Thursday, December 18, 2008

Objectivity Sorely Needed

As you can very obviously see, I have installed a poll widget on my blog because I desperately need some objectivity and would like to know how you would feel.

Tonight my husband and I were talking about a good friend of mine who recently is having marriage problems and is currently staying in a hotel. We talked about asking her to stay with us if she would like as not to incur a lot of expenses during this difficult time. Out of the blue my husband said how nice it would be to go and stay in a hotel by himself sometimes to get away from it all. He has never talked about this before or done it (neither have I). To make a very long story short, here are the two sides:

  • Husband: He said that it should be no big deal at all if he wants to do this. He thinks that it is absolutely healthy for people to want time on their own and go to a hotel room. He said that as long as the person isn't going to the hotel to be with someone nor does something wrong that it should be OK and I have a problem when I don't agree with him.
  • Me: I think that it is perfectly natural to want time on your own; however, I don't understand why you would want to get a hotel room and spend the night away on your own to have that time. In my opinion, if a spouse or significant other wants to do this, it signals that there is an issue with the relationship and it's a big red flag. I also don't understand why he would want to do this if he's not angry or something. Why wouldn't he want me to be with him? I am not a problem in his life. Why can't he go somewhere for the day, or go for a walk, drive, or something when he wants time on his own? Actually, when I think about it, he is on his own all day long (he is a student and has a highly flexible schedule) and I'm only home during the week after work at night. So, in this case, why does he need or want additional time on his own? Why does he want to sleep somewhere else?
Please note that just the other night we had a horrible argument where he was screaming that he wants a divorce because he is sick and tired of me. This and a lot of other things have over time made me feel very insecure in the relationship and when he talks about doing this, warning bells just ring like hell in my mind.

So, with objectivity and not taking into account what I have written, please check how you would feel in the poll above. Multiple answers are acceptable. You don't have to check just one option.

Thanks a bunch.

American Cheese at it's Best

Oh my word, is all I can say. It's a bit long but the first minute or so is enough to see the display. The house has 210,000 Christmas lights and is located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Can you imagine their electricity bill?

People in our neighborhood had their lights up on Thanksgiving Day. It didn't seem quite right to see Santa blinking in the yard when the turkey was still in the oven.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Up All Night

It's 2:44am and I'm awake. From sleeping so much during this depressive episode (my lovely downward spiral), now I can't sleep even though my body is tired. It's more like my eyes and head are tired. Everything else is awake. I tossed and turned for a while until finally getting up because I couldn't stand it anymore and fired up the laptop. I'm behind in my schoolwork and next week is the last week (Thank God!) and I need to get things done, so I'm going to work on my C++ programming class work.

I've decided to stay up since I need to be getting ready for work in three hours and 45 minutes anyway. By doing this I'll make sure not to oversleep and will be dead tired tomorrow evening. Maybe I will be able to sleep well and then wake up early Friday morning and get my circadian rhythm going again in the right direction.

I made it into work today again at 11:30am. Yes, once again late, but I made it. The bad thing about getting there late is working late, but I'm not complaining. It was difficult to interact with everyone, but by tonight I was finally able to smile for the first time. Maybe I'm back in the upswing now. I certainly hope so.

Damn this depression.

On another note, I cannot begin to thank all of you for your support, advice and just plain listening (reading) to me. You have all helped so much more than you realize and I thank God for you all. When you post a comment here it e-mails me and I check it from time to time at work. Opening my e-mail and finding all of your comments have bolstered me through hurricane winds. Your comments have also given me much to think about and it's been very helpful.

I would also like to thank John D. at the Storied Mind. If you haven't ever visited his blog, please do so. I have been admiring the beauty of his blog for ages. Not only is it so very aesthetically pleasing to the eye with gorgeous colors, art, etc, the writing is extraordinary and has helped me a lot. He left a comment on my blog stating that he gave me an award called "The Lemonade Award" and here it is:

The rules of this award are as follows:
  • Put the logo on your blog or post.
  • Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
  • Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
  • Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
  • Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
It will be difficult to pick only ten blogs that display great attitude/gratitude because there are so many inspirational blogs out there. The following blogs signify the ones that really kept me going during very dark times, who have made me smile or laugh like crazy when I never thought I could again and also from people who have supported me so very much that I will never be able to repay all the goodness they have put into my life. I would like to give this award to the following bloggers:

