Mental Floss

I haven't been able to blog for days. I think about it when I'm not able to write and it bothers me. Blogging has been quite good for my mental health and it's an activity I need to do no matter what...kinda like flossing. It's just flossing of the mental state. It's been wonderful to grab that tacky, plaquey debris stuck to my soul and clean it away.

I have the card above and absolutely love it. I actually had quite a few of them and sent them to others over time. I kept the last one for myself. Actually, thinking about it, I have a lot of interesting cards that I would like to put in a book one day. It would be a great coffee table book versus them sitting in a box like they have for years. One more project I would like to do eventually.

Speaking of projects, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is homework galore along with a ten-page paper due a week from today which I haven't had the chance to even start working on. Not only that but I have to work Monday through Wednesday this week and work a bit of overtime since we are off Thursday and Friday for the Thanksgiving holidays.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, twelve people are coming to the house for lunch and I have to have the house clean, get the grocery shopping done and cook, cook, cook. I told my husband and daughter that they are in charge of the cleaning and I will take care of the groceries and cooking. I would much rather clean, believe me. It wouldn't take as long and then I could relax while the cook spent all Wednesday night cooking herself and the food to death.

It will be a good thing, though and I look forward to the holidays. I am just overwhelmed because my personality is the type that I want everything to be perfect and great and I worry that I'll burn something, not do something right or not pull it off on time. Cooking is an art and it's important how you cook and in what order you cook so it all arrives steaming hot to the table at the same time. There have been many times my guests waited quite a while for food because I can't get the knack of it all just yet. Maybe it's a life lesson along with so many other things to learn.

Oh, I lost a pound, by the way. ONE POUND! Actually, though, if you think about it, I lost about six because I had gained weight before when I first started talking about my weight issues. I then lost it and an extra pound, so I can now update my weight goal here on the blog. I am very curious if I'll be updating the goal after Thanksgiving because I gained weight. I'll then be back to 0%! I won't worry about that just yet because it's quite difficult to diet on turkey day.

There is a "boot camp" for women in my area which I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's a very neat concept because the guy who owns the company is a personal trainer who used to be in the Army. I attended boot camp years ago after joining the Navy (though I'm not in anymore) and was in the best shape of my life after they killed us in boot camp. I would go back to boot camp just for that if I had the chance. Since I don't, I'm going to try this program. Basically you go three times a week and he kicks your butt. I need that and really look forward to going. He even goes over nutrition with you. The group size is ten women at a time so the class isn't large. We'll see how this goes. It will be interesting.

Now back to reading about floats, doubles, ints and arrays in my C++ programming textbook.

Oh, joy.

More Poetry

The Kiss
Intensity swirling dark and light through my mind.
Emotions are deep and breath is shallow.
Cocoons burst open, revealing beautiful butterflies in my stomach.
The feeling is too great and too soon.
Kindness, passion and friendship can be felt more through it.
However, it all ends too quickly for your lips are no longer on mine.

Note:
I wrote this when I was 19 years old for my ex-husband before we were married. This poem was the first non-depressing poem I was able to write in my entire life. I thank him for that.

Old Poems

I found quite a few old poems that I wrote years ago. I posted my poems on an old website I created way before blogging ever started. It's interesting to me how though years pass, thoughts and feelings can remain. I'll post some of these old poems over time as I feel like it.

Here is one to start it off:


Depression

The feeling lives in my soul like maggots feasting on meat. The feeling of being miserable is so much a part of me....

Sometimes depression engulfs me and I feel as if I've been swallowed by a black hole. I'm totally lost - there's no light and I'm exhausted from the quick journey into it.

I no longer cry out for help. I used to, and as a result, got further to the center of that void. The center is called Death and I think it would give me peace. I have tried to journey there, however the survivor who lives in the cold, lonely corner of my soul would free itself from the chains and remind me she's there. Then, like a beacon, she'd point me back through the Hell until, with her help, I would crawl out of that hole.

