MeMe

Kayla from OCD Lives Here tagged me with the following...

The tag rules are as follows:

1. Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog post tag eight people and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.

My 8 random facts:

1. I used to be in the Navy and was a Mineman (built/maintained underwater mines, or bombs).
2. While in the Navy and living in Scotland, the Commander in our unit killed himself the weekend before he was to go back to the States. He had sex with different girls in our unit who were not officers like himself (big no-no in the Navy), showed favoritism towards these girls, contracted a venereal disease with one of them and gave that gift to his wife. He was being sent back to the States to be punished because of his behavior (one of the people who got in trouble all of the time was sick of the other girls being favored constantly and not having to work and reported him. Admirals flew in, lie-detector tests were performed and he got popped). The night he killed himself I was on duty and was asked to identify his body. He had died by driving his motorcycle the fastest he could go on this little Scottish road and ran head-on into another car that a pregnant woman was driving. His body ended up in the top of a tree. I never knew what happened to the pregnant lady. All I know is that it was the first time I did not follow an order because I said I shouldn't be the one to go, that the senior watch officer in charge should go. He ended up going, thank God. I didn't want to see that. I was 18 years old.
3. As you see, I can be wordy at times.
4. I thought about how fat I am today and wanted to kill myself. This is nothing new.
5. I am going to university and currently have a 4.0 GPA and if I don't get my butt in gear I'll lose it because I am very far behind in schoolwork. It feels overwhelming.
6. I went skydiving and loved it. Jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet and it was a spiritual experience. I would do it again.
7. I plan to use my tax money and visit Morocco this summer. I usually pay bills with it but not this time. It becomes a bit embarrassing to answer "no" when people ask if I've visited where my husband is from and we've been together almost nine years now.
8. I love a slice of lemon in my water. I even wedge a slice of it into my bottled water before going to work in the morning.
   

I'll tag and you play if you would like:

1. Linda
2. Daisy
3. Hope 
4. Eccedentesiast 
5. La 
6. Crotchety Old Man
7. Annie's Rexia 
8. Stephany
   

Didn't get any schoolwork done but am going to try and go to sleep. I hope to get it done tomorrow.

Talk about sabotaging myself...sheesh.

Insomniac

It's 2:32am and I cannot sleep. I have a feeling this will be a long night and sleep will not arrive. I did try going to sleep by cutting off the light, laying there for a while, tossing, turning, and finally getting up and lugging my laptop to the living room so that I don't wake my husband. I also have my C++ programming textbook with me. I need to read, read, read and write a few computer programs and I guess this would be a great time to do it. The house is silent and this would be the best time.

If I could think....

If I could focus....

this would be the best time.

I am going to try. I will feel really happy if I can get through all of these pages and write these programs. I won't feel so overwhelmed with it all and then tomorrow I can work on sociology.

I wonder if I can do this. We shall see.

Periods Rule My Life

I wrote the following this past Wednesday at work. I can't sign into Blogger to post from work so I e-mailed it to myself and am just now getting a chance to paste it below.

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I feel another wave of desolation and hopelessness wash over my soul. I sit here at work and can't even concentrate on the task at hand because I feel the descent down the spiral of depression mentally, emotionally and physically. About thirty minutes ago I was talking with two friends at work and for no reason whatsoever wanted to cry. I even had to excuse myself because the feeling was so overwhelming. I sat down at my desk and felt my body descending to the void and got caught up with the feeling for a few minutes without even realizing.

All of a sudden I felt a cramp and realized...my monthly friend is about to visit! That is what is going on! I felt relieved a bit because there was an explanation for this sudden mood change.

Now I sit here and ask why it has to be this way. I feel very ignorant because this happens every time right before my period and I don't immediately think to myself that it's not the depression but the period itself. Then when I feel the cramping it then dawns on me what's going on. When I get caught up in that fast descent into the pits of Hell I am so stuck in that moment that I don't even rationalize or think about it. It is just pure emotion. I feel like this:

Now realizing my monthly friend is about to make her lovely appearance I feel better now.

On another note...why do we call it our "monthly friend"? Is it a she or he or it? If it's a she, is she really our friend? I hate the word "period" as well, so what's a better word to use? For my international readers, what do ya'll call it?

And on another note, is our period really that necessary? Why couldn't we be like a man with eggs swimming around instead of sperm with no side effects? Why do we pay every month for having the ability of producing babies? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have had my daughter and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I was in labor for 22 hours and it ended with an emergency c-section, an internal infection and a fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit. At one point I had a contraction for five minutes and a nurse had to rush in and give me a shot to stop the contraction only to then have another shot to start the contractions all over again. I even experienced what my Momma calls "Twilight Sleep" because I would be asleep from being so exhausted, wake up while having a painful as hell contraction only to immediately fall asleep as soon as the contraction was over. I didn't even know my name during that part of the labor.

Wow, I feel even better already writing about this. I hate my "monthly friend", "monthly cycle", "period" or whatever you want to call it. It rules my life every month.
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It is now Saturday and I feel much better now. My period is almost over and the pain is gone.

