I haven't posted IN AGES! I'm happy to say that I haven't been in bed this whole time with the dog of depression biting my ass. Things have been very busy with the Master's program at school, a lot of projects to complete at work and I started volunteering at a juvenile prison. I like to think of it as a teen rehabilitation center versus a prison. They have a mentoring program and I am currently mentoring three juveniles (all boys ages 16 to 17). I go after work for two hours on Wednesdays and then four hours on Saturday afternoons. It has been highly satisfying to work with these boys and greatly enjoyable.
I wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend and spend cherished time with your family and friends. We will be going to my parents house Thursday and then I have to work on writing a paper that is due this week (what is the professor thinking??).
So far I've lost 105 pounds and wanted to post before, during and after pics below. The last picture was taken a week or so ago.
I promise to start blogging soon. I am very thankful for each and every one of you and hope that you are all doing well! *hugs*
I'm back in the hospital on an outpatient basis. I've been there for two weeks and three weeks prior to that was in bed either asleep or when awake planning how I would die. I go Mondays to Fridays from 8:30am to 3:00pm and am finally starting to climb back out of the hole. I meet with a psychiatrist three times a week, have group sessions every day, meet with a nutritionist once a week, have had a lot of blood work done and meet with an individual counselor once to twice a week. Group sessions consist of a lot of classes to teach you skills on how to regulate emotions, be more educated about your diagnosis and how to process your life effectively.
In the past I've been to counselors once a week for an hour at a time. Doing what I'm doing now is like having eight therapy sessions in one day, so it's been some major power counseling. It was either that or end the pain and I decided that this would be my last thing to try and if it didn't work that was it.
I stopped taking meds about three months ago. I am now back on them again and am afraid that I will be on meds for life. My psychiatrist has been trying different combinations to help things out and finally I'm starting to see that the sun does shine sometimes.
I've had to take FMLA (medical leave of absence) from work and yes I'm stressing financially, but hasn't that been the cycle and I'm ready to break it. I was hospitalized five years ago at the same cuckoo's nest and I think I'm getting more out of it this time. I don't know if it's my age (I'll be 40 this year) or the program is better or I'm more receptive to it all or what, but I've been taking A LOT of notes, have received and scribbled on A LOT of handouts and I think when I get out of the hospital I'm going to start blogging again what I learned in the hospital to keep it fresh in my head.
I also want to change my blog a bit and will be thinking about this as well in the near future once I'm out for good.
I'm not sure if I previously stated that I finally graduated in December with my Bachelor's degree in Computer Information Systems. I did maintain the 4.0 GPA though I know it really doesn't matter because it's not like anyone will ever ask that question. It's just something I worked hard for and here is a place that I can talk about it.
I started the MBA program but have had to put it on hiatus at the moment but plan to start again as soon as I am discharged and am back at work.
Thank you all for the support and reading my crap. :) You mean more than you know.
I miss my daughter a lot. Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I woke up and am at work and have almost cried several times already and it's only 8:00am.
I saw her yesterday afternoon after work. It was good to see her and we laughed a lot together. When I was driving her back to her Dad's house for some reason I got confused on which side of the fork in the road I should take. I took the wrong one asking her if it was the correct way and she said it was. After a bit I realized that it was the wrong way and asked if she realized it and she said that she did. I asked why in the world did she say to go that way and she said, "Well, Mom, I'm spending time with you and I don't want it to end". I so badly wanted to say, "Well you are the one that moved out, not me" but I didn't.
It was obvious that she was excited to be together. I heard about all of the things she is doing at her Dad's house and have quit asking myself why she left. I now ask myself why would she have stayed? She gets to do practically everything she wants to do no matter what. If I was 17 years old I would want to live there as well.
It hurts so much. I badly want to blog about what happened the days leading up to her moving out, but I can't just yet. It's just so very upsetting to talk about it all. I still can't believe how she left. That is what I'm more in shock about versus that she is actually gone.
It is nice to see my daughter and yet at the same time when I take her back to her father's house and drive away I just start crying and can't stop.
I'm currently taking a finance class where I learned that net present value (or NPV) equals benefits minus the cost. You want an NPV of at least 1.0 or more. In this situation I believe my NPV is -10. If it were a business it would be a bad decision to see her. It's not a business decision though and the pain continues. I wonder if it will ever get to at least a 1.0. I deserve for it to be at least a 1.0 or more.
I found out that July 27th is my day in court for the bankruptcy. I thought I would meet before a judge and instead will be meeting with the creditors and also the trustee that I will be paying money to every month for the next five years for my Chapter 13 bankruptcy.
For the next five years if I want to do anything like selling assets such as the house or wanting to be part of a payment plan I need to pay my attorney $350 an incident in order for them to do paperwork to get it approved by a judge. Right now I'm saving money for a car. If I went to a dealership to finance a car I would need to go in front of a judge. If I save the money and pay for it in cash there is no need to go in front of the judge. I would rather pay in cash anyway and not have a montly payment. I don't see how I can afford a car until around February of next year. Right now I've been using my parents car and carpooling with a guy that lives down the road from me who works where I do.
