Once Again

No Christmas tree. I went home last night thinking that it would be set up and we could decorate it. The tree wasn't set up. It was still boxed away in the shed. The problem is that by the time I got home it was dark outside (it gets dark here around 5:30pm) and the shed doesn't have a light. I searched everywhere for a flashlight and of course I found two but both didn't work and of course I couldn't find any batteries.

I went outside anyway, unlocked the shed and finally located it behind a bunch of boxes. It was in a corner with extension cords piled on top of it and boxes all around it. I tried to pull it out anyway; however, it was so very heavy and there was no way I could do it on my own. Boxes need to be moved from around it in order to pull it out easier but since there are no lights in the shed and things are everywhere, I couldn't move boxes around blindly. I was peeved, locked the shed and headed inside to take a shower.

After taking a shower I saw the backyard light on and the shed door open. He must have gone out there and I hoped that he would have more luck. Twenty minutes later he came to me and asked if I had brought the tree in. I didn't know why he asked me that question since he was just out there, but I told him that there was no way I could do it by myself. I was hoping that he was able to do it and was asking me that question because the tree was inside the house. I went to the living room and no tree. I still don't know why he even asked me that question.

He made dinner. It was very good. I ate by myself in the bedroom. He watched TV and my daughter talked with a boy that she currently likes while eating. Not much of a family dinner, but it was better than having to sit around a table glowering at him and trying to act like everything was OK.

I was quite sad because he knows how important this is to me and I think he just doesn't want to do it. I think this is some type of passive/aggressive game he is playing. I could be completely incorrect. It's just how I feel. Now the whole mood of excitement I had doing this together as a family is gone. I'm just sad now.
Tonight I have an appointment and there is no way I'll be able to get the tree out of the shed and put up tonight.

I think tomorrow I will get to work early so that I can leave early and hopefully get home before it gets dark. I'll then drag it out of the shed, put it up and then my daughgter and I can decorate it. I am going to do my best to get my mood back and enjoy it with my daughter.

It's just that I had this vision of all of us doing it together as a family. Am I being too ideal? Do I have a right to be upset? See, I have realized that over time I question myself constantly when it comes to him and blame myself a lot. It erodes my self-confidence and I am just so tired of it all. Maybe it is my fault. I'm not really sure. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't know.

This morning he drove me to work because he doesn't have his car back from my Dad. My Dad fixed an oil leak for him while he was gone. We didn't speak to each other the whole way. When we got there I thanked him for driving me and asked if he would pick me up at 4:30pm today for the appointment. He said yes. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and got out of the car. I really don't know what else to do. Would you have done that?

I'm glad to have the appointment tonight. At least nothing upsetting will be said or done during that time.

Plans Don't Always Work the Way You Want

Went to work Saturday. I was very happy because I took my toy poodle named HoneyBunny. She has recently been groomed and is just gorgeous. She has a little bobble in the top knot of her hair that is a dark green and dark red bow. She also is wearing her dark green sweater to match. I'll take pics when I can and post them. She laid on my lap the entire time and napped. I just loved it. That is one reason (out of many) why I would love to work for Google. You can take your dog to work every day there.

Saturday night I was able to visit other's blogs and post an entry of my own! Sunday I worked on my paper and was ready to put up the Christmas tree. It didn't happen.

I have been talking about putting up the tree for DAYS now. It was an event that I wanted my family and I to sip eggnog, listen to Christmas music and decorate together. My husband went to the store to get eggnog and I waited for him to get home. Thirty minutes later I receive a call from him. He got the eggnog; however, he wasn't on his way home! He decided to visit his sister. I was incredulous. I said, "You aren't coming home? I thought we were going to put the tree up." He said, "I'll be home later. What's the problem?"

Ummm...

I don't even need to go further.

