It's back. Depression has its desperate claws edged on the tip of my soul. I can feel its dripping maw near my neck and it makes it difficult to breathe. It encircles me and gags me and I try to accept that it's there and acceptance is futile. During my good times I think I have accepted the fact that I have depression. When it comes to remind me that I have it, the overwhelming feeling of "Again?" rushes my senses and I am quieted.
I have felt it all week. I tried to pretend that it wasn't there. I tried to do things. Instead I have slept. A lot. I am always embarrassed to admit this. Horribly embarrassed.
I missed work. Quite a bit of it.
Today I was finally able to get myself out of the house and met a friend from high school. We recently reunited. It was wonderful to see her. Though it was very nice to spend time with her, I grew tired. I literally yawned. Several times. She even noticed and commented. I yawned even though I've slept most of the week. When I wasn't asleep I tried to pretend that I was fine. I was merely having some type of strange, extended vacation that I never requested beforehand. Though I slept all day, every day this past week, when my daughter got home from school I would wake up and act like I had been working from home all day. I was in my pajamas. I hadn't brushed my teeth yet. My hair was disheveled. I don't know if she believed me. Monday and Tuesday she asked why I was home. I lied and told her that I worked from home. For the rest of the week she didn't ask anymore. She's a smart girl. I'm sure that she realizes.
My work thinks that I had strep and stomach problems. I hate lying like that.
In this economy and also considering that I am a contractor, I am worried about losing my job. They already have a hiring freeze on software developers. They are flying contractors from India by the plane load and paying them nothing while giving them apartments where they shack up four and five to a two-bedroom apartment. They have no car and walk back and forth to work and the grocery store. They have no life. They are happy to be here. They are hard workers. They get paid next to nothing. I can easily be replaced. The company would save money. I don't know why they haven't done it already. It does disgust me though because these highly intelligent people from India are trying to find their American Dream and are being paid next to nothing. They need to be paid like everyone else, if not more because they work so very hard.
I have not worked hard this past week. I slept hard. When I was awake and acting like I was working from home I was reading other people's blogs until my eyes closed. I tried to blog and act like everything was OK. It hasn't been. Why do I act like everything is OK on my blog when this is the place where I can say exactly how I feel and not worry about it? I have thought about that and think it's because if I talk about my bad moments in those bad moments I have to accept that I have major and chronic depression. I can't run away from that fact and I certainly can't hide because depression always finds me.
I seriously cannot imagine being like this for the rest of my life. Typing that sentence makes me cry. How do people live like this? Will it ever get better? I have had depression my entire life, yet I have to say it gets worse with age. Not better. Worse. Worse and more worse. It is overwhelming to think about.
It is times like this that I truly want to die. Would I call that being suicidal? Not really because I'm not acting on it. Is it life that I want to end? Yes, if life is like this. I also realize on a rational level that I will get better again, it doesn't rain all day every day and I will not want to end my life when the sun peeks out to shine on my day. Like all people who think about suicide, I just want to end the pain and despair. It becomes all too much at times.
If I wasn't for my daughter I know that I wouldn't be here. I would be dead. She keeps me going when I cannot. She doesn't realize this and she should never realize this, but it's just the truth.
I forgot to blog about taking my daughter to the movie, "Twilight". This was a much-anticipated movie for my daughter because she read the book years ago and absolutely became addicted to the author and this series. I never read the book and didn't know what to expect, but after watching the teen flick I started reading the book. It's a quick read and I had to stop due to homework but I'll end up reading the whole series, I can tell.
Even as a 37 year old, I have to say that Robert Pattinson who played Edward in the movie is quite a good-looking lad and deserves the shrieks he received in the movie theater.
Speaking of the shrieks, it was absolutely wonderful to sit in the theater FULL of teenaged girls who swooned every time Edward displayed on the screen. The "ooohhhh's" and "ahhhh's" were so loud and I even heard a girl next to us say, "I wouldn't mind waking up to that every morning!". I looked over to see who said it and she must have been only 13 years old. What is the world coming to? I then sat there and tried to remember if I thought that way at 13. Well, sure I did! But I just never spoke it out loud to a bunch of strangers! The couth!!
I also remembered being at the movie theaters at 16 years of age watching the movie, "Dirty Dancing" for the first time. I had feelings in my privates I don't think I had felt before while watching a movie. Is that a bit too much information? Probably so, but I can't help it! My word, the way Patrick Swayze's hips undulated on the big screen was a bit too much for me. It's for sure that Swazye swayed around that movie! (OK, that was cheesy to say, but I HAD TO!)
