HoneyBunny

 

This is my dog named HoneyBunny. Now, the reason that I am showing this picture is because you need to see what she usually looks like. She is a toy poodle and is 5 pounds. She is very tiny, very sweet, very intelligent and I just love her so very much. She has been a wonderful companion to me and we have become quite close over this past year (she is a year and two months old).



When I am depressed, this little angel disguised as a dog sleeps and lays down with me when I can't get out of the bed.



About a month ago she had an operation and the veterinarian said not to give her a bath until she completely healed, which was approximately 10 days. I normally give her a bath and groom her every weekend, but wasn't able to for awhile because her stitches did not heal very well and it took longer than expected for her to get better. She absolutely abhors grooming and doesn't like to even be brushed. Her hair is like cotton candy (or as they say "candy floss" in the UK) and mats very easily. I didn't want to bother her with brushing her because I knew she felt poorly, so she didn't get brushed and over time mats developed. Well, I say over time, but really in no time at all she had mats all over and then I really didn't want to brush her until she felt like it.



Today I was finally able to groom her because her stitches are out and she is able to be groomed. The bad news is that the mats were so bad in some areas that I finally had to break down and shave her with clippers. I was heartbroken to do this because I have been been grooming her for a year and her hair was really starting to get long and she had one of those cute poodle cuts. It has taken forever to grow out the hair on her head, ears and little tail, so I tried to save the hair in those areas.



Now she looks absolutely hilarious...I told my husband that she looks like an '80s rock star and he said that she favors Andy Warhol. This is what she looks like now. Make sure you go to the bathroom first before seeing the picture so you don't wet yourself laughing...



Ta Da!

 

 

 

 

I Don't Know Why...

but I feel a tad bit better today. That is the thing most tiring about depression...it's inconsistency. There have been times where I felt better than ever before and then it hit me and I was thrown down into a dark pit of hell again.

I remember when I used to feel better and would actually think to myself that the depression was gone and I was "cured". Then it would start up again and I would be sad and disappointed about it. Now I'm just so sick of it that even when I do feel better I wonder how long it will be before it hits again.

I am at the point where I actually visualize depression as this thing running very close behind me and I have to run like hell to keep ahead of it or it will bite my butt. And when it bites me, I'll be back in the bed with the covers of despair wrapped around me like bandages on a mummy.

I realize that this is not a good way to think because I am actually attracting negative energy when I'm being negative. However, it's difficult not to think that way when you just continue to get sick over and over again.

My husband and I are doing better. I talked with him last night while he was at his job and told him that I was just tired of it all. He called me back afterwards and told me that he wanted me to feel better and not go to bed feeling badly. Today he has been in a better mood and that is always helpful.

The thing about my husband is that he is so great to hang out with and I love him dearly. It's just the drama that evolves at times really makes me feel bad. It's difficult to walk on eggshells and that is what I do sometimes.

Oh well...I guess that is life. It's like weight and money...sometimes you lose and sometimes you gain. The only consistent thing about life is its' inconsistency.

Background Information

I never see my husband anymore. He just started a job where he works second and third shifts during the week. Sometimes I spend nights on my own while he is on the job and sometimes when I do see him at home he is either sleeping or doing other things he needs to do. I feel like a single mom again and it has been very difficult for me.

Prior to his job, he has not worked a "regular job" for the past five years. He is an artist and we agreed that he would start a business doing what he loved. He is highly talented and it just made sense. I worked a "regular job" and was the breadwinner for the family while he worked on his business. He worked really, REALLY hard for five years and I feel very badly that he was not able to make it a success. He deserves so much more than he received during this time and it just makes me sad.

Last year my depression got worse and worse. It just wouldn't go away and then it became debilitating. I couldn't function anymore and I ended up in an outpatient program at a hospital. Being in this hospital helped me a lot and I feel saved my life due to the therapy and treatments I received while there. They taught a lot of skills to help me deal with depression and I am grateful.

The unfortunate side of this story is that I was in the hospital for six weeks and during that time I had to take FMLA from work. FMLA is a federal law that allows you to take a specific amount of time off from work if you or a family member is sick and is not able to work. Basically, it protects your job. When I went into the hospital, I thought everything would be fine because I always have paid into my short-term disability and AD&D insurance at work. Well, I wasn't fine. I saw an Oprah show a while back where she said that most Americans are a paycheck or two away from bankruptcy. She hit the nail on the head because being in the hospital cost me a lot financially. My short-term disability insurance didn't kick in until the 21st BUSINESS DAY of being in the hospital and it WAS NOT RETROACTIVE!

