It's All About Him

I am sitting at work in my cube about to cry. I am trying to work, but cannot get out of my mind how upset I am becoming with my husband. I am hoping that I will feel better after writing this and can go on with my day.

I am getting to the point in our relationship where I don't even like him much anymore as a person. I wish I could tell him this, but I can't, just like I can't tell him a lot of things because he will go off on some long tangent of how he feels and completely miss the point of how I feel.

He is not respectful to me. He can be picking on me and hurt me physically and I tell him to stop and he won't. Then he makes fun of me for it hurting and says that I am making a big deal out of nothing. He loves to push people's buttons. Well, I say people, but I am meaning my daughter and me. Just yesterday she was playing solitaire and he went to her, took the cards and started flipping them everywhere. She told him to stop and he wouldn't and she got highly irritated. Then he got after her for being upset and acted like it was her problem.

He is like a little boy looking around for a problem and then complaining when people don't like what he's doing.

He will drape his legs and feet all over me in bed and I don't like it and tell him to stop because he makes me feel like he's using me and he's heavy but if we are on the couch and I drape one toe on him he tells me to stop. I stopped wanting him to drape himself all over me after he didn't want me to touch him. This has been something that has been happening over a very long period of time and I am at the point that I don't even want him to touch me.

Yet at the same time, I wish he would do things like hold my hand or show affection. He rarely does this. If I go to him and hold his hand, he takes it away after a small amount of time if not right away. If I hug him, he pats my back like I am a child or picks on me and makes fun of me for wanting a hug. He can never just give hugs because I need one.

In fact, he doesn't seem to want to give any of himself.

My 20th high school reunion is coming up. I didn't go to the 10th year because I wasn't interested. This year I am interested and want to go more because this is an American thing that people do, kinda like prom, and I want to try it out. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and he said no. Remember that he is Moroccan. I understand that he doesn't understand the traditions here. He wasn't raised here. I get it. But once again, what he wants to do is more important than what I want to do. Or so it seems to me.

He complained that I never hang out with these people anyway, so what is the point. He then went on to say that no one in this area provides any intellectual stimulation for him and he doesn't want to waste his time with anyone. I have some best friends from high school. They have some problems, as all people in life do, and he doesn't want anything to do with them. He complained that they have nothing to give him and I asked him why does a person have to give him anything? In reality, they aren't the most educated, but they do know a lot, and they are caring people just trying to make it in this world and they do care about us. It is fun to hang out with them and I care about them a lot. I love their children as well. They would give us their last dollar if they thought we needed it. That isn't enough for my husband. They have to provide intellectual and cultural stimulation for him AND have no issues at all. Basically, they need to be better than my husband so that he can look up to them and feel that he is learning something from them in order to feel that he should "waste" his time with them.

It makes me sick.

No one is good enough for him. I really don't understand why he married me. I am no intellectual or cultural giant for him and I'm fat. So, what did he find so compelling with me?

I cried when he said that he wasn't going to the reunion and told him that I would feel embarrassed if he didn't go and he said that "everything is so emotional with me" and that he is tired of it. He said that we just need to coexist. What the fuck? I feel that we coexist anyway, but I ask myself if we are married or not.

What is the damn point? I can coexist with a roommate and have more fun and less stress, if he really wants to know.

We never do anything with each other anymore and that includes things I do with my daughter. He stays home. If I go out with my friends, he stays home. When he and I go out, which is rare, it always ends in a fight or some emotional drama. I don't even want to go out with him anymore. If I go anywhere with others, he goes somewhere else or stays home. It's like we have different lives.

We still haven't had sex. He says that it's me now because he would like to. But I ask you, would you like to have sex with someone who considers you to be obese? Wouldn't you feel embarrassed the entire time you share that intimate moment? Wouldn't you worry what he was thinking about?

After he said that I was too emotional about the reunion, he then leaned over and whispered in my ear that he was sorry and he would go to the reunion with me. He said that he needs to learn to give me what I need.
The fact of the matter is that I have questioned myself on what needs he fulfills, and really I can honestly say none. I asked him the same thing and he said that he knows that he doesn't fulfill my needs. I asked him if I fulfill his or name needs that I don't fulfill and he said that I fulfill all of them. Do you know why I do? Because I fucking work at it. I do things that I don't want to do sometimes to fulfill his needs. That is fucking life. I wish he would get it sometimes.

Some Good News

I made a 98 on my political science mid-term exam and a 100 on my database management systems mid-term. Not too shabby. Still holding that 4.0 GPA. If only I can last.

The job has been going good. Seven projects have been assigned to me already and it feel like I'm drowning. I'm sure it will get easier over time.

