Smoke and Mirrors

Late yesterday afternoon I received a call from my contract company stating that the company I interviewed for contacted them about me working for them. They said that they would like for me to work as a contractor versus full-time. The deal is that the pay rate is 8K less than what I'm being paid now and my contract company doesn't think I'll get the job since it's for a bank and my credit isn't good. My contract company has been acting strangely ever since I told them last week that I interviewed with the company. For the first time in seven years they acted quite negative about the job and I never understood why.

After talking with them I called my friend at the company I interviewed with and told him what they said. He then told me the following:

• My contract company is a vendor for the company I interviewed with and they have a contract between them that states if anyone from the contract company tried to get a full-time job they have to notify the contract company and the employee has to start as a contractor and work for a minimum of six months. They can't hire the employee outright. This makes sense because the contract company doesn't want the company I interviewed for to "steal" employees from them. The problem I have with this is that my contract company never told me this little nugget of information and is acting like the company only wants me as a contractor when in all actuality they want me full-time but can't due to this legal contract the companies have between each other.
• Since I would be a contractor with the new company, the new company doesn't request my credit information and my contract company never sends this information to them. Why my contract company is telling me that the new company won't hire me because of my credit score is completely mysterious to me.
• I can't tell my contract company I know these bits of information because my friend working there asked me not to, so I'll never have these questions answered in my mind.
• I asked if my pay rate for the job could be increased by 4K so that I would only lose 4K and they said probably not because the owner of the contract company set the rate herself. I asked them to ask her for me anyway. For all I know they could be making in excess of $25K on me and not giving me a fair cut of it.
• I cannot live on 8K less.
• I don't have  much of a choice since my current contract ends March 31st. My friend said that the contract company knows this and doesn't understand why they would "exploit" (his words) me like that. They are taking more of a cut from my pay knowing that there isn't a lot of jobs in my area anyway and they have the chance to lose me after six months if the company hires me full-time and I'm no longer a contractor.
• I have been personal friends with the owner of my contract company and her family for seven years now. This is the first time I feel something shady is going on and now I am scared of a) not getting the job at all and b) getting paid much lower than I should if I do get the job.

I was very excited about all of this and hoped to have an answer today. Now I know I have to be a contractor there, that is if I get the job at all. My friend said that the company really wants me to work there, but I hope that an issue doesn't arise with my contract company and whatever game they are playing at.

I visit my contract company today at 4:00pm. This will be an interesting meeting.

Funny How Life Works Sometimes

Today at work I was told that my contract is coming up March 31st of this year. I've known since last October that March 31 was my date and was not sure if the contract would be extended or not. I now know that it has not. On the bright side, at least I know two months in advance that the job is coming to a close. Not many people receive that luxury. On the other hand, it's stressful to know because it puts more pressure on me to quickly find a job.

I hope like hell I get the job at the company I recently interviewed with because it looks like a good opportunity and I know quite a few people there already that I enjoyed working with in the past. Yesterday the human resource department of that company called asking what I currently make and what I've made in past jobs. In the job application form there are fields that ask this question and I always leave it blank. I would rather talk about money over the phone or in person. I never like filling in those fields anyway because I always feel like they want to know what you're currently making so that they can give you a few thousand more to have you accept the job instead of paying what the job is actually worth. I may be wrong about this, but it's just how I feel.

I answered all of the questions and she thanked me and the conversation was over. This at least means they are working on it and seem to still be interested in me working there. As usual I am keeping my fingers crossed, but even tighter now since I know for sure my last day in Hell is March 31.

It's funny how life works sometimes. I find out that one job is coming to a close while waiting for another job to hopefully pan out. Now I won't feel bad if I do get the new job and tell my current contract company that I'm moving on. I always feel guilty about leaving a company. I certainly won't this time. That's a nice feeling when I think about it.

The Rollercoaster of My Existence

This morning I woke up and felt better than I have in weeks. I finally got some sleep last night when getting home after having my hair colored (I also added a few highlights as well and it looks great). This morning I popped out of bed, had a shower, got ready, even put on eye shadow (during my bad days I only wear eyeliner and a little mascara), sprayed one of my favorite perfumes, visited the kitchen and made breakfast and lunch to take to work and here I am. I felt very happy while scurrying around the house with my soul feeling more light and free. While driving into work I realized how good I felt compared to the last few weeks and though I am grateful for feeling better, I also realize how up and down I have been for the last three years of my life. Thinking about it can make me feel crazier, if that's possible.

I called my Mom and told her that I feel much better and also commented on how tired I am of riding this rollercoaster. I can feel down for weeks and then feel much better, get excited about it only to crash again. Since I started adding Prozac to my daily RX regimen, I am curious if it's the Prozac helping me to feel better, or do I feel better on my own, or what. I finally decided to not question why and just enjoy how I feel. In order to do this I need to accept the rollercoaster of my existence. That is difficult to do.

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Do I dare hope to be cured of depression? Will there be a day when the depression is manageable once again? Will this rollercoaster ride ever end?