Ahhh, the newness of youth! I would never go back to my teenage years but there are parts of it that I fondly remember. I just hope that my daughter's teenage years are filled with happy memories and not too many bad ones. I have tried very hard as her mother to ensure that. I hope it works out that way. Only time will tell.
I found this over at Wandering Coyote's blog and found it hilarious and wanted to share. It is very short and very funny. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to do the same to printers, faxes and computers when technology thwarted me.
I am behind in blogging things I've wanted to blog about and this post is about taking my daughter to the state fair. Every year it arrives in October and it was always a yearly event for us to attend. That is, up until three years ago when a boy was shot ten feet away from us by a gang member.
You wouldn't think in the po-dunk state I live in that there would be gangs, but there are and I don't need to travel to Los Angeles to see the danger they pose. I remember shots being fired and a crowd of people running around like crazy and screaming. Mayhem and chaos ruled the night and I grabbed my daughter and her two cousins and hid in a bathroom. After everything calmed down and police were milling around like ants on an elephant ear, we scurried out of the bathroom and headed straight for the gates to leave. I will never forget seeing the poor twelve year old boy who was shot with a huge amount of blood pooled around his head. It was like he was in a movie and it wasn't real. Unfortunately, it was all too real.
For two years after we did not attend. This year we decided to try again and instead of going at night we went in the daytime. I hoped that it would make a difference. As we walked up to get our tickets we had to pass through a metal detector. The line was long and there was a continuous beeping noise as people walked through. Instead of investigating what was beeping, personnel manning the metal detector waved people through anyway telling them to "move through the line, move through the line". I was in disbelief. If this is the case, why do we even go through them? As I walked through it beeped and I asked a lady working there if she needed to scan me or anything since it beeped. She briskly barked at me to just walk through. I stopped and asked what the point of the detectors were because I could have a gun on me and they wouldn't know the difference and she became very defensive saying that the line was long and people shouldn't wait.
I asked to speak with her manager. My daughter stood behind me completely embarassed. She is of the age where her parents can embarass her by breathing, so I wasn't too concerned. We were passed from manager to manager until finally being directed to the supervisor of the fair. The man was very kind and very concerned about my complaint. He explained that this was the first year the metal detectors were put into place and they had issues to work through with them. He was there the night the boy was shot years ago and he is very mindful about the safety of the fair. He said that he would speak with personnel at the gates and improve the process.
My daughter was ready to leave the office as soon as possible to start having fun and as we thanked the supervisor and walked outside, I stopped for a moment with my beauty and told her that I realized it must have been very boring for her to go through that, but it needed to be done to help protect the safety of everyone at the fair, including us. I explained that if they have metal detectors that they need to use them instead of giving people a false sense of security. During that moment I felt like my Mother complaining about something while I stood by grumpily as a child. I just want my daughter to see that you need to make a stand on certain things in life versus being passive as a snail. I hope it's something she remembers as an adult.
After going through that we walked to get our tickets for rides and such and off we walked through the fair. The camera I brought didn't have much of a charge left, so I took the pictures that I could below.
This is my little girly having fun, finally!
When I see this picture of my daughter I cannot believe how much older she is getting to be! It's just amazing how time flies.
This is a ride that we went on together. It is one of those rides that while you are spinning around like a Tasmanian Devil, it also rocks back and forth even to the point it seems to make an entire circle around. All I can say is that you shouldn't ride this monstrosity if you just drank a barrel of Coke and fries. I felt terribly sick on and off that ride that lasted for at least an hour. My daughter had fun, though, so it was worth it.
While at the fair we always visit the art buildings and also the barnyards full of great animals. There is one attraction they have every year where there are the cutest little baby ducks that are in this contraption with water sliding down the middle and they are up at the top trying to eat from a tray filled with feed over their heads. Sometimes when reaching out too far they slip in the water and slide down the slide. These little ducks were so cute because of the feathers on their head that made them look like they had hats on.
My favorites are the llamas. My battery had to go out right after taking this shot which was sad because I wanted some better pictures of them.
We also check out the local cows.
We rode a few more rides, ate some elephant ears and called it a day. Enjoy the rest of the pictures we took!
I thought that I would get up at 5:00am and go shopping for all of the fabulous sales Black Friday had to offer. I did wake up at 5:00am. I took my dog outside. While she walked around the yard I looked out the window into the darkness of night. Opening the door while letting her back inside chilled me to the bone. It was then I decided that it was absolutely ridiculous to get dressed at 5:00am to go shopping, of all things!