Today I see my daughter after work. It's been quite surreal spending time with her after what happened. I am trying to make it work, though. It is obvious when I see her that she really misses me a lot and is excited to be spending time together. I am not there yet. I suppose the pain will go away over time and it will get easier as it goes. I hope so, at least.
I am taking two courses this quarter. One is a finance course and I'm learning that I never realized how many ways you can look at money. There are a lot of formulas, a lot of homework and I hope I get through with an "A". I don't want to mess up my 4.0 GPA. I have one more quarter after this one and will be graduating with my Bachelor's of Science in computer information systems in December. I can't wait.
I am thinking about going for a Master's afterwards. I'm not sure yet.
Well, July 27 here we go. I'm still waiting to find out when my other court date will be when I meet with a federal judge about my security clearance for work. So far I've received seven reference letters. I hope the judge rules in my favor.
My husband remembered my birthday around 10:30am yesterday. He then brought roses to me at work with a card. It was nice to see him and the roses were beautiful. He also ordered a cake for me which we enjoyed last night.
My daughter was acting like a strange bird yesterday. She never said anything about my birthday and when I asked her about it, she said that she kept remembering it was my birthday and then forgetting and doesn't know why she didn't say anything about it. In the past she has forgotten, but this time to know that she remembered and didn't say anything is very strange to me.
She didn't act like herself yesterday at all. I asked her if everything was OK and did anything happen at school and she said that she was fine. I could tell that she did feel bad about not saying anything about my birthday. It's just so weird the way she acted. I really don't understand.
I'm still celebrating my birthday. I love that it comes right before Halloween. I always squeeze more days out for my birthday every year.
I'm excited about next weekend because my best friends from high school and I are going out for my birthday. I went ahead and told my family that my birthday doesn't end until November 7. :)
Tonight my daughter is babysitting and won't be home. My husband and I both have homework to do, so I think that we will just lay in bed and do homework to get it over with. Tomorrow night my daughter is going to her boyfriends house to pass out candy with their family. My husband and I will be passing out candy at our house. I always enjoy doing that because I love seeing the little children in their costumes. My favorite costumes are the little bumblebee and ladybug babies.
I hope that you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween weekend. Thank goodness the time changes and we get an extra hour this weekend!
My husband has been having a lot of digestive issues lately that include horrible bloating, extreme constipation and then diarrhea along with horrible cramping. This has been going on for the last two weeks and he has been utterly miserable.
He's from Morocco and hates going to doctors and taking medicine. When he went to the doctor twice in one week I knew that he was near death. Not to mention all the different medicines he has been trying as well.
The other day he called while in the doctor's office. He was filling out the form where it asks your history and he called to ask what medicines he's been taking because he couldn't remember them all by name. I told him that he's been taking Miralax, an enzyme supplement, Beneful, etc. He asked how to spell Beneful and I spelled it out for him and we got off the phone.
The next morning he came into the bedroom while I was getting ready laughing and said, "I can't believe you had me write down 'Beneful' on that form yesterday. I said, "Why? That's what you've been taking". He said, "No, I just fed the dogs and saw 'Beneful' on the label. Beneful is a dog food! I've been taking BENEFIBER!!!!".
We laughed our butts off about that. He said that they must not have noticed because the nurse or doctor didn't even comment about it. He said that if they noticed it, they would have said, "No wonder you're having such digestion issues...you shouldn't be eating dog food!"
The last few days with him have been better. He's up and down as usual, but mostly up which is good. I think he feels better about going to the doctor and trying to get help for himself. They want to do a colonoscopy but it hasn't been scheduled yet.
I am doing alright. I'm just tired all the time as usual. I am tired of being tired. I got to work a bit early this morning and can hardly concentrate on what I need to get done. What I do is so technical at times and you have to be in the right frame of mind to do it. Writing this post is easy peasy because hardly any thinking is involved.
I start school again on October 12. I'm not looking forward to one of the classes because I think it's going to kick my bum. I'm very worried it will mess up the 4.0 GPA. I don't know why I care about that damn GPA. It's not like anyone will ask me what my GPA is when finishing university.
There is no segue to the next subject. I was reading CNN last night and saw that there is a practice called "crushing". It's where a woman is videotaped crushing a small animal (like a rabbit) with her bare foot or wearing a spiked heel. The woman's face isn't shown, but it's some type of sexual fetish. I was floored to say the least. Have you heard about this? Are you as shocked as me?
I quit smoking for two years and have started again. I started back when I was trying to find a job and didn't think much about it. Just thought that I was stressed and it would help during the craziness. I now have a job and am continuing to smoke. I just went outside at work and had one and feel sick. I just want to stop doing it. I don't get any joy from it and it's no longer helping, but hindering my health.
For the past few days I've felt like a sinus infection is coming on. I used to get a lot of sinus infections when smoking years ago and that is one of the reasons why I stopped. When I feel the symptoms reappear in the last few days, it's another reason why I want to stop now. My throat has started hurting, ears hurt and now my body is hurting as well. I have a constant headache and am completely exhausted. When I wake up in the morning I can't breathe through my nose at all and am tired of it being stuffy.
I'm glad I wrote about this. Just seeing the words has made me decide that it's time to quit again. Hold on while I throw my cigarettes away.....
