Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Suicidal Ideation

I have 40 Ambien in the drawer beside my bed. It's there for no reason. I don't take many Ambien lately anyway unless I am having problems sleeping. So it just sits there unless I need it. I never think about it unless it's time to fill the prescription again before it runs out, so lately the amount of Ambien increases every month.

Until this morning.

Why would I think about that bottle this morning?

I was laying in bed feeling bad from the cold crud stuff I have and hating the fact that I had to get up and get ready to go to work. I just needed one more day to recuperate. I laid in bed and was so sad thinking about how I had to work. I wished that I could stay in bed and take care of myself. Then my mind went further and started thinking about how tired I am of getting up each morning to attend this event called life. I am tired of it all.

Am I depressed thinking this?

Not at all. I don't feel depressed.

I'm just tired.

So, I thought out just downing the bottle. Then I remembered that I needed to write letters to my daughter and husband. Maybe my parents as well.

I had pretty much decided to do it and then realized that my daughter would be the one to find me, so instead I got up out of bed, got ready and went to work.

I am now back home and am tired. Physically I feel more sick with cold grunge I've had and my head feels like it's going to pop off.

Isn't it strange to have these thoughts when I'm not going through a depressive episode? What the hell is my problem?

I can't imagine another 40 years of this shit.

12 comments:

Queenneenee said...

I wish I had an answer for you. You may be having a reaction to your medication (I think you just started prozac? I can remember which one you're taking without looking back) I would discuss it with your pdoc just in case. Some of these psych meds do cause suicidal ideation. My son has been on a lot of meds and that is one of the side effects of many of them. Please mention it to your doc, and be well. Please keep us posted. (((HUGS)))

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Thoughts feed more thoughts and it makes everything so much more ugly than it deserves to be.

Hugs your way. Not much more I can say. xx

Wandering Coyote said...

I have suicidal ideation all the time, even when I'm not in an acute phase. I think it's normal, and my shrink once said to me in a session that some people just have these thoughts every day. But as we learn in DBT, there's a difference between having the thought and acting on it. You didn't act on it. You recognized you were tired and you went on with your day. THAT'S what matters. Next time, you might just notice it and say, "OK, I'm tired...Thank you brain for bringing me these thoughts but I don't need them." Or something :) It doesn't matter - you are noticing and noticing is half the battle.

Ana said...

After reading you I did repost this:

http://justana-justana.blogspot.com/2009/03/one-of-my-suicide-attempts-while.html

It is about drug-induced suicidal ideation I experienced.
I can totally understand what you have described.
I also thought about writing to my friends. Even wrote a couple of phrases before going out.
Take good care!
love,
Ana

Anonymous Drifter said...

Thanks heavens you didn't listen to your thoughts. (((((hug)))))

GirlBlue said...

It happens like that sometimes, I'm just sitting around minding my business and then my brain begins to think about various ways to do the deed, not particually feeling depressed just detached.

Definitely talk to the pdoc and see if its the meds affecting you.

Big hugs

Queen Aeron said...

I know exactly how you feel. I don't know if it is PMS or maybe the onset of an episode (minor I hope), but the last several days, I've been weepy and minorly depressed about everything. Even having thoughts of "I'm tired and I'm tired of living like this." Not suicide per say but kind of like you described. I thought I kicked it when I talked to my boss about some perceived issues in the office. I was seeing things that weren't there, so yesterday started out as a great day. Then on the way home, my oil light flashed on (issues with my car) and suddenly last night I was in a full blown "I hate my life and don't want to live" mood. I just kept reminding myself that it is only an oil issue, it can be fixed (I have a great mechanic). I have the money (next week) and this too shall pass. I was able to fall asleep relatively easy but I'm still freakin' tired today. Took the car to mechanic, will call them to let them know why my car is in front of their lot.

I'm taking it one second at a time, reminding myself that the world really isn't coming to an end. My psychiatrist would agree with wandering coyote's remark about having the thought and acting on the though are 2 different things.

This is my first time posting to your blog. I've been reading it for a while and it's been really helpful to read things that remind me I'm not alone in these feelings.

Thanks for putting yourself out there. You are a very brave person!

Harriet said...

The thought of my husband or kids finding my dead body is what stops me from taking action. As for why you are having these thoughts, I couldn't say. My doc thinks it's from my OCD, but I'm not sure. I just think it's because I hate myself, and I don't want to live 40 or 50 more years like this.

Kayla said...

Whenever I hear someone talk about suicide I wish I could say something that would fix all their feelings. I never come up with anything even close. The only thing I know for sure is that you can't know for sure what tomorrow will bring and the surprise for me is worth waking up to every morning. I think it would be exciting to try to do one tiny little thing different everyday just for the adventure of it. It's amazing to me the power of each little movement we make.

On another note... is depression even a feeling? I always thought of it more of a non-feeling.

My wish for you today is hope and adventure...

Kayla

eccedentesiat said...

Glad you didn't go through with it. Not much to say in the way of help sorry. Take care *hugs* x

Karen ^..^ said...

Sometimes it is just the idle thoughts running amok in your brain. No trigger, just one thought leading to another thought, and finally good sense kicks in and you get up and do what needs to be done.

Here's hoping good sense continues to kick in, because no kid deserves the sort of hell that comes from finding a deceased parent.

Hope you feel better soon, take care ok?

kim said...

it's tricky and a good question. i've also been sick (flu, bronchitis or something for weeks!) and just the other day I was lying in bed thinking I needed to make a will. I got up, started to type and then stopped, realizing they were more suicide/goodbye letters. i was just SO tired and over everything. and then i wondered why am i writing these? i don't FEEL depressed.

I think we have to factor in a few things-being sick, coming off meds (i just weaned off Celexa and Abilify) and a variety of unknowns. But I do agree with you-I don't want to go through 30 or 40 more years of this.

my best to you...

 
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