He arrived home at 7:00pm. It was too late by then. I very nicely said, "I understand if you don't want to put the tree up if you don't feel like it. Please, next time just let me know and I won't be here waiting and thinking that is what we are going to do." He said, "I got home at 7:00! We could have put it up". I reminded him that the day before I told him I wanted to start decorating around 4:00pm to 5:00pm because it takes a while and I wanted it to be done by 7:00pm. A little later than that would have been fine, but I wanted to put a stake in the ground that we wouldn't go over so that we wouldn't be up all night decorating when we had work and school the next day.

He said, "I don't know what the big deal is. We could have done it."

Ummm...

I don't even need to go further.

He said that he will go ahead and get the tree ready. It is a fake tree with prelit lights. He said that he would set it up and we'll do it tonight when I get home from work. He reminded me that he's not from here and that he doesn't even get excited about holidays in his own country. I told him that if he did get excited and wanted to celebrate holidays in his country that it would be fine with me and fun. All he needs to do is say the word. He said he didn't want to. I told him that just because he doesn't celebrate in his own country doesn't mean that we shouldn't celebrate here. I reminded him that he is now with two people who celebrate Christmas and that we want him to be involved as well. I told him that it's not always about him.

He agreed.

Well, then. I guess we'll decorate tonight.

At least I hope so.

The Blanket Has Lifted

It's a Saturday night and I'm laying in bed with a nice cup of hot Yorkshire tea with a little milk and sugar stirred in and eating a small cookie (or biscuit as they say in the UK) from France. While doing this I smell the aroma of a new perfume I received from my husband's brother wafting through the air. The perfume is from Paris and is aptly named "Paris" from Yves Saint Laurent. It smells completely divine. I love perfume so very much and was happy when opening my present. My husband's brother visited Morocco while my husband was there and gave him a few goodies to bring back to the States for my daughter and me.

After recently going through such a difficult time, you have no idea how tranquil, happy, and grateful that I feel. The blanket of depression has lifted completely today and it's no longer foggy. I feel lighter and more able to breathe. I am no longer swimming underwater. I've been getting better slowly and surely, but today is the first day in almost a month that I feel like myself again. I even put on makeup and did my hair. Before it was a complete chore to brush my teeth! I am so damn grateful.

I've worked the past four days almost 12 hours a day. Today I worked as well. I got through it, thank God.

Tonight I am able to catch up with my favorite blogs and for that I am thankful as well.

Tomorrow will be quite busy. I have to work on the final draft of my paper and hope to have it finished by tomorrow. The deadline was supposed to be tomorrow night at midnight, but was extended to Wednesday at midnight. I plan to get up in the morning and work on it. Afterwards we will be putting up and decorating the Christmas tree together. I plan to play Christmas songs and sip eggnog with my family while getting the tree ready. You have no idea how happy I am about this. Last Christmas was terrible. We didn't even put the tree up for the first time ever. I don't plan to make the same mistake again.

Last year our money situation was dire. We didn't buy any Christmas gifts for the first time. I was terribly depressed about it and cussed myself out every day. I was so depressed I didn't even want to put the tree up because it would remind me of our shortcomings and mess. I realized afterwards how terrible it was to do that. It completely showed how I was all caught up with the mass media idea of Christmas. I forgot about the spirit of Christmas and how the most important gift we had was each other.

This year we can barely afford anything and that is OK. I have set aside some money for my daughter and will really enjoy buying her presents. I will take special care in wrapping them and placing them under the tree. Why would I do that? Because I am so very thankful that I am able to get her something for Christmas. I am so very thankful to be able to watch the smile on her face as she opens her gifts. I am so very thankful that she is my daughter. I am so very blessed. I love her so much.

There is something I realized while writing this post and am about to cry. My daughter will be 15 in January. I have very few years left to enjoy her living with us. I cannot imagine my life without her.

Finally

I am back from the dead. The following are a few things that have been going on:

• Depression
• Trying to Get Up and Function like Brushing Teeth and Taking a Shower
• Depression
• Thanksgiving Holidays
• Depression
• Cleaning House
• Depression
• Washing Clothes
• Depression
• Taking my Daughter to Appointments
• Depression
• Working
• Depression
• Schoolwork
• Depression
• Working on my Final Draft
• And did I mention Depression?