There we go. I just threw away what I have and don't intend to buy anymore. I quit cold turkey last time and can do it again.
I also notice the way my clothes smell when smoking and can't stand it. I never really noticed it back when I smoked all of the time. Now I do notice and hate smelling this way. After smoking I always wash my hands and use "Midnight Pomegranate" (from Bath and Body Works) antibacterial hand foam because I love how it smells and also how it eradicates the smoky smell. I use it all the time anyway and it really helps while smoking.
Now I won't be using it after smoking a cig anymore because once again, I'm done. It's over.
I feel relief while typing that.
Another thing that is really getting to me is my weight. Yes, I've blogged about it in the past, but it's getting to the point where even my "fat" clothes are getting tight and damn if I'm going to buy a larger size. I don't feel comfortable in my clothes at all and feel like I've been wrapped in cellophane every day. Even when I breathe, my clothes feel like they have constricted around me and won't let me get a full breath.
I'm rarely hungry. I don't eat a lot. I'm even getting to the point that nothing tastes good anymore and wish that I didn't have to eat at all. I've thought of just stopping eating, but that is my anorexic brain whispering words of intoxication into my ear. As I've blogged before, I'm a fat anorexic. I used to be anorexic for years and was very skinny. Even when skinny I was never happy because I always thought I could lose just five more pounds. When I see pictures of myself back then I can't believe how great I looked compared to now.
My husband asked to have sex again last night. I declined. Not only do I not feel good, but I don't feel like it with him anyway as I've written about before.
I've decided to stay with my husband until my insurance starts the first of September. He says that he really wants to go to counseling. He says that he also wants to go to a doctor to see what could be wrong with him mentally and will take any meds they may prescribe. This may turn out to help a lot of things between us and so I will persevere. If either things don't get better, or he doesn't go to counseling, a doctor, or take meds, it is over. I will then feel I did everything to make the marriage work and will have no regrets or feel that I could have done something more.
As soon as my insurance starts I am also going to visit a doctor to get all tests done under the sun to help with my weight and health. I am tired of being overweight. I do not look to food for comfort and don't eat a lot, but the weight makes me look like I shove Twinkies in my mouth 24/7. I don't eat candy, cakes, cookies, potato chips, etc. I love fruits and vegetables and eat them a lot. I went to a gym and worked out for a month and gained four pounds. I cried and didn't go back afterwards.
I am going to go back though because I've noticed since stopping going that I feel more tired all of the time and don't have the same endurance I had before.
Work is going alright, just a lot of projects that need to be completed. School is fine. I made a 97 on my term paper, 98 on my mid-term and 96 on my presentation. I have 100's in my other class.
My mind is a sieve and I feel like I'm just vomiting on the page. I feel like doing that most of the time anyway due to my clothes wrapping around me like a boa constrictor.
At least I threw away my cigarettes. Maybe that will be a start in a new direction.
I made a 98 on my political science mid-term exam and a 100 on my database management systems mid-term. Not too shabby. Still holding that 4.0 GPA. If only I can last.
The job has been going good. Seven projects have been assigned to me already and it feel like I'm drowning. I'm sure it will get easier over time.
I'm still married. My husband said that he really wants to make this work. We are going to get family counseling and he said that he will attend, which is a good thing. I hope that it helps. He also said that he would go to a psychiatrist to see if any meds will help him because he can't stand the chaos he endures and gives to others. My insurance starts September 1 and I'm hoping that he will still go then.
Taking a break from class and need to get back. I love my political science teacher. He reminds me of my grandfather who died when I was ten years old. I just sit in the front row, staring and listening to him. I wish my grandfather was still alive. I've missed him so much over the years.
It's 12:02pm and I have been up since last night at 10:00pm working from home. I haven't slept since two nights ago and I'm dizzy with exhaustion.
To make a very long story short since my last posting, the following are a few updates:
I had a very busy Christmas and did not have once chance to blog about anything. In fact, I was rarely on the internet except for work. I have so many e-mails waiting to be checked on.
I finished out the quarter at university with A's in both classes. The 10-page research paper was finally completed, C++ programs were written and my 4.0 GPA wasn't compromised...whew! I am finally a senior! Who would think the moment would arrive? I certainly did not.
A girl I used to work with called asking if I would like a one-year free membership to a local gym. She won it at a charity auction and wasn't going to use it. I could not believe my luck while saying I would love to have the membership and maybe this year will finally be one that is full of health and weight loss.
Our Christmas was the best Christmas we have had in years, which was quite refreshing.
Christmas did start with some family dysfunction due to seeing my biological father for the first time in years, but it ended up on a good note (not with him, but Christmas in general).
We have a new dog named Foxy who is my husband's cutie. He is thrilled to have her.
HoneyBunny wasn't so sure about Foxy at first, but they are getting along a bit more each day.
My husband's and my anniversary was December 27. We spent a very nice anniversary with each other. It's been eight years together with six being married. Things have been going better between us.
I got sick this past week and worked from home. Thankfully it wasn't mental illness, but physical with nasty symptoms such as headache/throat ache/fevers/exhaustion/hacking/coughing/body aches/sneezing/etc. I'll take that over mental illness any day. It's been a whole bunch of fun and we weren't able to go out for New Year's Eve because of it. Oh well, better luck next year.
