The Numbness

I am at work this morning and sending this to my blog account via e-mail. I never get to my blog these days it seems. Most of the time I don't know what to write about. There are times that occur few and far between where I do want to write, but in those times I'm driving down the road or in a place where I don't have my computer. By the time I get to my computer I have nothing to say again.

I have nothing to say because I'm at a point in my life where I just feel numb. So much has gone on that it feels like information overload and my mind's defense mechanism is to blanket myself in numbness. It works in the moment, but it gets to the point where I can't feel any more. If I do have a bout of feeling, extreme sadness pervades my being and the numbness returns.

The good thing is that my work has not been affected. I've decided that I can't let it be affected any more. No matter what I have to drag myself in and really, when I get into work at least I can stop focusing on the pain of my personal life for a bit.

I don't know who I am physically when I look in the mirror; therefore, I don't look at the mirror much. I have gained so much weight it appears that I'm dragging another person around with me all of the time. The huge clothes I wear are getting tight and the pounds continue to swallow me whole. It has changed my entire face, profile and aura. I feel that the more stress occurring in my life, the more the weight sticks to me like a parasite. In a perverse way, I wish I could go on one of those reality shows like "Biggest Loser" to be able to escape to a place where I work on myself and have someone that only cares about my best interests. I obviously don't care about my best interests or I would change everything.

My sex life is nonexistent. The other night my husband did ask if I wanted to and though I did want to physically, I didn't want to with him. I feel so ugly with him and didn't want to feel like he was porking a beached whale. And yes, I just wrote that. This is how I feel. The way he looks at my body sometimes is downright demeaning. He is an artist and highly visual. I cannot even imagine what thoughts go through his mind when he looks at me like that. He feels that I'm obese. Yes, I am overweight quite a bit, but I'm not 300 pounds. To me, obese is when you are 300 pounds or more if you have my body type and height. There are other people where 300 is not obese, but they are just a proportionally big person.

I feel like I can't have sex with my husband any more. Even if I lose mounds of weight and he wants to be with my physically, I think I will just feel resentful. I have always wanted to have sex with him and it really is a turning point in my life to no longer want to be with him in that sense.

Last night drama ensued again with my husband about my daughter. He really cannot deal with teens. She has her issues as we all do, yet at the same time she's not terrible. In fact, she is quite good. There are times when her hormones run wild and she doesn't think before she acts and can be quite impulsive, but she's not rebellious or evil.

To make a long story short, he said for the umpteenth time that he couldn't deal with things regarding my daughter and was leaving. Two weeks ago he said that he didn't want me to have to choose between him and my daughter but that it looked like it was getting to that point. He has said many times in the past that he was going to leave, but always stayed. Last night was the first time where I felt something break inside of me when he said he was leaving and I know I can't go back.

People say that I have the patience of Job. I don't know if I have that much, but I know that I have a lot. It's great that I can be patient for years on end with someone, yet the other hand, when my patience finally leaves me, it's more like a snap, a sudden breaking of something inside, and that's it. I can't go back.
This time I can't go back.

A while after he said this last night he said that he wasn't going to leave and he wanted to work on things. I have heard this so many times and am tired. I told him that I didn't blame him and think that I am expecting for him to give something of himself that he can't and that it would be best for everyone if it was over. I told him that I wanted to sleep by myself because I'm the type of person where if it is over, it's over and I need to have clear lines drawn in the sand. He ended up falling asleep in the bed anyway.

He was asleep when I left for work. He may think that things are going back to the way they are, but they are not.

I'm done.

Alone at the Beach

Still at the beach. I love Hilton Head Island, SC. It is very beautiful, not too touristy and the beach is so natural. High-rise buildings and tall signs/billboards are not allowed. All store signs must be low to the ground and in earth colors. We are staying in a condo on the beach and the dunes are gorgeous. So far we have seen deer, rabbits and other critters in between our condo and the beach living in the dunes and the beach itself is covered in sand dollars, small blue crabs scuttling around and starfish. Porpoises were frolicking in the surf as well as my favorite pelicans scooping the water hoping for a good catch. The weather has been truly amazing.

