Monday, August 17, 2009

It's All About Him

I am sitting at work in my cube about to cry. I am trying to work, but cannot get out of my mind how upset I am becoming with my husband. I am hoping that I will feel better after writing this and can go on with my day.

I am getting to the point in our relationship where I don't even like him much anymore as a person. I wish I could tell him this, but I can't, just like I can't tell him a lot of things because he will go off on some long tangent of how he feels and completely miss the point of how I feel.

He is not respectful to me. He can be picking on me and hurt me physically and I tell him to stop and he won't. Then he makes fun of me for it hurting and says that I am making a big deal out of nothing. He loves to push people's buttons. Well, I say people, but I am meaning my daughter and me. Just yesterday she was playing solitaire and he went to her, took the cards and started flipping them everywhere. She told him to stop and he wouldn't and she got highly irritated. Then he got after her for being upset and acted like it was her problem.

He is like a little boy looking around for a problem and then complaining when people don't like what he's doing.

He will drape his legs and feet all over me in bed and I don't like it and tell him to stop because he makes me feel like he's using me and he's heavy but if we are on the couch and I drape one toe on him he tells me to stop. I stopped wanting him to drape himself all over me after he didn't want me to touch him. This has been something that has been happening over a very long period of time and I am at the point that I don't even want him to touch me.

Yet at the same time, I wish he would do things like hold my hand or show affection. He rarely does this. If I go to him and hold his hand, he takes it away after a small amount of time if not right away. If I hug him, he pats my back like I am a child or picks on me and makes fun of me for wanting a hug. He can never just give hugs because I need one.

In fact, he doesn't seem to want to give any of himself.

My 20th high school reunion is coming up. I didn't go to the 10th year because I wasn't interested. This year I am interested and want to go more because this is an American thing that people do, kinda like prom, and I want to try it out. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and he said no. Remember that he is Moroccan. I understand that he doesn't understand the traditions here. He wasn't raised here. I get it. But once again, what he wants to do is more important than what I want to do. Or so it seems to me.

He complained that I never hang out with these people anyway, so what is the point. He then went on to say that no one in this area provides any intellectual stimulation for him and he doesn't want to waste his time with anyone. I have some best friends from high school. They have some problems, as all people in life do, and he doesn't want anything to do with them. He complained that they have nothing to give him and I asked him why does a person have to give him anything? In reality, they aren't the most educated, but they do know a lot, and they are caring people just trying to make it in this world and they do care about us. It is fun to hang out with them and I care about them a lot. I love their children as well. They would give us their last dollar if they thought we needed it. That isn't enough for my husband. They have to provide intellectual and cultural stimulation for him AND have no issues at all. Basically, they need to be better than my husband so that he can look up to them and feel that he is learning something from them in order to feel that he should "waste" his time with them.

It makes me sick.

No one is good enough for him. I really don't understand why he married me. I am no intellectual or cultural giant for him and I'm fat. So, what did he find so compelling with me?

I cried when he said that he wasn't going to the reunion and told him that I would feel embarrassed if he didn't go and he said that "everything is so emotional with me" and that he is tired of it. He said that we just need to coexist. What the fuck? I feel that we coexist anyway, but I ask myself if we are married or not.

What is the damn point? I can coexist with a roommate and have more fun and less stress, if he really wants to know.

We never do anything with each other anymore and that includes things I do with my daughter. He stays home. If I go out with my friends, he stays home. When he and I go out, which is rare, it always ends in a fight or some emotional drama. I don't even want to go out with him anymore. If I go anywhere with others, he goes somewhere else or stays home. It's like we have different lives.

We still haven't had sex. He says that it's me now because he would like to. But I ask you, would you like to have sex with someone who considers you to be obese? Wouldn't you feel embarrassed the entire time you share that intimate moment? Wouldn't you worry what he was thinking about?

After he said that I was too emotional about the reunion, he then leaned over and whispered in my ear that he was sorry and he would go to the reunion with me. He said that he needs to learn to give me what I need.
The fact of the matter is that I have questioned myself on what needs he fulfills, and really I can honestly say none. I asked him the same thing and he said that he knows that he doesn't fulfill my needs. I asked him if I fulfill his or name needs that I don't fulfill and he said that I fulfill all of them. Do you know why I do? Because I fucking work at it. I do things that I don't want to do sometimes to fulfill his needs. That is fucking life. I wish he would get it sometimes.


Anonymous said...

((HUGS))) It is all about him, and that is so wrong.

Karen ^..^ said...

I'm sorry to say, but he sounds like a very selfish pig, and will ONLY get it when you are finished with him and decide to divorce him. He is acting as if he feels as though he's better than you, and that somehow he has the upper hand. What a splash of cold water on HIS face should you decide to unload him.

Seriously... Fill YOUR needs, not his, and yes. Coexist.

When he asks why? Tell him why.

You can do so much better, and he has no right to go around aggravating your daughter like that either. Why do things like that? He sounds like a very antagonistic man.


I know I've heard the worst of it on here, and there's GOT to be SOME redeeming qualities to the man, but Jesus...! He just sounds like the most self centered pig on earth!!!

Karen ^..^ said...

By coexist, I mean this:

Don't do his laundry, don't do HIM, don't cook for him. Act like his roommate. Move him out into the guest room. If you don't have one? Make one for him. And yes, Move HIM out into the guest room. Maybe you'll get a good night's sleep for a change.