I'm still not feeling great, but am better, thank God.
My daughter's 16th birthday is coming up in January. She is dying to have a special "Sweet 16" birthday. If ya'll have any ideas, please let me know.
Thank you everyone for your support, advice and everything ya'll have done this past year for me. I owe each and every one of you so very much because you each have helped me more than you realize. I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season because you certainly deserve it.
I am finally going to take my poll down. My husband said that he would not go to a hotel to spend the night for no reason. It was good to be able to tell him everyone's feedback. Thank you all for your objectivity.
I will blog more about specific bullet points later. Right now I'm going to blog around and read what's been happening in your world. I've missed all of you!
It's 2:44am and I'm awake. From sleeping so much during this depressive episode (my lovely downward spiral), now I can't sleep even though my body is tired. It's more like my eyes and head are tired. Everything else is awake. I tossed and turned for a while until finally getting up because I couldn't stand it anymore and fired up the laptop. I'm behind in my schoolwork and next week is the last week (Thank God!) and I need to get things done, so I'm going to work on my C++ programming class work.
I've decided to stay up since I need to be getting ready for work in three hours and 45 minutes anyway. By doing this I'll make sure not to oversleep and will be dead tired tomorrow evening. Maybe I will be able to sleep well and then wake up early Friday morning and get my circadian rhythm going again in the right direction.
I made it into work today again at 11:30am. Yes, once again late, but I made it. The bad thing about getting there late is working late, but I'm not complaining. It was difficult to interact with everyone, but by tonight I was finally able to smile for the first time. Maybe I'm back in the upswing now. I certainly hope so.
Damn this depression.
On another note, I cannot begin to thank all of you for your support, advice and just plain listening (reading) to me. You have all helped so much more than you realize and I thank God for you all. When you post a comment here it e-mails me and I check it from time to time at work. Opening my e-mail and finding all of your comments have bolstered me through hurricane winds. Your comments have also given me much to think about and it's been very helpful.
I would also like to thank John D. at the Storied Mind. If you haven't ever visited his blog, please do so. I have been admiring the beauty of his blog for ages. Not only is it so very aesthetically pleasing to the eye with gorgeous colors, art, etc, the writing is extraordinary and has helped me a lot. He left a comment on my blog stating that he gave me an award called "The Lemonade Award" and here it is:
The rules of this award are as follows:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
It will be difficult to pick only ten blogs that display great attitude/gratitude because there are so many inspirational blogs out there. The following blogs signify the ones that really kept me going during very dark times, who have made me smile or laugh like crazy when I never thought I could again and also from people who have supported me so very much that I will never be able to repay all the goodness they have put into my life. I would like to give this award to the following bloggers:
Linda - You are the first to comment in my blog and the first blogger I met. You have tirelessly supported me through thick and thin and have taught me quite a bit. If only I lived in Australia, I would take you out for coffees and appletinis. Your writing continues to amaze me and I have so much enjoyed watching how your writing continues to get better and better. It's always been so good I can't imagine it getting any better, but it does! Oh, and by the way, my favorite still is the story you wrote when you were a teen about the girl walking out of the surf onto the beach. I still laugh when I think about it now! I have a special gift that I'm sending to Australia very soon as soon as I get caught up with things and can get to the post office. You are a gem and I love ya!!
Daisy - You are such a very special girl who really has her head on right and I admire you so very much. If only I were like you when I was young and your age! Thank you for always e-mailing me to check in. You are a beauty.
John Finn - I found you via BlogRush when I saw your blog name of "Curdled: A Life Gone Sour". The name MADE me click on the link and I have never been disappointed that I did. Your life is so interesting, so mysterious and keeps me coming back to learn more about you. Your writing is great, you have had me in stitches laughing at times and I've even gasped "Oh my GAWD!" at times when reading what drama is happening in your life. Your support is much appreciated and your friendship is treasured.
John D - Yes, I realize you gave me the award, but I didn't read any rule that says you can't re-gift it, so there you go! Your blog has been an inspiration to me and I thank you for all of your hard and serious work. Your writing is beautiful and I have always been excited to visit you and see what your next topic would be.
Brent Diggs - I don't know how many times I have been completely in the dumps and visited your blog and smiled for the first time in a week as the page opened. Your writing is great, you have a wonderful sense of humor and your imagination is spectacular. I have always loved how you have such a sense of family as well. Please tell Dr. Toboggans that I miss him DEARLY, that is if you've found him, yet. I have a feeling he lives with you and eats your Frosted Flakes at 3:00am while you're sleeping and also deletes all of your blog posts which is why you seem to not have written as much lately. :) One last thing, I think it was so wonderful that you have taken a break from blogging and are blogging on your own terms now. You are working on that balance in your life and it's something that I need to do more often. Thank you for everything, Brent. You make a big impact on people's lives and I'm sure you don't even realize it.
Soulful Sepulcher - You are THE WOMAN! The fearless Momma Bear breaking boundaries and fighting for your daughter to the end. Oprah Winfrey needs to recognize you on "The Best Mother Ever" show. You have fought so long and so hard and you keep ticking. Thank you so much for sharing your life in the blogosphere. The way you blog about pharmaceutical companies and the way you educate your readers is wonderful. Thank you for everything.
