- My contract company is a vendor for the company I interviewed with and they have a contract between them that states if anyone from the contract company tried to get a full-time job they have to notify the contract company and the employee has to start as a contractor and work for a minimum of six months. They can't hire the employee outright. This makes sense because the contract company doesn't want the company I interviewed for to "steal" employees from them. The problem I have with this is that my contract company never told me this little nugget of information and is acting like the company only wants me as a contractor when in all actuality they want me full-time but can't due to this legal contract the companies have between each other.
- Since I would be a contractor with the new company, the new company doesn't request my credit information and my contract company never sends this information to them. Why my contract company is telling me that the new company won't hire me because of my credit score is completely mysterious to me.
- I can't tell my contract company I know these bits of information because my friend working there asked me not to, so I'll never have these questions answered in my mind.
- I asked if my pay rate for the job could be increased by 4K so that I would only lose 4K and they said probably not because the owner of the contract company set the rate herself. I asked them to ask her for me anyway. For all I know they could be making in excess of $25K on me and not giving me a fair cut of it.
- I cannot live on 8K less.
- I don't have much of a choice since my current contract ends March 31st. My friend said that the contract company knows this and doesn't understand why they would "exploit" (his words) me like that. They are taking more of a cut from my pay knowing that there isn't a lot of jobs in my area anyway and they have the chance to lose me after six months if the company hires me full-time and I'm no longer a contractor.
- I have been personal friends with the owner of my contract company and her family for seven years now. This is the first time I feel something shady is going on and now I am scared of a) not getting the job at all and b) getting paid much lower than I should if I do get the job.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
This morning I woke up and felt better than I have in weeks. I finally got some sleep last night when getting home after having my hair colored (I also added a few highlights as well and it looks great). This morning I popped out of bed, had a shower, got ready, even put on eye shadow (during my bad days I only wear eyeliner and a little mascara), sprayed one of my favorite perfumes, visited the kitchen and made breakfast and lunch to take to work and here I am. I felt very happy while scurrying around the house with my soul feeling more light and free. While driving into work I realized how good I felt compared to the last few weeks and though I am grateful for feeling better, I also realize how up and down I have been for the last three years of my life. Thinking about it can make me feel crazier, if that's possible.
I called my Mom and told her that I feel much better and also commented on how tired I am of riding this rollercoaster. I can feel down for weeks and then feel much better, get excited about it only to crash again. Since I started adding Prozac to my daily RX regimen, I am curious if it's the Prozac helping me to feel better, or do I feel better on my own, or what. I finally decided to not question why and just enjoy how I feel. In order to do this I need to accept the rollercoaster of my existence. That is difficult to do.
Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Do I dare hope to be cured of depression? Will there be a day when the depression is manageable once again? Will this rollercoaster ride ever end?
Monday, January 26, 2009
I'm at work e-mailing this post to my blog. I can't visit my blog from work because it would not be good for my blog address to be tracked by Big Brother here and they read everything I've written. Nope, not a good thing at all.
I just bought some M&M's. It is a rarity to purchase M&M's or any type of candy. Usually I get them at the movies or when I can't stay awake at work. Nothing like a sugar rush to come down from. For the last hour the only work accomplished is keeping my eyelids from drooping down to the floor and so I finally got up and bought the sugary pills. Hopefully, they will keep me awake until at least 4:45pm when I have to leave to get my hair done.
A very sweet lady performs miracles every six weeks by vanquishing the massive amounts of white hair springing up all over my scalp. Because of her people are shocked that my hair is over 50% white (not gray, mind you, but starch white). When I get older I'm going to say to hell with it and grow it out and be white-headed, but for now my husband says I look too young for it and to cover it.
I have hardly been online for the past week except to check mail and mail blog posts. Thank you for all of your wonderful comments. Since I can't visit my blog from work I haven't been able to post replies to them, but I have read them in my e-mail box. I wish there was a way to post blog comment replies via e-mail as well.
