Potential Job Update

I just received a call from the company I interviewed with yesterday requesting that I return this Friday at 11:00am for a follow-up interview. I will now be interviewing with the VP of the manager I interviewed with yesterday.

Butterflies are swirling in my stomach and I feel nauseous.

I sit here wondering why I'm not more excited and realized something: I'm scared that I'll mess up the next interview. My self-confidence is at an all-time low. It was difficult to act confident and happy yesterday. It was difficult trying to pass as a "normal" person. I felt kind of fake and hated that feeling.

Now this Friday I'm going to meet someone else higher up in the food chain and am scared that he'll see me for what I am: a psycho and a fraud.

Even though I feel this way I am also very grateful for the second interview request. It's a good sign that they are calling back so soon after just interviewing with them yesterday.

Still keeping my fingers crossed and thank you for all of the good energy sent this way. Things are looking good so far.

Interview Complete

This afternoon I went to the job interview. I actually made it WITH a suit on. Wonders will never cease. Even my hair and makeup were done.This is a massive feat in light of this past depressive as Hades week.

The interview lasted a little over an hour and a half. What the company and the team I was applying for is doing is quite interesting to me. Did I ever mention that I absolutely abhor and cannot stand what I do every day at my job? At least this company is working on applications and projects that mirror experience I already have. In fact, I was shocked at how much this position takes a lot of different things I've accomplished in the past and puts it all into one nice package. I only hope the lady who interviewed me sees that as well.

I am not going to be excited about the interview or opportunity. Jobs are difficult to come across these days in the technology world and I definitely do not live in the technology hub of America. I will stay reserved and just hope and pray every second of the day and night that I receive the callback I am hoping for.

On a side note, there are six people who work for this company who absolutely rave about how great the place treats their employees and how much work they get done along with bonuses they receive (even in
this economic downfall of an American nation) and enjoyable times they have working together. I worked with these six people years ago and it would be absolutely outstanding to work with them again. They all
agree. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and send good job-hiring karma this way. I do appreciate it.

I am absolutely exhausted, but I got through the day and I owe all of you a lot of thanks. After posting a quick e-mail to my blog and reading your responses this afternoon, it really helped me in getting through the day.

I love ya'll.

Back at Work Today

Didn't make it to work yesterday. I felt so bad about not going but could not do it. I was in bed the entire day sleeping until this morning. I was able to get my butt out of bed this morning and was here at 8:30am. Not many people were here because it snowed this morning. When it snows even one little flake around here the schools are closed. My daughter was extremely pleased.

I have an interview today at 1:30pm. I dressed the part but my heart isn't into it. I hope it goes well. I don't feel very confident.

I've already cried once at work. Thankfully, no one saw me.

It's highly difficult to be here, but here I am.

Free Online CBT Course

I found a free CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) course located at http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/moodgym. It's called MoodGYM and I registered for free, started by answering a few questions and am now going through the first course. It has been quite interesting so far. Not sure if it's great or not just yet, but wanted to give you all the link in case you wanted to try it out. Let me know what you think if you try it out.

I will be going to bed soon because it's work tomorrow.

I. Will. Make. It.

Hope is a Thing With Feathers...

Though this post didn't start that way, it ended not so well, so I would like to warn anyone in a bad place not to read this because it could be triggering.

Back home again. My husband took me to get my nails done. They look great. Afterward, he took me to dinner at our favorite Mediterranean restaurant in town. A lovely Lebanese couple owns the restaurant who we just adore. They light up the room with their sweet, enlightening energy and it felt great to see them. Dinner was lovely as always.

It was nice to spend time with my husband like that. My daughter is at her Dad's this weekend which is a good thing because I don't like for her to see me not doing well. A few days ago she asked why I haven't been to work and I explained that I have had a lot of physical pain with my period and sometimes the depression can get really bad because my hormones are all up in the air. I wish that was all it was, but I don't tell her much. I never talk about my depression unless it gets so bad and so obvious and she needs answers. Otherwise I don't burden her with it, which I think is for the best.

It was nice to get out and live a little. I have to say that I am exhausted. At one point I got so tired during dinner I just wanted to sleep, but I reprimanded myself and tried to practice mindfulness. That can be quite difficult. A lot of times I am not mindful enough to be mindful. I wish I could visit an ashram in India and live with monks for awhile to learn with them.

My husband really wanted me to enjoy myself tonight. He can be so funny and he said a lot of things that we just laughed about. He is known to be not very affectionate and he was very sweet and affectionate tonight. It was really nice.

