Honesty Scrap Award

Brent over at Musings: Night/Life in Hell-A gave me the "Honesty Scrap" award. I don't know where all of these awards are coming from, but I'm not complaining. Thanks a bunch, Brent!

I now need to write 10 honest things about myself and then pass the award on to others. Since I always am honest on this blog I am going to think about 10 things that I would not normally say on this blog. Just because I am honest on this blog doesn't mean I put everything out there. I won't put everything out there now, but I'll try to put a few things out there. I'll start with simple things first.

1. I went skydiving a few years ago when my husband and I were dating. It was incredible to throw yourself out of a plane at 13,000 feet. It is an experience I won't ever forget. (OK that was an easy one!)
2. I was served papers the other day. Nope, haven't blogged about it due to being too upset. I have never been served papers before. A policewoman showed up on my doorstep with legal papers from a credit card company that I owe money to. I have always been able to pay my bills until being in a psychiatric hospital for my depression. After being in the hospital I also lost my job and it took awhile to find another one. That was two years ago and I am still financially reeling from it all. I need to claim bankruptcy per various financial advisors and even a bankruptcy attorney. I haven't done it yet because I am a contractor at my job at a place that may let me go if I file bankruptcy. I am worried as well that it will be difficult to find another job that would hire me with bankruptcy on my credit history. If anyone has advice I would appreciate it. I have a few days to contact the company. I still have not because I really don't want to face it all though I really must call them next week.
3. My first memory of life was being sexually abused. I was two years old and my babysitters son who was an older teenager had me going down on him. There have been times in my life where I wonder if I would be a different person today if that had never happened. I grew up thinking that this was normal. I will never forget when I realized that this was not normal. I felt so ashamed.
4. I haven't been doing well this past week. Though I have been able to work from home, I haven't been at work very much. Thankfully, they haven't commented at work about it because I have been getting quite a lot of things done, but still...I need to be at work. 
5. I've gained more weight. I want to lose it. I feel horrible. ugh.
6. I stopped smoking over a year and a half ago but do have a cigarette during stressful times. I haven't had a cigarette in a few months. When I do have them it's like one every few months but I did have one today. My husband was driving me crazy the entire weekend and I've cried more than usual and today I broke down and had one. It didn't fix my problem.
7. I feel that I lack discipline the older I get. I blame that on my mental and physical health. I am tired of being disciplined and feel damn immature saying that. Dying would be so much easier. Really.
8. I received an entire year of free membership to the local gym from a friend of mine and has my fat ass even walked in the door other than signing up? Not at all.
9. I have been having horrible bouts of insomnia lately to where I have stayed up all night for nights on end. It's even gotten to the point that I can't keep up with what day it is.
10. I am not proud of myself. I am a fat ass with zilch self-confidence and I feel I'm not doing anything to help myself. I am constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off to help others and do for everyone but myself and I am damn tired of it. I feel bad when doing something for myself. I need to get over it.

That's it for tonight. Ick, this ended on a bad note and I apologize. I hate myself right now.

In lieau of sending the award to others, I would like to invite anyone to do the same and post the award on their blog if they would like.

Thank you once again, Brent, for thinking of me. It's not your fault that I'm feeling so negative right now. It's just sometimes being so very truthful dredging up things I don't normally even talk about hurts.

Psych Central Best of the Web!

If it wasn't for John mentioning it at his blog, Storied Mind (incredible blog, by the way), I would have never known that this blog was chosen by Psych Central as one of the "Top Ten Depression Blogs of 2008". What shocking news! I had to read his post again because I felt I didn't read correctly the first time. I then visited PsychCentral and read what they had to say about the blog and just sat dumbfounded. I didn't move for a full minute and my mouth was wide open in amazement.

I have no idea how Psych Central learned of this blog. I feel very honored to be in the company of others who received the same award. I am still in complete and utter shock.

Thank you, Psych Central!

Oh My Lawd....

It's 12:02pm and I have been up since last night at 10:00pm working from home. I haven't slept since two nights ago and I'm dizzy with exhaustion.

To make a very long story short since my last posting, the following are a few updates:

• I had a very busy Christmas and did not have once chance to blog about anything. In fact, I was rarely on the internet except for work. I have so many e-mails waiting to be checked on.
  
• I finished out the quarter at university with A's in both classes. The 10-page research paper was finally completed, C++ programs were written and my 4.0 GPA wasn't compromised...whew! I am finally a senior! Who would think the moment would arrive? I certainly did not.
  
