Honesty Scrap Award

Brent over at Musings: Night/Life in Hell-A gave me the "Honesty Scrap" award. I don't know where all of these awards are coming from, but I'm not complaining. Thanks a bunch, Brent!

I now need to write 10 honest things about myself and then pass the award on to others. Since I always am honest on this blog I am going to think about 10 things that I would not normally say on this blog. Just because I am honest on this blog doesn't mean I put everything out there. I won't put everything out there now, but I'll try to put a few things out there. I'll start with simple things first.

1. I went skydiving a few years ago when my husband and I were dating. It was incredible to throw yourself out of a plane at 13,000 feet. It is an experience I won't ever forget. (OK that was an easy one!)
2. I was served papers the other day. Nope, haven't blogged about it due to being too upset. I have never been served papers before. A policewoman showed up on my doorstep with legal papers from a credit card company that I owe money to. I have always been able to pay my bills until being in a psychiatric hospital for my depression. After being in the hospital I also lost my job and it took awhile to find another one. That was two years ago and I am still financially reeling from it all. I need to claim bankruptcy per various financial advisors and even a bankruptcy attorney. I haven't done it yet because I am a contractor at my job at a place that may let me go if I file bankruptcy. I am worried as well that it will be difficult to find another job that would hire me with bankruptcy on my credit history. If anyone has advice I would appreciate it. I have a few days to contact the company. I still have not because I really don't want to face it all though I really must call them next week.
3. My first memory of life was being sexually abused. I was two years old and my babysitters son who was an older teenager had me going down on him. There have been times in my life where I wonder if I would be a different person today if that had never happened. I grew up thinking that this was normal. I will never forget when I realized that this was not normal. I felt so ashamed.
4. I haven't been doing well this past week. Though I have been able to work from home, I haven't been at work very much. Thankfully, they haven't commented at work about it because I have been getting quite a lot of things done, but still...I need to be at work. 
5. I've gained more weight. I want to lose it. I feel horrible. ugh.
6. I stopped smoking over a year and a half ago but do have a cigarette during stressful times. I haven't had a cigarette in a few months. When I do have them it's like one every few months but I did have one today. My husband was driving me crazy the entire weekend and I've cried more than usual and today I broke down and had one. It didn't fix my problem.
7. I feel that I lack discipline the older I get. I blame that on my mental and physical health. I am tired of being disciplined and feel damn immature saying that. Dying would be so much easier. Really.
8. I received an entire year of free membership to the local gym from a friend of mine and has my fat ass even walked in the door other than signing up? Not at all.
9. I have been having horrible bouts of insomnia lately to where I have stayed up all night for nights on end. It's even gotten to the point that I can't keep up with what day it is.
10. I am not proud of myself. I am a fat ass with zilch self-confidence and I feel I'm not doing anything to help myself. I am constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off to help others and do for everyone but myself and I am damn tired of it. I feel bad when doing something for myself. I need to get over it.

That's it for tonight. Ick, this ended on a bad note and I apologize. I hate myself right now.

In lieau of sending the award to others, I would like to invite anyone to do the same and post the award on their blog if they would like.

Thank you once again, Brent, for thinking of me. It's not your fault that I'm feeling so negative right now. It's just sometimes being so very truthful dredging up things I don't normally even talk about hurts.

Psych Central Best of the Web!

If it wasn't for John mentioning it at his blog, Storied Mind (incredible blog, by the way), I would have never known that this blog was chosen by Psych Central as one of the "Top Ten Depression Blogs of 2008". What shocking news! I had to read his post again because I felt I didn't read correctly the first time. I then visited PsychCentral and read what they had to say about the blog and just sat dumbfounded. I didn't move for a full minute and my mouth was wide open in amazement.

I have no idea how Psych Central learned of this blog. I feel very honored to be in the company of others who received the same award. I am still in complete and utter shock.

Thank you, Psych Central!

Up All Night

It's 2:44am and I'm awake. From sleeping so much during this depressive episode (my lovely downward spiral), now I can't sleep even though my body is tired. It's more like my eyes and head are tired. Everything else is awake. I tossed and turned for a while until finally getting up because I couldn't stand it anymore and fired up the laptop. I'm behind in my schoolwork and next week is the last week (Thank God!) and I need to get things done, so I'm going to work on my C++ programming class work.

I've decided to stay up since I need to be getting ready for work in three hours and 45 minutes anyway. By doing this I'll make sure not to oversleep and will be dead tired tomorrow evening. Maybe I will be able to sleep well and then wake up early Friday morning and get my circadian rhythm going again in the right direction.

I made it into work today again at 11:30am. Yes, once again late, but I made it. The bad thing about getting there late is working late, but I'm not complaining. It was difficult to interact with everyone, but by tonight I was finally able to smile for the first time. Maybe I'm back in the upswing now. I certainly hope so.