I received a 94 on the first draft of the research paper I am writing. I was pleased because I thought the grade would be abominable. The professor gave good constructive criticism and I have been working on finalizing it. The final draft is due a week from today.

Only two and a half weeks of school are left and I am so grateful. I hope to push through with A's. I don't want the 4.0 GPA to falter. Ugh, I put myself under too much pressure. I mean, who will really give a damn later if I have a 4.0 GPA or not other than myself? Absolutely NO ONE will EVER ask.

I don't look forward to next quarter starting in January. I will have to take Statistics...UGH UGH UGH!! God help me with this.

I haven't been online much at all. I am so far behind in blogging, reading other's blogs, commenting on other's blogs, responding to the kind people who have commented on my blog and catching up with e-mail. I opened my e-mail and wow'ed at the number of mails. Oh yes, and I need to visit BlogCatalog as well. Try BlogCatalog if you haven't already. It is very cool.

My depression has been debilitating. I am at work now and must catch up. I will be working late into the night each night this week as well as this weekend. I am at work now, actually. It's 7:05pm and I'm taking a small break. Thank God I can e-mail this to my blog so that it will post. If not, I don't know when I would be able to post.

Well, I am saying much ado about absolutely nothing. I can't express how I feel. I am getting better because I am at work. I am at least functioning. The heavy blanket is still wrapped tight, but at least I am able to breathe. I am grateful for that.

I am also grateful to everyone who reads this blog of meandering thoughts and also the wonderful people who have left such wonderful comments. Thinking about you all brings tears to my eyes. Isn't it ironic how we can pour out everything we are thinking or feeling to complete strangers in our blogs and receive the best feedback? I am not able to tell anyone in my "real" life. I do not have friends, anyway. I certainly don't tell my parents because they will become too concerned and will also judge. It isn't beneficial to anyone.

I just want to say "THANK YOU!!" again to everyone. As soon as I can I will reply to the wonderful comments people have left here.

As soon as I can I will also catch up with everyone else's blog! I cannot, CANNOT imagine how far behind I am with Linda's blog! :) She writes like crazy and it's GREAT stuff. Get over there if you haven't already.

By the way, my husband is home. He got home last night. It was very late when we got back from the airport (approximately 1:00am) and I had to work today so I have hardly seen him.

I guess that it's it. I just wanted whoever reads this to know that I haven't off'ed myself somewhere though I really did think about it for awhile. Don't worry, I won't do it. If I haven't done it already I don't see myself doing that in the future. I really want to get through this. I really want to live. I really want to look back at all of this and feel proud of myself for what I have accomplished and overcome. (My gawd…writing that makes me cry. Isn't that silly? I hate, abhor and detest depression!! Thank God no one is here at work now.)

I'll be blogging again soon…

It's Time to Fess Up

There is something I need to talk about. I never talk about this and I feel I must. I need to track it. So, I'm going to put a label for this post entitled "Sleeping" to find it easily.



This blog is for me. I realize that; however, I find myself not wanting to talk about everything Why? I really have no clue. It's like I have to keep up some type of persona even for myself. It truly is ridiculous and not helpful at all.



So...I need to fess up. It's time.



I've been severely depressed. To the point that I have been in bed sleeping for more than 18 hours at a time. It started like this: My daughter was sick Monday with a stomach virus. I stayed home with her. Tuesday she went back to school but needed to come home very early because she was still sick. I stayed home with her. I fretted the entire time about the money I wasn't earning while being home. I felt too guilty to leave her by herself while she was sick. I felt guilty for even worrying about money while she was sick.



I felt stuck. My husband is in Morocco. No one else was home to be with her. I needed to stay home. I wanted to stay home because I wanted to take care of her. It's just the factor of money that made anxiety flare like a bonfire.