• A girl I used to work with called asking if I would like a one-year free membership to a local gym. She won it at a charity auction and wasn't going to use it. I could not believe my luck while saying I would love to have the membership and maybe this year will finally be one that is full of health and weight loss.
• Our Christmas was the best Christmas we have had in years, which was quite refreshing.
• Christmas did start with some family dysfunction due to seeing my biological father for the first time in years, but it ended up on a good note (not with him, but Christmas in general).
• We have a new dog named Foxy who is my husband's cutie. He is thrilled to have her. 
• HoneyBunny wasn't so sure about Foxy at first, but they are getting along a bit more each day.
• My husband's and my anniversary was December 27. We spent a very nice anniversary with each other. It's been eight years together with six being married. Things have been going better between us.
• I got sick this past week and worked from home. Thankfully it wasn't mental illness, but physical with nasty symptoms such as headache/throat ache/fevers/exhaustion/hacking/coughing/body aches/sneezing/etc. I'll take that over mental illness any day. It's been a whole bunch of fun and we weren't able to go out for New Year's Eve because of it. Oh well, better luck next year.
• I'm still not feeling great, but am better, thank God.
• My daughter's 16th birthday is coming up in January. She is dying to have a special "Sweet 16" birthday. If ya'll have any ideas, please let me know. 
• Thank you everyone for your support, advice and everything ya'll have done this past year for me. I owe each and every one of you so very much because you each have helped me more than you realize. I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season because you certainly deserve it.
• I am finally going to take my poll down. My husband said that he would not go to a hotel to spend the night for no reason. It was good to be able to tell him everyone's feedback. Thank you all for your objectivity.

I will blog more about specific bullet points later. Right now I'm going to blog around and read what's been happening in your world. I've missed all of you!

Objectivity Sorely Needed

As you can very obviously see, I have installed a poll widget on my blog because I desperately need some objectivity and would like to know how you would feel.

Tonight my husband and I were talking about a good friend of mine who recently is having marriage problems and is currently staying in a hotel. We talked about asking her to stay with us if she would like as not to incur a lot of expenses during this difficult time. Out of the blue my husband said how nice it would be to go and stay in a hotel by himself sometimes to get away from it all. He has never talked about this before or done it (neither have I). To make a very long story short, here are the two sides:

• Husband: He said that it should be no big deal at all if he wants to do this. He thinks that it is absolutely healthy for people to want time on their own and go to a hotel room. He said that as long as the person isn't going to the hotel to be with someone nor does something wrong that it should be OK and I have a problem when I don't agree with him.
• Me: I think that it is perfectly natural to want time on your own; however, I don't understand why you would want to get a hotel room and spend the night away on your own to have that time. In my opinion, if a spouse or significant other wants to do this, it signals that there is an issue with the relationship and it's a big red flag. I also don't understand why he would want to do this if he's not angry or something. Why wouldn't he want me to be with him? I am not a problem in his life. Why can't he go somewhere for the day, or go for a walk, drive, or something when he wants time on his own? Actually, when I think about it, he is on his own all day long (he is a student and has a highly flexible schedule) and I'm only home during the week after work at night. So, in this case, why does he need or want additional time on his own? Why does he want to sleep somewhere else?

Please note that just the other night we had a horrible argument where he was screaming that he wants a divorce because he is sick and tired of me. This and a lot of other things have over time made me feel very insecure in the relationship and when he talks about doing this, warning bells just ring like hell in my mind.

So, with objectivity and not taking into account what I have written, please check how you would feel in the poll above. Multiple answers are acceptable. You don't have to check just one option.

Thanks a bunch.

American Cheese at it's Best

Oh my word, is all I can say. It's a bit long but the first minute or so is enough to see the display. The house has 210,000 Christmas lights and is located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Can you imagine their electricity bill?

People in our neighborhood had their lights up on Thanksgiving Day. It didn't seem quite right to see Santa blinking in the yard when the turkey was still in the oven.

Enjoy!

Up All Night

It's 2:44am and I'm awake. From sleeping so much during this depressive episode (my lovely downward spiral), now I can't sleep even though my body is tired. It's more like my eyes and head are tired. Everything else is awake. I tossed and turned for a while until finally getting up because I couldn't stand it anymore and fired up the laptop. I'm behind in my schoolwork and next week is the last week (Thank God!) and I need to get things done, so I'm going to work on my C++ programming class work.

