I'm feeling better today. The dark, heavy blanket of depression is lifting from my soul. I feel it physically. I don't know why it is lifting. I rejoice when it starts its ascent away from me.
When it descends or ascends I wrack my brain constantly on why. I try to figure out the trigger. I feel that I can prevent it from happening again if I know the trigger.
It is so strange because I can physically feel the depression before it takes its complete grip of me and when it is leaving me. I am so curious if others have experienced the same.
Thank God I am feeling better. In one sense I don't want to question why because I'm scared to tempt fate and bring it back again. However, I do question and no answer ensues.
Yesterday I worked 12.5 hours and today I plan to work 12. At least it didn't affect me financially this time. It's a lot of hard work catching up and I am completely tired of it all.
I'm at work today. Thank God is all I can say. I don't want to lose more days at work. I've missed too much as it is.
This morning it was HIGHLY difficult to get out of bed and come in. It took all of my willpower to do it. I felt so bad...so down...so YUCK. My husband kept telling me to get up. I finally did.
Before he left this morning he was picking on me and I was not very nice while saying "stop it". He looked at me and said "I don't know what your problem is". I just looked at him. I said "I don't feel well. Isn't it OK that I don't feel well sometimes?" He didn't say anything. I then said, "Don't you know me well enough by now to know what's wrong?" He said "No" and walked away.
He left the house.
I felt worse.
That is a bone of contention in this marriage. I don't understand why it's OK for him to not feel well, to rant and rave around the house when he is frustrated, angry, and mad; however, if I don't feel well, it seems to be not acceptable. It's like "What's wrong with you? Snap out of it!"
It makes him feel angry.
Why?
Sometimes I just wish he would come to me and give me a hug and say "I'm sorry that you don't feel well. I love you". Is that so difficult? Obviously it is.
The funny thing is that I feel worse because of the way he acts about it. I feel guiltier about having depression. I feel more abnormal. I feel that there is something I can and should do to "snap out of it", but I don't know what it is.
Sometimes I even feel that really I'm not depressed, I'm just lazy. I feel that it's all my fault and that really nothing is wrong with me. I feel like a terrible person.
I'm at work right now trying to work. It is very difficult. I'm very glad to be here. Anything is better than sleeping in the bed completely tired out because I'm so depressed. Anything is better than to see the look in my husband's face seeing me down like that.
My depression is what got us into the financial mess we are in. I am the breadwinner. I have paid the bills for the last five years while my husband tried to make his business work. Unfortunately for him it didn't work. We were still OK financially. But, I got sick...I was out of work...I was in the hospital for six weeks...No money meant I couldn't pay the bills, and on it went.
I've worked so hard my entire life for what? To feel this way and watch my life fall into shambles around me? I don't want this, who would want this?
The worst thing is that even when I feel sick I can't afford to be out of work. I have no right to be sick. That is what makes me angry is that I have no right to be sick neither financially or with my husband. He just gets so angry.
His anger compounds the problem and when I think I can drop no further, more space opens underneath me and the faster I fall. I still haven't figured out what happened to feel this way. I have wracked my brain and I just don't know.
It's funny because I was thinking last night that if you are diagnosed with a physical ailment such as diabetes, cancer, etc, and you have a day where you don't feel well, you can say "I don't feel well because I have diabetes, or I have cancer, etc". But it doesn't seem acceptable to say "I don't feel well because I have depression". If I experience a day where I mentally don't feel well I have to find some reason, some trigger. I think it could be possible that there isn't a trigger every time. I think it's possible that you can have a day when you aren't doing well.
I wish my husband would love me no matter what. I wish he would show his love to me in my darkest moments. I wish he accepted me. I wish he felt empathy towards me.
My husband just called me at work. He asked what is wrong and he listened. He really didn't know what to say. He listened to me and I appreciate that. It's embarrassing to tell him that I'm depressed because I know that he doesn't understand. I feel worthless when I tell him.