This weekend I didn't get online at all. Saturday I went to my cousin's house and spent the day with her and her family. I always love going over there. She and I grew up with each other and are like sisters. I adore her six-year old. Ahhhhhhddddoooooorrrreeee her.
I haven't been able to visit any blogs and other than a quick perusal via my mobile phone of a few in the blogging world I'm in withdrawal. Hopefully this upcoming weekend will give me time to catch up with all of you.
Speaking of blogs, please check out http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com. Sister Mary Martha is a nun whose blog is filled with humor (hilarious!), stories, and she answers everyone's questions about the Catholic religion along with giving other nuggets of wisdom. I really think you will enjoy her. Let me know what you think.
I haven't heard from the other company about the new job. I did receive a text message from a friend of mine that works at the company late Friday stating, "The word is they want to hire you. Congratulations!".
Don't get excited yet.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to hear that they want to hire me, but I don't want to get too excited and for whatever reason they decide at the last minute to hire someone else, or all of a sudden they don't want to use the budget for the position, or they don't pay very well. There are a myriad of reasons why this may not work out and I refuse to celebrate until I sign the dotted line. I am worried about my credit because I had to sign a release allowing them to check it. As you know, my credit has stunk since I was in the padded room at the hospital. Before that it was all butterflies and ladybugs and now it's credit collectors calling, writing and serving me with papers.
This company is a bank, so it could happen. I do have to say that a friend of mine works there who has a credit score that is less than 500 and he is a full-time employee. He was hired about two years ago, and hopefully they won't be bothered about my score either. I realize that a company shouldn't use a credit score to make a decision to hire you (I wouldn't be handling money, anyway), but as you know they can tell me whatever they want to say and not the real truth if this doesn't pan out.
I'm also not excited about the job just yet because I have no clue concerning how much they want to pay for this position. On their paperwork there are areas for you to fill out how much you are currently being paid and how much you were paid at each job for the last five positions. As a rule I never enter this information. This leaves things open in the pay department until I receive the call from the HR department of that company wanting to know.
I feel quite down today, which I believe is attributed to lack of sleep last night. I need toothpicks to keep my eyelids from falling. I can't wait to get to bed tonight.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
This afternoon I went to the job interview. I actually made it WITH a suit on. Wonders will never cease. Even my hair and makeup were done.This is a massive feat in light of this past depressive as Hades week.
The interview lasted a little over an hour and a half. What the company and the team I was applying for is doing is quite interesting to me. Did I ever mention that I absolutely abhor and cannot stand what I do every day at my job? At least this company is working on applications and projects that mirror experience I already have. In fact, I was shocked at how much this position takes a lot of different things I've accomplished in the past and puts it all into one nice package. I only hope the lady who interviewed me sees that as well.
I am not going to be excited about the interview or opportunity. Jobs are difficult to come across these days in the technology world and I definitely do not live in the technology hub of America. I will stay reserved and just hope and pray every second of the day and night that I receive the callback I am hoping for.
On a side note, there are six people who work for this company who absolutely rave about how great the place treats their employees and how much work they get done along with bonuses they receive (even in
this economic downfall of an American nation) and enjoyable times they have working together. I worked with these six people years ago and it would be absolutely outstanding to work with them again. They all
agree. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and send good job-hiring karma this way. I do appreciate it.
I am absolutely exhausted, but I got through the day and I owe all of you a lot of thanks. After posting a quick e-mail to my blog and reading your responses this afternoon, it really helped me in getting through the day.
I love ya'll.
Didn't make it to work yesterday. I felt so bad about not going but could not do it. I was in bed the entire day sleeping until this morning. I was able to get my butt out of bed this morning and was here at 8:30am. Not many people were here because it snowed this morning. When it snows even one little flake around here the schools are closed. My daughter was extremely pleased.
I have an interview today at 1:30pm. I dressed the part but my heart isn't into it. I hope it goes well. I don't feel very confident.
I've already cried once at work. Thankfully, no one saw me.