Crotchety Old Man -Old Man, you make me smile and that says a lot coming from a chronically depressed person. :) Thank you for your kind words and your support. You are so very much appreciated. I want to see a picture of your ramp painted red!!
Annie - You have been through so very much and you keep ticking as well. You are a superbly special soul and I hope one day you realize that because guess what? We certainly all see it. Thank you for sharing your life and really putting it out there. It takes a lot of courage and I admire you a lot.
Immi - Thank you so much for your support and concern. Thank you as well for educating your readers the way you do in your blog. Awareness is so highly important and you are doing everyone so much good just by being you. Thank you.
Seaneen - I've just been getting to know you and I love you! You are such an inspiration to me. Keep doing what you're doing. You are very courageous as well and you are helping loads of people with your blog. I look forward to continuing to get to know you as I visit your blog more in the future.
If you haven't visited these bloggers, please do. You'll be glad that you did.
It is 1:00am and I am taking a break for a few minutes while waiting for the pumpkin pie to be ready to pull out of the oven. I've been cooking since getting home around 7:00pm. The kitchen is a mess. I try hard to be organized and keep everything clean while cooking and it was not a successful night tonight trying to do that. After posting this I'll get back in that kitchen and clean like crazy.
I started the night by taking pictures to post on the blog, but that wasn't successful either because my daughter's digital camera went loopy and cut off and didn't cut back on (bad news because it did this even after putting in fresh batteries) and my husband's digital camera battery is dead. So, not many pictures were taken and am a bit bummed by that. I thought it would be fun to post the pictures especially for all of you overseas. I plan to take pictures tomorrow and will post them here this weekend.
Tomorrow twelve people will be eating lunch with us along with my parents, my husband's sister and her family and a friend of my husband's from university. My Mom is making macaroni and cheese and a broccoli salad. I'm making the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes (not out of a box but the real ones), stuffing, three-layer pumpkin pie, squash casserole, peas, french bread, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce. Tonight I've made everything except the turkey, gravy and stuffing. I should get up by 7:00am in order to pop the turkey in the oven in time and we'll eat by 1:00pm. I just hope that I'll be able to get all of the food on the table at the same time and it will all be hot. That is definitely an art that I don't possess. We shall see.
While cooking I was listening to the radio and a song that I loved as a teenager from "The Fixx" played called "One Thing Leads to Another". The first time I heard it was one of the rare times I saw my biological father named Jim. He was visiting his Mom and she picked me up to go to her house so that I could see him (note, so that I could see him because he never visited me). He had the song on a tape in his car and I went nuts. I played it over and over again and begged him for the tape. I remember he wasn't happy giving it to me but did anyway. Hearing the song made me wonder what he was doing tonight. What will his Thanksgiving be like tomorrow? Is he happy? Does he think about me? I haven't seen him for twelve years. The last time I spoke with him on the telephone was approximately eight years ago. I had called asking if we could have lunch together. I told him that I was hoping that maybe we could get to know each other as adults. He actually said, "Well I understand why you would want to see me. I do the same as you. I want to go see my parents because they are a point of reference to me. It is good to see them and project how you will age". I was flabbergasted. He thought I wanted to see him to see how I would age! He said that we would get together for lunch and he would contact me and of course he never did.
I remember being pregnant with my daughter almost sixteen years ago and speaking with him on the phone. As always I had called him. We had a huge spat to the point that I was almost hyperventilating (he and my husband are the only people in this world that have made me that upset) and he asked me, "Why do you keep trying to be my friend?"
Unbelievable.
I did call him sporadically over the years (maybe twice after that?) and I have to ask myself why did I keep trying to be his friend? Thinking about it all now makes me want to cry. Tears appear but don't fall. My heart falls though. I never understood why he didn't love me or was there for me or why he had nothing to do with me. I blamed myself as a child and always felt rejected because of it. Now that I'm 37 it's easier and don't blame myself anymore. He is bipolar and definitely has issues. I guess I will just always wonder, "What if?" I am curious if he will ever call if he discovers that he is terminally ill or is on his deathbed. I have a feeling that he will not. Why start then? I think I will go to my grave never understanding him. I am his only child with his only grandchild. That doesn't seem to matter to him. I don't think it ever will.
Wow, what a morose conversation at 1:47am. I've been running back and forth to check on the pumpkin pie. It's still too wet in the middle and still cooking.
The video is below. It's quite hilarious to watch because it's so 80's. I wonder what the band members think about that video when they watch it in 2008. They must smile like you do when seeing a picture of yourself wearing some crazy outfit like parachute pants and the Members Only jacket or the classic mullet hairstyle.
I found the following cartoon on the Internet:
I have to say that I never understood why we celebrate Thanksgiving. The intention of Thanksgiving is to give thanks. The American Indians celebrated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and it is because of the American Indians that we learned how to catch eel and grow corn and look what we did to them. That's a lot thanks, now isn't it?
At times I feel it's embarrassing to be an American when I think of certain events that occurred in American history.