He said today that me talking about feeling depressed is like speaking another language that he doesn't know. He said it's like him speaking Arabic to me...I don't understand him. When I talk with him about depression, he doesn't understand me.
I understand that he doesn't understand. I get it. I don't expect him to understand. Sure, I wish that he understood, but he doesn't and that is OK. I only wish that he didn't react the way he does to it. I don't think he can change that.
He said it may be better if he lived in an apartment and we saw each other on the weekends. Maybe that would be better. I really don't know. All I do know is that it makes me sad to hear him say it. I know that he loves me or he wouldn't care enough to even call me at work to talk about it.
I just feel very lost and don't know what to do.
All I do know right now is that I must get work done. If I am at least successful in that, possibly that will help me to feel better.
Depression is wrapping it's tendrils around me again and I don't know why. It's difficult to talk or even write when I feel this bad. When depression hits it's like a very heavy blanket wrapping itself around my body and soul. I feel its heaviness physically. I feel horribly tired. I feel that my face is cement and I can't smile no matter what. I feel like my soul is bleeding and I can't stop the flow. I feel terribly lethargic and dead. I feel like I will never stop feeling this way. I hate this feeling and I want it to stop. I feel like it's my fault that I feel this way. I feel like no matter what I do to change my life it will never go away. I feel the older I get the worse it gets.
It is very scary.
Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I can't even begin to express how I feel.
I didn't go to work today. For one I am very tired and two, I just can't concentrate feeling like this. My job demands concentration and it's not one of those jobs where you can just sit around for an hour here or there because every minute is counted. Everything is tracked by Microsoft Project and I have so many hours assigned to me for each task I am performing. Therefore, if I have 20 hours assigned to get a task done and I can't concentrate well or get it done, then it displays in black and white for everyone to see that I went over in my hours. It is then that people will start asking why I didn't get some task done in the time allotted.
Because of my personality I feel that I have to do a great job no matter what. Being a contractor makes me feel pressured in getting things done prior to when they are due. A combination of the two isn't really good because I pressure myself to work like a dog to get things done perfectly. I don't take breaks during work, and I eat lunch at my desk. That means that I work from the time I walk in the door until the time I leave except to go to the bathroom.
I'm always scared of losing my job because I'm a contractor. Not being at work doesn't help, though.
I have felt bad all week physically. Last week I felt that I had a UTI and went to the doctor last Friday night after work to discover that I have a bladder infection. I took antibiotics, but Monday and Tuesday it still hurt and I've felt like crap. Monday I missed work because I didn't feel well physically. Yesterday I went into work and now today I am missing work again. This time it's more because of feeling mentally sick versus feeling physically sick.
I hate this.
I just want to cry when I'm awake or sleep and never wake up.
My husband is at work right now which is a good thing. I'll be asleep by the time he gets home. He doesn't need to see me like this. He just gets upset and mad anyway about it, which isn't helpful to either of us. I feel guilty enough about it as it is.
My Dad LOVES to forward e-mail to everyone on his list. Sometimes I open my e-mail account and find 10 or 12 e-mails forwarded from him and that is in only ONE day. The next day can be the same amount or more and before you know it my inbox is chock-full and I get antsy wanting to clean it out.
In the past I always read everything he sent. Not reading the e-mails made me feel disrespectful towards him and I didn't like the feeling. I would keep the e-mails until I had time and that worked for a while; however, it got to a point once where I didn't have time to read the e-mails over a few days and had over 100 waiting for me to read. So, I deleted all of them. It was difficult and I felt terrible.
Even though I didn't want to disrespect him, I felt a little disrespected. Didn't he realize that I wasn't retired like him and didn't have the time to look at them all? Didn't he realize that the e-mails would clutter my inbox and make me feel like reading them was one more responsibility I had added to my day? In all actuality, I felt spammed.
One day I realized that I had NEVER received an e-mail from HIM. They were all forwarded from someone else! That is the same day I realized that it was OK if I didn't read them all.