It's highly difficult to be here, but here I am.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I found a free CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) course located at http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/moodgym. It's called MoodGYM and I registered for free, started by answering a few questions and am now going through the first course. It has been quite interesting so far. Not sure if it's great or not just yet, but wanted to give you all the link in case you wanted to try it out. Let me know what you think if you try it out.
I will be going to bed soon because it's work tomorrow.
I. Will. Make. It.
Though this post didn't start that way, it ended not so well, so I would like to warn anyone in a bad place not to read this because it could be triggering.
Back home again. My husband took me to get my nails done. They look great. Afterward, he took me to dinner at our favorite Mediterranean restaurant in town. A lovely Lebanese couple owns the restaurant who we just adore. They light up the room with their sweet, enlightening energy and it felt great to see them. Dinner was lovely as always.
It was nice to spend time with my husband like that. My daughter is at her Dad's this weekend which is a good thing because I don't like for her to see me not doing well. A few days ago she asked why I haven't been to work and I explained that I have had a lot of physical pain with my period and sometimes the depression can get really bad because my hormones are all up in the air. I wish that was all it was, but I don't tell her much. I never talk about my depression unless it gets so bad and so obvious and she needs answers. Otherwise I don't burden her with it, which I think is for the best.
It was nice to get out and live a little. I have to say that I am exhausted. At one point I got so tired during dinner I just wanted to sleep, but I reprimanded myself and tried to practice mindfulness. That can be quite difficult. A lot of times I am not mindful enough to be mindful. I wish I could visit an ashram in India and live with monks for awhile to learn with them.
My husband really wanted me to enjoy myself tonight. He can be so funny and he said a lot of things that we just laughed about. He is known to be not very affectionate and he was very sweet and affectionate tonight. It was really nice.
I called my supervisor this afternoon while waiting for my husband to finish teaching his art class. She does know that I have depression. She is the first person I've ever worked with that I told. In the past I would tell companies that I was physically ill with something because I realize most people just don't understand. I was quite afraid of losing my job because I've missed so much time this week. Not only that I haven't been at work much since the new year even though I was working from home. Perception is reality and a lot of people other than my supervisor and her boss don't realize I've been working from home so to them I'm sure it looks like I'm never there and they wonder what the hell is my problem.
She did say that people were talking about me not being there and questioning why. She doesn't tell them my problems with depression and since I have missed so much time she said it put her in a tough spot. She said that I do great work when I am there and I'm the best on her team and she does understand that I have issues, but at the same time she is afraid that it looks like she is favoring me because when she is out of town she has me do her work along with my own and lead the team. Team members get jealous and make comments when I'm not there. You would think we were in elementary school. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that they don't understand, but still, I wouldn't think the way they do if it were someone else.
The fact of the matter is that this week I didn't get my work done, I was working on a highly visible task in the project and she said it became quite political when I wasn't there and she felt in the middle of it all and didn't like being put in a bad spot. I felt terrible. I told her that her feelings are completely valid. She said that she continues to hope that I will get better but I can tell that she is running out of patience. She didn't say it, but I could hear it. I am running out of patience with myself.
She is the first person I've worked with that I really became good friends with. We go out to lunch quite a bit together and it has become obvious that people on the team don't like it because they think she favors me more. In reality she doesn't. When we go out to lunch we don't talk about work, but about our life, family, etc. We go to lunch to escape from work. She is a lovely person and a good friend. She has run interference for me in the past when I had depressive episodes. She just got promoted to a management position a few weeks ago and is worried that if she continues to run interference for me when I'm not there that it will make her look bad and they will wonder why they made her a manager.
I feel bad to have put her in this position. I told her that I will be at work Monday. It is a holiday Monday but I'm going anyway because of being so far behind. I told her that I'm going to work my butt and maybe we shouldn't lunch together until she feels ready. I could hear her relief. It makes me sad. I told her that I wasn't going to ask her out to lunch, but for her to just let me know when she wants to go. I don't want her to feel that people are talking about her behind her back and that is exactly how she feels.