I just realized that this post is going all over the place. Let me get it back to the topic, which is giving thanks. At this time of year I would like to list what I'm thankful for below.
I am very thankful for my daughter. She is the light of my life and if it wasn't for her I am sure that I would have offed myself ages ago.
I am very thankful for my husband. Yes, he drives me insane. He has good intentions, though. He has issues like the rest of us and he has really been working to improve himself and our relationship. He has been very good to my daughter over the years. That says a lot considering the fact that he has never had children.
I am very thankful for my Mom. Sometimes she drives me crazy and the more I understand her the sadder it makes me sometimes, but I just need to learn to accept and move on. She is a good mother and tried her best. Sometimes it wasn't good enough, but she honestly couldn't help it. She was adopted by a 50-year old couple who had never had children and weren't affectionate. They did wonderful things for her and took great care of her, but they could be quite cold at times and because of them my Mom was an adult at five years of age, or at least she was expected to act like one.
I am very thankful for my stepfather. He had been previously married prior to marrying my Mom and had three children ten years older than me. He always told everyone that he had four children and always treated me like his own. If it wasn't for him and my Uncle Jimmy I would really hate men, I think. They taught me how to be treated and valued me unconditionally. I am eternally grateful. It was recently Daddy's birthday and he went away for the night and I wasn't able to see him. I ordered a birthday cake and tomorrow after Thanksgiving lunch I am going to put candles on the cake, light them up and walk out singing "Happy Birthday". He will absolutely love it. He loves special attention like sometimes.
I am very grateful that my cousins and I were reunited this past year. I need to write about that sometime. I grew up with them and spent a lot of time with them every summer and over the holidays as a child. I consider them to be the sisters I never had. I love them dearly and am absolutely thrilled that we are now talking with each other, spending time together and being in each others lives. I never thought that would happen and the miracle occurred.
I am so very thankful for my dog named HoneyBunny. She is such a wonderful superhuman and I adore her more every day.
I am very thankful to be able to attend university and finally get my degree one day.
I am very thankful to have a job during these tough economic times. Though I can't stand it most of the time at least I am able to pay the bills.
I am thankful that I made the decision to start the women's boot camp and will be starting this Monday. For once I am doing something for myself and am proud about that.
I am thankful that the store I shop for clothes at had a "buy one, get one free" sale and that I also had a coupon for $75.00 off. I went shopping today before coming home to cook because I just wanted to feel nice tomorrow with a new outfit. I haven't bought myself an outfit in years and am tired of wearing the same thing every weekend. It becomes depressing over time. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It will feel good to put on new clothes. I haven't experienced that feeling in years. I even bought some new pajamas. This is embarrassing to say, but I have three other pajamas that I have worn for eight years now. They all have holes in them in a lot of different places, the hem is gone and they are falling apart. It was depressing to see myself like that night after night. I can't wait to put on my new pj's. I'll feel like a different person.
Last and most certainly not least, I am so thankful to each of you who visit my blog. I am so very grateful for the people who have commented in my blog and have given so much support over this past year. I am continually amazed by the people who lift me up mentally and spiritually through this blog. I hope that you realize what an impact you have had on my life. You have helped me to get better and get through this journey of life. I wish that I could invite you all for dinner tomorrow and you could join me. I just wish that I could give each of you a hug.
I would especially like to thank Linda, Daisy, John Finn, HappyStill and Zathyn Priest. We all found each other when I first started this blog and you all have been so very supportive and empowering to me. I cannot begin to thank you all enough.
I am also thankful that I am able to buy all of the Thanksgiving food and cook it tonight and tomorrow. Seriously, America is in a war (two in my opinion - Afghanistan and Iraq) and you would never know it really. Most Americans don't realize how lucky they are compared to many nations around the world.
To end this post I would like to share some Thanksgiving humor. I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate this holiday, I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
I haven't been able to blog for days. I think about it when I'm not able to write and it bothers me. Blogging has been quite good for my mental health and it's an activity I need to do no matter what...kinda like flossing. It's just flossing of the mental state. It's been wonderful to grab that tacky, plaquey debris stuck to my soul and clean it away.
I have the card above and absolutely love it. I actually had quite a few of them and sent them to others over time. I kept the last one for myself. Actually, thinking about it, I have a lot of interesting cards that I would like to put in a book one day. It would be a great coffee table book versus them sitting in a box like they have for years. One more project I would like to do eventually.
Speaking of projects, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is homework galore along with a ten-page paper due a week from today which I haven't had the chance to even start working on. Not only that but I have to work Monday through Wednesday this week and work a bit of overtime since we are off Thursday and Friday for the Thanksgiving holidays.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, twelve people are coming to the house for lunch and I have to have the house clean, get the grocery shopping done and cook, cook, cook. I told my husband and daughter that they are in charge of the cleaning and I will take care of the groceries and cooking. I would much rather clean, believe me. It wouldn't take as long and then I could relax while the cook spent all Wednesday night cooking herself and the food to death.
It will be a good thing, though and I look forward to the holidays. I am just overwhelmed because my personality is the type that I want everything to be perfect and great and I worry that I'll burn something, not do something right or not pull it off on time. Cooking is an art and it's important how you cook and in what order you cook so it all arrives steaming hot to the table at the same time. There have been many times my guests waited quite a while for food because I can't get the knack of it all just yet. Maybe it's a life lesson along with so many other things to learn.