Damn this depression.

On another note, I cannot begin to thank all of you for your support, advice and just plain listening (reading) to me. You have all helped so much more than you realize and I thank God for you all. When you post a comment here it e-mails me and I check it from time to time at work. Opening my e-mail and finding all of your comments have bolstered me through hurricane winds. Your comments have also given me much to think about and it's been very helpful.

I would also like to thank John D. at the Storied Mind. If you haven't ever visited his blog, please do so. I have been admiring the beauty of his blog for ages. Not only is it so very aesthetically pleasing to the eye with gorgeous colors, art, etc, the writing is extraordinary and has helped me a lot. He left a comment on my blog stating that he gave me an award called "The Lemonade Award" and here it is:

The rules of this award are as follows:

• Put the logo on your blog or post.
• Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
• Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
• Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
• Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

It will be difficult to pick only ten blogs that display great attitude/gratitude because there are so many inspirational blogs out there. The following blogs signify the ones that really kept me going during very dark times, who have made me smile or laugh like crazy when I never thought I could again and also from people who have supported me so very much that I will never be able to repay all the goodness they have put into my life. I would like to give this award to the following bloggers:

• Linda - You are the first to comment in my blog and the first blogger I met. You have tirelessly supported me through thick and thin and have taught me quite a bit. If only I lived in Australia, I would take you out for coffees and appletinis. Your writing continues to amaze me and I have so much enjoyed watching how your writing continues to get better and better. It's always been so good I can't imagine it getting any better, but it does! Oh, and by the way, my favorite still is the story you wrote when you were a teen about the girl walking out of the surf onto the beach. I still laugh when I think about it now! I have a special gift that I'm sending to Australia very soon as soon as I get caught up with things and can get to the post office. You are a gem and I love ya!!
• Daisy - You are such a very special girl who really has her head on right and I admire you so very much. If only I were like you when I was young and your age! Thank you for always e-mailing me to check in. You are a beauty.
• John Finn -  I found you via BlogRush when I saw your blog name of "Curdled: A Life Gone Sour". The name MADE me click on the link and I have never been disappointed that I did. Your life is so interesting, so mysterious and keeps me coming back to learn more about you. Your writing is great, you have had me in stitches laughing at times and I've even gasped "Oh my GAWD!" at times when reading what drama is happening in your life. Your support is much appreciated and your friendship is treasured.
  
• John D - Yes, I realize you gave me the award, but I didn't read any rule that says you can't re-gift it, so there you go! Your blog has been an inspiration to me and I thank you for all of your hard and serious work. Your writing is beautiful and I have always been excited to visit you and see what your next topic would be.
• Brent Diggs - I don't know how many times I have been completely in the dumps and visited your blog and smiled for the first time in a week as the page opened. Your writing is great, you have a wonderful sense of humor and your imagination is spectacular. I have always loved how you have such a sense of family as well. Please tell Dr. Toboggans that I miss him DEARLY, that is if you've found him, yet. I have a feeling he lives with you and eats your Frosted Flakes at 3:00am while you're sleeping and also deletes all of your blog posts which is why you seem to not have written as much lately. :) One last thing, I think it was so wonderful that you have taken a break from blogging and are blogging on your own terms now. You are working on that balance in your life and it's something that I need to do more often. Thank you for everything, Brent. You make a big impact on people's lives and I'm sure you don't even realize it.
  
• Soulful Sepulcher - You are THE WOMAN! The fearless Momma Bear breaking boundaries and fighting for your daughter to the end. Oprah Winfrey needs to recognize you on "The Best Mother Ever" show. You have fought so long and so hard and you keep ticking. Thank you so much for sharing your life in the blogosphere. The way you blog about pharmaceutical companies and the way you educate your readers is wonderful. Thank you for everything.
  
• Crotchety Old Man -Old Man, you make me smile and that says a lot coming from a chronically depressed person. :) Thank you for your kind words and your support. You are so very much appreciated. I want to see a picture of your ramp painted red!!
  
• Annie - You have been through so very much and you keep ticking as well. You are a superbly special soul and I hope one day you realize that because guess what? We certainly all see it. Thank you for sharing your life and really putting it out there. It takes a lot of courage and I admire you a lot.
  
• Immi -  Thank you so much for your support and concern. Thank you as well for educating your readers the way you do in your blog. Awareness is so highly important and you are doing everyone so much good just by being you. Thank you.
  
• Seaneen - I've just been getting to know you and I love you! You are such an inspiration to me. Keep doing what you're doing. You are very courageous as well and you are helping loads of people with your blog. I look forward to continuing to get to know you as I visit your blog more in the future.
  

If you haven't visited these bloggers, please do. You'll be glad that you did.