I called my supervisor this afternoon while waiting for my husband to finish teaching his art class. She does know that I have depression. She is the first person I've ever worked with that I told. In the past I would tell companies that I was physically ill with something because I realize most people just don't understand. I was quite afraid of losing my job because I've missed so much time this week. Not only that I haven't been at work much since the new year even though I was working from home. Perception is reality and a lot of people other than my supervisor and her boss don't realize I've been working from home so to them I'm sure it looks like I'm never there and they wonder what the hell is my problem.

She did say that people were talking about me not being there and questioning why. She doesn't tell them my problems with depression and since I have missed so much time she said it put her in a tough spot. She said that I do great work when I am there and I'm the best on her team and she does understand that I have issues, but at the same time she is afraid that it looks like she is favoring me because when she is out of town she has me do her work along with my own and lead the team. Team members get jealous and make comments when I'm not there. You would think we were in elementary school. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that they don't understand, but still, I wouldn't think the way they do if it were someone else.

The fact of the matter is that this week I didn't get my work done, I was working on a highly visible task in the project and she said it became quite political when I wasn't there and she felt in the middle of it all and didn't like being put in a bad spot. I felt terrible. I told her that her feelings are completely valid. She said that she continues to hope that I will get better but I can tell that she is running out of patience. She didn't say it, but I could hear it. I am running out of patience with myself.

She is the first person I've worked with that I really became good friends with. We go out to lunch quite a bit together and it has become obvious that people on the team don't like it because they think she favors me more. In reality she doesn't. When we go out to lunch we don't talk about work, but about our life, family, etc. We go to lunch to escape from work. She is a lovely person and a good friend. She has run interference for me in the past when I had depressive episodes. She just got promoted to a management position a few weeks ago and is worried that if she continues to run interference for me when I'm not there that it will make her look bad and they will wonder why they made her a manager.

I feel bad to have put her in this position. I told her that I will be at work Monday. It is a holiday Monday but I'm going anyway because of being so far behind. I told her that I'm going to work my butt and maybe we shouldn't lunch together until she feels ready. I could hear her relief. It makes me sad. I told her that I wasn't going to ask her out to lunch, but for her to just let me know when she wants to go. I don't want her to feel that people are talking about her behind her back and that is exactly how she feels.

Just to let everyone know, my job is not protected. I am a contractor and they can let me go at any time for any reason, even if it's no reason at all. I am not a full-time employee and do not hold the same rights as one. I am in the technology field and we are working on a project which has its first release date in a few months. It is highly imperative that the web application is released on time. I see a lot of hours coming up because the project as a whole (not just my work) is so far behind schedule. Some people have likened this last push to the release date as a "death march". If this company doesn't feel that I am producing what I need to produce they will get rid of me. They don't need any dead weight. I do not live in the technology hub of the world and it will be difficult to find another job. That is one reason why I am interviewing for a full-time position at another company Tuesday. I really want to have a full-time job in order to have better benefits and it will feel more permanent and not as precarious as my current contracting position.

I will feel embarrassed to go back to work Monday. I will feel more embarrassed Tuesday when everyone will be back from the holiday. I really wish that I could stay at home and fully focus on getting better. I wish I could afford a psychiatrist and therapist and yoga classes, walks on the beach and naps. I wish I could spend my days reading self-help books, being in groups with others, volunteering my time with the homeless, children with leukemia, nursing homes and animal shelters. I wish I could be that mother who has freshly baked chocolate chip cookies ready for my daughter when she gets off the bus from school. I wish I could be that wife who has a lovely house and wonderful meal ready for my husband and daughter. I wish my brain would get better and this depression would go away and if this isn't possible, I wish I could go away from myself.

You have no idea how many times I thought of ending it all. I have the perfect plan. I will go to work on a weekend and go into the bathroom. In a plastic bag will be letters to my loved ones. I want them to be in a plastic bag so that they don't get wet or messed up. I will take a bottle of water, wear my heavy coat that feels like a blanket, go to the bathroom and down a bottle of Ambien. Doing this will ensure that my family won't find me in this way. The floor in the bathroom is tile and that will ensure I won't mess the floor up for any reason because it can just be mopped. I thought of doing this in the woods but I'm afraid that the letters will be lost. I could mail the letters but what if the post office lost them? So, the bathroom at work is the best, I think. I do feel really bad when thinking about whoever it will be that finds me. I don't know how to get away from that.