I'm still married. My husband said that he really wants to make this work. We are going to get family counseling and he said that he will attend, which is a good thing. I hope that it helps. He also said that he would go to a psychiatrist to see if any meds will help him because he can't stand the chaos he endures and gives to others. My insurance starts September 1 and I'm hoping that he will still go then.

Taking a break from class and need to get back. I love my political science teacher. He reminds me of my grandfather who died when I was ten years old. I just sit in the front row, staring and listening to him. I wish my grandfather was still alive. I've missed him so much over the years.

The Window to my Soul

Today I was in a team status meeting at work and noticed that two people stared at me quite a bit. This doesn't usually occur and I wondered if there was something between my teeth, something in my hair or anything that would cause their curiosity. As I left, one of the people asked how I was doing. I said "Fine", smiled and walked to the bathroom.

For the first time in a while I actually looked at myself to see what could be wrong. Nothing was in my hair or teeth and nothing was protruding from my forehead to cause concern. I continued to look and then noticed my eyes and was shocked.

They look dead.

It looks like they have a muted expression and depression is screaming out of their orbs. Even the skin around my eyes is dark, which is not usual at all. One of my best features is my eyes, not only for the color, but also the expression they continually radiate. They are truly the window to my soul. Right now I think my soul is broken. It's black and my eyes reflect no light or joy.

It is quite surreal to see. I knew something broke inside of me last night. I felt it mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I wonder if my husband will notice it tonight.

The Numbness

I am at work this morning and sending this to my blog account via e-mail. I never get to my blog these days it seems. Most of the time I don't know what to write about. There are times that occur few and far between where I do want to write, but in those times I'm driving down the road or in a place where I don't have my computer. By the time I get to my computer I have nothing to say again.

I have nothing to say because I'm at a point in my life where I just feel numb. So much has gone on that it feels like information overload and my mind's defense mechanism is to blanket myself in numbness. It works in the moment, but it gets to the point where I can't feel any more. If I do have a bout of feeling, extreme sadness pervades my being and the numbness returns.

The good thing is that my work has not been affected. I've decided that I can't let it be affected any more. No matter what I have to drag myself in and really, when I get into work at least I can stop focusing on the pain of my personal life for a bit.

I don't know who I am physically when I look in the mirror; therefore, I don't look at the mirror much. I have gained so much weight it appears that I'm dragging another person around with me all of the time. The huge clothes I wear are getting tight and the pounds continue to swallow me whole. It has changed my entire face, profile and aura. I feel that the more stress occurring in my life, the more the weight sticks to me like a parasite. In a perverse way, I wish I could go on one of those reality shows like "Biggest Loser" to be able to escape to a place where I work on myself and have someone that only cares about my best interests. I obviously don't care about my best interests or I would change everything.

My sex life is nonexistent. The other night my husband did ask if I wanted to and though I did want to physically, I didn't want to with him. I feel so ugly with him and didn't want to feel like he was porking a beached whale. And yes, I just wrote that. This is how I feel. The way he looks at my body sometimes is downright demeaning. He is an artist and highly visual. I cannot even imagine what thoughts go through his mind when he looks at me like that. He feels that I'm obese. Yes, I am overweight quite a bit, but I'm not 300 pounds. To me, obese is when you are 300 pounds or more if you have my body type and height. There are other people where 300 is not obese, but they are just a proportionally big person.

I feel like I can't have sex with my husband any more. Even if I lose mounds of weight and he wants to be with my physically, I think I will just feel resentful. I have always wanted to have sex with him and it really is a turning point in my life to no longer want to be with him in that sense.

Last night drama ensued again with my husband about my daughter. He really cannot deal with teens. She has her issues as we all do, yet at the same time she's not terrible. In fact, she is quite good. There are times when her hormones run wild and she doesn't think before she acts and can be quite impulsive, but she's not rebellious or evil.

To make a long story short, he said for the umpteenth time that he couldn't deal with things regarding my daughter and was leaving. Two weeks ago he said that he didn't want me to have to choose between him and my daughter but that it looked like it was getting to that point. He has said many times in the past that he was going to leave, but always stayed. Last night was the first time where I felt something break inside of me when he said he was leaving and I know I can't go back.

People say that I have the patience of Job. I don't know if I have that much, but I know that I have a lot. It's great that I can be patient for years on end with someone, yet the other hand, when my patience finally leaves me, it's more like a snap, a sudden breaking of something inside, and that's it. I can't go back.
This time I can't go back.

A while after he said this last night he said that he wasn't going to leave and he wanted to work on things. I have heard this so many times and am tired. I told him that I didn't blame him and think that I am expecting for him to give something of himself that he can't and that it would be best for everyone if it was over. I told him that I wanted to sleep by myself because I'm the type of person where if it is over, it's over and I need to have clear lines drawn in the sand. He ended up falling asleep in the bed anyway.