  • Linda - You are the first to comment in my blog and the first blogger I met. You have tirelessly supported me through thick and thin and have taught me quite a bit. If only I lived in Australia, I would take you out for coffees and appletinis. Your writing continues to amaze me and I have so much enjoyed watching how your writing continues to get better and better. It's always been so good I can't imagine it getting any better, but it does! Oh, and by the way, my favorite still is the story you wrote when you were a teen about the girl walking out of the surf onto the beach. I still laugh when I think about it now! I have a special gift that I'm sending to Australia very soon as soon as I get caught up with things and can get to the post office. You are a gem and I love ya!!
  • Daisy - You are such a very special girl who really has her head on right and I admire you so very much. If only I were like you when I was young and your age! Thank you for always e-mailing me to check in. You are a beauty.
  • John Finn -  I found you via BlogRush when I saw your blog name of "Curdled: A Life Gone Sour". The name MADE me click on the link and I have never been disappointed that I did. Your life is so interesting, so mysterious and keeps me coming back to learn more about you. Your writing is great, you have had me in stitches laughing at times and I've even gasped "Oh my GAWD!" at times when reading what drama is happening in your life. Your support is much appreciated and your friendship is treasured.
  • John D - Yes, I realize you gave me the award, but I didn't read any rule that says you can't re-gift it, so there you go! Your blog has been an inspiration to me and I thank you for all of your hard and serious work. Your writing is beautiful and I have always been excited to visit you and see what your next topic would be.
  • Brent Diggs - I don't know how many times I have been completely in the dumps and visited your blog and smiled for the first time in a week as the page opened. Your writing is great, you have a wonderful sense of humor and your imagination is spectacular. I have always loved how you have such a sense of family as well. Please tell Dr. Toboggans that I miss him DEARLY, that is if you've found him, yet. I have a feeling he lives with you and eats your Frosted Flakes at 3:00am while you're sleeping and also deletes all of your blog posts which is why you seem to not have written as much lately. :) One last thing, I think it was so wonderful that you have taken a break from blogging and are blogging on your own terms now. You are working on that balance in your life and it's something that I need to do more often. Thank you for everything, Brent. You make a big impact on people's lives and I'm sure you don't even realize it.
  • Soulful Sepulcher - You are THE WOMAN! The fearless Momma Bear breaking boundaries and fighting for your daughter to the end. Oprah Winfrey needs to recognize you on "The Best Mother Ever" show. You have fought so long and so hard and you keep ticking. Thank you so much for sharing your life in the blogosphere. The way you blog about pharmaceutical companies and the way you educate your readers is wonderful. Thank you for everything.
  • Crotchety Old Man -Old Man, you make me smile and that says a lot coming from a chronically depressed person. :) Thank you for your kind words and your support. You are so very much appreciated. I want to see a picture of your ramp painted red!!
  • Annie - You have been through so very much and you keep ticking as well. You are a superbly special soul and I hope one day you realize that because guess what? We certainly all see it. Thank you for sharing your life and really putting it out there. It takes a lot of courage and I admire you a lot.
  • Immi -  Thank you so much for your support and concern. Thank you as well for educating your readers the way you do in your blog. Awareness is so highly important and you are doing everyone so much good just by being you. Thank you.
  • Seaneen - I've just been getting to know you and I love you! You are such an inspiration to me. Keep doing what you're doing. You are very courageous as well and you are helping loads of people with your blog. I look forward to continuing to get to know you as I visit your blog more in the future.
If you haven't visited these bloggers, please do. You'll be glad that you did.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Some Things Never Change

Warning. If you are in a bad place, don't read this now. It may not help you a bit and if anything may make you feel worse. I don't want to trigger anyone.