Oh, I lost a pound, by the way. ONE POUND! Actually, though, if you think about it, I lost about six because I had gained weight before when I first started talking about my weight issues. I then lost it and an extra pound, so I can now update my weight goal here on the blog. I am very curious if I'll be updating the goal after Thanksgiving because I gained weight. I'll then be back to 0%! I won't worry about that just yet because it's quite difficult to diet on turkey day.
There is a "boot camp" for women in my area which I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's a very neat concept because the guy who owns the company is a personal trainer who used to be in the Army. I attended boot camp years ago after joining the Navy (though I'm not in anymore) and was in the best shape of my life after they killed us in boot camp. I would go back to boot camp just for that if I had the chance. Since I don't, I'm going to try this program. Basically you go three times a week and he kicks your butt. I need that and really look forward to going. He even goes over nutrition with you. The group size is ten women at a time so the class isn't large. We'll see how this goes. It will be interesting.
Now back to reading about floats, doubles, ints and arrays in my C++ programming textbook.
It's 2:32am and I cannot sleep. I have a feeling this will be a long night and sleep will not arrive. I did try going to sleep by cutting off the light, laying there for a while, tossing, turning, and finally getting up and lugging my laptop to the living room so that I don't wake my husband. I also have my C++ programming textbook with me. I need to read, read, read and write a few computer programs and I guess this would be a great time to do it. The house is silent and this would be the best time.
If I could think....
If I could focus....
this would be the best time.
I am going to try. I will feel really happy if I can get through all of these pages and write these programs. I won't feel so overwhelmed with it all and then tomorrow I can work on sociology.
Working on homework tonight. Oh, the joy of being an idiot at 18 years of age while in university and leaving it for the Navy only to be going back to it again in old age while being married, having a child and full-time job.
On another note, I have an interview tomorrow for a new job. I've been a sub-contractor and am looking for full-time work. Full-time work equals better benefits and in this shaky economy, while nothing is permanent, it wouldn't hurt to be a full-time employee versus being contract and you walk in one day only to find out you wasted a trip driving because they cut your job that day.
Here we go again. I took a break from school and summer is over and it's time to start all over. Today it started. I have two classes: Sociology 300 (Societies of Developing Countries) and Computer Information Systems 326 (Object-Oriented Programming I). I'm quite worried about CIS326 because it's based on the C programming language and I haven't taken or used C for 12 years. I just looked at the syllabus for this class and for some reason the professor is skipping chapters all the way to chapter 8. Why, I have no clue. The syllabus scares me to death so I'm dropping her class and enrolling in the other CIS326 class. I hope the next professor starts at chapter 1. We shall see.
The SOC300 class has a paper due in a few weeks that has to be at a minimum 10 pages long. Oh, dear gawd. I don't know what the paper will be about, but just hope that I will get through it.
I do have some good news though...after this quarter in school I'll finally be a SENIOR. I thought I would never get there. The end is in sight.
I don't care if I'm 98 and rolling across that damn stage, I will get my degree one day. I can't wait to blog about graduation!
I've been studying and completing work for my final statistics exam. It has been grueling to say the least. I was up this past Sunday night until 2:00am studying for statistics. I also got my business proposal and PowerPoint for it completed this weekend as well and turned it in on time for my other class.
While studying Sunday my daughter peeked over my shoulder and said, "So, you studying for statistics?". I said, "Yes, my final exam is tomorrow night." She said, "I hope that you make a 93". I said, "What do you mean? Why?" She said, "You always make 100's and for once I wish you would make a 93. You're like Einstein or something." I said, "Honey, if I was Einstein, I wouldn't still be in school trying to get my degree at 36 years of age!"
Monday night I took the final exam. It was a killer. Over four hours of gut-wrenching, mind-blowing problems to answer. All I can say is WOW. I took my test to the professor while walking out the door and he said, "Is that another 100?" I said, "Not this time, I don't think."
I was worried to death. I felt that I blew it.
Yesterday I called my professor because I couldn't wait to find out. He answered the phone and the following is the conversation:
Me: Hi! Prof: Hello! Me: I hate to bother you, but I am curious if you have had the opportunity to grade the exam. Prof: Yes, just finished. Me: And? Prof: I was very mad with you! I can't believe you only made a 96! Me: *sigh of relief* Well, do you know what the final grade is for the class? Prof: Yes. Me: And? Prof: What is your expectation? Me: What? Prof: What do you think that your final grade in my class is? Me: *silence* Prof: An "F"? Me: No... Prof: "C"? Me: No... Prof: You made a "B-". Me: OMG! Are you sure?? (He knows my quest for keeping the 4.0 GPA.) Prof: *cackling*, No, I'm not sure...you made an "A"! You are very smart and you shouldn't believe that you aren't. You have the highest grade in the class. The others didn't do so well. Me: I wouldn't have done that well if it wasn't for you. (and that is the TRUTH...he helped me a lot last week)
All I can say is...Thank God! I am so very grateful.
Whew...
