Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Suicidal Ideation

I have 40 Ambien in the drawer beside my bed. It's there for no reason. I don't take many Ambien lately anyway unless I am having problems sleeping. So it just sits there unless I need it. I never think about it unless it's time to fill the prescription again before it runs out, so lately the amount of Ambien increases every month.

Until this morning.

Why would I think about that bottle this morning?

I was laying in bed feeling bad from the cold crud stuff I have and hating the fact that I had to get up and get ready to go to work. I just needed one more day to recuperate. I laid in bed and was so sad thinking about how I had to work. I wished that I could stay in bed and take care of myself. Then my mind went further and started thinking about how tired I am of getting up each morning to attend this event called life. I am tired of it all.

Am I depressed thinking this?

Not at all. I don't feel depressed.

I'm just tired.

So, I thought out just downing the bottle. Then I remembered that I needed to write letters to my daughter and husband. Maybe my parents as well.

I had pretty much decided to do it and then realized that my daughter would be the one to find me, so instead I got up out of bed, got ready and went to work.

I am now back home and am tired. Physically I feel more sick with cold grunge I've had and my head feels like it's going to pop off.

Isn't it strange to have these thoughts when I'm not going through a depressive episode? What the hell is my problem?

I can't imagine another 40 years of this shit.

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