Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween!

My husband remembered my birthday around 10:30am yesterday. He then brought roses to me at work with a card. It was nice to see him and the roses were beautiful. He also ordered a cake for me which we enjoyed last night.

My daughter was acting like a strange bird yesterday. She never said anything about my birthday and when I asked her about it, she said that she kept remembering it was my birthday and then forgetting and doesn't know why she didn't say anything about it. In the past she has forgotten, but this time to know that she remembered and didn't say anything is very strange to me.

She didn't act like herself yesterday at all. I asked her if everything was OK and did anything happen at school and she said that she was fine. I could tell that she did feel bad about not saying anything about my birthday. It's just so weird the way she acted. I really don't understand.

I'm still celebrating my birthday. I love that it comes right before Halloween. I always squeeze more days out for my birthday every year.

I'm excited about next weekend because my best friends from high school and I are going out for my birthday. I went ahead and told my family that my birthday doesn't end until November 7. :)

Tonight my daughter is babysitting and won't be home. My husband and I both have homework to do, so I think that we will just lay in bed and do homework to get it over with. Tomorrow night my daughter is going to her boyfriends house to pass out candy with their family. My husband and I will be passing out candy at our house. I always enjoy doing that because I love seeing the little children in their costumes. My favorite costumes are the little bumblebee and ladybug babies.

I hope that you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween weekend. Thank goodness the time changes and we get an extra hour this weekend!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am 38 years old. Having Facebook is nice because I woke up this morning with a load of birthday wishes from a lot of people, which was very sweet. I received a text from my ex-husband with birthday wishes as well. This morning I saw my daughter and husband before leaving for work and neither of them said a word. It's now 10:31am and I still haven't heard from my husband. My daughter called me this morning from school asking if I could bring her blue binder because she forgot it and she never said a word about my birthday. Maybe they have plans for tonight and want to act like they forgot? I'm not sure. If they did forget though, I need to get them both a Facebook account so that it will remind them next year.

This entire week I have been in a depressed funk. Thankfully, today I feel better and am happy at this birthday present from depression. At least it's not tormenting me as badly today.

I apologize to everyone for not posting responses to your comments in my blog. I receive them all via e-mail and wish that Blogger had a way that I could reply to the mail and it would post a response back. My laptop is almost dead. I sit and wait for 15 minutes just to power it up and load Internet Explorer or Firefox. I need a new laptop badly and try hard not to use it. It's really cut down on my Internet time. I do check others blogs on my cellphone, but it's really not the same.

Hopefully, the birthday fairy will bring a new laptop to me tonight. :) I highly doubt it, though!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Oh, to be Skinny...

Today on the elevator at work I was riding up with a very skinny woman. She must have been in her 40's. I stood there and thought to myself how lucky she is to look like that.

I've lost seven pounds so far. Just under 250 finally and feel that getting to 160 will take forever. It is a huge mountain to climb. I fortify myself with raw vegetables and I am tired of it. Why does it have to be so difficult?

My husband and I still haven't had sex. I don't even know how long it's been now. At least six months? He says that he wants to now, but I just can't after what he's said about my weight in the past. We talked about it last night and I cried myself to sleep.

We talked about what he said in the past about my weight "changing the sexual experience" for him. I asked him to explain more and he said that for him sex is a physical act and not emotional like it is for me. He said that the actual mechanics of having sex are different now and not as comfortable because I have more weight on my body. From a rational perspective, I understand what he means. From an emotional state, it destroys me.

What gets me is that he looks at porn and masturbates to it. I know that he does. He really doesn't need me. He has told me in the past that he prefers masturbation anyway. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty positive that he masturbates to porn at least once a day if not more. I feel so disgusted with myself that I don't masturbate at all. I have been horny lately but I do nothing about it.

He said last night that he feels really bad about the way I feel. He said that he wants to be honest because I kept asking him in the past why we weren't having sex but that he also feels that he can't or shouldn't be honest with me in the future about stuff like this because of how badly it hurt my feelings. He says that he feels like he is "paying" for being honest now. I completely understand that as well.

He said last night once again that we need to go to a counselor to talk about it. He really is pushing the counseling, though I haven't made an appointment yet.

He has been feeling better physically and mentally lately and has been quite nice around the house. It's times when he is feeling good and isn't stressed out and full of anxiety, being angry all the time, etc. that I'm happy to be together....except for the underlying problems that are buried quite deep.

I told him last night that even if I lose weight and we do have sex again that I will feel having sex with him is conditional and that if I gain weight again, he won't want to be with me. He said that sex isn't conditional with me and that he doesn't want me to feel this way. I told him that I work (am the breadwinner) and provide for the house and bills and try to be a good wife and mother and feel that I'm still not good enough for him. I feel that I have to be perfect in every way for him to be interested in me sexually. He said that it's not true.

I really don't know what's true anymore other than I feel very ugly.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dog Food - A Constipation Aid

My husband has been having a lot of digestive issues lately that include horrible bloating, extreme constipation and then diarrhea along with horrible cramping. This has been going on for the last two weeks and he has been utterly miserable.

He's from Morocco and hates going to doctors and taking medicine. When he went to the doctor twice in one week I knew that he was near death. Not to mention all the different medicines he has been trying as well.

The other day he called while in the doctor's office. He was filling out the form where it asks your history and he called to ask what medicines he's been taking because he couldn't remember them all by name. I told him that he's been taking Miralax, an enzyme supplement, Beneful, etc. He asked how to spell Beneful and I spelled it out for him and we got off the phone.

The next morning he came into the bedroom while I was getting ready laughing and said, "I can't believe you had me write down 'Beneful' on that form yesterday. I said, "Why? That's what you've been taking". He said, "No, I just fed the dogs and saw 'Beneful' on the label. Beneful is a dog food! I've been taking BENEFIBER!!!!".

We laughed our butts off about that. He said that they must not have noticed because the nurse or doctor didn't even comment about it. He said that if they noticed it, they would have said, "No wonder you're having such digestion shouldn't be eating dog food!"

The last few days with him have been better. He's up and down as usual, but mostly up which is good. I think he feels better about going to the doctor and trying to get help for himself. They want to do a colonoscopy but it hasn't been scheduled yet.

I am doing alright. I'm just tired all the time as usual. I am tired of being tired. I got to work a bit early this morning and can hardly concentrate on what I need to get done. What I do is so technical at times and you have to be in the right frame of mind to do it. Writing this post is easy peasy because hardly any thinking is involved.

I start school again on October 12. I'm not looking forward to one of the classes because I think it's going to kick my bum. I'm very worried it will mess up the 4.0 GPA. I don't know why I care about that damn GPA. It's not like anyone will ask me what my GPA is when finishing university.

There is no segue to the next subject. I was reading CNN last night and saw that there is a practice called "crushing". It's where a woman is videotaped crushing a small animal (like a rabbit) with her bare foot or wearing a spiked heel. The woman's face isn't shown, but it's some type of sexual fetish. I was floored to say the least. Have you heard about this? Are you as shocked as me?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Gas in my Tank

Last Monday I weighed myself and was a whopping 253.7. I've been eating like a rabbit since then all the while wondering why I was doing it because I was convinced that I would never lose weight again.

Today I weighed and am 248.8, which is five pounds lighter! Yay! You have no idea how happy I am. I haven't been under 250 in such a long time.

This news is like putting gas in my diet tank. I can keep doing this and I will. I am finally motivated because I see a difference. Before I was just losing faith in myself.

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