The Rollercoaster of My Existence

This morning I woke up and felt better than I have in weeks. I finally got some sleep last night when getting home after having my hair colored (I also added a few highlights as well and it looks great). This morning I popped out of bed, had a shower, got ready, even put on eye shadow (during my bad days I only wear eyeliner and a little mascara), sprayed one of my favorite perfumes, visited the kitchen and made breakfast and lunch to take to work and here I am. I felt very happy while scurrying around the house with my soul feeling more light and free. While driving into work I realized how good I felt compared to the last few weeks and though I am grateful for feeling better, I also realize how up and down I have been for the last three years of my life. Thinking about it can make me feel crazier, if that's possible.

I called my Mom and told her that I feel much better and also commented on how tired I am of riding this rollercoaster. I can feel down for weeks and then feel much better, get excited about it only to crash again. Since I started adding Prozac to my daily RX regimen, I am curious if it's the Prozac helping me to feel better, or do I feel better on my own, or what. I finally decided to not question why and just enjoy how I feel. In order to do this I need to accept the rollercoaster of my existence. That is difficult to do.

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Do I dare hope to be cured of depression? Will there be a day when the depression is manageable once again? Will this rollercoaster ride ever end?

Eating to Stay Awake

I'm at work e-mailing this post to my blog. I can't visit my blog from work because it would not be good for my blog address to be tracked by Big Brother here and they read everything I've written. Nope, not a good thing at all.

I just bought some M&M's. It is a rarity to purchase M&M's or any type of candy. Usually I get them at the movies or when I can't stay awake at work. Nothing like a sugar rush to come down from. For the last hour the only work accomplished is keeping my eyelids from drooping down to the floor and so I finally got up and bought the sugary pills. Hopefully, they will keep me awake until at least 4:45pm when I have to leave to get my hair done.

A very sweet lady performs miracles every six weeks by vanquishing the massive amounts of white hair springing up all over my scalp. Because of her people are shocked that my hair is over 50% white (not gray, mind you, but starch white). When I get older I'm going to say to hell with it and grow it out and be white-headed, but for now my husband says I look too young for it and to cover it.

I have hardly been online for the past week except to check mail and mail blog posts. Thank you for all of your wonderful comments. Since I can't visit my blog from work I haven't been able to post replies to them, but I have read them in my e-mail box. I wish there was a way to post blog comment replies via e-mail as well.

This weekend I didn't get online at all. Saturday I went to my cousin's house and spent the day with her and her family. I always love going over there. She and I grew up with each other and are like sisters. I adore her six-year old. Ahhhhhhddddoooooorrrreeee her.

I haven't been able to visit any blogs and other than a quick perusal via my mobile phone of a few in the blogging world I'm in withdrawal. Hopefully this upcoming weekend will give me time to catch up with all of you.

Speaking of blogs, please check out http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com. Sister Mary Martha is a nun whose blog is filled with humor (hilarious!), stories, and she answers everyone's questions about the Catholic religion along with giving other nuggets of wisdom. I really think you will enjoy her. Let me know what you think.

I haven't heard from the other company about the new job. I did receive a text message from a friend of mine that works at the company late Friday stating, "The word is they want to hire you. Congratulations!".

Don't get excited yet.

I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to hear that they want to hire me, but I don't want to get too excited and for whatever reason they decide at the last minute to hire someone else, or all of a sudden they don't want to use the budget for the position, or they don't pay very well. There are a myriad of reasons why this may not work out and I refuse to celebrate until I sign the dotted line. I am worried about my credit because I had to sign a release allowing them to check it. As you know, my credit has stunk since I was in the padded room at the hospital. Before that it was all butterflies and ladybugs and now it's credit collectors calling, writing and serving me with papers.

This company is a bank, so it could happen. I do have to say that a friend of mine works there who has a credit score that is less than 500 and he is a full-time employee. He was hired about two years ago, and hopefully they won't be bothered about my score either. I realize that a company shouldn't use a credit score to make a decision to hire you (I wouldn't be handling money, anyway), but as you know they can tell me whatever they want to say and not the real truth if this doesn't pan out.

I'm also not excited about the job just yet because I have no clue concerning how much they want to pay for this position. On their paperwork there are areas for you to fill out how much you are currently being paid and how much you were paid at each job for the last five positions. As a rule I never enter this information. This leaves things open in the pay department until I receive the call from the HR department of that company wanting to know.