See... If YOU make these rules and changes, the dynamic changes. Tell him that this is how it will be until he cleans up his act. The ball will be in your court. No one deserves to be treated the way you've been treated. Sounds like this might provide you with some relief, anyway.

L.J. Diva said...

Two words - LEAVE HIM.

Let me tell you, no matter how bad he's making you feel, you have every right to be treated like a human, a woman, and a person.

Don't for one minute think you won't survive without him, you did before you met him, you will after you leave him.

He is not your life, just your pig of a husband.

You'll be much more emotionally healthier if you let him go and divorce him.

You will survive it, you'll be mentally strong, and realise what you will and won't take from any man.

Don't let him tell you you're useless, not lovable, blah, blah, blah. He's just trying to get you to stay.

LEAVE HIM before you lose yourself!

linda said...

He is a bully. He thinks that marriage should just work because he wants it to. Comes from a culture where the wife is a doormat. Sure, he might be "intellectual" but he seems like he has a low emotional IQ.

You live in a house with someone who treats you like shit and then crawls back to you for forgiveness. Typical bully behaviour. Disrespectful. Shameful. If you continue on he will erode at all your self confidence and make you afraid to leave in case you might fail out in the big world.

You should disconnect yourself from him. Stop being SUPER nice and doting (which I KNOW you are) and look after you and your gal. Like training a dog that has gone off the rails. Ignore him. Put your hand up everytime he wants to argue and say "sorry, I don't do that anymore".

You will be surprised how free you will feel if you remove yourself from him emotionally. I think he is at the core of your problems and you are continually making excuses for his rude and nasty behaviour.

Think about it, just when did things really go wrong in your life Catherine and how much of it points back to how you are treated at your home.

I could go on, but you get the drift. I hate seeing women and men being bullied and treated poorly by those who are supposed to love and care for them. It is wrong.

Do something NOW before our Catherine gets any further down!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree, leave him. Divorce isn't easy, but being alone in a marriage is worse than BEING alone. And yes, I would be worried about what he was thinking after those weight remarks, and hey, he DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.

Laura said...

My heart really goes out to you. Your marriage seems very similar to mine. It's painful to have to experience these things. Eventually you'll take inventory of your life and decide what changes need to be made. Do what you feel is best for you and your daughter regardless of how difficult it might be. You owe it to yourself to be treated with love and respect.

Anonymous said...

Marriage is so hard and some men just don't get it. They just droll along and pretend everything is ok and you're the one with a problem. My husband has been distancing himself from me since i had my first major breakdown and makes me feel ashamed and inadequate. Recently he has been going to therapy because i was ready to leave but so far it seems to be making things worse. i don't want to say he's a bad person, i just think he has a lot to learn. Ultimately i just want him to be happy and i can't take the pressure of being the one to make him happy. so, i'm not sure what's going to happen but in your case, i think it is fair to give your husband a chance to get some therapy and better himself and your relationship. If it's possible, it may not be a bad idea to just get separated for awhile.
P.S. how do you keep your husband from reading your blog? i feel i have to hold so much back for fear mine will fly off the handle.

Chunks of Reality said...

Anon - Thank you. *hugs* :)

Karen - You are such a lovely lady and I greatly appreciate your support and kindness. He does have redeeming qualities, but at times like this, I don't seem them at all.

Several times I've ruminated over what you've said and I will continue to. Thank you once again. *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Jewels Diva - Thank you so much. At times I forget what my rights, wants and needs are. I am not doing that anymore. I am going to try and work through the relationship since he says that he wants to go to counseling, but that is the only reason why I am going to work on anything. I've worked far too long by myself.

Thank you once again. *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Linda - I never thought of him as a bully and have thought a lot about it. There have been times since first reading your comment that when he has acted in a particular way I've thought of the word bully and I think it fits. Never thought of it that way, and it has certainly helped me in dealing with him since.

By the way, you know me wayyyyy too well. LOL :) *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

AD - We both deserve to be treated with respect. Why is it so tough to get from people sometimes? Especially the people who are the closest to us.

I wish you the best as well. Sounds like we would have loads to chat about if we lived close to a coffeeshop. :) *hugs*

Chunks of Reality said...

Anon - Thank you for your support and kind words. Yes, it's difficult to do anything intimate after what he's said. I am still saying no. :) LOL Thanks again.

Chunks of Reality said...

KC - I told him about the blog when I started it. I realize now I had hoped that he would read it because there are so many things I say here that I don't tell him. He doesn't read it though, which I guess is a good thing and bad thing all at the same time.

I think that he doesn't want to read it. :) LOL He has enough problems of his own and feels that he has failed in so many different ways already and doesn't want to read it on a web page.

It's funny because in the beginning I was afraid of posting some things on the blog, but over time I'm at the point that I just talk about what I want to talk about and treat this blog as my intimate diary where no one in real life knows what I'm talking / thinking about and won't judge me. I finally feel free here.

My husband had a horrible time with my breakdown, but it's getting better. I think that he is finally accepting the fact that I have depression. He has also realized that he has depression himself and wants to get help with it, finally.

I wish you the best and hope that you stop by more often. :) Thanks once again.


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