Friday, November 2, 2007

Too Much To Do In Too Little Time

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can barely breathe. I think that it's anxiety; however, I don't know what I'm anxious about. I'm at work right now taking a small break. It's 7:52pm and I'll be here for quite a while. I've been here since 9:00am and am exhausted.

Today I have experienced emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, and disgust. In order to try and figure out why I'm feeling this way I will dissect each emotion and why I feel it:

I thought that I would be relieved when my husband went to Morocco. We definitely needed a break from each other to think things through. I thought at first it would be a nice break and then I would start missing him. What I didn't expect is that I am already missing him. I feel lost without him. Life doesn't have as much sense to it now. I never expected to have that reaction.

I am afraid that when he returns home things will go back to the hell it was and I don't want that to happen. I really want things to get better in every way. It basically boils down to wanting him to be happy.

Today I attended a luncheon provided by my contract company. It was quite nice to be there and the food was great. The owner of my contact company is a personal friend who I respect, admire and love. She is a great woman. I've known her a little over five years. She asked how my husband was doing and the discussion invariably went to his art. She loves art and has many amazing pieces displayed in her home. She asked how he was doing in his business and I told her that he is no longer focusing on "making the hotdogs". She thought that his hotdogs were his art! I explained (once again) that what he has designed in homes is merely craft and a way to make money. I reminded her about his fine art and though I didn't show it, I became angry. I wasn't angry with her.

So, why was I angry?

Because I am SICK and TIRED of explaining his fine art to people. People don't seem to get it or remember it. I have firmly believed since I met him that he will be in art history books one day. I have never wavered in this belief. You may equate my thinking to him making a lot of money. It was never about the money. Riches and fame are two different things and they don't always go hand-in-hand. Though we are in dire straits financially I really don't care about him making millions with his art. What I care about is that he one day receives the recognition he deserves.

I am a sub-contractor working on a four year project. Many employees I work with are highly arrogant and love to backstab. I refuse to personally associate with many and maintain a very professional relationship. I am sickened at times to see how they interact with each other. It reminds me of five-year old boys squabbling in a sandbox over a toy truck. People here are either on the offense or defense. There is no middle ground. Today I watched someone strut into our area asking why people were talking with each other like he was the CEO. The ironic thing is that if you walk down to his area he is consistently surfing the net.

The company is quite unethical and sometimes charges the client with work they did for another project. They lie a lot. Today I have reached my limit and am thoroughly disgusted. I really want to get out of here because my respect for them has dwindled to nothing.

My dream job is working in California for Google. In the past I have looked at their available positions and I plan to do that again soon.

Ugh...I better get back to work. Too much to do in too little time. I'll be here tomorrow as well, but still...

I also have mid-terms to work on, an outline to write and turn in for my research paper, grocery shopping, washing clothes and cleaning around the house. I hope I can get through this weekend.


Anonymous said...

Speaking a single peson - and by default one that is utterly crap at relationships and therefore not qualified to speak on the matter - I have always thought that having someone who is on the other side of the world would be perfect!! That way you know what it is to miss him.
Don't focus on what it might be like when he gets back... you don't know for certain what it will be like. Perhaps it will be like meeting each other for the first time.

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