I made it into work today. I didn't get there until around 11:00am, but at least I was there. When finally able to get myself out of the bed my internal dialogue went something like the following:

  • I don't want to go to work.
  • I can't face people today.
  • I can't interact.
  • I won't be able to focus.
  • What the hell am I doing?
  • Who am I kidding?
  • I am a loser.
  • Thank God the world doesn't depend on me to get things done or we would be extinct.
  • What an arrogant thing to think!
  • The economy is in shambles and I can't get out of bed? I could lose my job for gawd's sake and here I am not able to go because of what? BECAUSE I AM A LOSER!
  • Do I really have depression or am I just a loser who is lazy as hell?
  • I am a loser and am lazy as hell.
  • I want to die.
  • I want to just end this shit.
  • I have no will to live any more or will to do ANYTHING!
  • Wait...I have no will? What happened to it? What happened to my determination?
  • What happened to me?
  • I just want to die and end this.
I had these thoughts as I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my clothes, etc. The talk never stopped and the voice in my head never took a breath. It was incessant and made me even more miserable.

I got into my car, drove to work and trudged inside. Did I get a lick of work done? Absolutely not. I was a sitting corpse with a rotting soul only wanting to be cremated, turned to ashes and disappear in the breeze.

I couldn't focus though I tried. It became very frustrating because focus was next to nothing and I felt even more of a loser.

I did realize a few things today while rotting in my chair:
  • I have no support system. I really cannot count on my husband or parents to be there emotionally for me in times like this. If anything, because my husband has treated me so poorly in the past while I've had a bad downward spiral into depression I never want to tell him the depths of my despair. I make excuses to make living with him during the dark time not as difficult. I can't talk with my Mom because she goes silent. She doesn't know what to say and both my husband and Mom become very worried to the point that it is of no benefit to me at all. In fact, it is a hindrance. Seriously, all I wish for during that time is acceptance and love. I wish someone would just hug me. They don't have to understand me, but acceptance would be most beneficial. The only support system I can say I have is my dog, HoneyBunny. She lays by me the entire time and never wavers in her love. She never leaves.
  • I really have lost my determination in life. I have no clue where it went or how to get it back.
  • I am seriously sick right now and need to check in with a doctor. I can't afford it with my crap medical insurance (mostly crap when it concerns mental health) and the cheapest counselor I've found is $110 an hour! Just going once a week would be $440 and going even once a month wouldn't be enough to help emotionally in the beginning at least.
  • I really don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I've said this before, but I realized the depth of this even more today.
  • I really do want to die because I just want to end the pain. If it weren't for my daughter, I would have been dead long ago. My mind has thoughts like, "Well, it would hurt her at first, but she will get better with time", "I can write her a letter and though she won't understand as much now, she will as an adult". It is called rationalization. I realize this. Once again, I wish I could see a counselor.
  • I have tried so hard to be a good mom and am so worried that my daughter will remember her teen years as the time she realized her Mom has depression. I am worried that she will end up in a counselor's office one day as an adult talking about me and how I ruined her life. I then realize that it will most definitely happen if I do myself in.
I am crying now. I don't know what to do. I am so behind in my schoolwork, my Christmas tree isn't up yet, and for goodness sake, I just need a break from all thinking and feeling.

I just want to sleep.

The following song came out in 1987 when I was 16 years old. The Smiths sang it and the song name is "Asleep". At times like these I still listen to it. Some things never change...just like this damn depression.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

Monday, December 8, 2008

She Loves Me, But She Sure Has a Funny Way of Showing It

It is 3:18pm and I am finally awake. I missed work again. I feel like I ran the Boston Marathon when instead I've had a marathon of sleep and still can't wake up.

Let me reiterate; I missed work.....again.

I had every intention of going in today. I am such a complete loser for not going in. I set the alarm last night. I woke up at 6:30am to make sure my daughter woke up. From there everything becomes fuzzy because I literally do not remember walking out of her room to my bed and falling asleep again. All that I remember is waking up at 8:30am realizing that it was late because the sun was so bright in the room. I then contacted work and told them that I am still not feeling well and will be in the office tomorrow. Why they should believe that I'll be there, I have no idea. I don't believe it myself.

My Mom called today. She's been calling all weekend and I never answered. When I get like this it is difficult to talk and act like everything is fine. She realizes when I don't call back that I'm going through another episode, as I call it, and she gets worried. Finally, today I answered the phone and we spoke.

My mother knows that I have depression. She knows that I was in the hospital a little more than two years ago. I remember the day before I was going into the psychiatric ward she and Daddy were going on vacation to the beach. She knew that I was being admitted and she asked on the phone whether she should go on vacation or not. Of course I didn't want her to feel bad about going on vacation, and my word, if she has to ask me, I would rather her go anyway. Let me say this one more time, though: I was being admitted to a psychiatric hospital and she asks if it's OK with me that she goes to the beach? By all means, Momma, go to the beach! Just because your only child wants to end her life because she has depression so overpowering that she can't see straight, don't let it get in the way of you having fun on your beach vacation!