He was asleep when I left for work. He may think that things are going back to the way they are, but they are not.

I'm done.

Alone at the Beach

Still at the beach. I love Hilton Head Island, SC. It is very beautiful, not too touristy and the beach is so natural. High-rise buildings and tall signs/billboards are not allowed. All store signs must be low to the ground and in earth colors. We are staying in a condo on the beach and the dunes are gorgeous. So far we have seen deer, rabbits and other critters in between our condo and the beach living in the dunes and the beach itself is covered in sand dollars, small blue crabs scuttling around and starfish. Porpoises were frolicking in the surf as well as my favorite pelicans scooping the water hoping for a good catch. The weather has been truly amazing.

My best friend left to go back home with her family. It was a tight fit with everyone. Basically it was ten people in a place set up for six. There were so many children sleeping in the living room/kitchen area that you couldn't make coffee or even get to the sink in the morning until everyone woke up. My best friend got out of the psychiatric hospital this past Friday and seeing her here at the beach was wonderful. She is doing better now than she has in a long time. She commented last night while we floated in the pool that she feels more relaxed than she has in years. I'm very happy for her....and relieved. I'm worried that when she gets home she will become overwhelmed with reality and I won't be there to help her. I told her husband to remind her that there has been great progress and to take it one step at a time.

My husband is at home. Every day he says that he will drive out here, but has not. Every day there has been some type of phone drama with him and frankly I am tired. Last night I cried a lot and this afternoon I cried again because I couldn't get in touch with him and I was scared he ended it all. He's been talking about it for days, if not weeks, and when I called the neighbor who said that the car was there and he wouldn't answer the door, I just knew it was the end. I was frantic with worry and he finally called. His phone was in the bedroom vibrating while he was in the living room not hearing it. I just broke down in tears and told him that he frightened me. He promised to call if he was going to do it, though this doesn't set my mind at ease. I, of all people, know that a decision like that can be impulsively made and I don't put much stock into thinking he would pick up the phone first.

Since my friends left I was on the beach alone. My daughter is here with my nephew from France, his friend from France along with my best friends daughter who is my daughters friend. They bounced between the pool, beach and condo during the day while I hung out under an umbrella on the sand. My mind continually went through everything on my mind and it was difficult to think about much else. I looked around and noticed that not many people were by themselves at the beach. It felt quite lonely to see other families spending time together while my husband sits at home. I wonder if I am married sometimes.

I feel quite down tonight. I am in bed by myself while my husband is miles and miles away. This isn't how it is supposed to be.

And So....

I found a job and started work this past Monday. I worked there two and a half years ago and it was the place where I ended up in the psychiatric hospital. It feels pretty surreal to be back there.

My nephew is here from France along with his friend. My house has been full of teens for two weeks. Sunday we go to the beach for a week. I can't wait. It's my parents timeshare and they gave us a week to go. I am very thankful to them for that.

This past week was spent in training. I go to the beach for a week, which isn't bad at all.

My marriage is a mess.

My husband is mentally ill.

I am fighting depression. It hasn't claimed me yet.

My husband isn't going to the beach with us. He wants to be alone. He says that what he's going through isn't my problem. I really don't know what to think.

Some days I feel we will be divorced soon.

Every day he tells me that he wants to kill himself.

I haven't been able to blog. I have a Facebook account and every once in a while post statuses. Other than that, the creative juice isn't flowing and so I am silent.

I was out of work for eight weeks. I am behind in my mortgage and car payment.

My best friend from high school tried to kill herself. She has four children and I helped out with them while she was in the hospital. She just got out today. She is going to the beach with us. I hope that it will help her.

I am a fat cow. I have gained more weight and now weigh 250. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. He says that it has changed the sexual experience. Don't get me wrong...I realize I am ugly and fat. I wouldn't want to have sex with myself....but it still hurts my feelings and I still get horny and frustrated and feel even more ugly.

Enough of that....

I am trying to go forward in my life. I am trying to appreciate everything and have gratitude. I am trying to make my marriage work. I am trying to help my daughter navigate the murky waters of her late teenage years. I am trying to try.

Looking, Looking

Every day is spent looking for a job. Nothing has happened, yet. I've been out of work for two weeks.

Tonight I am drinking wine again.

Don't know what to say. I need to blog because it does help. Forcing myself to blog tonight though I just don't know what to say.

I have been trying hard to not let the depression rear it's diabolical head again.These past two days it's been difficult. I don't want to get out of bed, but am forcing myself to.

I am trying to find a reason to continue in life.

I don't know what else to say.