later.

Sunday morning at 2:00am our clocks turn back an hour! It is such a wonderful birthday present to receive one more hour of sleep!

What a wonderful week it's been so far and what a great weekend it's going to be! All of this is a birthday present in itself.

Ugh

Stepped on the scales yesterday and discovered that I'm one pound further from my goal. I cannot believe that I gained a pound. I am now 231.

I'm going to change my short-term goal of losing 10 pounds to five pounds. Need to take some baby steps in order to move this mountain and I will do it!

How EMDR Therapy Affected Me

Over time I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, Dysthymia, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Because of this I have spent time in a hospital where I learned really good coping mechanisms, took meds and most importantly was introduced to "Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing", otherwise known as "EMDR".

To explain what it is a bit more, I took the following from an EMDR therapy website:

Patients who have suffered for years from anxiety or distressing memories, nightmares, insomnia, abuse or other traumatic events can now gain relief from a revolutionary new therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing).

Research shows that EMDR is rapid, safe and effective. EMDR does not involve the use of drugs or hypnosis. It is a simple, non-invasive patient-therapist collaboration in which healing can happen effectively.

This powerful short-term therapy is highly effective for a wide range of disorders including chronic pain, phobias, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders and poor self-image, stress, worry, stage fright, performance anxiety, recovery from sexual abuse and traumatic incidents.

Many patients who have made slow progress in the past, or who have not benefited from more traditional therapies say that with EMDR they have finally found something that works for them!

EMDR truly works. While in the hospital I was introduced to this new type of therapy and was amazed at how it helped me. I wrote the following about it (two years ago) in order for others to understand a bit more about it, how it helped me and also encourage anyone that may benefit from this type of therapy. Please note that some things discussed below can "trigger" others who have been sexually abused, so if you think that it will bother you, please don't read this post any further.

My Experience with EMDR

I was sexually abused from the age of two onwards. I had never really dealt with what happened and was able to hide the events and the emotions that stemmed from the events deep away in my soul. I walked around for 34 years acting as if it never happened. My coping mechanism was to forget about it, however sometimes the past would rise to the surface and obliterate me.

When I thought about past events, I would actually feel physical sensations such as extreme fatigue, weakness and my body would actually feel numb. My emotions would retreat to a faraway place and my mind would even feel numb and sluggish. I would yawn a lot and wanted to go to bed and sleep. That was one of my problems when I experienced what I call my “downward spiral”. I would sleep. A lot. I could sleep for days and not wake up except to go to the bathroom. I didn’t eat, read a book or do anything but sleep in a deep and dark slumber.

When I was younger, it did not affect my job because I would be able to go to work and then immediately go to bed when I got home and sleep until the next morning (or through the weekend until the next Monday morning). For some reason, as I got older, I wasn’t able to do that anymore and the downward spiral started to affect not just me, but my family and job. I couldn’t get out of the bed no matter how hard I tried. When I was awake in the bed I would very logically think about how I would kill myself without hurting my family (well, it seemed logical at the time). I missed days from work and felt horribly guilty about it. I felt like a failure. My downward spirals would last longer and longer until finally it lasted for three months. I almost lost my job at work and due to my counselor I finally made the choice to check into a psychiatric hospital. My counselor wanted me to make the choice instead of committing me herself and though it scared me to death, I agreed. That singular choice had a profound effect on me and changed my life for the better.

While in the hospital, I met with a counselor named Libby to do EMDR. I did not know what to expect and was a little worried about this “EMDR thing” I kept hearing about. Libby had told me that it could really help a lot in trying to deal with past issues that were troubling me so greatly.

As I sat in her office, she told me that EMDR might be foreign and strange to me. She explained that she would wave her hand in front of my face from left to right and back again like a fan. She said I would need to concentrate on her hand because moving my eyes left to right while watching her hand would induce the same type of reaction in my brain that REM sleep induces. It sounded quite weird, but I was ready to try anything.

She said for me to think of a place that I felt most safe. Ironically, I visually saw my bed. I never realized until then that I felt my bed was the safest place for me. No wonder it was so difficult to get out of it during my downward spirals! She told me to imagine myself there and to realize that I was truly safe and nothing could hurt me while going through EMDR.

After explaining the process, she took out a questionnaire and asked me to either remember the most traumatic event in my life or my first memory. Since I was new to EMDR, I did not want to dive right off the cliff by going over the most traumatic experience, so instead I decided to go over my first memory. Libby asked what would be best when remembering this event – to visualize it like it was on a movie screen or on a television. She explained that she didn’t want me to be there, but to try and imagine it taking place where I could see it, but not actually be a part of it. I told her a TV would work great because I have always thought that we are people walking around with TV’s in our mind that is better than any TV invented. This is why books are so wonderful because we can explore places by reading words and the TV in our mind translates the words into vivid imagery.

My first memory of life is being in the bed with a babysitter’s son. His name was Joel. I was two years old and he was approximately 18. If ever I thought about this memory, I would always see his eyes, his body and what he did to me. He was touching me and then pushed my head down on him so that I would perform oral sex on him. I would never see myself in this memory, only Joel and what he did.

Libby asked how I felt about this memory. I started yawning and told her how very tired I was and that I wanted to go to bed. I told her the memory made me feel like a weak person and that I even felt the weakness physically. She pushed further and asked what I thought about myself when I thought about this event and I told her that I felt like a failure, that I felt it was all I was good for and that I felt defenseless. She told me to say these words to myself over and over in my mind and then she started to wave her hand back and forth and told me to think about the event with the TV in my mind. The TV cut on and all I could do was watch.

Having a memory is like the TV in your mind cutting on and playing the event whether you want to view it or not. Other than sleeping or self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, it is difficult to tear yourself away from the “show” even if tearing yourself away would be the best alternative. Of course there are healthy ways to cut the TV off and though I never did drugs or alcohol, I always slept and there was no benefit in that action other than being able to forget about it for a while, only for it to loom back like a disease in my soul.

As Libby waved her hand back and forth, my mind seemed to take me visually through the event, except there was a major shift in the memory. The camera angle had changed! I did not see Joel anymore. For the first time, I saw myself...little me. I actually saw that I had on a diaper with nothing else. My hair was long down my back and I could even feel it tickling my back.

Wait a minute…it wasn’t my fault! I was so little! I was just a baby! I couldn’t even hold my bladder, hence the diapers and to think that my whole life I have walked around thinking that I could have prevented this event from occurring. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t even know that what he was doing was wrong. I was only two years old. I dealt with the event at two as a true innocent, however my entire life I viewed the event through the eyes of an adult and never had given grace to myself.

After telling Libby how I could see myself for the first time in this memory, she then asked me how I would like to feel about this memory. I told her that I wanted to feel and remember that it wasn’t my fault, that I am not defenseless and I can choose to defend myself. I am not powerless. She asked that I say these words over and over in my mind as she waved her hand back and forth again. As I said these words to myself, I saw my two-year old self. I saw my innocence and finally I gave grace to that little girl.

After the session, I could not believe that I no longer felt tired. I wasn’t yawning anymore and my body did not feel weak and numb. I felt lighter and more free. A heavy load had been taken off my shoulders and even now, weeks later, when I remember this event, I only see myself. I don’t see Joel and the anger no longer envelopes my soul. My anger is gone and I only feel love for that little girl.

Thank you, Libby!

I urge everyone who has traumatic events that still haunt them to try EMDR. It is not hocus-pocus and definitely works. I had EMDR treatment over two years ago and can still think about my first memory without the horrible emotions that used to be attached to it. It is no longer traumatic and I am ever so grateful for this therapy.

Have you tried EMDR? If so, what was your experience like?