I feel quite down today, which I believe is attributed to lack of sleep last night. I need toothpicks to keep my eyelids from falling. I can't wait to get to bed tonight.

Second Job Interview Complete

Just got back from the second interview and am now back in the office of Hell. While sitting in the interview this morning it felt entirely refreshing to see a company who actually cares about quality, cares about their employees, and wants to do things right the first time. Not only that, the people there are highly intelligent. I enjoy working for highly intelligent people because you can always learn something from them. For the last two years I felt like I've worked with do-do brains. I am not badmouthing anyone, but a lot of people here just don't make sense.

I haven't even blogged about my experiences at work because I never saw a point in it. It just fed my depression. Not that I don't feed my depression enough with all of these depressing posts, but at least I'm trying to be cathartic about it when blogging. I can't be very cathartic about it when talking about my present job because there's not much to be changed about it other than the job itself.

There are six people at the place I interviewed at today who I used to work with years ago. One of them I worked with six years ago at one company while the other five I worked with 13 years ago at another company. I love all of them. I enjoyed working with all of them. It's wonderful to be with them and I realized yesterday why. These people think that I do great work. They worked with me for years in the past and know what I am capable of. They knew me before the claws of depression sinked it's claws firmly into the middle of my soul. Don't get me wrong. I've always had depression, even as a child. It's just that I was able to mask it very well in the past and could always manage it. If these people knew that I had depression they would be shocked. They think that I am positive, outgoing, nurturing (the 5-person group that knew me used to call me a "mother hen"), and can get any job done before the deadline. They don't know the "sick Catherine". They don't know me as the girl who is constantly having terrible depressive episodes, horrible PMS and who gets some type of mental or physical illness all of the time. They know me as the "healthy Catherine" and what a refreshing way to be known once again!

I am worried that if I do get the job my depression will still be bad and it will affect my performance and attendance. I don't want to let these people down. I don't want to let myself down. I am hoping that if I do get the job and if the job is what I think it is, I will finally enjoy what I do and that will make a huge difference in my mental and emotional state.

The interview went very well, I didn't stumble in answering any questions, and actually, it was....fun. Very odd, really because I didn't expect it to be. I really enjoyed myself and it was great meeting the two people I interviewed with today. Now I am more excited about getting the job than I was before. That can be a bad thing because the more excited you are, the further you can fall if it doesn't pan out. I am concerned about the pay. They  haven't said anything about it just yet and I don't expect them to. If they are interested in me someone in HR will contact me and then we'll go through that discussion. I have no idea what they are expecting to pay and if what I make is comparable to it. In my last job interview a few months ago they wouldn't pay what I currently make by a lot and I couldn't take the job. I hope this doesn't occur again.

The last thing they said at the interview while I shook their hand was, "We'll be in contact very soon". Is that a good thing? What do you think?

Prozac and Interview Outfits (Sunshine Would be Better)

I have had a headache all day and wonder if it could be a side effect of the Prozac I've started taking. If you've taken Prozac in the past, have you experienced this? It's not just a headache, but also I have this clinching, or tight sensation in my jaw. Very strange and hopefully it will go away soon.

I'm at work today and have been trying to work all morning. It's been quite difficult due to this headache and my mind is all over the place. Focusing is an Olympic challenge and so far I'm not scoring any gold medals. My job is highly technical and my brain is highly inept at the moment.

Last night after work I went shopping and purchased something to wear for the interview tomorrow. I only have one business suit that I wear to interviews, or I'll scrounge it out of the closet when running out of clean clothes. It's funny because in the past people would ask if I was going to the interview when I wore it to the office. I would always laugh and say, "No, I've ran out of clean clothes and pulled it out". I thought I would get the same Tuesday but no one asked this time. I was happy they didn't because I have an "open book" face and even if I said "No" they may have perceived differently.

When discovering that I need to go back for another interview tomorrow I freaked out because my other work clothes are business casual and aren't great enough for an interview with a VP. I thought about wearing the same suit with a different shirt but worry that the first lady I interviewed with would notice. So, last night I went looking and found something very nice to wear that I can also wear again in the office no matter where I work. Friday is "Jeans Day" at work and am sure people will wonder why I'm not in jeans, but I'm not too worried.

