Thursday, September 27, 2007

Best Thing for Contacts

Do you wear contacts? I do and have since I was 16. I was that kid back in the early 80's (I was 10 in 1981) with the big glasses and plastic, transparent, light purple frames. I remember trying on glasses for the first time and being amazed. I didn't realize that people could see so clearly! I also remember trying contacts in 1987 and being blown away because for the first time I could see perfectly not only straight ahead of me, but also peripherally. I went outside the ophthalmologist’s, I had no glasses to fog up from the temperature change, the sun was shining and I squinted with happiness.

If you wear contacts, you know how it feels when one or both of them get foggy. You feel like you are in a smoky room even as the fluorescent lights of your office or school blare down on you. Sometimes I’ve even had to drive my car with one eye shut because it was so foggy and it messed up my vision more than having the one good eye.

When it gets that way I make myself yawn. That always brings a few tears to your eyes and helps the fogginess for a bit.

Well, today I had no fogginess at all. There was no way that my contacts could get dry because I was constantly about to cry. What hell. While driving I cried a bit and finally on the last street to my house, I had the following conversation with myself:

“Get a damn grip on yourself (I rarely cuss and when I do it’s because I’m upset or angry, though I never cuss in front of my daughter)! You are about to get home and see your daughter and you don’t need to look like you stepped out of an insane asylum. You don’t need to cry. You don’t need to even look like you’re about to. You need to walk in that house and act like everything is fine because it’s not her problem and she doesn’t need to be burdened. GET A GRIP!!”

I got inside the house and got through it. My husband was at work. I was able to clean up a bit and she helped out. I then asked her to sit down with me because she said yesterday there were things she wanted to talk about. She smiled and you could tell she couldn’t wait to spill her guts. She got a dreamy look on her face and told me about a guy she likes at school named Ritchie. She described him saying he had “smoky eyes that change with his mood”, he was “hot”, etc. She usually tells me every day that she has a crush on someone and gives a new name. This is the first time that I can really tell she likes someone. There is just something different about the way she described him. Her face changed when she was talking about him…he wasn’t just some guy to her. Well, I hope he realizes what a beautiful, thoughtful, special, caring and kind soul that she is. We’ll have to wait and see what the future holds with this Ritchie.


We ate dinner, I took a shower and here I am.

And I don’t feel like crying.


Thank God.

The bankruptcy attorney I called yesterday called back today and we have an appointment with him Tuesday at lunch. This weekend I’m going to finish working on all of the paperwork he is requesting to review. I asked him if it cost anything up front and he said he wasn’t sure until he saw my paperwork, but he guessed around $1,200 - $1,500. All I can say is “I’m bankrupt! I don’t have money…HELLO!!!”

But I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to live in the NOW (thank you Linda, I read the book by Eckhart Tolle last year and I need to read it again. It was great and I remember thinking after reading it…who thinks about this stuff? Thank God he did!) Yes, I need to adopt his principles. It would help.

And Linda, thank you so much for your post. It really means a lot. You are so right – my husband is an emotional person and his culture does give him strong feelings about our relationship and how it should be and what his role should be. He told me in the past that he is “a failure” and I told him NO WAY. He feels that he failed with his business and he blames himself about the finances. I blame myself about the finances. Ugh.

We just go round and round.

HappyStill, thank you as well for your comment. Never apologize for a long comment. I love them! You’re right; I need to remember that this is temporary. It’s just difficult right now to think that way. I don’t really care about being “rich”. If anything I want to be rich in my soul. It’s just that going bankrupt and even thinking about it makes me feel like a failure. I’ve tried to think to myself today that going bankrupt doesn’t define who I am. Yet, then I would laugh inside sarcastically and think…but I am bankrupt…in every way possible…in my spirit, marriage, life, financially, in EVERY WAY. Ugh…I will keep trying to think optimistically.

A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo, I’m sorry to hear that your parents fight all the time. When my husband and I fight, he yells and I stay quiet usually. Sometimes I’ve been known to yell, too, but not normally. Last night we were in his studio (part of the house is his art studio) upstairs and my daughter was downstairs in another part of the house on the computer. I doubt she heard anything. At least I hope that she didn’t. Usually if she does she’ll ask what happened. She didn’t last night, thank goodness. Tonight I’m going to visit you and leave a comment there. Thank you for keeping me mindful about my daughter.

If anyone else is reading this, ya’ll need to visit Linda and Her Surroundings, HappyStill and A little Bit lazy a Little Bit Hypo. Great blogs. I look for updates in them every night.

OK I’m signing off. Don’t want to bore ya’ll to tears and I have run out of things to say (imagine that!).

Good night everyone. Sleep well and I am grateful for your postings.

template by