Do you see how my mind works? I can go from what a nice time I had at dinner with my husband to eating a bottle of Ambien in the bathroom at work. It becomes tiring to think this way.....and old. Very old.

OK...let me practice mindfulness...

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

Inhale slowly...

Exhale gently...

I will get through this.

Yes, Catherine....I will get through this.

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and support. It means a lot to me. I hope not to let you down through this journey. I hope to make you proud. I hope to make myself proud that I got through it. I hope to get through it. I hope to really live and not just exist. I hope, and hope and hope. At least that isn't dead yet.

As the great poet Emily Dickinson said and it is my favorite quote:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.

Out of Bed

Today I was able to not only get out of bed and get dressed but also put on makeup. That's a small feat. Even my teeth are clean. This week it got to the point where even brushing my teeth was a chore. My husband is currently giving an oil painting lesson in his studio. I am in our bedroom waiting for him to finish. Before he started the lesson he came into the bedroom to wake me up and said to get ready because he wanted to take me somewhere. I have no idea where. I didn't want to get up and it was difficult, but I did and am now waiting for him to finish.

I have been in bed so much this week that I actually got out of breath getting ready. That is how fat and out of shape I am. Being in bed 24/7 this past week certainly doesn't help. At the doctors yesterday the scales screamed "237!". Yes, I have gained weight again. I knew it and wasn't surprised. I am going to take down my weight goal widgets here until I start consciously working on it.

My husband is finished with his art class and is ready to go. I'll blog again later tonight.

Prozac and Sunshine

I haven't been to work all week and no work has been done from home. I've been in the bed and not able to get out. I've slept the sleep of the dead. Unfortunately, I am still alive.

Today I went to the doctor. I had an appointment at 11:30am and missed it due to being asleep. I woke up at noon realizing it was missed, called the doctor's office and thankfully they took me in at 4:15pm. I actually made it on time.

Once again I face my doctor looking like complete shit while telling him I can't take this anymore. I am tired of this unending cycle plaguing my life. I cry off and on like an idiot. Told him how up to this point there have been issues sleeping. I either don't sleep at all or sleep too much. Told him of going through a cycle where I could hardly sleep for a few weeks and now I can't get out of bed. My depression is in full-force right now and I can't see past it. I may lose my job. I listened to a message on my voice mail from my supervisor where you can hear in her voice that she has basically lost patience with me. She warned that it was looking bad to others that I haven't been into work and that people are talking. When I finally do get better and IF I still have a job, it will be difficult to go and face these people.

My doctor said that I need sunshine. Sunshine will help the vitamin D in my body and regulate my sleeping.

He took a bunch of blood to test later and also added Prozac to my daily RX. I'm already taking Wellbutrin and he wants me to continue taking that along with Prozac.

Let's just throw medication to the problem.

The doctor has lost patience, I think. He said that if the Prozac doesn't work he thinks I need to see a psychiatrist who is more specialized. I explained how my insurance is severely lacking in the mental health arena and that I could see him every day and only pay a copay while I could never afford a psychiatrist.

My last post should have been a red flag to me. I should have realized then that I was about to hit the downward spiral. I haven't felt well since the last post. Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I just can't talk very well in times like this and that is why I haven't posted a response to your comments. Two of my friends from high school wanted to meet for dinner together this weekend. I ended up calling one of them after they texted a message saying, "Have you fallen off the face of the earth?" because I never called her back. I ended up crying on the phone with her. It's so embarrassing.

One bright spot today is that the nurse at the doc's office told me about a good therapist. I called after the doctor's appointment out of desperation and she charges only $60 an hour. I am shocked. The lowest I had found so far is $110 for 45 minutes! I will visit her this upcoming Thursday after work...That is if I still have a job left.

I have an interview this upcoming Tuesday. If things don't change fast I'm not going to do very well.

Maybe I should sit in the sunshine.

Sheesh.

Since I did just have my period my doc did give a prescription for a birth control pill that you take for three months straight and only have your period once a quarter. That should help because I always crash with my period. Sometimes worse than others and this is a pretty bad one.

I realize I am doing better today though because at least I was able to get my fat ass in the car and drive to the doctor and I'm also blogging about it. During the worst of it I can't even blog.

When I think about losing my job I literally cannot breathe. I am the breadwinner and if I lose my job I'll be up shit-creek. That will be one more thing and I can't handle even thinking about it. I still haven't contacted the company that served papers, either, by the way.


This is one upside-down post. I apologize.