Isn't that crazy?

Here I am the breadwinner and I missed so much time from work prior to being in the hospital because I was sick in bed and couldn't get up and then six more weeks while in the hospital trying to get the will to live again. That was last summer and I am still reeling financially from the income loss. Hence my husband working. Hence me never seeing him. Hence his sleepless nights and my sadness.

Now that he isn't home a lot of things that he was able to do previously he can't do now and I feel a lot of responsibility on me to get things done. I hope that this is just a transition stage for us both and it gets better.

Now that I have given some background, let me get to the point of this posting.

The point is that I never see my husband anymore and today when I got home from work and finally saw him before he vamoosed to work, he was in a horrible mood and said, "I hate my life" while trying to change light bulbs. I said to him, "Well, I hope that really you just hate your schedule and not your life". He said, "I don't really know and I don't want to talk about it".

Great...fabulous.

Did I mention he is from Morocco? He hasn't been home in seven years and is catching a flight home on Halloween. He'll be gone for a month. I wonder if he'll come back. I feel that he must ask himself the same question.

I hope that while he is gone he will be able to slow down for a while and just contemplate his life. I hope that during this contemplation he will realize how hard I have tried to make a good life with him. I hope that he will realize his life isn't so bad. I hope that he will find compassion in his heart for me because he has already said several times, "I feel no compassion for you and your depression...I don't understand it and I can't support you during it."

Once again...great...fabulous.

I hope that he appreciates me more and I hope that he will just calm down a bit.

It will be good for the both of us if he does.

My Letter to Depression

OMG..when will this feeling of depression go away? I feel like I'm carrying a two-ton load on my heart and mind. I HATE depression...absolutely abhor it. I wish it would just go away.

I haven't been well these past few days. I've been making it to work, thank God...but it's been difficult. When I get home I am down..down..down. I have been making myself get things done like organizing the house, washing clothes, making dinner, helping my daughter with her homework, etc. But why does it have to be so difficult?

If I could write a letter to depression it would be this:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Depression,

I have been wanting to write you all of my life, but I didn't know what to say because you absolutely silence me when I most need to express myself.

I thank you for your companionship throughout my life. I appreciate and admire your consistency and tenacity. Lately however, you are visiting more and more and though I don't want to hurt your feelings, I find this debilitating to my soul and I can't stand your visits anymore.

In other words...fuck off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been diagnosed with severe, chronic, and major depression. I've had depression my entire life and my gawd it will not go away. In fact, it gets worse as I get older.

I just can't stand it anymore.

Feeling Better...

Wow...it's the next day and I'm writing again. I think it's because I made my laptop hibernate last night and all of these windows were still open when I opened my laptop again tonight. Maybe that is what I need to do to remember to write. :)

My headache is gone and I am in a better mood. I really don't know why I'm in a better mood, and in the past I would have not cared and not questioned why. I question myself now because I am really trying to figure out my mood swings. It's like I can go for days and possibly a few weeks with no depression and then bam!!! Depression's blanket is covering my soul and I can barely breathe.

Today I spoke with a friend of mine named Steve. I met him a little over a year ago and it was wonderful to hear his voice tonight.

I also spoke with my Mom. She is going on vacation tomorrow and is in a great mood. I wish I was going on vacation...it's been over two years now!

My husband is home tonight and I'm so glad that he isn't at work. I miss him so much. I feel comfortable when he is home. When he works at night I feel very disturbed and can't sleep at all. I love him a lot.

Today my daughter got her school pictures and they are WONDERFUL! She is such a gorgeous and sweet girl. I love her endlessly.

Tomorrow is work...and I'm going to get ready for bed now...

First Time

Just trying to do something...

I am tired and it's already 1:03am. I have to get up early to go to work and I don't know why I am laying here with my laptop dangling between my knees as I type absolutely nothing into this blog.

I have so much to say, yet nothing at all will express itself from my soul.

I have a headache...I've had it for a while today and it just isn't going away. I am tired and feel lost.

I have tried in the past to keep diaries when I was young and also other blogs when technology bloomed, yet I have been wildly unsuccessful with them. I just don't have the consistency to keep them going. Is there any technology out there that I could use to get myself to write into this blog every day? Even if it was only three sentences a day? Just something?

OK..I am going to listen to my body for once and go to bed and try and sleep. Wish me well...I wish all the best for each of you.