Another reason why I fretted is because next week is Thanksgiving. We are off work next Thursday and Friday for the holiday. I don't get paid for holidays, therefore no money will be earned. Not getting paid for Monday and Tuesday along with next Thursday and Friday equals almost a week of work I won't get paid for.



That severely impedes my financial situation. Christmas is coming up soon as well. I won't get paid for two days during Christmas that the company takes off and also New Years Day. So, in a two-month time span I won't get paid for seven business days.



It gets worse though. I sabotaged myself...A LOT.



To make matters worse, I became so depressed by Wednesday I was in bed. I couldn't get up. My daughter went back to school. I slept. Thursday she felt bad again and stayed home. I was actually relieved because that was an excuse to stay home. Today she went back to school and I was in bed. So now it means I won't get paid for ten business days in a two-month span.



I have slept so much and I am so tired. My daughter is at my parents house for the weekend and I am alone which is best.



I just want to die. I don't want to wake up.



Don't worry - I'm not going to do myself in. I mean...sure, I think about it. I think everyone does at some point in their life. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm not. Because if I am it means I'm more abnormal than I would like to think.



I haven't eaten except for two slices of French bread with some hummus. I have had maybe one cup of water a day.



I'm not hungry.



I finally ate tonight. I can't eat much. My stomach got filled up very quickly.



Yesterday my daughter climbed in bed with me. We talked. She is more aware than I would ever think or want to realize. See, I told her that I had the virus that she had. I thought she believed me. I think she does to some degree, but somehow the conversation turned to depression. She told me that she had never seen someone with depression so badly. See, she has anger issues at times. She told me that she was happy she had anger issues like her father compared to depression issues like me. She said that at least with anger it would go away after a while. She said depression doesn't go away. She said it may get better, but it comes back.



It does come back.



I feel so inconsistent.



I can't depend on myself.



I feel like a horrible mother.



I don't want her to remember this.



I don't want her to remember how I laid in the bed sleeping for 18+ hours.



It reminds me of my Mom. She did this (and still does). I am repeating the cycle. It must end.



This has happened so many times before in the past two years. And my financial situation just gets worse. I am slowly dying.



Sometimes I think it would be so much better if I weren't here. My daughter wouldn't have to watch. She would be better off. I try so hard to be a great mom...a great wife...a great employee...a great student...a great person. And then I sabotage myself and show everyone including myself what a piece of shit I am. Then it makes it so much harder to work because I feel like I have to make up for the depression.



At this point I have so much to make up for that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's too overwhelming.



This week my anger for my husband has been unreal. Since he has been gone I have been able to be away from the drama and the stress. I have been able to be a bit more objective because I'm not in the middle of the mess. I'm not walking on eggshells. It has been a relief. At the same time it has been maddening because I realize more and more what stress I go through with him. Doesn't he realize? Does he comprehend what it's like?



He hasn't been here to shout, scream and be insulting; however, I have been doing that for him in my mind. The inner dialogue in my mind keeps repeating what he has said to me in the past and it makes me more and more angry.



I have been in the pursuit of his happiness for seven years. I have wanted him to live his dream for seven years. I just want him to be happy!!!!!!



Does he want me to be happy?

Father of Mine

My Dad (who I call "Daddy") is actually my step-father. He is a wonderful man who married my Mom ("Momma"...yes I am 36-years old, but that is their names to me) when I was 10-years old. If it wasn't for him I would probably have a very different view of men.

My biological father is named Jim. I don't call him "Dad" or any variation. He was mostly out of my life over time, and the few times he was in, it was a psychotic mixture of love, fear, confusion, intimidation, and anger. Jim is highly intelligent and VERY charming. He is manic-depressive (bipolar) and has had issues with lies, drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence. He has the ability to make you feel like you are the most special being in the world and then two minutes later something snaps and he is punching you in the head. Being with him can be quite a surreal experience. He is gifted in playing mind games and can make the most sane person feel they are going crazy.

