Honesty Scrap Award

Brent over at Musings: Night/Life in Hell-A gave me the "Honesty Scrap" award. I don't know where all of these awards are coming from, but I'm not complaining. Thanks a bunch, Brent!

I now need to write 10 honest things about myself and then pass the award on to others. Since I always am honest on this blog I am going to think about 10 things that I would not normally say on this blog. Just because I am honest on this blog doesn't mean I put everything out there. I won't put everything out there now, but I'll try to put a few things out there. I'll start with simple things first.

1. I went skydiving a few years ago when my husband and I were dating. It was incredible to throw yourself out of a plane at 13,000 feet. It is an experience I won't ever forget. (OK that was an easy one!)
2. I was served papers the other day. Nope, haven't blogged about it due to being too upset. I have never been served papers before. A policewoman showed up on my doorstep with legal papers from a credit card company that I owe money to. I have always been able to pay my bills until being in a psychiatric hospital for my depression. After being in the hospital I also lost my job and it took awhile to find another one. That was two years ago and I am still financially reeling from it all. I need to claim bankruptcy per various financial advisors and even a bankruptcy attorney. I haven't done it yet because I am a contractor at my job at a place that may let me go if I file bankruptcy. I am worried as well that it will be difficult to find another job that would hire me with bankruptcy on my credit history. If anyone has advice I would appreciate it. I have a few days to contact the company. I still have not because I really don't want to face it all though I really must call them next week.
3. My first memory of life was being sexually abused. I was two years old and my babysitters son who was an older teenager had me going down on him. There have been times in my life where I wonder if I would be a different person today if that had never happened. I grew up thinking that this was normal. I will never forget when I realized that this was not normal. I felt so ashamed.
4. I haven't been doing well this past week. Though I have been able to work from home, I haven't been at work very much. Thankfully, they haven't commented at work about it because I have been getting quite a lot of things done, but still...I need to be at work. 
5. I've gained more weight. I want to lose it. I feel horrible. ugh.
6. I stopped smoking over a year and a half ago but do have a cigarette during stressful times. I haven't had a cigarette in a few months. When I do have them it's like one every few months but I did have one today. My husband was driving me crazy the entire weekend and I've cried more than usual and today I broke down and had one. It didn't fix my problem.
7. I feel that I lack discipline the older I get. I blame that on my mental and physical health. I am tired of being disciplined and feel damn immature saying that. Dying would be so much easier. Really.
8. I received an entire year of free membership to the local gym from a friend of mine and has my fat ass even walked in the door other than signing up? Not at all.
9. I have been having horrible bouts of insomnia lately to where I have stayed up all night for nights on end. It's even gotten to the point that I can't keep up with what day it is.
10. I am not proud of myself. I am a fat ass with zilch self-confidence and I feel I'm not doing anything to help myself. I am constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off to help others and do for everyone but myself and I am damn tired of it. I feel bad when doing something for myself. I need to get over it.

That's it for tonight. Ick, this ended on a bad note and I apologize. I hate myself right now.

In lieau of sending the award to others, I would like to invite anyone to do the same and post the award on their blog if they would like.

Thank you once again, Brent, for thinking of me. It's not your fault that I'm feeling so negative right now. It's just sometimes being so very truthful dredging up things I don't normally even talk about hurts.