Just to let everyone know, my job is not protected. I am a contractor and they can let me go at any time for any reason, even if it's no reason at all. I am not a full-time employee and do not hold the same rights as one. I am in the technology field and we are working on a project which has its first release date in a few months. It is highly imperative that the web application is released on time. I see a lot of hours coming up because the project as a whole (not just my work) is so far behind schedule. Some people have likened this last push to the release date as a "death march". If this company doesn't feel that I am producing what I need to produce they will get rid of me. They don't need any dead weight. I do not live in the technology hub of the world and it will be difficult to find another job. That is one reason why I am interviewing for a full-time position at another company Tuesday. I really want to have a full-time job in order to have better benefits and it will feel more permanent and not as precarious as my current contracting position.
I will feel embarrassed to go back to work Monday. I will feel more embarrassed Tuesday when everyone will be back from the holiday. I really wish that I could stay at home and fully focus on getting better. I wish I could afford a psychiatrist and therapist and yoga classes, walks on the beach and naps. I wish I could spend my days reading self-help books, being in groups with others, volunteering my time with the homeless, children with leukemia, nursing homes and animal shelters. I wish I could be that mother who has freshly baked chocolate chip cookies ready for my daughter when she gets off the bus from school. I wish I could be that wife who has a lovely house and wonderful meal ready for my husband and daughter. I wish my brain would get better and this depression would go away and if this isn't possible, I wish I could go away from myself.
You have no idea how many times I thought of ending it all. I have the perfect plan. I will go to work on a weekend and go into the bathroom. In a plastic bag will be letters to my loved ones. I want them to be in a plastic bag so that they don't get wet or messed up. I will take a bottle of water, wear my heavy coat that feels like a blanket, go to the bathroom and down a bottle of Ambien. Doing this will ensure that my family won't find me in this way. The floor in the bathroom is tile and that will ensure I won't mess the floor up for any reason because it can just be mopped. I thought of doing this in the woods but I'm afraid that the letters will be lost. I could mail the letters but what if the post office lost them? So, the bathroom at work is the best, I think. I do feel really bad when thinking about whoever it will be that finds me. I don't know how to get away from that.
Do you see how my mind works? I can go from what a nice time I had at dinner with my husband to eating a bottle of Ambien in the bathroom at work. It becomes tiring to think this way.....and old. Very old.
OK...let me practice mindfulness...
I will get through this.
Yes, Catherine....I will get through this.
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and support. It means a lot to me. I hope not to let you down through this journey. I hope to make you proud. I hope to make myself proud that I got through it. I hope to get through it. I hope to really live and not just exist. I hope, and hope and hope. At least that isn't dead yet.
As the great poet Emily Dickinson said and it is my favorite quote:
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Today I was able to not only get out of bed and get dressed but also put on makeup. That's a small feat. Even my teeth are clean. This week it got to the point where even brushing my teeth was a chore. My husband is currently giving an oil painting lesson in his studio. I am in our bedroom waiting for him to finish. Before he started the lesson he came into the bedroom to wake me up and said to get ready because he wanted to take me somewhere. I have no idea where. I didn't want to get up and it was difficult, but I did and am now waiting for him to finish.
I have been in bed so much this week that I actually got out of breath getting ready. That is how fat and out of shape I am. Being in bed 24/7 this past week certainly doesn't help. At the doctors yesterday the scales screamed "237!". Yes, I have gained weight again. I knew it and wasn't surprised. I am going to take down my weight goal widgets here until I start consciously working on it.
My husband is finished with his art class and is ready to go. I'll blog again later tonight.
Friday, January 16, 2009
I haven't been to work all week and no work has been done from home. I've been in the bed and not able to get out. I've slept the sleep of the dead. Unfortunately, I am still alive.
Today I went to the doctor. I had an appointment at 11:30am and missed it due to being asleep. I woke up at noon realizing it was missed, called the doctor's office and thankfully they took me in at 4:15pm. I actually made it on time.