A few posts ago (and I can't find it right now because I'm actually e-mailing this post versus writing it in Blogger), I mentioned how my supervisor wasn't very happy about me losing time from work. Basically, the conversation ended when I said that we could stop having lunch for awhile since people were talking that she may be exhibiting favoritism towards me and she sounded relieved and said that she thought it would be for the best. Today she asked if I wanted to go eat lunch together tomorrow. I told her that I couldn't but would next week. I didn't tell her that I have an interview at 11:00am tomorrow. She has no idea that I've been interviewing. I've not told anyone but you and my husband. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone until I get the job. If I don't get it, no one will be the wiser.

She seemed a bit miffed that I wouldn't go to lunch with her tomorrow and I could tell that she was curious why I wasn't, but oh well. This all feels so elementary and childish. I can't wait to get the hell out of this work environment. I absolutely hate what I do and have to say I'm quite sad about how things happened with her. Don't get me wrong, it's a job here and if I'm not at work and you need to fire me because I'm sick and can't be there, go ahead. I get it. But, don't start acting all weird and not be able to separate the personal and professional relationship. Don't chide me and say that it might be best not to go to lunch together for a while and five days later ask if I want to go.

With my mind swirling around like the butterflies in my stomach, I hope like hell I can do well in this interview. I hope I won't be like a deer in headlights when asked a question and I stumble around mumbling. I found out last night from a friend who works there that the VP I'm interviewing with went around to all of the people who I used to work with in the past who work there now (about six people) asking them all about me. The guy sure is putting a lot of time into learning more about me, especially considering he is a VP and his time is much more valuable than that.

I am nervous, nervous, nervous. I will get through it. At least I'll look nice if I fumble. Maybe he'll look at my outstanding new outfit and forgive me if I do.

Potential Job Update

I just received a call from the company I interviewed with yesterday requesting that I return this Friday at 11:00am for a follow-up interview. I will now be interviewing with the VP of the manager I interviewed with yesterday.

Butterflies are swirling in my stomach and I feel nauseous.

I sit here wondering why I'm not more excited and realized something: I'm scared that I'll mess up the next interview. My self-confidence is at an all-time low. It was difficult to act confident and happy yesterday. It was difficult trying to pass as a "normal" person. I felt kind of fake and hated that feeling.

Now this Friday I'm going to meet someone else higher up in the food chain and am scared that he'll see me for what I am: a psycho and a fraud.

Even though I feel this way I am also very grateful for the second interview request. It's a good sign that they are calling back so soon after just interviewing with them yesterday.

Still keeping my fingers crossed and thank you for all of the good energy sent this way. Things are looking good so far.

Interview Complete

This afternoon I went to the job interview. I actually made it WITH a suit on. Wonders will never cease. Even my hair and makeup were done.This is a massive feat in light of this past depressive as Hades week.

The interview lasted a little over an hour and a half. What the company and the team I was applying for is doing is quite interesting to me. Did I ever mention that I absolutely abhor and cannot stand what I do every day at my job? At least this company is working on applications and projects that mirror experience I already have. In fact, I was shocked at how much this position takes a lot of different things I've accomplished in the past and puts it all into one nice package. I only hope the lady who interviewed me sees that as well.

I am not going to be excited about the interview or opportunity. Jobs are difficult to come across these days in the technology world and I definitely do not live in the technology hub of America. I will stay reserved and just hope and pray every second of the day and night that I receive the callback I am hoping for.

On a side note, there are six people who work for this company who absolutely rave about how great the place treats their employees and how much work they get done along with bonuses they receive (even in
this economic downfall of an American nation) and enjoyable times they have working together. I worked with these six people years ago and it would be absolutely outstanding to work with them again. They all
agree. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and send good job-hiring karma this way. I do appreciate it.

I am absolutely exhausted, but I got through the day and I owe all of you a lot of thanks. After posting a quick e-mail to my blog and reading your responses this afternoon, it really helped me in getting through the day.

I love ya'll.

Back at Work Today

Didn't make it to work yesterday. I felt so bad about not going but could not do it. I was in bed the entire day sleeping until this morning. I was able to get my butt out of bed this morning and was here at 8:30am. Not many people were here because it snowed this morning. When it snows even one little flake around here the schools are closed. My daughter was extremely pleased.

I have an interview today at 1:30pm. I dressed the part but my heart isn't into it. I hope it goes well. I don't feel very confident.

I've already cried once at work. Thankfully, no one saw me.

It's highly difficult to be here, but here I am.