My best friend left to go back home with her family. It was a tight fit with everyone. Basically it was ten people in a place set up for six. There were so many children sleeping in the living room/kitchen area that you couldn't make coffee or even get to the sink in the morning until everyone woke up. My best friend got out of the psychiatric hospital this past Friday and seeing her here at the beach was wonderful. She is doing better now than she has in a long time. She commented last night while we floated in the pool that she feels more relaxed than she has in years. I'm very happy for her....and relieved. I'm worried that when she gets home she will become overwhelmed with reality and I won't be there to help her. I told her husband to remind her that there has been great progress and to take it one step at a time.

My husband is at home. Every day he says that he will drive out here, but has not. Every day there has been some type of phone drama with him and frankly I am tired. Last night I cried a lot and this afternoon I cried again because I couldn't get in touch with him and I was scared he ended it all. He's been talking about it for days, if not weeks, and when I called the neighbor who said that the car was there and he wouldn't answer the door, I just knew it was the end. I was frantic with worry and he finally called. His phone was in the bedroom vibrating while he was in the living room not hearing it. I just broke down in tears and told him that he frightened me. He promised to call if he was going to do it, though this doesn't set my mind at ease. I, of all people, know that a decision like that can be impulsively made and I don't put much stock into thinking he would pick up the phone first.

Since my friends left I was on the beach alone. My daughter is here with my nephew from France, his friend from France along with my best friends daughter who is my daughters friend. They bounced between the pool, beach and condo during the day while I hung out under an umbrella on the sand. My mind continually went through everything on my mind and it was difficult to think about much else. I looked around and noticed that not many people were by themselves at the beach. It felt quite lonely to see other families spending time together while my husband sits at home. I wonder if I am married sometimes.

I feel quite down tonight. I am in bed by myself while my husband is miles and miles away. This isn't how it is supposed to be.

And So....

I found a job and started work this past Monday. I worked there two and a half years ago and it was the place where I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. It feels pretty surreal to be back there.

My nephew is here from France along with his friend. My house has been full of teens for two weeks. Sunday we go to the beach for a week. I can't wait. It's my parents timeshare and they gave us a week to go. I am very thankful to them for that.

This past week was spent in training. I go to the beach for a week, which isn't bad at all.

My marriage is a mess.

My husband is mentally ill.

I am fighting depression. It hasn't claimed me yet.

My husband isn't going to the beach with us. He wants to be alone. He says that what he's going through isn't my problem. I really don't know what to think.

Some days I feel we will be divorced soon.

Every day he tells me that he wants to kill himself.

I haven't been able to blog. I have a Facebook account and every once in a while post statuses. Other than that, the creative juice isn't flowing and so I am silent.

I was out of work for eight weeks. I am behind in my mortgage and car payment.

My best friend from high school tried to kill herself. She has four children and I helped out with them while she was in the hospital. She just got out today. She is going to the beach with us. I hope that it will help her.

I am a fat cow. I have gained more weight and now weigh 250. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. He says that it has changed the sexual experience. Don't get me wrong...I realize I am ugly and fat. I wouldn't want to have sex with myself....but it still hurts my feelings and I still get horny and frustrated and feel even more ugly.

Enough of that....

I am trying to go forward in my life. I am trying to appreciate everything and have gratitude. I am trying to make my marriage work. I am trying to help my daughter navigate the murky waters of her late teenage years. I am trying to try.

Looking, Looking

Every day is spent looking for a job. Nothing has happened, yet. I've been out of work for two weeks.

Tonight I am drinking wine again.

Don't know what to say. I need to blog because it does help. Forcing myself to blog tonight though I just don't know what to say.

I have been trying hard to not let the depression rear it's diabolical head again.These past two days it's been difficult. I don't want to get out of bed, but am forcing myself to.

I am trying to find a reason to continue in life.

I don't know what else to say.

Drunk as Shit

I haven't logged into Blogger for so long it took three times. I am typing like a maniac and continue to make typos. You have no idea how many times I've used the "Backspace" key.

I lost my frickin' job.

It wasn't because I was sick.

It wasn't because I missed a lot of time from work.

If any employer should have fired me from missing work because of depression it should have been my last job.

Not this one.

I was traveling!

Going to Southwest Georgia and Pennsylvania....flying...having a great time!

I loved, LOVED my job.

I worked with people who appreciated me and who I worked with 13 years ago.

I am drunk while typing this.

The "Backspace" key is my friend. I used it while typing this sentence.

I lost my job. I am a loser. I am drunk. I am nothing.

