Thursday, March 26, 2009

Climbing Out of the Hole

Once again I am feeling better. Monday and Tuesday were terrible. Yesterday I could finally write a little bit to express how I feel. This morning was difficult but it's getting better.

And the cycle continues.

I haven't been on my laptop in ages. I've been using my mobile phone for everything. The only thing I don't like about it is having issues when wanting to leave blog comments. It drives me nuts.

I need a new laptop. The one I have is old and slow and driving me nuts as well.

I'm still working out at the gym (except for Monday and Tuesday this past week), eating right, taking supplements, etc. I really am trying to change my life. I even get to bed by 10:00pm most nights. Last night it was 9:30pm. Before I stayed up way late and so I'm trying to get more sleep to see if it helps the depression.

I'm still taking Prozac. I'm thinking it may need to be upped a bit and will be discussing it with my doctor.

I think this is the most boring post ever so I'll end it here.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It Never Ends

Here I am again writing about depression. Its vicious grip is back with its scaly hands bound around my throat. It's hanging on for dear life while I'm hanging on for dear death.

I went to get lunch today and stared around the restaurant curious how many people there wanted to die at that moment. Am I the only one thinking about death? Am I the only one wanting to be gone?

Suicide is on my brain once again. When will it end?

Tuesday night a guy I graduated high school with was killed in an automobile accident. Why do I wish it were me?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Working my Butt

Yesterday I went to the trainer for the first time. All I can say is thank God for him because he showed me what to do and it was a success. He is such a motivating guy and I feel lucky to be doing this.

I am pecking this post out on my mobile phone keyboard again so it won't be long. My only access to the Internet lately is my phone and though I've been keeping up with your blogs, I haven't commented. I will go around and do that soon when I get on the laptop next.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. It means so very much.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Rod the Trainer

I am writing this from my mobile phone. Not sure how it will look, but we'll see.

Right before Christmas a friend gave me a one-year free membership to a local gym. She won it in a charity event and didn't want it. I got the membership right before New Years and never went back. My husband thought it would be best if I start with a trainer to learn how to do the machines and such and I finally made an appointment with one and start today after work.

His name is Rod and he is a great motivator. He says he is going to kick my ass and that is exactly what I need. He already has me started on the protein shakes and has been helping with nutrition tips. I'm really excited. I may actually lose some weight finally.

I'm finally feeling better from the cold crud. The cough won't seem to go away, but other than that I'm a lot better.

I STILL have my monthly!! It won't go away and has been quite painful. I'm not sure if I'll use Ceasonal again. If it keeps going on I really need to see a doc but don't want to take the time off work, so I hope it just stops on its own soon.

I was late to work yesterday and still feel bad about it. I need to yank my butt out of bed, but I recently realized that if I could do anything in the world, I would just want to lay in bed and sleep for the rest of my life.

I always knew that I was a loser and this really proves it.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Needing a Revolutionary Life

Didn't go to work today. Woke up this morning worse than yesterday. Dizzy, hacking and coughing and feel very weak. It would have been better if I didn't go to work yesterday at all and just rested for one more day because last night after getting home from work I felt worse than I had two days previously. So, I called into work and let them know. Not sure what they are thinking. It's obvious to them that I am sick because even yesterday my new manager told me that I should go home because I could hardly talk without coughing. I hope she understood when I called in this morning and doesn't think anything bad about me.

Once again, here I am starting a job and getting sick as a dog. Thank goodness it's not depression this time, but being sick like this hasn't been cake either. I don't remember feeling so bad physically for a long time.

I took an Ambien tonight with a glass of wine so that I will be able to sleep well in order to get up early and get my butt to work.

One annoying thing going on as well is that I have my monthly and I shouldn't have it. I am taking birth control pills named "Ceasonal" and basically you take them for three months straight so you won't have your period. With my period terrors I really wanted to try this to see if it would help. The weirdest thing is that I'm now in week 8 and I started my period! At first it was just a little and I had no pain or emotional issues. Then today the pain is arching down my stomach past my knees like lightning bolts. I then started wondering if it is affecting me mentally without me realizing it. Maybe that is why I thought about downing the bottle of Ambien yesterday for no reason. I have no clue.

Right now I'm just in pain and there is quite a bit of period going on when there should be NONE...NADA..ZILCH. So, I am a little confused with these meds. If anyone has taken Ceasonal, please let me know what your experiences with it have been. I thank you in advance.

While sick I've been reading the book called "Revolutionary Road". Great read, but it really makes me think a lot about my own life and how I need a change. I need to just sell everything and move to Scotland. That was the only place I felt at home. Maybe I will do that as soon as my daughter graduates. Or maybe before then. Who knows...I just need to change things in my life. It will help me mentally, that's for sure.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Suicidal Ideation

I have 40 Ambien in the drawer beside my bed. It's there for no reason. I don't take many Ambien lately anyway unless I am having problems sleeping. So it just sits there unless I need it. I never think about it unless it's time to fill the prescription again before it runs out, so lately the amount of Ambien increases every month.

Until this morning.

Why would I think about that bottle this morning?

I was laying in bed feeling bad from the cold crud stuff I have and hating the fact that I had to get up and get ready to go to work. I just needed one more day to recuperate. I laid in bed and was so sad thinking about how I had to work. I wished that I could stay in bed and take care of myself. Then my mind went further and started thinking about how tired I am of getting up each morning to attend this event called life. I am tired of it all.

