Monday, February 18, 2008

Could I Possibly Be Bipolar?

I haven't posted for awhile. Haven't had much time due to work, school, family obligations, etc. My husband's Mom (named "Fatima") flew in Saturday night from Morocco. I cleaned the entire house this weekend and cleaned out the room where she would be staying. I even cleaned out the closet and drawers and am so happy that I did. Doing that has been on my "To Do" list for quite some time and it's nice to check it off. I also washed my cat (she is washed about every six to nine months depending on how dirty she gets over time), washed HoneyBunny, did homework, washed clothes, etc. It was a busy weekend.

Fatima decided to stay at her daughter's house (the last two times she stayed at ours) this time; however, she'll be over soon, I'm sure. She plans to stay six months and usually floats back and forth between our house and her daughter's house the entire time. I absolutely love Fatima. She is an awesome lady and is so sweet and special. I just adore her. I can't wait for her to come over.

My moods have been sketchy lately. I've been taking my meds and don't know why my moods have been going up and down so much. I've cried on and off all weekend. You know, for quite a while I have wondered if I am bipolar. My biological father is bipolar, and it runs in our family. I have never experienced the mania and euphoria that I have heard others describe, but certain things make me wonder if I am. For instance, I go through moods of being OK and then going down, down. I have heard wild stories of others with bipolar and have watched my biological father act out while manic, and I've never done that, but I can get in these moods where I can't sleep for days. Getting to sleep and waking up has always been a problem for me. It takes an hour or more to fall asleep and when I finally sleep it takes elephants walking through the room to wake me up.

I do go through phases where I clean like crazy. I remember always being this way. Even in my 20's I would go through times that I cleaned my house at 2:00am until the next day. Is that normal? Doesn't sound like it.

I talked with the director of the hospital I went to two years ago and she said that it is possible to have bipolar II. I researched it and found the following definition: "Individuals have at least one depressive episode and at least one hypo manic episode, but never experience a full manic or mixed mood episode. Bipolar II can go unrecognized because the hypo manic symptoms may not appear that unusual."

She asked that I chart my moods throughout the day for a month and get back with her. I need to do that.
Maybe I'm not bipolar. I don't want to be bipolar...I can hardly tell people that I have depression (and I never tell people that I have PTSD). It's just a thought I'm entertaining because really, I'm just tired of these mood swings and want to figure out what's going on. If I can figure it out I hope to either beat it or at least accept it.

Other than that, everything is fine. Things are just busy lately and I look forward to a break. I've been thinking about going away for one Saturday. I can drive two hours and be at the beach. It would be nice to take my dog HoneyBunny there and walk around. We shall see.

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