I promptly went back to bed.
Around 11:00am I woke up again and got dressed. My husband, daughter and I had a delicious breakfast and then visited the stores to see what was left. Everything was gone from the best sales and I didn't mind a bit. It was much better than traveling by myself to look around at the crack of dawn.
I read an article located at the CNN website about a poor man who opened the doors at Wal-Mart at 5:00am while over 2,000 people waiting outside since the night before surged in and trampled him to death. Was his life worth the $40 saved on a DVD player? Honestly, it makes me sick at times to think about America and its values. I am so happy that I wasn't one of the people surging into Wal-Mart at 5:00am and litrally walking on top of someone in order to take advantage of a sale. I would never forgive myself.
Will Americans learn their lesson? I'm afraid the answer is "No". Next year the newspapers will post the Black Friday ads and all Hell will break loose once again. No one will remember the poor guy who got trampled to death. They will just think about how much money they will save and obviously that will be more important than a human life.
It is 1:00am and I am taking a break for a few minutes while waiting for the pumpkin pie to be ready to pull out of the oven. I've been cooking since getting home around 7:00pm. The kitchen is a mess. I try hard to be organized and keep everything clean while cooking and it was not a successful night tonight trying to do that. After posting this I'll get back in that kitchen and clean like crazy.
I started the night by taking pictures to post on the blog, but that wasn't successful either because my daughter's digital camera went loopy and cut off and didn't cut back on (bad news because it did this even after putting in fresh batteries) and my husband's digital camera battery is dead. So, not many pictures were taken and am a bit bummed by that. I thought it would be fun to post the pictures especially for all of you overseas. I plan to take pictures tomorrow and will post them here this weekend.
Tomorrow twelve people will be eating lunch with us along with my parents, my husband's sister and her family and a friend of my husband's from university. My Mom is making macaroni and cheese and a broccoli salad. I'm making the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes (not out of a box but the real ones), stuffing, three-layer pumpkin pie, squash casserole, peas, french bread, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce. Tonight I've made everything except the turkey, gravy and stuffing. I should get up by 7:00am in order to pop the turkey in the oven in time and we'll eat by 1:00pm. I just hope that I'll be able to get all of the food on the table at the same time and it will all be hot. That is definitely an art that I don't possess. We shall see.
While cooking I was listening to the radio and a song that I loved as a teenager from "The Fixx" played called "One Thing Leads to Another". The first time I heard it was one of the rare times I saw my biological father named Jim. He was visiting his Mom and she picked me up to go to her house so that I could see him (note, so that I could see him because he never visited me). He had the song on a tape in his car and I went nuts. I played it over and over again and begged him for the tape. I remember he wasn't happy giving it to me but did anyway. Hearing the song made me wonder what he was doing tonight. What will his Thanksgiving be like tomorrow? Is he happy? Does he think about me? I haven't seen him for twelve years. The last time I spoke with him on the telephone was approximately eight years ago. I had called asking if we could have lunch together. I told him that I was hoping that maybe we could get to know each other as adults. He actually said, "Well I understand why you would want to see me. I do the same as you. I want to go see my parents because they are a point of reference to me. It is good to see them and project how you will age". I was flabbergasted. He thought I wanted to see him to see how I would age! He said that we would get together for lunch and he would contact me and of course he never did.
I remember being pregnant with my daughter almost sixteen years ago and speaking with him on the phone. As always I had called him. We had a huge spat to the point that I was almost hyperventilating (he and my husband are the only people in this world that have made me that upset) and he asked me, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"
Unbelievable.
I did call him sporadically over the years (maybe twice after that?) and I have to ask myself why did I keep trying to be his friend? Thinking about it all now makes me want to cry. Tears appear but don't fall. My heart falls though. I never understood why he didn't love me or was there for me or why he had nothing to do with me. I blamed myself as a child and always felt rejected because of it. Now that I'm 37 it's easier and don't blame myself anymore. He is bipolar and definitely has issues. I guess I will just always wonder, "What if?" I am curious if he will ever call if he discovers that he is terminally ill or is on his deathbed. I have a feeling that he will not. Why start then? I think I will go to my grave never understanding him. I am his only child with his only grandchild. That doesn't seem to matter to him. I don't think it ever will.
Wow, what a morose conversation at 1:47am. I've been running back and forth to check on the pumpkin pie. It's still too wet in the middle and still cooking.