I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't know what to say. Just trying to work and attend school. I didn't want to concentrate on the fucking fact that I have depression. I didn't want to be reminded of it. So, I didn't blog. I didn't type shit about it. I wanted to forget. I was scared I would have another depressive episode and find myself losing time from work. I haven't lost time from work, but I was fired anyway. I was a contractor. They told me not to come back.

I am without a job. I am out of medical insurance already. I have no dental or eye insurance. I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I am like my bioligical father who can't keep a damn job.

I am the breadwinner. I may lose my house.

It's funny because I had finally, FINALLY caught up with my bills other than credit cards. I had finally gotten caught up with everything! And then BAM, no job. It's over. The fat lady has sang.

I have been out of job for two weeks now. I shoot resumes like a machine gun. NOTHING. No jobs...nothing.

I drank a lot of wine tonight hoping to forget. I feel better physically with this wine swirling in my system. Not so much anxiety wracking my body. But I don't forget the fact that I am a loser. I don't forget that. I think I need bottles of Ambien to forget that.

I have missed all of you. I read your blogs secretly via my cell phone. The same cell phone that I will probably lose over time when I can't pay the damn bill because I am out of ajob.

I am nothing.

I am tired of this shit.

I loved that job. I loved everything abougt it.

I was finally happy.

I am now devastated.

Effin' Hell

Too much going on. I hate my laptop. It's so slow and I rarely get on it anymore. I need to start using it a lot more now because school has started back. I really need a new laptop. This one is quite old, no space left and as slow as frozen molasses. Since I can get on the internet with my cellphone I use it all of the time. All of my blogs are bookmarked on the phone and am keeping up that way, though the keyboard is horribly tiny and there are issues posting comments on other's blogs. I also use Facebook constantly, though I never thought I would. I now understand why it's called "Crackbook".

My new job is going well still. I love working there. I've had a few depressive episodes since the last one blogged about, but was able to go in and haven't missed any work since then. I am very thankful for this. I'm going to Georgia in two weeks for work and will be gone for three days. In May I'll be in Pennsylvania for work for four days. I can't wait. With the way things are going at the house, it will be nice to have a break.

I can't even blog about it much right now because there has been so much madness going on at home I feel as if I'm in a psycho ward from Hell. To make a very long story short, we recently found out that my 16 year old daughter snuck out at 2:00am a few weekends back to meet a boy while she was staying at her Dad's house. She went beyond kissing, though I don't think she had sex, but then again with all of the lies she has recently been caught in, I'm not so sure.

I am freaking out about it. This behavior is not normal for my daughter at all. My husband is absolutely freaking out about it. Let's not forget that he is from Morocco and with the way he grew up in his culture, and with the way his father was to live with, this incident has actually stirred up some childhood demons for my husband that he has never gotten over. This past Friday night I was driving him to two psychiatric hospitals and both couldn't take him because they didn't have time to evaluate him. We ended up driving back home and it's been Hell ever since. He has cried, screamed, raged, slept, and everything in between. He never cries, yet he's cried three times since Friday. He has said that he wants to kill himself, cut himself, leave, divorce, get the hell out of here, etc, etc.

My daughter is walking around with an attitude most of the time, yet other times she's sweet. I don't know who she is anymore. I do know that she is not just boy crazy, but obsessed and I don't know what I've done wrong as a parent for this and the other things we found out to happen.

I'll blog more about this later if I can. I need to write it out to perserve for memory's sake, but right now it's just too upsetting and is a problem too much in the forefront of my life that frankly, I'm tired of thinking about.

Climbing Out of the Hole

Once again I am feeling better. Monday and Tuesday were terrible. Yesterday I could finally write a little bit to express how I feel. This morning was difficult but it's getting better.

And the cycle continues.

I haven't been on my laptop in ages. I've been using my mobile phone for everything. The only thing I don't like about it is having issues when wanting to leave blog comments. It drives me nuts.

I need a new laptop. The one I have is old and slow and driving me nuts as well.

I'm still working out at the gym (except for Monday and Tuesday this past week), eating right, taking supplements, etc. I really am trying to change my life. I even get to bed by 10:00pm most nights. Last night it was 9:30pm. Before I stayed up way late and so I'm trying to get more sleep to see if it helps the depression.

I'm still taking Prozac. I'm thinking it may need to be upped a bit and will be discussing it with my doctor.

I think this is the most boring post ever so I'll end it here.