Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Vomitous Musings

I quit smoking for two years and have started again. I started back when I was trying to find a job and didn't think much about it. Just thought that I was stressed and it would help during the craziness. I now have a job and am continuing to smoke. I just went outside at work and had one and feel sick. I just want to stop doing it. I don't get any joy from it and it's no longer helping, but hindering my health.

For the past few days I've felt like a sinus infection is coming on. I used to get a lot of sinus infections when smoking years ago and that is one of the reasons why I stopped. When I feel the symptoms reappear in the last few days, it's another reason why I want to stop now. My throat has started hurting, ears hurt and now my body is hurting as well. I have a constant headache and am completely exhausted. When I wake up in the morning I can't breathe through my nose at all and am tired of it being stuffy.

I'm glad I wrote about this. Just seeing the words has made me decide that it's time to quit again. Hold on while I throw my cigarettes away.....

There we go. I just threw away what I have and don't intend to buy anymore. I quit cold turkey last time and can do it again.

I also notice the way my clothes smell when smoking and can't stand it. I never really noticed it back when I smoked all of the time. Now I do notice and hate smelling this way. After smoking I always wash my hands and use "Midnight Pomegranate" (from Bath and Body Works) antibacterial hand foam because I love how it smells and also how it eradicates the smoky smell. I use it all the time anyway and it really helps while smoking.

Now I won't be using it after smoking a cig anymore because once again, I'm done. It's over.

I feel relief while typing that.

Another thing that is really getting to me is my weight. Yes, I've blogged about it in the past, but it's getting to the point where even my "fat" clothes are getting tight and damn if I'm going to buy a larger size. I don't feel comfortable in my clothes at all and feel like I've been wrapped in cellophane every day. Even when I breathe, my clothes feel like they have constricted around me and won't let me get a full breath.

I'm rarely hungry. I don't eat a lot. I'm even getting to the point that nothing tastes good anymore and wish that I didn't have to eat at all. I've thought of just stopping eating, but that is my anorexic brain whispering words of intoxication into my ear. As I've blogged before, I'm a fat anorexic. I used to be anorexic for years and was very skinny. Even when skinny I was never happy because I always thought I could lose just five more pounds. When I see pictures of myself back then I can't believe how great I looked compared to now.

My husband asked to have sex again last night. I declined. Not only do I not feel good, but I don't feel like it with him anyway as I've written about before.

I've decided to stay with my husband until my insurance starts the first of September. He says that he really wants to go to counseling. He says that he also wants to go to a doctor to see what could be wrong with him mentally and will take any meds they may prescribe. This may turn out to help a lot of things between us and so I will persevere. If either things don't get better, or he doesn't go to counseling, a doctor, or take meds, it is over. I will then feel I did everything to make the marriage work and will have no regrets or feel that I could have done something more.

As soon as my insurance starts I am also going to visit a doctor to get all tests done under the sun to help with my weight and health. I am tired of being overweight. I do not look to food for comfort and don't eat a lot, but the weight makes me look like I shove Twinkies in my mouth 24/7. I don't eat candy, cakes, cookies, potato chips, etc. I love fruits and vegetables and eat them a lot. I went to a gym and worked out for a month and gained four pounds. I cried and didn't go back afterwards.

I am going to go back though because I've noticed since stopping going that I feel more tired all of the time and don't have the same endurance I had before.

Work is going alright, just a lot of projects that need to be completed. School is fine. I made a 97 on my term paper, 98 on my mid-term and 96 on my presentation. I have 100's in my other class.

My mind is a sieve and I feel like I'm just vomiting on the page. I feel like doing that most of the time anyway due to my clothes wrapping around me like a boa constrictor.

At least I threw away my cigarettes. Maybe that will be a start in a new direction.


Anonymous said...

