Tuesday, February 10, 2009

To Consume and Be Consumed

I just want to eat and drink and do anything I can do. My addictive personality is really coming out right now and it's scary as shit. I've had a half of bottle of wine. Last night I had the first half. It's nice to have a buzz. Anything is better than reality. My husband is not happy. His depression is really bad right now. I don't feel married and feel quite alone.

This isn't me. I don't do this. It's times like this that I know I could be an alcoholic and a junkie. That is why I've never judged other addicts. Just because I'm not an alcoholic or drug user doesn't mean I'm not an addict. Oh, I am and tonight I feel the fire of the addiction burning into my soul.

I just want to ingest everything...food..alcohol...anything...everything. I've never felt it so very strong until tonight. At this moment I just want to consume and be consumed. My soul is a shell and needs to be filled with....something. What, I don't know.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Yawning and Quirkiness

I am quite tired lately and not sure why. It seems that I yawn 24/7 and it doesn't matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. Could it be the Prozac? One reason why I don't like taking new meds is because any changes you may experience you question yourself if it could be the medication or something else.
This past weekend I went with my cousin, her daughter and my daughter to the beach to visit my other cousin (my cousin's sister). It was great fun and I realized how important it is to get out of your hometown sometimes. It gives you a much needed change of perspective. I told my husband that we need to get out of town together this weekend. So, though I don't know where we are going, we are going somewhere and I can't wait to get out of here.
Right now my house is a mess. It's organized, but just dirty. I haven't been home much and haven't had the time to clean like I need to. When I have been home I've been too tired to do it. It gets on my nerves to see it like this because my Type A personality kicks in and kicks my butt about it, but I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Isn't that bad?
I am cycling through feelings of caring and not caring. I feel restless and am jostling my foot as I write this. I want to stop working where I am. I hate what I do every day here and can't wait to start the new job. Yet at the same time I don't want to work at all and wish I could just be a stay-at-home Mom. That would be so lovely.
I am going to try and clean house tonight. And wash clothes. There is a mountain to wash at the moment. I wish my husband and daughter would see what needs to be done and pitch in instead of waiting for me to say, "Let's clean house!". Ugh...my husband won't help right now anyway. He is overwhelmed with work and school and has been quite depressed lately. I won't ask him to do a thing.
This post is absolutely boring me to tears, so I'll end here. I apologize if you read this far. I'm in a quirky mood today.

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