My Dad (who I call "Daddy") is actually my step-father. He is a wonderful man who married my Mom ("Momma"...yes I am 36-years old, but that is their names to me) when I was 10-years old. If it wasn't for him I would probably have a very different view of men.
My biological father is named Jim. I don't call him "Dad" or any variation. He was mostly out of my life over time, and the few times he was in, it was a psychotic mixture of love, fear, confusion, intimidation, and anger. Jim is highly intelligent and VERY charming. He is manic-depressive (bipolar) and has had issues with lies, drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence. He has the ability to make you feel like you are the most special being in the world and then two minutes later something snaps and he is punching you in the head. Being with him can be quite a surreal experience. He is gifted in playing mind games and can make the most sane person feel they are going crazy.
I'll never forget the last time I spoke with him he actually said, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?". I am an only child and my daughter is his only grandchild and he doesn't even know her. The last time he saw her was when she was three years old and she is now 14.
I started writing this and now I don't know what to write. There are some things I wish that I could express. I think if I could it would help me. Over time I will try in this blog because really it's a journal and I want to face some things in order to let them go.
I guess what I am trying to express is that I don't understand Jim. I can still cry thinking about him at times. He is a piece of emotional baggage I carry around and I am truly tired of it. I would like to let the suitcase go.
I just don't understand why he didn't love me. I didn't understand it when I was younger, and I really don't understand now that I have a child of my own.
I'll never forget when I heard a song called "Father of Mine" from Everclear the first time. I was driving down the road and had to pull over because I was crying so hard.
I looked for the song and the lyrics are below. Other than substituting "she" for "he" or "girl" for "boy"...this song is exactly what happened to me. It is exactly how I feel. I couldn't write it better or express it better than how Everclear expressed it.
The video is attached as well so you can hear it if you would like.
Lyrics:
Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared
Father of mine
Take me back to the day
When I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away
I remember blue skies
Walking the block
I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk
You would take me to the movie
You would take me to the beach
You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach
Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
You had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know
Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you dont see me
I was ten years old
Doing all that I could
It wasnt easy for me
To be a scared white boy
In a black neighborhood
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card
With a five dollar bill
I never understood you then
And I guess I never will
Daddy gave me a name
My dad he gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Daddy gave me a name
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
I just closed my eyes
And the world disappeared
Father of mine
Tell me how do you sleep
With the children you abandoned
And the wife I saw you beat
I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame
Now Im a grown man
With a child of my own
And I swear Im not going to let her know
All the pain I have known
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My dad gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
Then he walked away
Then he walked away