Don't get me wrong. My mother is very sweet and nice. Everyone loves her. She is a very elegant woman in her own way and I know that she loves me. It's just at times she has a funny way of showing it and it hurts. She would rather come to your house the morning that she is going to the beach right before you are driven to the hospital by your husband because you can't drive yourself, give you a hug and press a check into your hand so that she feels absolved of any guilt because she gave you money. I dutifully told her to have fun and not worry about me. She actually went to the beach. I hope that she had fun and it was worth it. Oh wait a minute; she gave me money to help out with the bills while I was in the cuckoo's nest. OK, I guess it was worth it to her.

She was at the beach for one week. I was in the hospital over six weeks. She never came to visit, but she did call. She doesn't live in another state. She lives about 20 minutes away.

After getting out of the hospital, I tried really hard to be honest about my feelings and tell people when I felt the maw of depression tickling my neck but when I did that my husband and parents freaked out. I realized I couldn't tell them because they all automatically thought I would go back to the hospital. I even remember there were times that my depression was manageable and I was OK, but maybe I would have had a bad day, like anyone else in the world, it happens, and my mother would get this frightened voice and ask, "Are you doing OK? Are you getting sick again? Do you think you should go back to the hospital?" I would say, "I'm just having a bad day. It happens to people without depression! I am fine, don't worry!" After a while I just started acting like I felt great no matter how I truly felt. I don't know who wouldn't do the same.

Today on the phone with Momma, she asked how I was doing and if I was going through an episode. She said that she had called all weekend and was worried. I told her that I'm having an episode again, but that it would get better as it does. Since I have one child who is the love of my life, I now ask myself this question: If that were my daughter, would I say after the fact that I'd been calling all weekend because I was worried or would I have gotten in my car and driven to her house? Most definitely the latter. In fact, I would have gone to her house, made food for her and her family, cleaned up, washed clothes and done whatever she needed.

Momma asked if I needed anything or if she could do anything. I told her no. I feel bad to ask for anything, and I know that she wouldn't feel comfortable anyway, so it's just easier to say no. She must know that I hate to ask, and anyway, if she wanted to do anything, why didn't she drive to my house to see me since she was so worried?

I realize that I sound very passive-aggressive right now and I certainly don't mean to be. I just don't know what else to say about all of this.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Claws are Ever Tighter and I Cannot Get Rid of Them

-Image by Mahesh Haridevan

It's back. Depression has its desperate claws edged on the tip of my soul. I can feel its dripping maw near my neck and it makes it difficult to breathe. It encircles me and gags me and I try to accept that it's there and acceptance is futile. During my good times I think I have accepted the fact that I have depression. When it comes to remind me that I have it, the overwhelming feeling of "Again?" rushes my senses and I am quieted.

I have felt it all week. I tried to pretend that it wasn't there. I tried to do things. Instead I have slept. A lot. I am always embarrassed to admit this. Horribly embarrassed.

I missed work. Quite a bit of it.

Today I was finally able to get myself out of the house and met a friend from high school. We recently reunited. It was wonderful to see her. Though it was very nice to spend time with her, I grew tired. I literally yawned. Several times. She even noticed and commented. I yawned even though I've slept most of the week. When I wasn't asleep I tried to pretend that I was fine. I was merely having some type of strange, extended vacation that I never requested beforehand. Though I slept all day, every day this past week, when my daughter got home from school I would wake up and act like I had been working from home all day. I was in my pajamas. I hadn't brushed my teeth yet. My hair was disheveled. I don't know if she believed me. Monday and Tuesday she asked why I was home. I lied and told her that I worked from home. For the rest of the week she didn't ask anymore. She's a smart girl. I'm sure that she realizes.

My work thinks that I had strep and stomach problems. I hate lying like that.