Congrats on quitting smoking! i smoked off and on since i was 15 and quit many times but always found an excuse to start again-especially stress. Over the last 5 years i have gradually quit for longer periods of time and then i would only smoke socially or on a really hard day. i am happy to say now i have quit for good. i am repulsed and get sick from the smell and imagining the awful taste...i wouldn't refuse a clove cigg though :) anyway it's nice to know when something is completely "off the table". You know? Like it's no question, not an option. Now if i could get myself to feel that way about suicide...i'm pretty much there but it still tempts me.
By the way, i LOVE Midnight Pomegranate! Aromatherapy is good.
Also i know how you feel about the food aversion. When i feel that way, i force myself to at least drink smoothies. They can be really yummy and good for you too.
Hope you feel better soon.

linda said...

It is great you are not going to smoke. Apart from being unhealthy, smoking makes your teeth yellow and skin grey.

Exercising can put on weight because of muscle being heavier than fat. I have put on about 10KGS in two years due to loads of exercise but only went up one size in clothes (which I needed to). The shape of my body has changed completely.

If you continue to exercise you will gain muscle and muscle itself burns fat. Forget the number on the scale, go by the fit of the clothes and, apart from that, keep in mind that exercise is good for you mentally. Stick to it.

Laura said...

Congratulations for giving up the smokes. It's not easy to do when you tend to use them to deal with stress. You'll feel much better when you get all that crap out of your system.

Congrats also for the fantastic marks you've made. You're obviously one smart cookie. You should be proud of yourself.

You've made a smart decision concerning your marriage. All you can do is the best you can do. There comes a time and a place when you have to decide when you've done enough. I hope things work out.

I can sooo relate to the weight issues. I feel exactly the same way. I almsot have to beat each pound off with a stick. It sucks.

Ah well, try to keep the negative things from bothering you too much and make sure you feel proud of the great things you're achieving.

*big hug*

michelle said...

Congrats on quitting smoking AND on the amazing test scores. I give you a lot of credit for deciding to hang in there and give things a shot with your husband. If nothing else it will give you complete piece of mind that you have done everything possible to make it work.

Chunks of Reality said...

KC - I liked how you said the cigs were "off the table". You are exactly right. I am happy that they are and it feels like a weight has been taken off my shoulders.

Today I didn't smoke at all and didn't even feel the urge. I think that has a lot to do with not feeling good. My sinuses are all out of whack.

There have been times in my life where suicide was an option, and that feeling comes and goes. I think it's something that will tempt me forever at the darkest moments of my soul. I don't think I would do it, but I certainly have thought about it. I realize it's difficult, but try to talk with someone during those times because it can help. Though, when I feel that way, the last thing I want to do is talk about anything.

Chunks of Reality said...

Linda Dear - I love how you talk about smoking. You need to be on an anti-smoking ad campaign. They would love you. The visuals you gave me made me run to the mirror to see if my skin was grey. LOLOL

Linda, I am so, so fat that I just find it difficult to believe that I can gain weight while exercising. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, but I was doing cardio and not hefting weights.

You are right about forgetting the number on the scale, but it's certainly difficult to do when that number is around 250. Ugh....

Chunks of Reality said...

AD - Thanks for the congrats. It means a lot coming from you because I know you realize how difficult it is to stop smoking.

I hope things work out as well in the marriage and in my life in general. I hope the same occurs for you.

I forget about what I'm achieving and I thank you for reminding me. *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Michelle - Thank you kindly. :) I went to your blog tonight and love the layout. Very nice. :)

I want that piece of mind and think that counseling is what will do it. I have to see this thing to the end, whatever that may mean.


L.J. Diva said...

You know that since you did it once, you can do it again. Congrats on giving up, again! lol.

Go to the doctor and have the whole gamut of tests done. There may be hormonal problems, thyroid, who knows.

Alot of those things play on weight, even if you don't eat a lot, your hormones will make you gain. So will a problem thyroid.

A nutritionist or dietician might help too. There may be foods or vitamins your body needs that you aren't giving it.

How about going for a walk for 30 min a day. You can use that as your ''alone'' time to think about things or to clear your head. And it will slowly start to make you fit and will help towards your overall health.

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