I thought that I would get up at 5:00am and go shopping for all of the fabulous sales Black Friday had to offer. I did wake up at 5:00am. I took my dog outside. While she walked around the yard I looked out the window into the darkness of night. Opening the door while letting her back inside chilled me to the bone. It was then I decided that it was absolutely ridiculous to get dressed at 5:00am to go shopping, of all things!
I promptly went back to bed.
Around 11:00am I woke up again and got dressed. My husband, daughter and I had a delicious breakfast and then visited the stores to see what was left. Everything was gone from the best sales and I didn't mind a bit. It was much better than traveling by myself to look around at the crack of dawn.
I read an article located at the CNN website about a poor man who opened the doors at Wal-Mart at 5:00am while over 2,000 people waiting outside since the night before surged in and trampled him to death. Was his life worth the $40 saved on a DVD player? Honestly, it makes me sick at times to think about America and its values. I am so happy that I wasn't one of the people surging into Wal-Mart at 5:00am and litrally walking on top of someone in order to take advantage of a sale. I would never forgive myself.
Will Americans learn their lesson? I'm afraid the answer is "No". Next year the newspapers will post the Black Friday ads and all Hell will break loose once again. No one will remember the poor guy who got trampled to death. They will just think about how much money they will save and obviously that will be more important than a human life.
It is 1:00am and I am taking a break for a few minutes while waiting for the pumpkin pie to be ready to pull out of the oven. I've been cooking since getting home around 7:00pm. The kitchen is a mess. I try hard to be organized and keep everything clean while cooking and it was not a successful night tonight trying to do that. After posting this I'll get back in that kitchen and clean like crazy.
I started the night by taking pictures to post on the blog, but that wasn't successful either because my daughter's digital camera went loopy and cut off and didn't cut back on (bad news because it did this even after putting in fresh batteries) and my husband's digital camera battery is dead. So, not many pictures were taken and am a bit bummed by that. I thought it would be fun to post the pictures especially for all of you overseas. I plan to take pictures tomorrow and will post them here this weekend.
Tomorrow twelve people will be eating lunch with us along with my parents, my husband's sister and her family and a friend of my husband's from university. My Mom is making macaroni and cheese and a broccoli salad. I'm making the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes (not out of a box but the real ones), stuffing, three-layer pumpkin pie, squash casserole, peas, french bread, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce. Tonight I've made everything except the turkey, gravy and stuffing. I should get up by 7:00am in order to pop the turkey in the oven in time and we'll eat by 1:00pm. I just hope that I'll be able to get all of the food on the table at the same time and it will all be hot. That is definitely an art that I don't possess. We shall see.
While cooking I was listening to the radio and a song that I loved as a teenager from "The Fixx" played called "One Thing Leads to Another". The first time I heard it was one of the rare times I saw my biological father named Jim. He was visiting his Mom and she picked me up to go to her house so that I could see him (note, so that I could see him because he never visited me). He had the song on a tape in his car and I went nuts. I played it over and over again and begged him for the tape. I remember he wasn't happy giving it to me but did anyway. Hearing the song made me wonder what he was doing tonight. What will his Thanksgiving be like tomorrow? Is he happy? Does he think about me? I haven't seen him for twelve years. The last time I spoke with him on the telephone was approximately eight years ago. I had called asking if we could have lunch together. I told him that I was hoping that maybe we could get to know each other as adults. He actually said, "Well I understand why you would want to see me. I do the same as you. I want to go see my parents because they are a point of reference to me. It is good to see them and project how you will age". I was flabbergasted. He thought I wanted to see him to see how I would age! He said that we would get together for lunch and he would contact me and of course he never did.
I remember being pregnant with my daughter almost sixteen years ago and speaking with him on the phone. As always I had called him. We had a huge spat to the point that I was almost hyperventilating (he and my husband are the only people in this world that have made me that upset) and he asked me, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"
Unbelievable.