Once again I face my doctor looking like complete shit while telling him I can't take this anymore. I am tired of this unending cycle plaguing my life. I cry off and on like an idiot. Told him how up to this point there have been issues sleeping. I either don't sleep at all or sleep too much. Told him of going through a cycle where I could hardly sleep for a few weeks and now I can't get out of bed. My depression is in full-force right now and I can't see past it. I may lose my job. I listened to a message on my voice mail from my supervisor where you can hear in her voice that she has basically lost patience with me. She warned that it was looking bad to others that I haven't been into work and that people are talking. When I finally do get better and IF I still have a job, it will be difficult to go and face these people.
My doctor said that I need sunshine. Sunshine will help the vitamin D in my body and regulate my sleeping.
He took a bunch of blood to test later and also added Prozac to my daily RX. I'm already taking Wellbutrin and he wants me to continue taking that along with Prozac.
Let's just throw medication to the problem.
The doctor has lost patience, I think. He said that if the Prozac doesn't work he thinks I need to see a psychiatrist who is more specialized. I explained how my insurance is severely lacking in the mental health arena and that I could see him every day and only pay a copay while I could never afford a psychiatrist.
My last post should have been a red flag to me. I should have realized then that I was about to hit the downward spiral. I haven't felt well since the last post. Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I just can't talk very well in times like this and that is why I haven't posted a response to your comments. Two of my friends from high school wanted to meet for dinner together this weekend. I ended up calling one of them after they texted a message saying, "Have you fallen off the face of the earth?" because I never called her back. I ended up crying on the phone with her. It's so embarrassing.
One bright spot today is that the nurse at the doc's office told me about a good therapist. I called after the doctor's appointment out of desperation and she charges only $60 an hour. I am shocked. The lowest I had found so far is $110 for 45 minutes! I will visit her this upcoming Thursday after work...That is if I still have a job left.
I have an interview this upcoming Tuesday. If things don't change fast I'm not going to do very well.
Maybe I should sit in the sunshine.
Since I did just have my period my doc did give a prescription for a birth control pill that you take for three months straight and only have your period once a quarter. That should help because I always crash with my period. Sometimes worse than others and this is a pretty bad one.
I realize I am doing better today though because at least I was able to get my fat ass in the car and drive to the doctor and I'm also blogging about it. During the worst of it I can't even blog.
When I think about losing my job I literally cannot breathe. I am the breadwinner and if I lose my job I'll be up shit-creek. That will be one more thing and I can't handle even thinking about it. I still haven't contacted the company that served papers, either, by the way.
This is one upside-down post. I apologize.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Brent over at Musings: Night/Life in Hell-A gave me the "Honesty Scrap" award. I don't know where all of these awards are coming from, but I'm not complaining. Thanks a bunch, Brent!
I now need to write 10 honest things about myself and then pass the award on to others. Since I always am honest on this blog I am going to think about 10 things that I would not normally say on this blog. Just because I am honest on this blog doesn't mean I put everything out there. I won't put everything out there now, but I'll try to put a few things out there. I'll start with simple things first.
- I went skydiving a few years ago when my husband and I were dating. It was incredible to throw yourself out of a plane at 13,000 feet. It is an experience I won't ever forget. (OK that was an easy one!)
- I was served papers the other day. Nope, haven't blogged about it due to being too upset. I have never been served papers before. A policewoman showed up on my doorstep with legal papers from a credit card company that I owe money to. I have always been able to pay my bills until being in a psychiatric hospital for my depression. After being in the hospital I also lost my job and it took awhile to find another one. That was two years ago and I am still financially reeling from it all. I need to claim bankruptcy per various financial advisors and even a bankruptcy attorney. I haven't done it yet because I am a contractor at my job at a place that may let me go if I file bankruptcy. I am worried as well that it will be difficult to find another job that would hire me with bankruptcy on my credit history. If anyone has advice I would appreciate it. I have a few days to contact the company. I still have not because I really don't want to face it all though I really must call them next week.