I've decided to stay up since I need to be getting ready for work in three hours and 45 minutes anyway. By doing this I'll make sure not to oversleep and will be dead tired tomorrow evening. Maybe I will be able to sleep well and then wake up early Friday morning and get my circadian rhythm going again in the right direction.

I made it into work today again at 11:30am. Yes, once again late, but I made it. The bad thing about getting there late is working late, but I'm not complaining. It was difficult to interact with everyone, but by tonight I was finally able to smile for the first time. Maybe I'm back in the upswing now. I certainly hope so.

Damn this depression.

On another note, I cannot begin to thank all of you for your support, advice and just plain listening (reading) to me. You have all helped so much more than you realize and I thank God for you all. When you post a comment here it e-mails me and I check it from time to time at work. Opening my e-mail and finding all of your comments have bolstered me through hurricane winds. Your comments have also given me much to think about and it's been very helpful.

I would also like to thank John D. at the Storied Mind. If you haven't ever visited his blog, please do so. I have been admiring the beauty of his blog for ages. Not only is it so very aesthetically pleasing to the eye with gorgeous colors, art, etc, the writing is extraordinary and has helped me a lot. He left a comment on my blog stating that he gave me an award called "The Lemonade Award" and here it is:

The rules of this award are as follows:

• Put the logo on your blog or post.
• Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
• Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
• Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
• Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

It will be difficult to pick only ten blogs that display great attitude/gratitude because there are so many inspirational blogs out there. The following blogs signify the ones that really kept me going during very dark times, who have made me smile or laugh like crazy when I never thought I could again and also from people who have supported me so very much that I will never be able to repay all the goodness they have put into my life. I would like to give this award to the following bloggers:

• Linda - You are the first to comment in my blog and the first blogger I met. You have tirelessly supported me through thick and thin and have taught me quite a bit. If only I lived in Australia, I would take you out for coffees and appletinis. Your writing continues to amaze me and I have so much enjoyed watching how your writing continues to get better and better. It's always been so good I can't imagine it getting any better, but it does! Oh, and by the way, my favorite still is the story you wrote when you were a teen about the girl walking out of the surf onto the beach. I still laugh when I think about it now! I have a special gift that I'm sending to Australia very soon as soon as I get caught up with things and can get to the post office. You are a gem and I love ya!!
• Daisy - You are such a very special girl who really has her head on right and I admire you so very much. If only I were like you when I was young and your age! Thank you for always e-mailing me to check in. You are a beauty.
• John Finn -  I found you via BlogRush when I saw your blog name of "Curdled: A Life Gone Sour". The name MADE me click on the link and I have never been disappointed that I did. Your life is so interesting, so mysterious and keeps me coming back to learn more about you. Your writing is great, you have had me in stitches laughing at times and I've even gasped "Oh my GAWD!" at times when reading what drama is happening in your life. Your support is much appreciated and your friendship is treasured.
  
• John D - Yes, I realize you gave me the award, but I didn't read any rule that says you can't re-gift it, so there you go! Your blog has been an inspiration to me and I thank you for all of your hard and serious work. Your writing is beautiful and I have always been excited to visit you and see what your next topic would be.
• Brent Diggs - I don't know how many times I have been completely in the dumps and visited your blog and smiled for the first time in a week as the page opened. Your writing is great, you have a wonderful sense of humor and your imagination is spectacular. I have always loved how you have such a sense of family as well. Please tell Dr. Toboggans that I miss him DEARLY, that is if you've found him, yet. I have a feeling he lives with you and eats your Frosted Flakes at 3:00am while you're sleeping and also deletes all of your blog posts which is why you seem to not have written as much lately. :) One last thing, I think it was so wonderful that you have taken a break from blogging and are blogging on your own terms now. You are working on that balance in your life and it's something that I need to do more often. Thank you for everything, Brent. You make a big impact on people's lives and I'm sure you don't even realize it.
  
• Soulful Sepulcher - You are THE WOMAN! The fearless Momma Bear breaking boundaries and fighting for your daughter to the end. Oprah Winfrey needs to recognize you on "The Best Mother Ever" show. You have fought so long and so hard and you keep ticking. Thank you so much for sharing your life in the blogosphere. The way you blog about pharmaceutical companies and the way you educate your readers is wonderful. Thank you for everything.
  