The video is below. It's quite hilarious to watch because it's so 80's. I wonder what the band members think about that video when they watch it in 2008. They must smile like you do when seeing a picture of yourself wearing some crazy outfit like parachute pants and the Members Only jacket or the classic mullet hairstyle.
I found the following cartoon on the Internet:
I have to say that I never understood why we celebrate Thanksgiving. The intention of Thanksgiving is to give thanks. The American Indians celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and it is because of the American Indians that we learned how to catch eel and grow corn and look what we did to them. That's a lot thanks, now isn't it?
At times I feel it's embarrassing to be an American when I think of certain events that occurred in American history.
I just realized that this post is going all over the place. Let me get it back to the topic, which is giving thanks. At this time of year I would like to list what I'm thankful for below.
I am very thankful for my daughter. She is the light of my life and if it wasn't for her I am sure that I would have offed myself ages ago.
I am very thankful for my husband. Yes, he drives me insane. He has good intentions, though. He has issues like the rest of us and he has really been working to improve himself and our relationship. He has been very good to my daughter over the years. That says a lot considering the fact that he has never had children.
I am very thankful for my Mom. Sometimes she drives me crazy and the more I understand her the sadder it makes me sometimes, but I just need to learn to accept and move on. She is a good mother and tried her best. Sometimes it wasn't good enough, but she honestly couldn't help it. She was adopted by a 50-year old couple who had never had children and weren't affectionate. They did wonderful things for her and took great care of her, but they could be quite cold at times and because of them my Mom was an adult at five years of age, or at least she was expected to act like one.
I am very thankful for my stepfather. He had been previously married prior to marrying my Mom and had three children ten years older than me. He always told everyone that he had four children and always treated me like his own. If it wasn't for him and my Uncle Jimmy I would really hate men, I think. They taught me how to be treated and valued me unconditionally. I am eternally grateful. It was recently Daddy's birthday and he went away for the night and I wasn't able to see him. I ordered a birthday cake and tomorrow after Thanksgiving lunch I am going to put candles on the cake, light them up and walk out singing "Happy Birthday". He will absolutely love it. He loves special attention like sometimes.
I am very grateful that my cousins and I were reunited this past year. I need to write about that sometime. I grew up with them and spent a lot of time with them every summer and over the holidays as a child. I consider them to be the sisters I never had. I love them dearly and am absolutely thrilled that we are now talking with each other, spending time together and being in each others lives. I never thought that would happen and the miracle occurred.
I am so very thankful for my dog named HoneyBunny. She is such a wonderful superhuman and I adore her more every day.
I am very thankful to be able to attend university and finally get my degree one day.
I am very thankful to have a job during these tough economic times. Though I can't stand it most of the time at least I am able to pay the bills.
I am thankful that I made the decision to start the women's boot camp and will be starting this Monday. For once I am doing something for myself and am proud about that.
I am thankful that the store I shop for clothes at had a "buy one, get one free" sale and that I also had a coupon for $75.00 off. I went shopping today before coming home to cook because I just wanted to feel nice tomorrow with a new outfit. I haven't bought myself an outfit in years and am tired of wearing the same thing every weekend. It becomes depressing over time. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It will feel good to put on new clothes. I haven't experienced that feeling in years. I even bought some new pajamas. This is embarrassing to say, but I have three other pajamas that I have worn for eight years now. They all have holes in them in a lot of different places, the hem is gone and they are falling apart. It was depressing to see myself like that night after night. I can't wait to put on my new pj's. I'll feel like a different person.
Last and most certainly not least, I am so thankful to each of you who visit my blog. I am so very grateful for the people who have commented in my blog and have given so much support over this past year. I am continually amazed by the people who lift me up mentally and spiritually through this blog. I hope that you realize what an impact you have had on my life. You have helped me to get better and get through this journey of life. I wish that I could invite you all for dinner tomorrow and you could join me. I just wish that I could give each of you a hug.
I would especially like to thank Linda, Daisy, John Finn, HappyStill and Zathyn Priest. We all found each other when I first started this blog and you all have been so very supportive and empowering to me. I cannot begin to thank you all enough.
I am also thankful that I am able to buy all of the Thanksgiving food and cook it tonight and tomorrow. Seriously, America is in a war (two in my opinion - Afghanistan and Iraq) and you would never know it really. Most Americans don't realize how lucky they are compared to many nations around the world.
To end this post I would like to share some Thanksgiving humor. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate this holiday, I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