Today I received several forwards from him and I had time to read them. In comparison to what he has sent in the past, I felt one was the "Cream of Spam". Reading the following made me think of everyone who reads my blog and leaves comments:
The Whale
If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, and a line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her...a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them. Pushing gently around, she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.
And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
That is what I feel towards everyone who takes the time to not only read my dribble, but also expends the effort in leaving a comment. Some of the comments have been so uplifting to me and I feel so grateful. I do feel very weighted down by what's going on in my life. I definitely feel tangled and gnarled and sometimes I feel that there is no possible way to stay afloat. Sometimes I want to drown. Reading your comments has helped me to feel free and I thank you.
This posting does not by any means come close to expressing what I'm trying to say. You see, I really have no one to talk to about the way I feel. I can't talk with my parents for various reasons (one is that they will be very judgmental of my husband and it doesn't help the situation). I haven't been able to talk with my husband about the way I feel because he is very stressed out with his job and our financial situation and every talk ends in a fight. I don't tell people I know what's going on either.
As I've previously posted, blogging has been so freeing for me. I feel a lot better getting this stuff out and on top of that there are actually people reading what I feel and commenting on it.
Thank you, thank you everyone. I hope that you can feel my gratitude.
Tonight instead of creating my own post I've been reading other blogs. It is so great to read other's ramblings and musings because not only do you get a different perspective, you also tend to forget your own problems.
One of my favorite songs came on tonight while reading blogs. Probably many of you have already heard it. Just in case, the lyrics are posted below along with a video of the song. I listen to this song at least once a day. Let me know what you think about it.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.
I'm trying something new today. I'm not posting directly to my blog...I am actually sending it via e-mail. I don't know if it will work and I won't know until tonight when I get home and can check it.
I am very depressed today. I am at work on my lunch break. I just received a call from a creditor. How did they get my work number? I haven't given anyone my work number except for family and friends. I am sitting here eating my sandwich and am reflecting on my life.
I have worked so hard for the past 18 years of my life for what?
To have creditors calling my work demanding money? I have always been able to pay my bills until going into the hospital. Losing my job didn't help either. Prior to the hospital my credit score was 782! Now it's somewhere around 450 - 480.
I appreciate the kind posts from visitors saying to not file bankruptcy. The reality is that I don't have any choice. I've talked with quite a few financial advisors and they all say the same thing. The bankruptcy attorney that I met also said the same thing - I need to do it.
At home I keep my ringer off of my telephone or just unplug it. I can't stand the constant ringing of collectors. Today the creditor said that I need to pay something or "further action will be taken". What does this mean? What can they do? It's embarrassing and scary...and I don't know what to do.
I want to pay everything I owe. I truly do. I can't, though. I am a failure. I'm not saying that for any response. I'm not fishing for people to say "no, you're not!". I am merely stating fact. A failure is called at work by a creditor demanding money. A failure can't pay their bills. A failure can't even afford to pay a bankruptcy lawyer to start bankruptcy proceedings! I wish that I could start it now. I have to wait for tax refund time in February. I don't know if I can wait that long. The pressure is too great.
I am tired. Yesterday after work I went home and cleaned the bathrooms and dusted everywhere, vacuumed, washed and put away five loads of laundry, made dinner (fish and potatoes...it was shockingly good), did dishes, did homework, checked a few blogs, posted a small comment in my blog and went to bed.
My husband and I aren't speaking. I never see him anymore anyway because he is working so much and when we do see each other we can only last about five minutes before a fight breaks out.
I want to cry. It takes everything to not cry.
When will this all end? Why have things gotten to this point? Will it ever get better?
I haven't had any time to get online. I've missed blogging...A LOT! I can tell even more now when I haven't had a chance to do it that it's been very therapeutic for me.
From work I can check my e-mail and I see that people have been posting comments to my blog and I thank you all. It's wonderful to read them at work and gives me a smile at random times. New visitors have been posting comments and I thank you, too!
This weekend (Friday) I will have a chance to not only compose myself, but also compose a new entry for my blog. I am also going to visit the new visitor's blog as well.