• Crotchety Old Man -Old Man, you make me smile and that says a lot coming from a chronically depressed person. :) Thank you for your kind words and your support. You are so very much appreciated. I want to see a picture of your ramp painted red!!
  
• Annie - You have been through so very much and you keep ticking as well. You are a superbly special soul and I hope one day you realize that because guess what? We certainly all see it. Thank you for sharing your life and really putting it out there. It takes a lot of courage and I admire you a lot.
  
• Immi -  Thank you so much for your support and concern. Thank you as well for educating your readers the way you do in your blog. Awareness is so highly important and you are doing everyone so much good just by being you. Thank you.
  
• Seaneen - I've just been getting to know you and I love you! You are such an inspiration to me. Keep doing what you're doing. You are very courageous as well and you are helping loads of people with your blog. I look forward to continuing to get to know you as I visit your blog more in the future.
  

If you haven't visited these bloggers, please do. You'll be glad that you did.

Some Things Never Change

Warning. If you are in a bad place, don't read this now. It may not help you a bit and if anything may make you feel worse. I don't want to trigger anyone.

I made it into work today. I didn't get there until around 11:00am, but at least I was there. When finally able to get myself out of the bed my internal dialogue went something like the following:

• I don't want to go to work.
• I can't face people today.
• I can't interact.
• I won't be able to focus.
• What the hell am I doing?
• Who am I kidding?
• I am a loser.
• Thank God the world doesn't depend on me to get things done or we would be extinct.
• What an arrogant thing to think!
  
• The economy is in shambles and I can't get out of bed? I could lose my job for gawd's sake and here I am not able to go because of what? BECAUSE I AM A LOSER!
• Do I really have depression or am I just a loser who is lazy as hell?
• I am a loser and am lazy as hell.
• I want to die.
• I want to just end this shit.
• I have no will to live any more or will to do ANYTHING!
• Wait...I have no will? What happened to it? What happened to my determination?
• What happened to me?
• I just want to die and end this.

I had these thoughts as I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my clothes, etc. The talk never stopped and the voice in my head never took a breath. It was incessant and made me even more miserable.

I got into my car, drove to work and trudged inside. Did I get a lick of work done? Absolutely not. I was a sitting corpse with a rotting soul only wanting to be cremated, turned to ashes and disappear in the breeze.

I couldn't focus though I tried. It became very frustrating because focus was next to nothing and I felt even more of a loser.

I did realize a few things today while rotting in my chair:

• I have no support system. I really cannot count on my husband or parents to be there emotionally for me in times like this. If anything, because my husband has treated me so poorly in the past while I've had a bad downward spiral into depression I never want to tell him the depths of my despair. I make excuses to make living with him during the dark time not as difficult. I can't talk with my Mom because she goes silent. She doesn't know what to say and both my husband and Mom become very worried to the point that it is of no benefit to me at all. In fact, it is a hindrance. Seriously, all I wish for during that time is acceptance and love. I wish someone would just hug me. They don't have to understand me, but acceptance would be most beneficial. The only support system I can say I have is my dog, HoneyBunny. She lays by me the entire time and never wavers in her love. She never leaves.
• I really have lost my determination in life. I have no clue where it went or how to get it back.
• I am seriously sick right now and need to check in with a doctor. I can't afford it with my crap medical insurance (mostly crap when it concerns mental health) and the cheapest counselor I've found is $110 an hour! Just going once a week would be $440 and going even once a month wouldn't be enough to help emotionally in the beginning at least.
• I really don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I've said this before, but I realized the depth of this even more today.
• I really do want to die because I just want to end the pain. If it weren't for my daughter, I would have been dead long ago. My mind has thoughts like, "Well, it would hurt her at first, but she will get better with time", "I can write her a letter and though she won't understand as much now, she will as an adult". It is called rationalization. I realize this. Once again, I wish I could see a counselor.
• I have tried so hard to be a good mom and am so worried that my daughter will remember her teen years as the time she realized her Mom has depression. I am worried that she will end up in a counselor's office one day as an adult talking about me and how I ruined her life. I then realize that it will most definitely happen if I do myself in.

I am crying now. I don't know what to do. I am so behind in my schoolwork, my Christmas tree isn't up yet, and for goodness sake, I just need a break from all thinking and feeling.

I just want to sleep.

The following song came out in 1987 when I was 16 years old. The Smiths sang it and the song name is "Asleep". At times like these I still listen to it. Some things never change...just like this damn depression.




Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...