Some Things Never Change

Warning. If you are in a bad place, don't read this now. It may not help you a bit and if anything may make you feel worse. I don't want to trigger anyone.

I made it into work today. I didn't get there until around 11:00am, but at least I was there. When finally able to get myself out of the bed my internal dialogue went something like the following:

• I don't want to go to work.
• I can't face people today.
• I can't interact.
• I won't be able to focus.
• What the hell am I doing?
• Who am I kidding?
• I am a loser.
• Thank God the world doesn't depend on me to get things done or we would be extinct.
• What an arrogant thing to think!
  
• The economy is in shambles and I can't get out of bed? I could lose my job for gawd's sake and here I am not able to go because of what? BECAUSE I AM A LOSER!
• Do I really have depression or am I just a loser who is lazy as hell?
• I am a loser and am lazy as hell.
• I want to die.
• I want to just end this shit.
• I have no will to live any more or will to do ANYTHING!
• Wait...I have no will? What happened to it? What happened to my determination?
• What happened to me?
• I just want to die and end this.

I had these thoughts as I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my clothes, etc. The talk never stopped and the voice in my head never took a breath. It was incessant and made me even more miserable.

I got into my car, drove to work and trudged inside. Did I get a lick of work done? Absolutely not. I was a sitting corpse with a rotting soul only wanting to be cremated, turned to ashes and disappear in the breeze.

I couldn't focus though I tried. It became very frustrating because focus was next to nothing and I felt even more of a loser.

I did realize a few things today while rotting in my chair:

• I have no support system. I really cannot count on my husband or parents to be there emotionally for me in times like this. If anything, because my husband has treated me so poorly in the past while I've had a bad downward spiral into depression I never want to tell him the depths of my despair. I make excuses to make living with him during the dark time not as difficult. I can't talk with my Mom because she goes silent. She doesn't know what to say and both my husband and Mom become very worried to the point that it is of no benefit to me at all. In fact, it is a hindrance. Seriously, all I wish for during that time is acceptance and love. I wish someone would just hug me. They don't have to understand me, but acceptance would be most beneficial. The only support system I can say I have is my dog, HoneyBunny. She lays by me the entire time and never wavers in her love. She never leaves.
• I really have lost my determination in life. I have no clue where it went or how to get it back.
• I am seriously sick right now and need to check in with a doctor. I can't afford it with my crap medical insurance (mostly crap when it concerns mental health) and the cheapest counselor I've found is $110 an hour! Just going once a week would be $440 and going even once a month wouldn't be enough to help emotionally in the beginning at least.
• I really don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I've said this before, but I realized the depth of this even more today.
• I really do want to die because I just want to end the pain. If it weren't for my daughter, I would have been dead long ago. My mind has thoughts like, "Well, it would hurt her at first, but she will get better with time", "I can write her a letter and though she won't understand as much now, she will as an adult". It is called rationalization. I realize this. Once again, I wish I could see a counselor.
• I have tried so hard to be a good mom and am so worried that my daughter will remember her teen years as the time she realized her Mom has depression. I am worried that she will end up in a counselor's office one day as an adult talking about me and how I ruined her life. I then realize that it will most definitely happen if I do myself in.

I am crying now. I don't know what to do. I am so behind in my schoolwork, my Christmas tree isn't up yet, and for goodness sake, I just need a break from all thinking and feeling.

I just want to sleep.

The following song came out in 1987 when I was 16 years old. The Smiths sang it and the song name is "Asleep". At times like these I still listen to it. Some things never change...just like this damn depression.




Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...