I am soooo behind in my schoolwork. I haven't had a chance to blog much or even read my favorite blogs and leave a comment. I will do that as soon as I can catch up with school.

Oh, and by the way. I've gained six more pounds. I think I should have a goal to gain weight and I would most definitely make it. Sheesh...

Grooming and Gas Prices

My sweet little dog named HoneyBunny got groomed yesterday and here she is in all of her splendor and gorgeous elegance:

I apologize for the resolution of the pictures. I took them with my mobile phone.

I love this superdog.

I could not believe the gas price today. It was $1.79 a gallon! Just a few weeks ago it was over $4.00 and killing the bank account.

I wonder how long this will last. Probably about as long as HoneyBunny's grooming.

Feeling the Burn

I'm finally doing better once again. I sound like a broken record. Friday I felt the depression lifting...it's such a physical sensation. Yesterday I continued to progress and today is even better. I am tired, though. Coming out of a depressive episode can be such an exhaustive event. Today I've been working on schoolwork. It's mid-term week and I wish that I could just take a nap. No time for that today. Hopefully I won't be up tonight late finishing homework.

Last night a realization occurred. I am like a boat floating on the water and my husband is the weather. When the weather is good and moods are high, the boat floats happily in the shining sun. When the tropical storm gathers force the little boat braces itself and is ready for anything. As the violent winds toss the boat this way and that structural damage occurs and it takes time and energy to rebuild.

I have never met anyone like my husband. I love him. That has never changed. It's so strange because we really don't have a problem with each other. We do have a problem with how he reacts to his environment because it affects all of us. He is highly sensitive to light, sound, touch, cold, heat, and is very intuitive to the emotions of people around him. He demands respect from everyone on the planet and it can really disturb him if he feels that he doesn't receive the respect he deserves. His first reaction to any negative emotion he may feel is anger. He is quick to react and his anger can go from zero to 1000 in a split-second. At times I watch him rev his anger engine and am amazed at how he can start talking about something and his engine starts up, it then purrs along and before you can blink it's screeching up to the ceiling. It's unbelievable to watch. A lot of times I sit there silently during these moments watching a catastrophe occur.

In the beginning I didn't know how to react. A lot of times I reacted by shouting like him. Other times I was silent and held everything inside with my gut wrenching. Over time I became silent and just watched. Watching him really helped in learning more about him.

It's so ironic because in most ways he is like an 84-year old man even though he's 34. He is highly mature, wise and way beyond his years. Yet at the same time he has this very immature side to him that reminds me of a 5-year old boy stomping his foot and yelling at the top of his lungs when he's angry. It's obvious he never learned how to effectively deal with his emotions. He deals with them through anger and that certainly is not effective.

He hates this about himself. He wants to change. He's not a bad person. He is a lovely person, actually and is a magnet for everyone who meets him. He is pure energy and is like a candle burning at both ends. You can get burned in the process if you are too close. It is exhausting to be around such a serious and passionate person. At times I hold my head and wonder how I can do it for much longer because I am very tired.

Death on the Brain

Am I the only person who thinks about suicide on a daily basis? I can be walking down the street and something happen and my mind whispers, "I want to kill myself". I think about death a lot and if it weren't for my daughter I'm sure my life would have ended ages ago.

Is there some neuroprocessor in my brain that is fixated on death? I don't consciously think of death. I don't dream of death. My waking mind does though for no apparent reason and I'm frankly tired of it.

I've realized that these fantasies of death and suicide occur because I just want the pain to stop. That's all it boils down to. I just want it to end.

I can't imagine being like this for the next 50 years or more. I say "or more" because my paternal great-grandmother died one month prior to her 111 birthday. Surely, I can't imagine living that long like this.

Do you think about death or suicide much or do I represent the minority in this?

Another Journey Down the Desolate Path

Things haven't been going so well. My depression is acting up and once again my husband is angry. He told me today that he just doesn't understand me at all. I told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. I am tired of taking care of him all of the time and he isn't there for me. Once again he is displaying the same old behaviour as two years ago where he hasn't talked to me or had anything to do with me while I've been bad off. Actually today is the first day he has asked how I am because earlier this morning I told him that I want to be with someone who I could be there for while they were there for me and if I couldn't find it I just wouldn't be with anyone.

I really don't think it's out there when I think about it. I don't think that there is a couple who is there for each other. It's only Hollywood that makes those types of couples.

The last few depressive episodes he wasn't angry and much more supportive. I don't know what happened this time.

He says that I'm needy during these times. It's ironic that he says that because these past few days I haven't called him while he was out of the house or asked him to do anything for me. He can be in his studio the entire time and I don't say squat to him.

Last night I told him that I am appalled with how he has ignored me and treated me while I've been down.

I'm tired of this shit. And that is what it is...shit.

My mind is rambling.

If you only knew how down and depressed and full of anxiety my husband can be. If you only knew how I support him in every way. If you only knew what goes on in this house. I don't even write about it. I live it every day.

And I'm tired.

Really damn tired.