Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Drunk as Shit

I haven't logged into Blogger for so long it took three times. I am typing like a maniac and continue to make typos. You have no idea how many times I've used the "Backspace" key.

I lost my frickin' job.

It wasn't because I was sick.

It wasn't because I missed a lot of time from work.

If any employer should have fired me from missing work because of depression it should have been my last job.

Not this one.

I was traveling!

Going to Southwest Georgia and Pennsylvania....flying...having a great time!

I loved, LOVED my job.

I worked with people who appreciated me and who I worked with 13 years ago.

I am drunk while typing this.

The "Backspace" key is my friend. I used it while typing this sentence.

I lost my job. I am a loser. I am drunk. I am nothing.

I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't know what to say. Just trying to work and attend school. I didn't want to concentrate on the fucking fact that I have depression. I didn't want to be reminded of it. So, I didn't blog. I didn't type shit about it. I wanted to forget. I was scared I would have another depressive episode and find myself losing time from work. I haven't lost time from work, but I was fired anyway. I was a contractor. They told me not to come back.

I am without a job. I am out of medical insurance already. I have no dental or eye insurance. I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I am like my bioligical father who can't keep a damn job.

I am the breadwinner. I may lose my house.

It's funny because I had finally, FINALLY caught up with my bills other than credit cards. I had finally gotten caught up with everything! And then BAM, no job. It's over. The fat lady has sang.

I have been out of job for two weeks now. I shoot resumes like a machine gun. NOTHING. No jobs...nothing.

I drank a lot of wine tonight hoping to forget. I feel better physically with this wine swirling in my system. Not so much anxiety wracking my body. But I don't forget the fact that I am a loser. I don't forget that. I think I need bottles of Ambien to forget that.

I have missed all of you. I read your blogs secretly via my cell phone. The same cell phone that I will probably lose over time when I can't pay the damn bill because I am out of ajob.

I am nothing.

I am tired of this shit.

I loved that job. I loved everything abougt it.

I was finally happy.

I am now devastated.

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