Last night I shared my grade with my daughter. Before I even began she said that she KNEW that I had made a 100. I said, "No, you jinxed me! I made a 96". She proceeded to dance around the house yelling, "YAY! She made a 96!! She didn't make a 100!". I said, "Hey..that isn't very nice! Don't you want me to do well?" She said, "Of course I do, but I'm sick of the 100's."
I then realized it's good that I didn't make a 100. My grades set a bar for her own and I think it feels out of reach to her at times. I don't want her to feel that way at all and so I'm glad I didn't make the perfect score...because...I'm not perfect by any means and it's good for her to realize that. Maybe I should fail my next test? She would faint for sure!
Due to preparing for final exams at school I haven't been able to blog. I also haven't been able to check out my favorite blogs, either! Last night I was at the university until 10:00pm working on statistics with a fellow classmate of mine. Do you know when you get so tired that you become silly? Doing statistics for a long period of time can also make you feel that way. We had been working on it for four hours straight and got to the point where we finally solved a very difficult problem after countless tries. When we FINALLY got it right, we actually both jumped up and started dancing around the computer lab. It was hilarious! I couldn't stop laughing. I told him that it's amazing how two grown adults (he is 43 while I am 36) can get so damn excited about solving a statistics problem. I never thought that this would happen.
As we walked to our cars for the night I told him that I cannot believe that I didn't just get my degree years ago when I was in school instead of joining the Navy. I told him that I could just kick myself every day. If only I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed in school with straight A's back then. ugh.
I so very much hope that my daughter learns from me and goes to college right after high school graduation and STAYS in until she earns her degree. I talk with her about it all the time and just hope that it sinks in. I sincerely don't want her to make the mistakes in life that I have.
This weekend I have to finish statistics homework to turn in this Monday night, and write the eight to ten page business proposal that is due Sunday. I've been working so much on statistics that I haven't yet had time to work on the proposal. I also have to create a PowerPoint presentation with at least ten slides that goes with the proposal. Saturday will be full during the day because my husband is teaching an all day oil painting workshop using the "Alla Prima" technique. Alla Prima is a style of painting where, instead of building colors up with layers, the painting is done in one session while the paint is still wet. From the Italian word which literally means "at once" (got the definition from about.com). Nine people signed up for it and I am going to attend as well. It will be my first stab at oil painting and should be interesting. I am also going to help him that day because we are serving lunch.
This Monday night is the final exam for statistics. Tuesday night I am getting my hair done and Wednesday night I have the final exam for the business communications class. Then...I AM DONE!!!!!
I was registered for classes that begin a week after the current classes end, but I unregistered from them. Frankly, I need a break. It will be nice to be off school for the next three months. I am literally at my breaking point and at least I know enough about myself to know when to stop and take a break from school. Previously I would have charged ahead until I fell to the floor having a nervous breakdown. I think taking a break will be very good for me.
During the break I will be able to have time to blog more, read more blogs, walk around the neighborhood with my family and HoneyBunny (the dog), relax, read a good book, travel a bit and just GET OUT AND HAVE FUN. I haven't done that in ages, which is probably half of the problem. We have a digital camera and I want to start taking more pictures and posting them in my blog. I have several projects as well that I want to complete.
For the past two days I've been working on my English and Statistics classes. The English class focuses on business communication such as how to tactfully tell an employee that their body odor is grossing everybody out in the office to how to fire someone, how to tell someone that their qualifications suck and there is no room in the company for dweebs like you...etc, etc. You say it all in a professional way, of course.
UGH
First of all, when I read in the book "Find another way to say "Your body odor is offensive", I sit there for a minute and think..."Would anyone actually say that to a person anyway?...I mean, does this actually need to be taught??" Then I sit there and have to come up with a more professional way to say it and what I come up with is GRADED.
Sheesh.
Concerning statistics, I feel better about it all. I completed all of my homework finally and doing the homework made me actually feel a little confident. I understand and can do standard deviations, finding the mean, mode, median, range, class boundaries, class width, finding the cumulative frequency of a frequency distribution, what the empirical rules are and what Chebyshev's rule is. I am actually understanding it all now and can complete the work. *whew*
The question is if I can do well on the test that I have to take online this week. The test is due by this Sunday night. I have to work tomorrow through Sunday for 12 hours a day and I hope like hell that I can squeeze in who knows how much time it will take to complete the test. The professor said that it's approximately 30 questions. We shall see about that...
Then on Monday I go to work and back to school to take the mid-term that has about that many questions. And then I will fall to pieces to the floor in exhaustion.
I'm tired. I have so much on my mind that I want to share here. I want to really tell it like it is, but the problem I have is that I don't know where to start. I am so sick of so many things and I don't know where to begin.
I'm in my statistics lab right now. Our mid-terms are next week. All I can say is OMG! The mid-term will be a measuring tape to show how much I've learned. If the measuring tape above is an indicator to how much I've learned, I hope that the whole damn thing will be unrolled next Monday night.
I wasn't able to post yesterday. I was at work until 1:00am. I did homework until 4:00am. Then I worked all day today until midnight and tomorrow I go back to work again to work another 12 hours.
I dedicated myself to Blog365.
I guess I'm out now.
*sigh*...It's only January and I've already failed!
