Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Vomitous Musings

I quit smoking for two years and have started again. I started back when I was trying to find a job and didn't think much about it. Just thought that I was stressed and it would help during the craziness. I now have a job and am continuing to smoke. I just went outside at work and had one and feel sick. I just want to stop doing it. I don't get any joy from it and it's no longer helping, but hindering my health.

For the past few days I've felt like a sinus infection is coming on. I used to get a lot of sinus infections when smoking years ago and that is one of the reasons why I stopped. When I feel the symptoms reappear in the last few days, it's another reason why I want to stop now. My throat has started hurting, ears hurt and now my body is hurting as well. I have a constant headache and am completely exhausted. When I wake up in the morning I can't breathe through my nose at all and am tired of it being stuffy.

I'm glad I wrote about this. Just seeing the words has made me decide that it's time to quit again. Hold on while I throw my cigarettes away.....

There we go. I just threw away what I have and don't intend to buy anymore. I quit cold turkey last time and can do it again.

I also notice the way my clothes smell when smoking and can't stand it. I never really noticed it back when I smoked all of the time. Now I do notice and hate smelling this way. After smoking I always wash my hands and use "Midnight Pomegranate" (from Bath and Body Works) antibacterial hand foam because I love how it smells and also how it eradicates the smoky smell. I use it all the time anyway and it really helps while smoking.

Now I won't be using it after smoking a cig anymore because once again, I'm done. It's over.

I feel relief while typing that.

Another thing that is really getting to me is my weight. Yes, I've blogged about it in the past, but it's getting to the point where even my "fat" clothes are getting tight and damn if I'm going to buy a larger size. I don't feel comfortable in my clothes at all and feel like I've been wrapped in cellophane every day. Even when I breathe, my clothes feel like they have constricted around me and won't let me get a full breath.

I'm rarely hungry. I don't eat a lot. I'm even getting to the point that nothing tastes good anymore and wish that I didn't have to eat at all. I've thought of just stopping eating, but that is my anorexic brain whispering words of intoxication into my ear. As I've blogged before, I'm a fat anorexic. I used to be anorexic for years and was very skinny. Even when skinny I was never happy because I always thought I could lose just five more pounds. When I see pictures of myself back then I can't believe how great I looked compared to now.

My husband asked to have sex again last night. I declined. Not only do I not feel good, but I don't feel like it with him anyway as I've written about before.

I've decided to stay with my husband until my insurance starts the first of September. He says that he really wants to go to counseling. He says that he also wants to go to a doctor to see what could be wrong with him mentally and will take any meds they may prescribe. This may turn out to help a lot of things between us and so I will persevere. If either things don't get better, or he doesn't go to counseling, a doctor, or take meds, it is over. I will then feel I did everything to make the marriage work and will have no regrets or feel that I could have done something more.

As soon as my insurance starts I am also going to visit a doctor to get all tests done under the sun to help with my weight and health. I am tired of being overweight. I do not look to food for comfort and don't eat a lot, but the weight makes me look like I shove Twinkies in my mouth 24/7. I don't eat candy, cakes, cookies, potato chips, etc. I love fruits and vegetables and eat them a lot. I went to a gym and worked out for a month and gained four pounds. I cried and didn't go back afterwards.

I am going to go back though because I've noticed since stopping going that I feel more tired all of the time and don't have the same endurance I had before.

Work is going alright, just a lot of projects that need to be completed. School is fine. I made a 97 on my term paper, 98 on my mid-term and 96 on my presentation. I have 100's in my other class.

My mind is a sieve and I feel like I'm just vomiting on the page. I feel like doing that most of the time anyway due to my clothes wrapping around me like a boa constrictor.

At least I threw away my cigarettes. Maybe that will be a start in a new direction.

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