Eating to Stay Awake

I'm at work e-mailing this post to my blog. I can't visit my blog from work because it would not be good for my blog address to be tracked by Big Brother here and they read everything I've written. Nope, not a good thing at all.

I just bought some M&M's. It is a rarity to purchase M&M's or any type of candy. Usually I get them at the movies or when I can't stay awake at work. Nothing like a sugar rush to come down from. For the last hour the only work accomplished is keeping my eyelids from drooping down to the floor and so I finally got up and bought the sugary pills. Hopefully, they will keep me awake until at least 4:45pm when I have to leave to get my hair done.

A very sweet lady performs miracles every six weeks by vanquishing the massive amounts of white hair springing up all over my scalp. Because of her people are shocked that my hair is over 50% white (not gray, mind you, but starch white). When I get older I'm going to say to hell with it and grow it out and be white-headed, but for now my husband says I look too young for it and to cover it.

I have hardly been online for the past week except to check mail and mail blog posts. Thank you for all of your wonderful comments. Since I can't visit my blog from work I haven't been able to post replies to them, but I have read them in my e-mail box. I wish there was a way to post blog comment replies via e-mail as well.

This weekend I didn't get online at all. Saturday I went to my cousin's house and spent the day with her and her family. I always love going over there. She and I grew up with each other and are like sisters. I adore her six-year old. Ahhhhhhddddoooooorrrreeee her.

I haven't been able to visit any blogs and other than a quick perusal via my mobile phone of a few in the blogging world I'm in withdrawal. Hopefully this upcoming weekend will give me time to catch up with all of you.

Speaking of blogs, please check out http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com. Sister Mary Martha is a nun whose blog is filled with humor (hilarious!), stories, and she answers everyone's questions about the Catholic religion along with giving other nuggets of wisdom. I really think you will enjoy her. Let me know what you think.

I haven't heard from the other company about the new job. I did receive a text message from a friend of mine that works at the company late Friday stating, "The word is they want to hire you. Congratulations!".

Don't get excited yet.

I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to hear that they want to hire me, but I don't want to get too excited and for whatever reason they decide at the last minute to hire someone else, or all of a sudden they don't want to use the budget for the position, or they don't pay very well. There are a myriad of reasons why this may not work out and I refuse to celebrate until I sign the dotted line. I am worried about my credit because I had to sign a release allowing them to check it. As you know, my credit has stunk since I was in the padded room at the hospital. Before that it was all butterflies and ladybugs and now it's credit collectors calling, writing and serving me with papers.

This company is a bank, so it could happen. I do have to say that a friend of mine works there who has a credit score that is less than 500 and he is a full-time employee. He was hired about two years ago, and hopefully they won't be bothered about my score either. I realize that a company shouldn't use a credit score to make a decision to hire you (I wouldn't be handling money, anyway), but as you know they can tell me whatever they want to say and not the real truth if this doesn't pan out.

I'm also not excited about the job just yet because I have no clue concerning how much they want to pay for this position. On their paperwork there are areas for you to fill out how much you are currently being paid and how much you were paid at each job for the last five positions. As a rule I never enter this information. This leaves things open in the pay department until I receive the call from the HR department of that company wanting to know.

I feel quite down today, which I believe is attributed to lack of sleep last night. I need toothpicks to keep my eyelids from falling. I can't wait to get to bed tonight.

Second Job Interview Complete

Just got back from the second interview and am now back in the office of Hell. While sitting in the interview this morning it felt entirely refreshing to see a company who actually cares about quality, cares about their employees, and wants to do things right the first time. Not only that, the people there are highly intelligent. I enjoy working for highly intelligent people because you can always learn something from them. For the last two years I felt like I've worked with do-do brains. I am not badmouthing anyone, but a lot of people here just don't make sense.

I haven't even blogged about my experiences at work because I never saw a point in it. It just fed my depression. Not that I don't feed my depression enough with all of these depressing posts, but at least I'm trying to be cathartic about it when blogging. I can't be very cathartic about it when talking about my present job because there's not much to be changed about it other than the job itself.

There are six people at the place I interviewed at today who I used to work with years ago. One of them I worked with six years ago at one company while the other five I worked with 13 years ago at another company. I love all of them. I enjoyed working with all of them. It's wonderful to be with them and I realized yesterday why. These people think that I do great work. They worked with me for years in the past and know what I am capable of. They knew me before the claws of depression sinked it's claws firmly into the middle of my soul. Don't get me wrong. I've always had depression, even as a child. It's just that I was able to mask it very well in the past and could always manage it. If these people knew that I had depression they would be shocked. They think that I am positive, outgoing, nurturing (the 5-person group that knew me used to call me a "mother hen"), and can get any job done before the deadline. They don't know the "sick Catherine". They don't know me as the girl who is constantly having terrible depressive episodes, horrible PMS and who gets some type of mental or physical illness all of the time. They know me as the "healthy Catherine" and what a refreshing way to be known once again!