I did call him sporadically over the years (maybe twice after that?) and I have to ask myself why did I keep trying to be his friend? Thinking about it all now makes me want to cry. Tears appear but don't fall. My heart falls though. I never understood why he didn't love me or was there for me or why he had nothing to do with me. I blamed myself as a child and always felt rejected because of it. Now that I'm 37 it's easier and don't blame myself anymore. He is bipolar and definitely has issues. I guess I will just always wonder, "What if?" I am curious if he will ever call if he discovers that he is terminally ill or is on his deathbed. I have a feeling that he will not. Why start then? I think I will go to my grave never understanding him. I am his only child with his only grandchild. That doesn't seem to matter to him. I don't think it ever will.
Wow, what a morose conversation at 1:47am. I've been running back and forth to check on the pumpkin pie. It's still too wet in the middle and still cooking.
The video is below. It's quite hilarious to watch because it's so 80's. I wonder what the band members think about that video when they watch it in 2008. They must smile like you do when seeing a picture of yourself wearing some crazy outfit like parachute pants and the Members Only jacket or the classic mullet hairstyle.
I found the following cartoon on the Internet:
I have to say that I never understood why we celebrate Thanksgiving. The intention of Thanksgiving is to give thanks. The American Indians celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and it is because of the American Indians that we learned how to catch eel and grow corn and look what we did to them. That's a lot thanks, now isn't it?
At times I feel it's embarrassing to be an American when I think of certain events that occurred in American history.
I just realized that this post is going all over the place. Let me get it back to the topic, which is giving thanks. At this time of year I would like to list what I'm thankful for below.
I am very thankful for my daughter. She is the light of my life and if it wasn't for her I am sure that I would have offed myself ages ago.
I am very thankful for my husband. Yes, he drives me insane. He has good intentions, though. He has issues like the rest of us and he has really been working to improve himself and our relationship. He has been very good to my daughter over the years. That says a lot considering the fact that he has never had children.
I am very thankful for my Mom. Sometimes she drives me crazy and the more I understand her the sadder it makes me sometimes, but I just need to learn to accept and move on. She is a good mother and tried her best. Sometimes it wasn't good enough, but she honestly couldn't help it. She was adopted by a 50-year old couple who had never had children and weren't affectionate. They did wonderful things for her and took great care of her, but they could be quite cold at times and because of them my Mom was an adult at five years of age, or at least she was expected to act like one.
I am very thankful for my stepfather. He had been previously married prior to marrying my Mom and had three children ten years older than me. He always told everyone that he had four children and always treated me like his own. If it wasn't for him and my Uncle Jimmy I would really hate men, I think. They taught me how to be treated and valued me unconditionally. I am eternally grateful. It was recently Daddy's birthday and he went away for the night and I wasn't able to see him. I ordered a birthday cake and tomorrow after Thanksgiving lunch I am going to put candles on the cake, light them up and walk out singing "Happy Birthday". He will absolutely love it. He loves special attention like sometimes.
I am very grateful that my cousins and I were reunited this past year. I need to write about that sometime. I grew up with them and spent a lot of time with them every summer and over the holidays as a child. I consider them to be the sisters I never had. I love them dearly and am absolutely thrilled that we are now talking with each other, spending time together and being in each others lives. I never thought that would happen and the miracle occurred.
I am so very thankful for my dog named HoneyBunny. She is such a wonderful superhuman and I adore her more every day.
I am very thankful to be able to attend university and finally get my degree one day.
I am very thankful to have a job during these tough economic times. Though I can't stand it most of the time at least I am able to pay the bills.
I am thankful that I made the decision to start the women's boot camp and will be starting this Monday. For once I am doing something for myself and am proud about that.