In this economy and also considering that I am a contractor, I am worried about losing my job. They already have a hiring freeze on software developers. They are flying contractors from India by the plane load and paying them nothing while giving them apartments where they shack up four and five to a two-bedroom apartment. They have no car and walk back and forth to work and the grocery store. They have no life. They are happy to be here. They are hard workers. They get paid next to nothing. I can easily be replaced. The company would save money. I don't know why they haven't done it already. It does disgust me though because these highly intelligent people from India are trying to find their American Dream and are being paid next to nothing. They need to be paid like everyone else, if not more because they work so very hard.

I have not worked hard this past week. I slept hard. When I was awake and acting like I was working from home I was reading other people's blogs until my eyes closed. I tried to blog and act like everything was OK. It hasn't been. Why do I act like everything is OK on my blog when this is the place where I can say exactly how I feel and not worry about it? I have thought about that and think it's because if I talk about my bad moments in those bad moments I have to accept that I have major and chronic depression. I can't run away from that fact and I certainly can't hide because depression always finds me.

I seriously cannot imagine being like this for the rest of my life. Typing that sentence makes me cry. How do people live like this? Will it ever get better? I have had depression my entire life, yet I have to say it gets worse with age. Not better. Worse. Worse and more worse. It is overwhelming to think about.

It is times like this that I truly want to die. Would I call that being suicidal? Not really because I'm not acting on it. Is it life that I want to end? Yes, if life is like this. I also realize on a rational level that I will get better again, it doesn't rain all day every day and I will not want to end my life when the sun peeks out to shine on my day. Like all people who think about suicide, I just want to end the pain and despair. It becomes all too much at times.

If I wasn't for my daughter I know that I wouldn't be here. I would be dead. She keeps me going when I cannot. She doesn't realize this and she should never realize this, but it's just the truth.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Teenage Girls Gone Wild

I forgot to blog about taking my daughter to the movie, "Twilight". This was a much-anticipated movie for my daughter because she read the book years ago and absolutely became addicted to the author and this series. I never read the book and didn't know what to expect, but after watching the teen flick I started reading the book. It's a quick read and I had to stop due to homework but I'll end up reading the whole series, I can tell.

Even as a 37 year old, I have to say that Robert Pattinson who played Edward in the movie is quite a good-looking lad and deserves the shrieks he received in the movie theater.

Speaking of the shrieks, it was absolutely wonderful to sit in the theater FULL of teenaged girls who swooned every time Edward displayed on the screen. The "ooohhhh's" and "ahhhh's" were so loud and I even heard a girl next to us say, "I wouldn't mind waking up to that every morning!". I looked over to see who said it and she must have been only 13 years old. What is the world coming to? I then sat there and tried to remember if I thought that way at 13. Well, sure I did! But I just never spoke it out loud to a bunch of strangers! The couth!!

I also remembered being at the movie theaters at 16 years of age watching the movie, "Dirty Dancing" for the first time. I had feelings in my privates I don't think I had felt before while watching a movie. Is that a bit too much information? Probably so, but I can't help it! My word, the way Patrick Swayze's hips undulated on the big screen was a bit too much for me. It's for sure that Swazye swayed around that movie! (OK, that was cheesy to say, but I HAD TO!)

Ahhh, the newness of youth! I would never go back to my teenage years but there are parts of it that I fondly remember. I just hope that my daughter's teenage years are filled with happy memories and not too many bad ones. I have tried very hard as her mother to ensure that. I hope it works out that way. Only time will tell.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Wrath of a Cat

I found this over at Wandering Coyote's blog and found it hilarious and wanted to share. It is very short and very funny. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to do the same to printers, faxes and computers when technology thwarted me.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The State Fair

I am behind in blogging things I've wanted to blog about and this post is about taking my daughter to the state fair. Every year it arrives in October and it was always a yearly event for us to attend. That is, up until three years ago when a boy was shot ten feet away from us by a gang member.

You wouldn't think in the po-dunk state I live in that there would be gangs, but there are and I don't need to travel to Los Angeles to see the danger they pose. I remember shots being fired and a crowd of people running around like crazy and screaming. Mayhem and chaos ruled the night and I grabbed my daughter and her two cousins and hid in a bathroom. After everything calmed down and police were milling around like ants on an elephant ear, we scurried out of the bathroom and headed straight for the gates to leave. I will never forget seeing the poor twelve year old boy who was shot with a huge amount of blood pooled around his head. It was like he was in a movie and it wasn't real. Unfortunately, it was all too real.