I am worried that if I do get the job my depression will still be bad and it will affect my performance and attendance. I don't want to let these people down. I don't want to let myself down. I am hoping that if I do get the job and if the job is what I think it is, I will finally enjoy what I do and that will make a huge difference in my mental and emotional state.

The interview went very well, I didn't stumble in answering any questions, and actually, it was....fun. Very odd, really because I didn't expect it to be. I really enjoyed myself and it was great meeting the two people I interviewed with today. Now I am more excited about getting the job than I was before. That can be a bad thing because the more excited you are, the further you can fall if it doesn't pan out. I am concerned about the pay. They  haven't said anything about it just yet and I don't expect them to. If they are interested in me someone in HR will contact me and then we'll go through that discussion. I have no idea what they are expecting to pay and if what I make is comparable to it. In my last job interview a few months ago they wouldn't pay what I currently make by a lot and I couldn't take the job. I hope this doesn't occur again.

The last thing they said at the interview while I shook their hand was, "We'll be in contact very soon". Is that a good thing? What do you think?

Prozac and Interview Outfits (Sunshine Would be Better)

I have had a headache all day and wonder if it could be a side effect of the Prozac I've started taking. If you've taken Prozac in the past, have you experienced this? It's not just a headache, but also I have this clinching, or tight sensation in my jaw. Very strange and hopefully it will go away soon.

I'm at work today and have been trying to work all morning. It's been quite difficult due to this headache and my mind is all over the place. Focusing is an Olympic challenge and so far I'm not scoring any gold medals. My job is highly technical and my brain is highly inept at the moment.

Last night after work I went shopping and purchased something to wear for the interview tomorrow. I only have one business suit that I wear to interviews, or I'll scrounge it out of the closet when running out of clean clothes. It's funny because in the past people would ask if I was going to the interview when I wore it to the office. I would always laugh and say, "No, I've ran out of clean clothes and pulled it out". I thought I would get the same Tuesday but no one asked this time. I was happy they didn't because I have an "open book" face and even if I said "No" they may have perceived differently.

When discovering that I need to go back for another interview tomorrow I freaked out because my other work clothes are business casual and aren't great enough for an interview with a VP. I thought about wearing the same suit with a different shirt but worry that the first lady I interviewed with would notice. So, last night I went looking and found something very nice to wear that I can also wear again in the office no matter where I work. Friday is "Jeans Day" at work and am sure people will wonder why I'm not in jeans, but I'm not too worried.

A few posts ago (and I can't find it right now because I'm actually e-mailing this post versus writing it in Blogger), I mentioned how my supervisor wasn't very happy about me losing time from work. Basically, the conversation ended when I said that we could stop having lunch for awhile since people were talking that she may be exhibiting favoritism towards me and she sounded relieved and said that she thought it would be for the best. Today she asked if I wanted to go eat lunch together tomorrow. I told her that I couldn't but would next week. I didn't tell her that I have an interview at 11:00am tomorrow. She has no idea that I've been interviewing. I've not told anyone but you and my husband. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone until I get the job. If I don't get it, no one will be the wiser.

She seemed a bit miffed that I wouldn't go to lunch with her tomorrow and I could tell that she was curious why I wasn't, but oh well. This all feels so elementary and childish. I can't wait to get the hell out of this work environment. I absolutely hate what I do and have to say I'm quite sad about how things happened with her. Don't get me wrong, it's a job here and if I'm not at work and you need to fire me because I'm sick and can't be there, go ahead. I get it. But, don't start acting all weird and not be able to separate the personal and professional relationship. Don't chide me and say that it might be best not to go to lunch together for a while and five days later ask if I want to go.

With my mind swirling around like the butterflies in my stomach, I hope like hell I can do well in this interview. I hope I won't be like a deer in headlights when asked a question and I stumble around mumbling. I found out last night from a friend who works there that the VP I'm interviewing with went around to all of the people who I used to work with in the past who work there now (about six people) asking them all about me. The guy sure is putting a lot of time into learning more about me, especially considering he is a VP and his time is much more valuable than that.

I am nervous, nervous, nervous. I will get through it. At least I'll look nice if I fumble. Maybe he'll look at my outstanding new outfit and forgive me if I do.

Potential Job Update

I just received a call from the company I interviewed with yesterday requesting that I return this Friday at 11:00am for a follow-up interview. I will now be interviewing with the VP of the manager I interviewed with yesterday.

Butterflies are swirling in my stomach and I feel nauseous.

I sit here wondering why I'm not more excited and realized something: I'm scared that I'll mess up the next interview. My self-confidence is at an all-time low. It was difficult to act confident and happy yesterday. It was difficult trying to pass as a "normal" person. I felt kind of fake and hated that feeling.

Now this Friday I'm going to meet someone else higher up in the food chain and am scared that he'll see me for what I am: a psycho and a fraud.

Even though I feel this way I am also very grateful for the second interview request. It's a good sign that they are calling back so soon after just interviewing with them yesterday.

Still keeping my fingers crossed and thank you for all of the good energy sent this way. Things are looking good so far.