I am thankful that the store I shop for clothes at had a "buy one, get one free" sale and that I also had a coupon for $75.00 off. I went shopping today before coming home to cook because I just wanted to feel nice tomorrow with a new outfit. I haven't bought myself an outfit in years and am tired of wearing the same thing every weekend. It becomes depressing over time. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It will feel good to put on new clothes. I haven't experienced that feeling in years. I even bought some new pajamas. This is embarrassing to say, but I have three other pajamas that I have worn for eight years now. They all have holes in them in a lot of different places, the hem is gone and they are falling apart. It was depressing to see myself like that night after night. I can't wait to put on my new pj's. I'll feel like a different person.
Last and most certainly not least, I am so thankful to each of you who visit my blog. I am so very grateful for the people who have commented in my blog and have given so much support over this past year. I am continually amazed by the people who lift me up mentally and spiritually through this blog. I hope that you realize what an impact you have had on my life. You have helped me to get better and get through this journey of life. I wish that I could invite you all for dinner tomorrow and you could join me. I just wish that I could give each of you a hug.
I would especially like to thank Linda, Daisy, John Finn, HappyStill and Zathyn Priest. We all found each other when I first started this blog and you all have been so very supportive and empowering to me. I cannot begin to thank you all enough.
I am also thankful that I am able to buy all of the Thanksgiving food and cook it tonight and tomorrow. Seriously, America is in a war (two in my opinion - Afghanistan and Iraq) and you would never know it really. Most Americans don't realize how lucky they are compared to many nations around the world.
To end this post I would like to share some Thanksgiving humor. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate this holiday, I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
I haven't been able to blog for days. I think about it when I'm not able to write and it bothers me. Blogging has been quite good for my mental health and it's an activity I need to do no matter what...kinda like flossing. It's just flossing of the mental state. It's been wonderful to grab that tacky, plaquey debris stuck to my soul and clean it away.
I have the card above and absolutely love it. I actually had quite a few of them and sent them to others over time. I kept the last one for myself. Actually, thinking about it, I have a lot of interesting cards that I would like to put in a book one day. It would be a great coffee table book versus them sitting in a box like they have for years. One more project I would like to do eventually.
Speaking of projects, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is homework galore along with a ten-page paper due a week from today which I haven't had the chance to even start working on. Not only that but I have to work Monday through Wednesday this week and work a bit of overtime since we are off Thursday and Friday for the Thanksgiving holidays.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, twelve people are coming to the house for lunch and I have to have the house clean, get the grocery shopping done and cook, cook, cook. I told my husband and daughter that they are in charge of the cleaning and I will take care of the groceries and cooking. I would much rather clean, believe me. It wouldn't take as long and then I could relax while the cook spent all Wednesday night cooking herself and the food to death.
It will be a good thing, though and I look forward to the holidays. I am just overwhelmed because my personality is the type that I want everything to be perfect and great and I worry that I'll burn something, not do something right or not pull it off on time. Cooking is an art and it's important how you cook and in what order you cook so it all arrives steaming hot to the table at the same time. There have been many times my guests waited quite a while for food because I can't get the knack of it all just yet. Maybe it's a life lesson along with so many other things to learn.
Oh, I lost a pound, by the way. ONE POUND! Actually, though, if you think about it, I lost about six because I had gained weight before when I first started talking about my weight issues. I then lost it and an extra pound, so I can now update my weight goal here on the blog. I am very curious if I'll be updating the goal after Thanksgiving because I gained weight. I'll then be back to 0%! I won't worry about that just yet because it's quite difficult to diet on turkey day.
There is a "boot camp" for women in my area which I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's a very neat concept because the guy who owns the company is a personal trainer who used to be in the Army. I attended boot camp years ago after joining the Navy (though I'm not in anymore) and was in the best shape of my life after they killed us in boot camp. I would go back to boot camp just for that if I had the chance. Since I don't, I'm going to try this program. Basically you go three times a week and he kicks your butt. I need that and really look forward to going. He even goes over nutrition with you. The group size is ten women at a time so the class isn't large. We'll see how this goes. It will be interesting.