- My first memory of life was being sexually abused. I was two years old and my babysitters son who was an older teenager had me going down on him. There have been times in my life where I wonder if I would be a different person today if that had never happened. I grew up thinking that this was normal. I will never forget when I realized that this was not normal. I felt so ashamed.
- I haven't been doing well this past week. Though I have been able to work from home, I haven't been at work very much. Thankfully, they haven't commented at work about it because I have been getting quite a lot of things done, but still...I need to be at work.
- I've gained more weight. I want to lose it. I feel horrible. ugh.
- I stopped smoking over a year and a half ago but do have a cigarette during stressful times. I haven't had a cigarette in a few months. When I do have them it's like one every few months but I did have one today. My husband was driving me crazy the entire weekend and I've cried more than usual and today I broke down and had one. It didn't fix my problem.
- I feel that I lack discipline the older I get. I blame that on my mental and physical health. I am tired of being disciplined and feel damn immature saying that. Dying would be so much easier. Really.
- I received an entire year of free membership to the local gym from a friend of mine and has my fat ass even walked in the door other than signing up? Not at all.
- I have been having horrible bouts of insomnia lately to where I have stayed up all night for nights on end. It's even gotten to the point that I can't keep up with what day it is.
- I am not proud of myself. I am a fat ass with zilch self-confidence and I feel I'm not doing anything to help myself. I am constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off to help others and do for everyone but myself and I am damn tired of it. I feel bad when doing something for myself. I need to get over it.
In lieau of sending the award to others, I would like to invite anyone to do the same and post the award on their blog if they would like.
Thank you once again, Brent, for thinking of me. It's not your fault that I'm feeling so negative right now. It's just sometimes being so very truthful dredging up things I don't normally even talk about hurts.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
It's 12:02pm and I have been up since last night at 10:00pm working from home. I haven't slept since two nights ago and I'm dizzy with exhaustion.
To make a very long story short since my last posting, the following are a few updates:
- I had a very busy Christmas and did not have once chance to blog about anything. In fact, I was rarely on the internet except for work. I have so many e-mails waiting to be checked on.
- I finished out the quarter at university with A's in both classes. The 10-page research paper was finally completed, C++ programs were written and my 4.0 GPA wasn't compromised...whew! I am finally a senior! Who would think the moment would arrive? I certainly did not.
- A girl I used to work with called asking if I would like a one-year free membership to a local gym. She won it at a charity auction and wasn't going to use it. I could not believe my luck while saying I would love to have the membership and maybe this year will finally be one that is full of health and weight loss.
- Our Christmas was the best Christmas we have had in years, which was quite refreshing.
- Christmas did start with some family dysfunction due to seeing my biological father for the first time in years, but it ended up on a good note (not with him, but Christmas in general).
- We have a new dog named Foxy who is my husband's cutie. He is thrilled to have her.
- HoneyBunny wasn't so sure about Foxy at first, but they are getting along a bit more each day.
- My husband's and my anniversary was December 27. We spent a very nice anniversary with each other. It's been eight years together with six being married. Things have been going better between us.
- I got sick this past week and worked from home. Thankfully it wasn't mental illness, but physical with nasty symptoms such as headache/throat ache/fevers/exhaustion/hacking/coughing/body aches/sneezing/etc. I'll take that over mental illness any day. It's been a whole bunch of fun and we weren't able to go out for New Year's Eve because of it. Oh well, better luck next year.
- I'm still not feeling great, but am better, thank God.
- My daughter's 16th birthday is coming up in January. She is dying to have a special "Sweet 16" birthday. If ya'll have any ideas, please let me know.
- Thank you everyone for your support, advice and everything ya'll have done this past year for me. I owe each and every one of you so very much because you each have helped me more than you realize. I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season because you certainly deserve it.
- I am finally going to take my poll down. My husband said that he would not go to a hotel to spend the night for no reason. It was good to be able to tell him everyone's feedback. Thank you all for your objectivity.