I thank God for her. I just hope one day I can make her proud. Maybe then she can live in a nice, warm, lit room in the middle of my soul and celebrate because we both lived through it all.

Note (wrote this note when I was 29...I am now 37 and feel the same):
I cannot remember what age I was when I wrote this poem. I think I was 19 and living in Scotland at the time. What I find most surprising is though I am nearly 30, I still feel the exact, same way in certain moments of my life. Time doesn't change everything.

Sabotage No More

I have sabotaged myself long enough. Today was a much better day because I actually got off my fat behind and got busy. For starters I actually exercised by taking HoneyBunny for a walk. She and I were both out of breath by the time we got home, but we did it and HB was SOOOOO happy about it. She loves walking. I wish I did. I hated every step I took but just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I cannot believe that years ago I was a cross-country runner and actually ran 10 miles a day. Right now I can't walk even a mile without thinking I'm going to die. I had great legs back then. In fact, I remember I could eat anything in the world and not gain an ounce. Right now I think about food while walking and gain weight. Hopefully, the tide will turn soon.

I picked up my daughter from practicing for a Christmas play at a local church. I then went shopping for HB and got her a little harness. With the way she walks so excitedly with the leash, she jerks her head forward a lot and chokes herself and hacks and coughs. The dog harness is much better and she didn't gag once. It even felt like there was more control while walking her because her jerking her head forward didn't affect me at all while using the harness.

I've been working on homework today and though I'm still behind I feel better about it because at least some tasks are being accomplished.

I took a shower after the walk and dried my hair and am now eating a nice salad. I love fruits and vegetables and am currently eating a mixture of carrots, green peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, chickpeas, olives, almonds, a little feta cheese and a boiled egg. I don't use salad dressing because it's not needed. I like the taste just the way it is.

Today I was thinking about how difficult it is at times to get going on tasks that need to be completed because it seems so overwhelming, but once you do get started it gets easier and I've even experienced periods of relief today. When I don't get done what I need to I just feel so horribly lazy and that always makes me feel worse and has the opposite affect on me wanting to get stuff done. Nike has a good slogan..."Just do it". I need to remember that and not get so caught up on the negatives. Sometimes I try so hard to be perfect that if I can't finish a task perfectly I don't want to even start and then I get behind and then I feel bad and then I feel overwhelmed and then I feel depressed and anxious and then it's even more difficult to JUST DO IT.

So, I'm doing it today. I am going to continue. The sabotaging has to stop. It's so ridiculous when I think about it.

MeMe

Kayla from OCD Lives Here tagged me with the following...

The tag rules are as follows:

1. Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog post tag eight people and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.

My 8 random facts:

1. I used to be in the Navy and was a Mineman (built/maintained underwater mines, or bombs).
2. While in the Navy and living in Scotland, the Commander in our unit killed himself the weekend before he was to go back to the States. He had sex with different girls in our unit who were not officers like himself (big no-no in the Navy), showed favoritism towards these girls, contracted a venereal disease with one of them and gave that gift to his wife. He was being sent back to the States to be punished because of his behavior (one of the people who got in trouble all of the time was sick of the other girls being favored constantly and not having to work and reported him. Admirals flew in, lie-detector tests were performed and he got popped). The night he killed himself I was on duty and was asked to identify his body. He had died by driving his motorcycle the fastest he could go on this little Scottish road and ran head-on into another car that a pregnant woman was driving. His body ended up in the top of a tree. I never knew what happened to the pregnant lady. All I know is that it was the first time I did not follow an order because I said I shouldn't be the one to go, that the senior watch officer in charge should go. He ended up going, thank God. I didn't want to see that. I was 18 years old.
3. As you see, I can be wordy at times.
4. I thought about how fat I am today and wanted to kill myself. This is nothing new.
5. I am going to university and currently have a 4.0 GPA and if I don't get my butt in gear I'll lose it because I am very far behind in schoolwork. It feels overwhelming.
6. I went skydiving and loved it. Jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet and it was a spiritual experience. I would do it again.
7. I plan to use my tax money and visit Morocco this summer. I usually pay bills with it but not this time. It becomes a bit embarrassing to answer "no" when people ask if I've visited where my husband is from and we've been together almost nine years now.
8. I love a slice of lemon in my water. I even wedge a slice of it into my bottled water before going to work in the morning.
   