For two years after we did not attend. This year we decided to try again and instead of going at night we went in the daytime. I hoped that it would make a difference. As we walked up to get our tickets we had to pass through a metal detector. The line was long and there was a continuous beeping noise as people walked through. Instead of investigating what was beeping, personnel manning the metal detector waved people through anyway telling them to "move through the line, move through the line". I was in disbelief. If this is the case, why do we even go through them? As I walked through it beeped and I asked a lady working there if she needed to scan me or anything since it beeped. She briskly barked at me to just walk through. I stopped and asked what the point of the detectors were because I could have a gun on me and they wouldn't know the difference and she became very defensive saying that the line was long and people shouldn't wait.

I asked to speak with her manager. My daughter stood behind me completely embarassed. She is of the age where her parents can embarass her by breathing, so I wasn't too concerned. We were passed from manager to manager until finally being directed to the supervisor of the fair. The man was very kind and very concerned about my complaint. He explained that this was the first year the metal detectors were put into place and they had issues to work through with them. He was there the night the boy was shot years ago and he is very mindful about the safety of the fair. He said that he would speak with personnel at the gates and improve the process.

My daughter was ready to leave the office as soon as possible to start having fun and as we thanked the supervisor and walked outside, I stopped for a moment with my beauty and told her that I realized it must have been very boring for her to go through that, but it needed to be done to help protect the safety of everyone at the fair, including us. I explained that if they have metal detectors that they need to use them instead of giving people a false sense of security. During that moment I felt like my Mother complaining about something while I stood by grumpily as a child. I just want my daughter to see that you need to make a stand on certain things in life versus being passive as a snail. I hope it's something she remembers as an adult.

After going through that we walked to get our tickets for rides and such and off we walked through the fair. The camera I brought didn't have much of a charge left, so I took the pictures that I could below.

This is my little girly having fun, finally!

When I see this picture of my daughter I cannot believe how much older she is getting to be! It's just amazing how time flies.

This is a ride that we went on together. It is one of those rides that while you are spinning around like a Tasmanian Devil, it also rocks back and forth even to the point it seems to make an entire circle around. All I can say is that you shouldn't ride this monstrosity if you just drank a barrel of Coke and fries. I felt terribly sick on and off that ride that lasted for at least an hour. My daughter had fun, though, so it was worth it.

While at the fair we always visit the art buildings and also the barnyards full of great animals. There is one attraction they have every year where there are the cutest little baby ducks that are in this contraption with water sliding down the middle and they are up at the top trying to eat from a tray filled with feed over their heads. Sometimes when reaching out too far they slip in the water and slide down the slide. These little ducks were so cute because of the feathers on their head that made them look like they had hats on.

My favorites are the llamas. My battery had to go out right after taking this shot which was sad because I wanted some better pictures of them.

We also check out the local cows.

We rode a few more rides, ate some elephant ears and called it a day. Enjoy the rest of the pictures we took!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Black Friday

I thought that I would get up at 5:00am and go shopping for all of the fabulous sales Black Friday had to offer. I did wake up at 5:00am. I took my dog outside. While she walked around the yard I looked out the window into the darkness of night. Opening the door while letting her back inside chilled me to the bone. It was then I decided that it was absolutely ridiculous to get dressed at 5:00am to go shopping, of all things!

I promptly went back to bed.

Around 11:00am I woke up again and got dressed. My husband, daughter and I had a delicious breakfast and then visited the stores to see what was left. Everything was gone from the best sales and I didn't mind a bit. It was much better than traveling by myself to look around at the crack of dawn.

I read an article located at the CNN website about a poor man who opened the doors at Wal-Mart at 5:00am while over 2,000 people waiting outside since the night before surged in and trampled him to death. Was his life worth the $40 saved on a DVD player? Honestly, it makes me sick at times to think about America and its values. I am so happy that I wasn't one of the people surging into Wal-Mart at 5:00am and litrally walking on top of someone in order to take advantage of a sale. I would never forgive myself.

Will Americans learn their lesson? I'm afraid the answer is "No". Next year the newspapers will post the Black Friday ads and all Hell will break loose once again. No one will remember the poor guy who got trampled to death. They will just think about how much money they will save and obviously that will be more important than a human life.

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