Am I depressed thinking this?

Not at all. I don't feel depressed.

I'm just tired.

So, I thought out just downing the bottle. Then I remembered that I needed to write letters to my daughter and husband. Maybe my parents as well.

I had pretty much decided to do it and then realized that my daughter would be the one to find me, so instead I got up out of bed, got ready and went to work.

I am now back home and am tired. Physically I feel more sick with cold grunge I've had and my head feels like it's going to pop off.

Isn't it strange to have these thoughts when I'm not going through a depressive episode? What the hell is my problem?

I can't imagine another 40 years of this shit.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Dr. Seuss is someone I would love to have coffee with. His books and art have always been a part of my life and I am grateful he had so much of his creativity to share with the world.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Finally Able to Blog

Since ramping down on the old job and starting the new job I haven't had much time to get on the internet lately. I was at work my last day working until 6:20pm! On my last day at other jobs I worked maybe a half day or at the latest 3:00pm, but there were things I had to accomplish prior to leaving and I worked all the way to the end. Afterwards they had a going away party for me and we went out. It was a complete blast. I didn't get home until 3:00am! Those folks sure know how to have a good time and are quite serious about having fun. It was very nice to go out with them and the turnout of people was a very nice surprise. Some people I never imaged showed up and it did make me feel good.

I had a few days off and then started the new job. What a massive difference in environment! There isn't a lot of turnover at the new job and some employees have been there for 20 to 30 years. That says a lot about the company and I completely understand why after being there a few days. First off, my cube is more like an office. I even have a plant in it. Everything was completely organized and ready for me to start. I had several meetings scheduled with various employees to learn more about the company. I have a laptop and my desk chair is oh so comfortable. It even has a footrest which looks like a triangle that you put your feet up on in an incline and I love it. Coffee machines are everywhere with REAL coffee beans that you grind prior to making coffee. They actually have liquid and flavored coffee creamers. When you walk around the office you don't feel a huge sense of stress emanating from the employees. If anything it's like a second home. It's obvious that they want to set you up for success and I am pleased as punch to be there. At my last job my feet sat on computer cables and wires all the time and there was no room to even extend your legs!

Where I'm working now is downtown, which I love because it means it's easy to walk around town for some exercise or a quick lunch. People who I worked with years ago are there and it's absolutely wonderful to work with them all again. They are excited that I'm there and it makes me feel good.

There is one thing, though. OF COURSE I had to get sick when I first started. I woke up the night before I started with a horrible sore throat. My daughter had been sick a few days before and it started with a sore throat for her. I went to work the first two days hacking and coughing and feeling terrible. I took a lot of over-the-counter cold medicine and continued to get worse. It finally got to the point that I was having high fevers and could hardly talk without coughing. I went to the doctor and got antibiotics. My new manager was also sick and I never saw her the first week. She called me after I had left several voicemails for her saying to rest up and not worry about missing work after just starting. She said that the way I sounded was terrible and she would rather me not come into the office like that. She was really nice about it all, but damn it, why did I have to get sick when I first started the job?

It reminds me of years ago when I was in my early 20's. I started a job and was sick as a dog on my first day of work. I didn't want to call in sick and went to work anyway. As my new manager was showing me around the office, I felt like I was going to vomit and quickly asked where the bathroom was. As she told me, I felt the bile force itself up and started running down the hallway towards where she said a bathroom was located. I ended up not making it to the bathroom and throwing up all over my hands (as I tried to catch it all), my clothes and the carpet. I almost passed out afterwards from being so sick. I was deathly embarrassed and the manager ended up driving me home because she was scared for me to drive myself. It was terrible.

For some reason when I start a new job I always get sick the first day or two. I never put two and two together until calling my Mom about being sick now and she said, "Why do you and I always get sick when we start a new job?". I then started remembering other new jobs and she's right!

Now, I have to tell another story that I just remembered and this is quite gross, so stop reading if you get grossed out easily.

A few years ago when starting a new job I had been there for a day or two. I had a Yorkshire Terrier dog that slept with me. One night I woke up to this horrible smell, turned over on my pillow and something rank and quite indescribable coated my lips, side of my face and hair. I jumped up, cut on the light and you will never believe what was on my pillow. Diarrhea from my dog! For some reason he got sick in the night, did not jump off the bed and got sick on my pillow. It was all in my hair, face and MOUTH! I threw up from it and afterwards became violently sick for three days. I couldn't eat or anything. It was terrible. Shit is not something you want to taste, let me tell ya.

I feel sick now just thinking about it. I still can't believe it happened.

I have been in bed all weekend with upper respiratory infection/cold junk. I've been taking antibiotics, stuff for congestion and cough. The fevers are what have been getting me. They just tire you out. Today I am finally feeling better, but feel I need just one more day to rest. The weather is completely nasty here. Dreadfully cold and wet. They are calling for three to five inches of snow tonight. The local schools have already sent announcements that they will be closed tomorrow. My daughter is so excited and is spending the night with a friend tonight. I can't believe the schools have already said they will be closed when we haven't even seen one drop of snow and only rain. I actually hope that it does snow like the meteorologist says so that my office will be closed tomorrow and I can rest one more day. If not, I will go into the office anyway. If it does snow I hope the office will close because people don't know how to drive around here with a little ice. I remember one year when there was a 20-something car pile-up while sleeting.

Ohhhh...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

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