I'll tag and you play if you would like:

1. Linda
2. Daisy
3. Hope 
4. Eccedentesiast 
5. La 
6. Crotchety Old Man
7. Annie's Rexia 
8. Stephany
   

Didn't get any schoolwork done but am going to try and go to sleep. I hope to get it done tomorrow.

Talk about sabotaging myself...sheesh.

Insomniac

It's 2:32am and I cannot sleep. I have a feeling this will be a long night and sleep will not arrive. I did try going to sleep by cutting off the light, laying there for a while, tossing, turning, and finally getting up and lugging my laptop to the living room so that I don't wake my husband. I also have my C++ programming textbook with me. I need to read, read, read and write a few computer programs and I guess this would be a great time to do it. The house is silent and this would be the best time.

If I could think....

If I could focus....

this would be the best time.

I am going to try. I will feel really happy if I can get through all of these pages and write these programs. I won't feel so overwhelmed with it all and then tomorrow I can work on sociology.

I wonder if I can do this. We shall see.

Periods Rule My Life

I wrote the following this past Wednesday at work. I can't sign into Blogger to post from work so I e-mailed it to myself and am just now getting a chance to paste it below.

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I feel another wave of desolation and hopelessness wash over my soul. I sit here at work and can't even concentrate on the task at hand because I feel the descent down the spiral of depression mentally, emotionally and physically. About thirty minutes ago I was talking with two friends at work and for no reason whatsoever wanted to cry. I even had to excuse myself because the feeling was so overwhelming. I sat down at my desk and felt my body descending to the void and got caught up with the feeling for a few minutes without even realizing.

All of a sudden I felt a cramp and realized...my monthly friend is about to visit! That is what is going on! I felt relieved a bit because there was an explanation for this sudden mood change.

Now I sit here and ask why it has to be this way. I feel very ignorant because this happens every time right before my period and I don't immediately think to myself that it's not the depression but the period itself. Then when I feel the cramping it then dawns on me what's going on. When I get caught up in that fast descent into the pits of Hell I am so stuck in that moment that I don't even rationalize or think about it. It is just pure emotion. I feel like this:

Now realizing my monthly friend is about to make her lovely appearance I feel better now.

On another note...why do we call it our "monthly friend"? Is it a she or he or it? If it's a she, is she really our friend? I hate the word "period" as well, so what's a better word to use? For my international readers, what do ya'll call it?

And on another note, is our period really that necessary? Why couldn't we be like a man with eggs swimming around instead of sperm with no side effects? Why do we pay every month for having the ability of producing babies? Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have had my daughter and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I was in labor for 22 hours and it ended with an emergency c-section, an internal infection and a fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit. At one point I had a contraction for five minutes and a nurse had to rush in and give me a shot to stop the contraction only to then have another shot to start the contractions all over again. I even experienced what my Momma calls "Twilight Sleep" because I would be asleep from being so exhausted, wake up while having a painful as hell contraction only to immediately fall asleep as soon as the contraction was over. I didn't even know my name during that part of the labor.

Wow, I feel even better already writing about this. I hate my "monthly friend", "monthly cycle", "period" or whatever you want to call it. It rules my life every month.
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It is now Saturday and I feel much better now. My period is almost over and the pain is gone.

I am soooo behind in my schoolwork. I haven't had a chance to blog much or even read my favorite blogs and leave a comment. I will do that as soon as I can catch up with school.

Oh, and by the way. I've gained six more pounds. I think I should have a goal to gain weight and I would most definitely make it. Sheesh...