Now back to reading about floats, doubles, ints and arrays in my C++ programming textbook.
The Kiss
Intensity swirling dark and light through my mind.
Emotions are deep and breath is shallow.
Cocoons burst open, revealing beautiful butterflies in my stomach.
The feeling is too great and too soon.
Kindness, passion and friendship can be felt more through it.
However, it all ends too quickly for your lips are no longer on mine.
Note:
I wrote this when I was 19 years old for my ex-husband before we were married. This poem was the first non-depressing poem I was able to write in my entire life. I thank him for that.
I found quite a few old poems that I wrote years ago. I posted my poems on an old website I created way before blogging ever started. It's interesting to me how though years pass, thoughts and feelings can remain. I'll post some of these old poems over time as I feel like it.
Here is one to start it off:
Depression
The feeling lives in my soul like maggots feasting on meat. The feeling of being miserable is so much a part of me....
Sometimes depression engulfs me and I feel as if I've been swallowed by a black hole. I'm totally lost - there's no light and I'm exhausted from the quick journey into it.
I no longer cry out for help. I used to, and as a result, got further to the center of that void. The center is called Death and I think it would give me peace. I have tried to journey there, however the survivor who lives in the cold, lonely corner of my soul would free itself from the chains and remind me she's there. Then, like a beacon, she'd point me back through the Hell until, with her help, I would crawl out of that hole.
I thank God for her. I just hope one day I can make her proud. Maybe then she can live in a nice, warm, lit room in the middle of my soul and celebrate because we both lived through it all.
Note (wrote this note when I was 29...I am now 37 and feel the same):
I cannot remember what age I was when I wrote this poem. I think I was 19 and living in Scotland at the time. What I find most surprising is though I am nearly 30, I still feel the exact, same way in certain moments of my life. Time doesn't change everything.
I have sabotaged myself long enough. Today was a much better day because I actually got off my fat behind and got busy. For starters I actually exercised by taking HoneyBunny for a walk. She and I were both out of breath by the time we got home, but we did it and HB was SOOOOO happy about it. She loves walking. I wish I did. I hated every step I took but just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I cannot believe that years ago I was a cross-country runner and actually ran 10 miles a day. Right now I can't walk even a mile without thinking I'm going to die. I had great legs back then. In fact, I remember I could eat anything in the world and not gain an ounce. Right now I think about food while walking and gain weight. Hopefully, the tide will turn soon.
I picked up my daughter from practicing for a Christmas play at a local church. I then went shopping for HB and got her a little harness. With the way she walks so excitedly with the leash, she jerks her head forward a lot and chokes herself and hacks and coughs. The dog harness is much better and she didn't gag once. It even felt like there was more control while walking her because her jerking her head forward didn't affect me at all while using the harness.
I've been working on homework today and though I'm still behind I feel better about it because at least some tasks are being accomplished.
I took a shower after the walk and dried my hair and am now eating a nice salad. I love fruits and vegetables and am currently eating a mixture of carrots, green peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, chickpeas, olives, almonds, a little feta cheese and a boiled egg. I don't use salad dressing because it's not needed. I like the taste just the way it is.
Today I was thinking about how difficult it is at times to get going on tasks that need to be completed because it seems so overwhelming, but once you do get started it gets easier and I've even experienced periods of relief today. When I don't get done what I need to I just feel so horribly lazy and that always makes me feel worse and has the opposite affect on me wanting to get stuff done. Nike has a good slogan..."Just do it". I need to remember that and not get so caught up on the negatives. Sometimes I try so hard to be perfect that if I can't finish a task perfectly I don't want to even start and then I get behind and then I feel bad and then I feel overwhelmed and then I feel depressed and anxious and then it's even more difficult to JUST DO IT.
So, I'm doing it today. I am going to continue. The sabotaging has to stop. It's so ridiculous when I think about it.