I'll never forget the last time I spoke with him he actually said, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?". I am an only child and my daughter is his only grandchild and he doesn't even know her. The last time he saw her was when she was three years old and she is now 14.

I started writing this and now I don't know what to write. There are some things I wish that I could express. I think if I could it would help me. Over time I will try in this blog because really it's a journal and I want to face some things in order to let them go.

I guess what I am trying to express is that I don't understand Jim. I can still cry thinking about him at times. He is a piece of emotional baggage I carry around and I am truly tired of it. I would like to let the suitcase go.

I just don't understand why he didn't love me. I didn't understand it when I was younger, and I really don't understand now that I have a child of my own.

I'll never forget when I heard a song called "Father of Mine" from Everclear the first time. I was driving down the road and had to pull over because I was crying so hard.

I looked for the song and the lyrics are below. Other than substituting "she" for "he" or "girl" for "boy"...this song is exactly what happened to me. It is exactly how I feel. I couldn't write it better or express it better than how Everclear expressed it.

The video is attached as well so you can hear it if you would like.






Lyrics:

Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared
Father of mine
Take me back to the day
When I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away

I remember blue skies
Walking the block
I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk
You would take me to the movie
You would take me to the beach
You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach

Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
You had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know
Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you dont see me

I was ten years old
Doing all that I could
It wasnt easy for me
To be a scared white boy
In a black neighborhood
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card
With a five dollar bill
I never understood you then
And I guess I never will

Daddy gave me a name
My dad he gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name

Daddy gave me a name
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name

Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
I just closed my eyes
And the world disappeared
Father of mine
Tell me how do you sleep
With the children you abandoned
And the wife I saw you beat

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame
Now Im a grown man
With a child of my own
And I swear Im not going to let her know
All the pain I have known

Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My dad gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
Then he walked away
Then he walked away

Looking for Holes

Let me start from the beginning...I've always wanted to sky dive since I was a child. I thought it would be exhilarating and beautiful and that I would gain a different perspective of the earth and life itself. I would never have been able to express that at a young age like I can now, but it was something that always attracted me.



I finally decided to just do it and found a place about an hour away. I talked with people there and realized that I wanted to do a tandem jump because you could jump from a higher altitude. I attended the tandem jump class and afterwards it started to rain. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to jump but the guys told me to not worry that it would only rain for a short time and we would go up.



They barbecued during the rain and I ate the best hot dog of my life. :)



The rain stopped and the sun started to poke through the clouds. The guys kept staring up at the sky "looking for holes", which were basically big holes in the clouds where it was clear enough to jump through.



The clouds dispersed and a huge hole appeared. They started the plane. The plane was very small and reminded me of a crop duster. People piled into the plane and I was in the back with the instructor. I didn't realize at the time that I was in the back because jumpers before me would be jumping at lower altitudes.



We went to about 3 or 4K altitude and they opened the door of the plane. That was a new experience! I had never been in a plane where they opened the door. The jumper at the front made the sign of the cross and jumped out.



We kept gaining altitude and they opened the door again. This jumper looked back and smiled and then crawled down to the wing of the plane. He hung onto the wing for a bit, smiled up at us and then let go with a wave.



After about two more jumpers it was my turn. We were 13,000 feet above the earth (the photo was taken at 12,800 feet - it's not my photo but one I found taken at this altitude). The door was open and I remember how cold the air was. It was much colder than on the ground. I looked out at the expanse of earth and sky and did not feel worried. If anything I felt very relaxed and very calm. For the first time of my life I think I felt at peace.



The instructor asked if I was ready and I said yes (it is very important to say "yes" or you won't get to jump). He was behind me and we rocked forward...then back...then forward and fell into the sky.



It was incredible. The earth and sky were beautiful. I felt like I was flying. I didn't feel a lurch in my stomach and I had no fear. We were falling at 180 mph and I had never felt more free in my life. I distinctly remember thinking to myself..."and you thought you were broken...you're not...you're whole".



It was a very memorable and spiritual experience. I no longer look up at the sky in the same way. I always look for the holes.